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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a little annoyed about her priorities.

88 replies

CrazyHippo · 09/05/2018 11:12

This is not a MIL bashing thread. I adore my MIL.

A while back me and DP took out a loan to help her pay off debt. She pays us monthly..often double the minimum payment to try and get it down quite quickly. The loan is for a considerable amount.

The last few months shes only managed the minimum payment, which is fine.

However, ive been informed this morning that shes bought a new dog that she collects at the weekend.

Am i right to be a bit peeved when she still owes so much? Or should i shut up while shes still making minimum payments? A dog isnt just the cost of buying, its the food, vets bills etc too.

OP posts:

spiderplantsgalore · 09/05/2018 13:06

I don't think you're unreasonable at all, OP. She should pay off existing debt before spending on non-essentials, especially when the debt is to family who have bailed her out.

I speak as someone who loves and owns dogs.

Avasarala · 09/05/2018 13:08

@TheMaddHugger

It’s perfectly reasonable, and often the smart decision, to take out a loan and use it to pay off debts.

If you have multiple, high interest debts and can’t meet the payments for all of them, then you get stuck in a bottomless pit of debt. Or, you can take out a loan at a lower interest to pay off all the debts. It leaves you with one repayment each month to one lender, at a lower interest rate. Saves you money in the long term. The MIL couldn’t get this loan in her own due to her credit, so asked for helped. As long as she keeps paying it, she’ll be out of debt soon.

ohfortuna · 09/05/2018 13:09

Thing is now that she's got the dog she has a reason to say I can only afford the minimum payment because I have to pay for this that and the other for the dog and there's no way you can objects without it looking as if you don't care about the dog.

Had she for example taken out an expensive gym membership you could argue that she should cancel it so that she can pay off the loan but she can't cancel the dog because it's her baby now and it needs this and it needs that
I think you've been stitched up
she's paid off nearly half the loan and now she feels like she's done her Duty and she can start treating herself again

Motoko · 09/05/2018 13:09

If she had debts she was having trouble paying off, she should have gone to one of the debt charities, like Stepchange or CAP. They would have helped her to arrange affordable payment plans with her creditors.

It was extremely foolish of you to take out a loan as the debt has now transferred to you, so if she stops paying, you'll be the ones liable to make the payments.

I can understand why you're now worried about her getting a dog, but there's nothing you can do about it. There's a reason why it's advised to never lend to, or borrow from, friends or family, it often bites you in the arse.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 09/05/2018 13:17

Yabu. Would you go through her cupboards to see if she is splashing out on expensive chocolate or new shoes or a new haircut? She is paying the minimum. When she starts missing payments that’s when you get an opinion on what she spends her money on.

Motoko · 09/05/2018 13:18

It’s perfectly reasonable, and often the smart decision, to take out a loan and use it to pay off debts.

Actually, it's not a smart decision. The advice from debt charities and sites like Money Saving Expert, is consolidation loans are rarely a good idea. You just need to read the debt free wannabe forum on MSE to see how many people have had one consolidation loan after another, and still have a load of debt, because they haven't addressed the issues that caused it in the first place

The solution is to overhaul your budget, so you're not haemorrhaging money on things like coffees, magazines and gym memberships, or spending on things you don't need, and then sort out payment plans with your creditors, either on your own, or with the help of the debt charities.

adaline · 09/05/2018 13:27

It’s perfectly reasonable, and often the smart decision, to take out a loan and use it to pay off debts.

Maybe, but what on earth would possess anyone to take out a 6k loan for someone else? Lending money you have in the bank and won't notice missing is one thing, but getting yourself into debt to pay off someone else's debt makes no sense to me at all.

wijjy · 09/05/2018 13:28

When she starts missing payments that’s when you get an opinion on what she spends her money on.

When she starts missing payments it is too late. It is not her credit rating that she is destroying now it is her son and DILs who have either taken out a loan for her, or guaranteed a loan in her name (both of which amount to the same thing). This is not spare money that has been loaned. A loan has been taken out for her. It is absolutely the business of the person who is on the hook for this money.

ohfortuna · 09/05/2018 13:28

The mother-in-law has incurred £6,000 worth of debt, crazy and her partner took out a loan so that the mother-in-law could pay off this debt immediately they did that because otherwise mother-in-law would be in a lot of trouble.

No what I'm wondering is why couldn't the mother-in-law just making an arrangement with her creditors to pay off the money why did she have to pay them immediately?

AcrossthePond55 · 09/05/2018 13:29

Is the balance now low enough (and her credit good enough) that she could get a loan in her own name and pay off what she owes you?

I agree you can't control what she spends her 'extra' on, but I'd be a bit miffed, too. Especially if I thought she may be going down the same path of incurring debt on unnecessary things.

adaline · 09/05/2018 13:34

It is absolutely the business of the person who is on the hook for this money.

But this is the risk you take when you take a loan out for someone else. You're the one liable for the balance on the loan, not them. You can make it your business all you want, but at the end of the day, you can't stop them from spending their money on a dog, a holiday, takeaway coffee or whatever else they want.

I can totally see why OP feels miffed, but she took the risk of this happening when she decided to take out a 6k loan for someone else's debts.

ohfortuna · 09/05/2018 13:36

In a way you are enabling her bad Financial Management
You have no way of enforcing the debt

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 09/05/2018 13:39

A loan has been taken out for her. It is absolutely the business of the person who is on the hook for this money.

So all of MILs spending is OPs business?

Mousefunky · 09/05/2018 13:40

YABU. If she is still paying you, you don’t have a point.

This is why I could never borrow from family or friends, they always seem to become petty and feel they have an element of control over your finances because you ‘owe them’.

CoffeeOrSleep · 09/05/2018 13:48

This is the hard part of taking out a loan to pay off someone else's debt, you have no right to enforce it's payment and have to just hope for the best. That said, in my experience, people do feel more obligation to paying back family and friends than they do a faceless bank or credit card company.

For those saying it's none of your business how someone else manages their money - it became the OP's business when she and her DH had to bail the MIL out.

However, her history of being not only able to pay the minimum but over pay suggests she can comfortably afford the monthly minimum payment, which should get it cleared off, even if she does have a dog.

wijjy · 09/05/2018 13:48

So all of MILs spending is OPs business?

Actually no, you are right, it's not really, but the MIL has got herself into a load of debt once and is taking on extra commitments that could have bad consequences for the OP.

The OP has got herself into this position and there is not much she can do expect hope (or start paying the debt off herself).

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 09/05/2018 13:59

could have bad consequences for the OP.

Could have. Not currently. As it stands she is managing the debt. The fact she has screwed up before was known to OP before she took out the loan and she assumed that risk. OP should fully expect to have to take over this loan. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.

sprinklesandsauce · 09/05/2018 14:03

YANBU. If she is in debt then she should be trying to clear that first, especially if it is in your name.

Will she take out insurance? or will there be potential vets bills?

No you can't control her spending but YANBU to feel pissed off about it.

I know people who have gone bankrupt, complain that they have no money, yet spend it all on totally unnecessary things. They have also left other family members in the shit with loans that they had taken out to help them previously.

YABU to have loaned her the money in a loan in your name. Never ever do this as ultimately you are responsible, not her.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 09/05/2018 14:08

SHe's making the payments - when you say "minimum" I'm assuming this is the minimum demanded by the lender to gradually reduce the principal, not just keep it from increasing). Previously she overpaid the minimum when possible.

She has spent some money on a companion animal which will improve her quality of life. Yes - you might feel that she should pay off the capital sum first, but she is making the payments you JOINTLY agreed.

I think you are being a bit U to begrudge her her pet. It isn't really affecting your original estimate for loan repayments. If she stops paying, or falls behind, then that changes things.

RideOn · 09/05/2018 14:10

YANBU. I would be very irritated by that. I'd assume her current attitude is why she got into debt problems to start with.

However if she is paying what you agreed with her, I don't think you can say anything.

PenguinCompany · 09/05/2018 14:11

its for a pet, a companion, as Schaden says, hard to begrudge her that.

Orchidflower1 · 09/05/2018 14:14

How much did she pay for the dog? Are we talking £80 from a charity , £290 x breed or £1000 pedigree.

gillybeanz · 09/05/2018 14:16

If you have allowed min payments then you can't complain what's done with the rest of her money.
The loan should be her priority, but it obviously isn't.
Maybe say your circs have changed and you need to pay it off sooner, so payment will increase to x starting next month.

Original poster

CrazyHippo · 09/05/2018 14:33

Ok so for those that have asked ill give the story.

MIL had a caravan on a popular holiday site. MIL could afford site fees etc and rented the caravan for a bit extra spending money. MIL was currently taking driving lessons, she could drive but had never taken her test and drove on her provisional with her fully licenced husband by her side. A few years back her husband had an affair and so she was going for her test. In the mean time me,my dp and her other children and their children would take her back and forward the 1hr40 trip to the caravan and we'd get free holidays/weekend breaks out of it. MIL fell ill suddenly and has a rapid onset physical disability. She is no longer allowed to go forward with her driving test and had to quit work. She was using pip payments to pay for the caravan and trying to rent it out as much as physically possible. She had to hire a cleaner etc and pay the site to do general maintenance as my DP and BILs jobs changed and were all able to take her less and less.

We took out the loan to pay off the 6k left on the caravan (original price was 24k so she'd paid lots off) she owed nothing to the site as all the sitw fees, gas bottles etc were paid for for the remainder of the season.

I know it still seems crazy to some people that youd take out such a loan but it was a very stressful time and it felt like the only answer at the time. MIL is physically disabled now but is only at the same risk as anyone else mid-50s for death etc. Thought id clear that up before anyone mentions that.

Me and DP can afford to cover payments if she faults, but weve kept that to ourselves so its not used to her benefit at any point.

OP posts:

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 09/05/2018 14:37

Why hasn’t the caravan been sold?

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