To feel in a uniquely awful position and want to give up

[wishitwasallabaddream]

I honestly feel I have reached the point of being unable to bear any more.

I have a really difficult relationship with my mother. She was emotionally abusive and neglectful throughout my childhood and often deliberately cruel to me as an adult. A few years ago I made the decision to go NC. I have never regretted it. Every so often I get a nasty email from her, it knocks me off balance but reminds me that I have made a good decision. More recently I have filtered her emails to my spam folder so don’t always see them though one caught me by surprise a few weeks ago when I was searching my email for something else and it came up.

Our daughter who is now 21 is also very difficult. I’m not exaggerating when I say the years of her being 13-18 were a living hell. She was emotionally and occasionally physically abusive. She would start fights pretty much every day. She did badly at school and since then has been in a cycle of getting jobs then being sacked. She did some work for dh’s friend at one point who admitted she was very lazy and did the bare minimum. She is currently at home having been sacked from her latest job. We give her no money but she has her last pay so is using that. Last night I tried to speak to her about getting a new job and she screamed at me that I have never supported her or been proud of her. I really feel this is unfair, I have always tried to encourage her and support her and rarely stand up to her to be honest as she creates such scenes.

She texted me last night to say I am deluded if I think I’m a good mother and listed all my faults. I have now blocked her. She regularly sends me messages like this.

I don’t think my mental health can take much more. To be in a situation where you have an abusive mother and an abusive daughter (they do not get on so at least are not encouraging each other though DD knows I’m NC with her grandmother and regularly uses it as ammunition)

I have tried so hard to be a good mum to her as I have such an awful mother and this is all devastating. I also just see a future where we are stuck with DD as she is making herself unemployable.

I just don’t want to get out of bed this morning.

Sorry have not updated.

Am lying here in tears because I just cannot take any more of DD. Things blew up last night when DH asked her if we can all sit down and have an adult talk about her plans. She kicked off really quickly. Told DH she hated him and so do all her siblings. Called me a bitch twice and other things I don’t even want to write down. Was so abusive.

I don’t think my mental health can take much more to be honest. I think if she doesn’t move out soon I’m heading for a nervous breakdown.

Oh and ‘even my own mum hates me’ in reference to me being NC with my mum. Who she has unbeknownst to me recently been in touch with. She can go and live with her, then.

Two pieces of advice from my similar experiences:

1. get yourself a counsellor - and not a talk-about-your-feelings one but a practical, how-will-i-feel-better-by-dealing-with-isues one.

1. she needs independence. she will not grow any more under your care and this is stifling her and causing the anger. she does not know this and probably feels bad about being angry with you too.

you both need space if your relationship is to improve in the future. use the money you have been spending on her for a flat deposit?

She felt attacked.
go out and chat op. take the softly approach.

So sorry to hear all this wishitwas. I really feel that your dd needs help, she is so similar to my dd who has mental ill health. It's just awful for all of you, I really feel for you Where can she go if she does move out and if she does and things calm down a bit, is it at all possible that someone can persuade to see the doc? She needs to get into the mental health system asap. That's a long road in itself but at least she would be in and you might see a light at the end of the tunnel?

I'd actually suggest counselling. Friend i know has two children the same, she had rough upbringing. Money wise and time wise she did everything for kids - they are ungrateful brats BUT i know my friend is far from perfect wanting to control their lives, know every detail and is openinly very scathing about them and negative from a young age. She doesn't know what she did wrong and communication fallen flat amongst her and her kids

Yes wish, I agree with Twillow and Allthewaves, you should look into counselling for yourself too. Hope you feel a little better now than first thing this morning. God, kids!! Why do we have 'em?

Op in the nicest way and I have not read past page one.. Perhaps try and listen to your dd.

Firstly you may genuinely be the greatest mum on earth and she is just going through a phase or maybe there is at least some of truth there.
Not all mums or dad's are good but who is going to admit it?

I see Mil for instance and have been appalled at her mothering skills. She thinks she is amazing.. Because she wants a hug or goes gooey over babies.

She thinks she is an incredible mother. She is cold, nasty, judgmental, materialistic, constantly negative.. Miserable... And doing basic every day things we all do is somehow really special when she does it.
She has not been emotionally there for dh and its obvious to all and sundry that he is a a massive dissapointment to her. I don't see how she can justify herself. What does she do?!

All I'm saying is try and get a calm moment and be open to your dd to speak to you. Defend what you feel you should or explain rather, say you want your relationship to better, apologise and promise to work on anything else.. And ask your dd to meet you half way and also look at some behaviours.

I also think when anyone in a relationship reaches a point dead lock like this to try and break it.

I don't think it's the right time to sit down and ask her plans. It's aggressive in the current situation.
First I think you should concentrate on getting your relationship repaired and the down the line ask plans.. When it's more friendly and supportive and loving.

To break deadlock I would back off, have weekend break? Change your behaviour.. Have lovely surprise meal out.. Treat her to band? Go with her? Theatre.. Whatever she likes do surprise... Get out of house and mindset that you both have.
Like a toddler stuck in wanting what they want and behaving badly you need to give her a ladder to escape from her bad behaviour.

Break deadlock in a nice way. Start to compliment her on little things... You were always rationale as she child or funny..

Get out old photo album.. Start to slowly be positive about her good qualities..

OP
Can I suggest you look at this book.
www.amazon.co.uk/Explosive-Child-Understanding-Frustrated-Chronically/dp/0062270451/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_14_img_0?psc=1&_encoding=UTF8&tag=mumsnetforum-21&refRID=KRC276K2QEA4PD3T5S5Y

It might give you some tools to find a way of communicating with your DD to find a way to stop things blowing up so painfully.

The author is a psychologist (20 years at Harvard Med School / Prof at Virgina Tech) with experience of dealing with children with behavioural problems.

Agreed, great book, I found it really helpful with my own sometimes explosive dcs.

OP, your dd is an adult and entitled to make her own decisions/plans, even if you don't like them. I can understand why she felt attacked when your dh 'asked her if we can all sit down and have an adult talk about her plans' - she doesn't have to share that with you and you have no right to demand that. How would you feel if your dm asked to know your life plans (clearly with an intention of telling you what to do and possible criticising your plans)?

Back off, let her know you're there if she wants but equally if she doesn't, that's up to her and you love her full stop, not just if she is a 'good child'. Try to put yourself in her shoes - she feels her dps don't like her and are disappointed in her, that mother/daughter relationships are likely to fail, based on the one she knows best, that you see her as a failure... It's not surprising she's touchy.

Rebuilding that relationship isn't quick but can be done. Read the book. It worked for me.

That said, you are an adult and entitled to draw your own boundaries. So not saying you should ignore your own feelings - but you should remember your dd is not a monster and not doing this to hurt you, she's doing this because she's struggling with her own feelings. If you can stop blaming her or yourself, you CAN resolve this and help her and yourself.

This is so hard for you and part of why she blew up last night is probably that she has no plans. I think I would have found it hard not to show her the door when she started getting abusive towards you.

I think pp's are right in that 'she needs space' etc and part of that is to ignore all the crap she throws at you, but that is hard and it is clearly becoming increasingly difficult for you to cope with.

Do try and get some counselling you've been dealing with this for a long time.

Op, I have been here and I can remember how very difficult it is and how it consumes your whole life. I am nc with my MIL and my dd used to bring this up as an example of my failings yet I had a good relationship with my own family, aunts, uncles, grandparents. Try to focus upon this and your long relationship with your dh.

I used to dread weekends when keeping her happy was the focus of our whole life. Our grandchildren lived with us along with dd and they were babies. She would go out drinking every weekend night and stagger in at 4 am. We were left with the babies all the time and if she could not go out, well I cannot describe the hell that we would be put through. If she went out during the day, she would just not come back or return inebriated.

I recall a colleague telling me that if his dd could not go out drinking or he refused to babysit, she would leave her son with drug addicts and that was our fear also.

I had to look at my own behaviour and I took the path of least resistance. It was far easier to "give in" and keep the peace and that did us and her no favours at all. I was to blame for over-compensating for the fact she had the children so young. I felt the more I did for her, the more she lost respect for me.

After a huge row, she moved out taking one of the children with her. The atmosphere lifted immediately but we had to go through court to gain PR for gs1. We were very worried about gs2. Sadly he was returned to us 6 weeks later in difficult circumstances.

No doubt I will attract criticism here too op but you have to let her make her own mistakes. She has to get her own place, never mind those telling you to work on your relationship again and again. It is past that now. Once she has left your home, you can then begin to work on your relationship on your own terms. Because you matter as well, alongside your dh.

I see my dd regularly now - I was at her home yesterday and she was here for a meal earlier in the week. But it is me, not her, who feels distant because it is hard to forget what happened. That is a fault in me but it is how I feel. You need to focus on your own life and accept you have made mistakes but she has also behaved appallingly. I wish I could offer better advice.

Totally agree with Juells

"Why on earth would she want her mother back in her life to continue abusing her?"

21 years old if not sn get out of get your fudgeing shit together one month to do so

And I won’t be spoken to or screamed at the first time you do from today I am off upstairs packing your stuff and dropping you off the the local YMCA

Tell her this today

@ElsieMc I am so sorry for what you have been through and think you have given excellent advice.

@wishitwasallabaddream a lot of posters seem determined to drag your own abusive mother into the equation and I must admit when you said they are in touch I did fear (actually before I started reading) that they would have formed a bond.

My 'feeling' is that you should totally put your mum out of the equation for you.

If your dd chooses to go and live with her, so be it. You won't be no contact with your dd but you maintain no contact with your mum.

Maybe living with your mum your dd will see how difficult your mum is! Maybe she will have sympathy for you! Or maybe she will be negatively influenced by your mum - but that will not be your fault.

You have said there are other children in the home, older and younger, so at least one other child dependant on you?

You must protect your mental health for the sake of you, plus your children especially the younger one/s and for the sake of your marriage.

Although you have said you have over compensated with dd you have other children, did you over compensate with them too? If so, how come they are not angry and swearing? My guess is your dd has ASD or ADHD or mental health issues and this is what is fuelling her problems. *Not you, or her dad (did he have an ok relationship with his parents, because it seems to me posters want yo blame your relationship with your own mum for your dd's ills which seems to forget your dd has two parents living with her!)

xxyzz "... your dd is an adult and entitled to make her own decisions/plans, even if you don't like them. I can understand why she felt attacked when your dh 'asked her if we can all sit down and have an adult talk about her plans' - she doesn't have to share that with you and you have no right to demand that."

But the response was not a 'normal' adult response.

It's not normal to feel 'attacked' when people you are living with (who presumably are financially supporting you) ask you your plans as an adult!

"How would you feel if your dm asked to know your life plans (clearly with an intention of telling you what to do and possible criticising your plans)?"

Well, clearly as she is no contact with her own mum and not living with (and possibly off) her mum that is not relevant.

Also why are you assuming the OP would be telling her dd what to do?

Presumably she just wants her daughter to get a job and pay her way.

Some families cannot afford to support adult children living at home and not earning. Even those who can support this financially might still object because it is not an ideal situation for the young adult or the wider family.

Mums are often the emotional and sometimes even physical punchbag for family members, and this is not ok. The daughter is 21. I wouldn't have a 21 year old swear and shout at me in my own home, not even if asked about plans (like are you carrying on living here whilst treating me like shit in my own home!) I would concentrate on getting her to leave the house, seek help for her problems which she clearly has, and get counselling for yourself to help you live with this difficult situation.

I'm contrasting this thread with the other one, where a late teen boy had gone off the rails, was out with friends doing drugs, and had a replica/air gun on him. Without question people said, get him out, go to the police, you didn't cause it. Here, the OP is being basically abused by her own dd verbally and perhaps they are scared of her kicking off, and instead people are suggesting fun trips to the theatre and that it's all her fault as a mum. The OP has a right to live in her own home without being shouted abuse at, she also does not have to pay for a 21 year old to treat her badly. It is time for the dd to move out, she actually sounds pretty capable, certainly of getting jobs even if she doesn't keep them, she's lived abroad. Off she goes then, you can help her from a distance, and keep the family home as more of a sanctuary as this is not good for all the other children either.

I also note mums are always blamed for their children's issues, whereas in the teen years there are multiple influences, including genetics/hereditary, friends, other parents, their own personalities, their dads. As a mum you are never in the right and if your child is unfortunate enough to have mental health difficulties or an undiagnosed disorder, than you basically get blamed for that. However, guilt (justified or unjustified) isn't a good reason to let adult children abuse you in your home.

@Thespringsthething EXCELLENT post.

Time for your dd to grow up and start supporting herself. Stop bailing her out, she thinks she’s got it all sussed out, tell her good luck, go prove it.

Please op, for your own sake make her move out. She's abusing you -'she felt attacked'?! Oh, the poor darling. I'm sorry, BULLSHIT, she is a 21 year old adult, and she will NOT abuse you in your own home.

My sister is just the same, and at 32 lives with my mum, abusing her, policing her life etc. My sister is unemployed, hasn't worked for 3 years, won't apply for Jobseeker's Allowance and move out because she'd have to live in a small, crappy place (the horror!) while she sorted her life out rather than living rent free with my mum in her nice house. YES my sister has issues of some kind and your daughter probably has too, but enabling her to live with you and hold your family hostage with her moods and abusive rages is not the way to go.

She has been enabled and pandered to (not intentionally, but it seems that's what's happened, with the best of intentions). she needs to frankly reach rock bottom, realise she's well on her way to making herself utterly alone, (because oddly enough no one in there whole world will actually put up with her abusing them), and sort her own life out. Love her by keeping the emotional door open, but the physical door shut - tell her clearly you love her but will not accept you or yours being abused. She will be accepted into family occasions and receive the benefit of your family love by being loving and respectful in return. It's a two way system, not a one-way one, and that's the honest truth about life.

At the end of everything, there is no, absolutely no excuse for a compost mentis adult to abuse another adult. And whatever issues your daughter may have, she knows what she's doing - deliberately manipulating and abusing you.

Don't do it op - trust me as someone who has seen the bad ending to this kind of scenario. You're worth more than being the emotional punchbag for another adult.

Oh, and re your daughter's relationship with your mum: two explosive people with a pretty selfish outlook? Will fall out in about 30 seconds flat. Your daughter can sign on, get a flatshare and look for another job. Give her a month as a deadline to sort it, make it utterly clear with your dh as a united front that this is what is happening, and do it.

Good luck.