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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel in a uniquely awful position and want to give up

122 replies

wishitwasallabaddream · 09/05/2018 06:57

I honestly feel I have reached the point of being unable to bear any more.

I have a really difficult relationship with my mother. She was emotionally abusive and neglectful throughout my childhood and often deliberately cruel to me as an adult. A few years ago I made the decision to go NC. I have never regretted it. Every so often I get a nasty email from her, it knocks me off balance but reminds me that I have made a good decision. More recently I have filtered her emails to my spam folder so don’t always see them though one caught me by surprise a few weeks ago when I was searching my email for something else and it came up.

Our daughter who is now 21 is also very difficult. I’m not exaggerating when I say the years of her being 13-18 were a living hell. She was emotionally and occasionally physically abusive. She would start fights pretty much every day. She did badly at school and since then has been in a cycle of getting jobs then being sacked. She did some work for dh’s friend at one point who admitted she was very lazy and did the bare minimum. She is currently at home having been sacked from her latest job. We give her no money but she has her last pay so is using that. Last night I tried to speak to her about getting a new job and she screamed at me that I have never supported her or been proud of her. I really feel this is unfair, I have always tried to encourage her and support her and rarely stand up to her to be honest as she creates such scenes.

She texted me last night to say I am deluded if I think I’m a good mother and listed all my faults. I have now blocked her. She regularly sends me messages like this.

I don’t think my mental health can take much more. To be in a situation where you have an abusive mother and an abusive daughter (they do not get on so at least are not encouraging each other though DD knows I’m NC with her grandmother and regularly uses it as ammunition)

I have tried so hard to be a good mum to her as I have such an awful mother and this is all devastating. I also just see a future where we are stuck with DD as she is making herself unemployable.

I just don’t want to get out of bed this morning.

OP posts:
SandysMam · 09/05/2018 07:03

God it sounds bloody awful! Maybe you over compensated for your shit relationship with your mum and accidentally spoiled your daughter. She sounds very entitled.
However, I would look carefully at the content of her message (daughters) and consider if any of it may be true? Could you work at your relationship?
In the same way your mother probably doean’t understand why you are NC with her, maybe you refuse to believe what your daughter is saying when some of it could be true.
It sounds like there is a lot of hurt running through three generations Flowers

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 09/05/2018 07:07

So sorry to read this. Our DS was very difficult at that age, it won’t necessarily last. She is lashing out and you are a safe target. Hard for you at the moment but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Please don’t feel you are alone, lots of us have been through this and come out the other side. Here’s a Brew because I don’t expect anyone else will make one for you, and some Flowers because you are a good mum and deserve them.

Uniglo18 · 09/05/2018 07:08

Ask her to leave and if she doesn't change your door locks. She needs to stand on her own two feet and I say this kindly you are enabling her to be abusive by letting her live with you. She is now an adult, responsible for her own choices in life & any consequences of those actions. Step back, build a protective box around yourself and leave her be.

She's old enough to go on those camp America type holiday jobs, it'll give you both space away from each other. You never know it might be the making of her.

Original poster
wishitwasallabaddream · 09/05/2018 07:09

Thanks Sandy.

Yes I definitely think I have over compensated with DD and she is spoiled, I avoid conflict with her as much as I can.

I did try to be honest with myself re her accusations- they say I have never been there for her and I honestly feel I have, practically and emotionally. We have spent vast amounts paying for travel for her to go and do jobs abroad that she either gets sacked from or decides she doesn’t like. One job she got there and phoned me in hysterics saying she didn’t like the place and was coming straight home. I stayed on the phone to her all that night resssuring her, by this time she’d told the company she wasn’t staying so had to come home again. That particular episode cost us £500! Which she has never repaid. If anything I feel I have mollycoddled her too much.

OP posts:
Original poster
wishitwasallabaddream · 09/05/2018 07:12

Thanks for the Brew cat!

I know I need to ask her to leave but at least twice when she’s left we’ve ended up getting panicky hysterical calls saying she’s made a mistake and has to come home. She has two modes - aggressive and bullying, and regressing to a ten year old.

OP posts:
BrutusMcDogface · 09/05/2018 07:12

Yes, kick the ungrateful 21 year old out. Flowers for you.

PurplePumpkinPiss · 09/05/2018 07:12

I will start by saying I love my dsis. But OMG her version of our childhood and the reality sometimes borders on bizarre so I understand your dd re-writing her history.

I'm not sure there is much you can do other than limit your contact with your dd.

My dsis gets on one very rarely these days but when she does dm just steps back and goes very low contact. It helps my dsis see exactly how much help she gets (which is plenty!)

BrutusMcDogface · 09/05/2018 07:13

Cross posted. Why can't you say no to your daughter? When she calls up all hysterical, just tell her to stand on her own two feet. You continue to mollycoddle her and she might even be putting the hysterics on, to appeal to your better nature.

missymayhemsmum · 09/05/2018 07:21

What a horrible situation, OP, no wonder you are feeling desperate.
You have rightly detached yourself from your mother's vitriol, but your daughter still has power to hurt you. She sounds very unhappy and stuck being an angry child blaming you for everything.
If you did your best as a mother she has no right to be angry. tell her that, and remind her that she is an adult, responsible for her own life and you don't have to support her. She is manipulating your guilt and insecurities to excuse her failings. I hope your dh is supportive.
Be kind to yourself, despite everything you have built a life and provided for your daughter. Be proud of what you have achieved.

Has anyone taught you the shit proof overcoat technique? Mentally visualise a protective, lovely cloak and pull it round you until you feel safe and strong. Whatever shit people throw at you will slide off and disappear. because it's their shit, not yours. Barmy, I know, but it sometimes helps. There are also times when it is appropriate to get really angry, and this may be one of them.

Though if you are really feeling unable to get out of bed and face the world it's time to get some help. have you seen your gp? a counsellor?

ShinyShooney · 09/05/2018 07:22

You made her! You need to fix her.

You sound a bit like you love playing the victim. Poor you.

Els1e · 09/05/2018 07:23

Big hug OP. But start being strong and not everyone’s punchbag. Others can only make you feel bad if you let them. First, get new email address and close down other, obviously not giving you mother new one. NC is NC. Secondly, talk, not message, with your daughter. Tell her she is acting like a spoilt mare but you know that you are equally accountable as you spoilt her. Moving forward you would like a better relationship with her.

Slartybartfast · 09/05/2018 07:25

Dont chuck her out.
go out with her, have a chat, help her find work.
regain your relationship

shakingmyhead1 · 09/05/2018 07:26

so now you need to have a very frank conversation with her, explain her tantrum gave you a lot to think on and you thought hard! you agree that yes you have been a "bad mother", but not in the way she thinks, you have been a "bad mother" by indulging her and spoiling her and always accepting her quitting jobs and picking up the pieces and supporting her lifestyle... but no more!! Now you will be the kind of mother who encourages but does not do any arranging or picking up of pieces finding of jobs or buying plane tickets home.. from now on she needs to stand on her own two feet, starting today! she can get a job and keep it and pay board ( on time and every time) and if she quits a job or mucks about so she is fired ( and you will check with her employer) she will need to find another place to live, no ifs or buts, let her see just how "unsupportive" you have been compared to actually being unsupportive... a firm reality check is in order, as the rest of the world wont put up with her shit!

Luisa27 · 09/05/2018 07:30

Excellent advice from @Els1e in my opinion OP - I advise you to do as she suggests

Luisa27 · 09/05/2018 07:31

@Slartybartfast - very wise words

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 09/05/2018 07:32

I know it’s very Mumsnetty to assume ADHD or similar, and I’m not one for leaping in with this, but your DD’s behaviour sounds so like my DS that I’d be tempted to look into it. Tough love isn’t the right strategy if this is her situation.

Pickleypickles · 09/05/2018 07:33

I think its time for tough love - if you are so shit she clearly doesnt need your help. I would stop doing anything for her, no cooking no washing no money etc. She will either see the error of her ways or she will move out but atleast then you dont have to come home to it everyday you can rebuild yourself and your mental health and then try and rebuild the relationship with out being constantly around one another (if she takes the latter option).

cafetea · 09/05/2018 07:38

Make an appointment with your dd in a cafe or restaurant. Send her a list of points you'll be discussing and ask her for her list in advance. Agree how you will talk in that each has their turn and no one can just walk away until the meeting is concluded. Her list will be upsetting for you but it will clear the air. Do not take anything to heart - you are helping her. Do this on a regular basis - twice a month or so get rid of the hassle and get your dd back. See if you can both talk to a a counsellor or someone who can help you both individually and paerhaps together. Your dd is your dd and you can get back to a good relationship with her. Your mother - I had a terrible childhood so I can understand how tough this is. Keep her emails in the spam folder. You are doing well. Stay strong

Singlenotsingle · 09/05/2018 07:44

It's easy to say she will have to find another place to live, but what happens if she doesn't? Difficult to physically throw her out! These kids have us by the heartstrings (I've got the same problem but luckily mine is pleasant. I don't think I'll ever be rid of him though). How can you chuck an unemployed "child" out to sleep on the streets? Not helpful though. Sorry

Blahdeblah123 · 09/05/2018 07:47

Shiny - are you the daughter, want bother commenting?

OP - no real advice I'm afraid. But I think shaking head speaks sense. I went to a talk on 'how to deal with teen conflict' it was very good.Could you try finding a local psychologist?. If not PM me and I will give you the details of the Dr who did our talk..... Try stay positive

TheIsland · 09/05/2018 07:52

Have you had psychotherapy? I’m assuming you have, but if not definitely do!!

jeanne16 · 09/05/2018 07:59

You are repeating a pattern that you learned from your mother. If you aren’t careful, your daughter will go NC with you. Since you have introduced her to the idea by going NC with your own mother, this will just be repeating the pattern.

I would do everything in my power to make things up with your own mother and your daughter.

Slartybartfast · 09/05/2018 08:05

Agree, about the pattern.
you need to break this.
not by buying her stuff or ignoring confrontation.

leggere · 09/05/2018 08:18

Not saying that there Is OP, but there could be a mental health problem here. My adult dd is exactly like yours and has just been diagnosed with a personality disorder. Now on meds, doing a bit better and due to receive counselling. I feel as though I have nothing left to give. I have zero left, physically, mentally and emotionally. I know how you feel.Flowers Flowers Brew

pigmcpigface · 09/05/2018 08:19

"She has two modes - aggressive and bullying, and regressing to a ten year old."

In the gentlest possible way, she is like this because you've allowed her to be like this. She's acting like a 15 year old, at 21. She needs to do a bit of growing up here, and the only way she will do this is if you start dishing out a bit of tough love.

It's easy to think, when you have been the subject of abuse yourself, that bending over backwards for someone is the right thing to do. But actually, people don't like boundaryless relationships. They are tempted to push and push until they find a boundary, with highly dysfunctional results. Boundaries are actually comforting for most people. (It took me until I was in my late 30s to realise this!)

Furthermore, in this case you are doing your DD no favours by engineering a situation in which she has the responsibilities of a child. She actually needs to learn - for her own resilience - what the world is like. You WILL have her stuck at home - and miserable - if you don't teach her to stand on her own two feet.