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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a little annoyed about her priorities.

88 replies

CrazyHippo · 09/05/2018 11:12

This is not a MIL bashing thread. I adore my MIL.

A while back me and DP took out a loan to help her pay off debt. She pays us monthly..often double the minimum payment to try and get it down quite quickly. The loan is for a considerable amount.

The last few months shes only managed the minimum payment, which is fine.

However, ive been informed this morning that shes bought a new dog that she collects at the weekend.

Am i right to be a bit peeved when she still owes so much? Or should i shut up while shes still making minimum payments? A dog isnt just the cost of buying, its the food, vets bills etc too.

OP posts:

Sirzy · 09/05/2018 11:14

I think this is the risk of financial deals within families!

However as long as she is paying you back what is agreed then what she does with the rest of her money is her choice

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/05/2018 11:19

If she still making minimum payments, I think what she does with the rest of her money is up to her.

IronMansIronButt · 09/05/2018 11:19

If she is paying what she agreed to pay when she agreed to pay it, its none of your business. You don't get control of her finances and choices just because you loaned her money.

Teenytinyvoice · 09/05/2018 11:21

This is why I was resistant to borrowing money from my IL when offered. Are they looking in my cupboards wondering why I’m not eating value cereal, keeping an eye on my shopping and critiquing my holiday plans?

If she was missing payments I would have some sympathy but if you agreed and amount I don’t see how you can be cross she isn’t paying more

higgyyellow · 09/05/2018 11:24

So you took out a loan, which you pay back monthly, and MIL gives you the money each month?

If that's the case I do t think you have any right to comment on her spending. She is paying back the loan.

Trinity66 · 09/05/2018 11:27

You said she often pays you more aswell so yeah YABU

OreoMini · 09/05/2018 11:28

She’s paying you back the agreed amount every month so I don’t see the problem.

It’s up to her what she does with the rest of her money.

adaline · 09/05/2018 11:29

She's paying what you both agreed - what she does with the rest of her money is her business.

But this is why I wouldn't lend or borrow money from family members. It has such a huge potential to get messy, and the lenders get pissed off when debtor spends money in a way that they deem inappropriate.

Itslookinglikeabeautifulday · 09/05/2018 11:30

Hmmm, a dog is not an ideal commitment in this scenario but as others have said, as long as she's making the minimum payments it's fine. Life is about balance and who could begrudge her the happiness a dog can bring?

Justmuddlingalong · 09/05/2018 11:31

YABU. The loan is being paid. You agreed to take out the loan on her behalf, so as long as she keeps up the regular payments, you have no right to be even a tiny bit peeved about what else she does with her money.

tradervictoria · 09/05/2018 11:32

You know the saying don't you?

"Never lend money, especially to family."

CurbsideProphet · 09/05/2018 11:35

Unfortunately you can't dictate what she does with her money. Obviously it's too late now, but taking out a loan to pay off her debts was pretty risky. It would have been more sensible to send her to a proper debt adviser (ie at Citizens Advice) and investigate Debt Relief Orders etc.

ConciseandNice · 09/05/2018 11:42

YABU and unpleasant. Lending her money does not make what she spends her money on any of your business. She’s paying you back. I’d understand if she wasn’t. Damn.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 09/05/2018 11:44

So you didn't lend her money you already had, you actually took out a loan (= got into debt) yourselves in order to pay her debts? As a PP said, bit late now, but that was really not very wise. Did she pressure you into it? Tbh I'm not surprised about the dog; after all, it's not her neck on the line. It's hard to know how to put this, but - someone who is OK with asking you to get into debt to help her out of debt is hardly likely to be terribly considerate of your situation. I'm wondering whether there are rose-coloured glasses about her on your and your dh's part.

MrsDilber · 09/05/2018 11:51

As previous posters have said, as long as she's making her payment, it should be fine. BUT it would really annoy me too. It's taking the piss. Her priority should be getting her loan paid off, unless she's really lonely - in that case, fair does.

Forgottencoffee · 09/05/2018 11:55

I can understand that you’re a little frustrated over it but YABU. She’s making the minimum payments and unless you specified that she wasn’t able to do anything else with her money until she’s pod you back then you can’t really expect her to pay above the minimum.

My DH and I loaned an amount from FIL and pay back an agreed amount each month but I feel incredibly guilty if I buy something or we say we’re going somewhere, I don’t want him to think we should have given him the money instead. I hate this feeling. I don’t want to feel like I can’t do anything because we owe him even though he’s getting what he asked for back each month

Puzzledandpissedoff · 09/05/2018 12:03

Yes she's paying you back, but since the "overpayments" have now become minimum payments, are you perhaps worried that these might reduce now she has the expense of the dog?

If that happened, I'd suggest is that she takes out another loan in order to pay you back - though whether she'd be prepared (or even able) to do this is something else again

stayathomer · 09/05/2018 12:04

Sorry but I think maybe you YABU, as she didn't not pay you. As for hte dog, people never ever think of the financial aspect, they're just looking at the friends ship etc. This is lovely but now that we don't own a dog I realise how we wouldn't be able to afford one, it's a HUGE cost! Our in-laws are very badly off financially and have two and regularly need help paying bills because a big vet bill came up or they had to buy those huge bags of specialized dog food (they have big dogs!), but they adore them and if it brightens up someone's life so be it!

Justmuddlingalong · 09/05/2018 12:05

Do you have anything in writing to prove she owes you money? Because if not, she could stop paying. The loan is in your name.

Karigan1 · 09/05/2018 12:06

She’s paying you back at at least the agreed rate. You have no right to dictate what she does with the rest of her money

Avasarala · 09/05/2018 12:06

You loaned money and agreed a repayment plan.

She's repaying according to the plan. The rest of her money is none of your business.

If you wanted more each month, you should have asked for more during the original agreement. You can't get pissy now because she's spending her money they way she wants. She is paying you back as you agreed.

jamoncrumpets · 09/05/2018 12:07

She's paying you back, so you can't really form judgements about how she spends her money.

PinkHeart5914 · 09/05/2018 12:09

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all, paying off the existing debt should of course come before buying a pet. Nobody needs to have a pet, especially when you got your own child to take out a loan for you to pay off debt.

I’d be fucked off, as paying you back for the loan should be the priority here

mrsdoglover · 09/05/2018 12:10

If she had been missing payments frequently then yes I'd wonder if she's capable of owning and caring for a dog but since she has and still is paying what was originally agreed I would leave her to her own devices.
My mum borrowed off my brothers gf once (not even a £100 but not the point) and the next day the gf was complaining about everything my mum was doing, claiming she's wasting money going out instead of paying back what's owed - even though my mum had already set up a standing order to pay the money back when she got paid from work and she went out for a meal with friends who'd traveled up to see her with money she'd already saved for the occasion. It ruined their once amazing relationship and the accusations kept coming even after the money was paid back. Had gone from seeing each other almost everyday to now not even speaking to each other, so I'd be careful saying anything to you MiL just get, wait to see if the next repayment comes on time before bringing it up.

pigmcpigface · 09/05/2018 12:15

Oh gosh, I can see why you would be annoyed by this. I would be too if I am honest. At the same time, I think loaning someone money does not give you the right to dictate all of their spending or to control their life.

If this is going to work, you probably have to step back and accept that provided she is making the minimum payment, things are OK.

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