To feel in a uniquely awful position and want to give up

[wishitwasallabaddream]

I honestly feel I have reached the point of being unable to bear any more.

I have a really difficult relationship with my mother. She was emotionally abusive and neglectful throughout my childhood and often deliberately cruel to me as an adult. A few years ago I made the decision to go NC. I have never regretted it. Every so often I get a nasty email from her, it knocks me off balance but reminds me that I have made a good decision. More recently I have filtered her emails to my spam folder so don’t always see them though one caught me by surprise a few weeks ago when I was searching my email for something else and it came up.

Our daughter who is now 21 is also very difficult. I’m not exaggerating when I say the years of her being 13-18 were a living hell. She was emotionally and occasionally physically abusive. She would start fights pretty much every day. She did badly at school and since then has been in a cycle of getting jobs then being sacked. She did some work for dh’s friend at one point who admitted she was very lazy and did the bare minimum. She is currently at home having been sacked from her latest job. We give her no money but she has her last pay so is using that. Last night I tried to speak to her about getting a new job and she screamed at me that I have never supported her or been proud of her. I really feel this is unfair, I have always tried to encourage her and support her and rarely stand up to her to be honest as she creates such scenes.

She texted me last night to say I am deluded if I think I’m a good mother and listed all my faults. I have now blocked her. She regularly sends me messages like this.

I don’t think my mental health can take much more. To be in a situation where you have an abusive mother and an abusive daughter (they do not get on so at least are not encouraging each other though DD knows I’m NC with her grandmother and regularly uses it as ammunition)

I have tried so hard to be a good mum to her as I have such an awful mother and this is all devastating. I also just see a future where we are stuck with DD as she is making herself unemployable.

I just don’t want to get out of bed this morning.

Thanks all.

I have probably overcompensated by telling her over the years that our home is always her home, no matter where we are and if we move, she will always have a home with us. It was important to me that she knew this as my mum threw me out as a teenager many times. But I think I have taken it too far and there is a happy medium.

Mindfulness would help her I think, I have offered to take her to yoga with me. I gave her some mindfulness colouring books and a little book of mindfulness in her stocking last year but she hasn't looked at them.

Thanks for the supportive and kind replies.

I'm absolutely not saying this is the case OP but I think you should very carefully examine her criticisms and see if you feel there is any truth in them at all. This forum is littered with threads about people who have gone NC with their parents due to their parents behaving badly and not acknowledging it or recognising it.

It may be that your daughter is difficult and stroppy - but you raised her. I think you have to try and find a way forward with her unless you're willing to see her cut you out.

Doing your best isn't good enough. Trying isn't good enough. Lots of parents think they are doing what is best and still mess up horribly. You have to self-reflect and examine what you could be doing to make this relationship better.

My sister has a personality disorder and I've had to go NC because my parents have never done anything constructive to help her.

I see a lot of her traits in my own DD (who is still only 5) and I think in the future we will have a lot of difficulties with her behaviour.

But she is my baby and it is my duty to make sure she doesn't end up like my sister.

Your daughter sounds like hard work, but difficult as it is, it is your duty and your DH's duty to stick by her and work with her, no matter how hard it is.

My parents totally let my sister down and it is such a shame. Their family has pretty much been destroyed by their inaction. They'll whinge and moan about how hard it all is but I have no sympathy at all - they failed and this is the consequence.

Spaghetti

Dear god, please don't pin a personality disorder on a 5 year old. There's a reason they won't diagnose it until 18.

I know I'll get eyerolls for saying this, but please consider the possibility of autism. This goes for OP too, and any others. It presents differently in girls and women, and is often misdiagnosed as PD. I was considered "difficult" as a child/teen, by my teens I was suicidal and secretly self-harming, I've always tried to be nice to everyone but I was just viewed as having bad intentions/lazy etc.... not diagnosed with autism until my 30s. Like a PP mentioned, my childhood would have been viewed as "good enough" from the outside...

Anger management classes would be good too, you could go with her.

If she has anger issues these will tip into her personal life and could really be detrimental to her future. Learning strategies to deal with her emotions would be a life tool she could use for always.

You could raise it in a gentle way and go along and see what it is like. Sitting back and hoping things get better won't work (not that you are doing this) I am just speaking metaphorically, you have to roll up your sleeves and tell her this is all being sorted out once and for all. You are behind her all the way, stay positive at all times, and then she needs to get on with her own young life.

She is 21 the world is at her feet, even if she is yet to look down and notice.

I'm not pinning anything on anyone MissMoney. What I'm saying is that I understand that a lot of my sister's behaviour is genetic and that it's not her fault that she is that way - and that I see that my daughter may be similar. At the age of 5 my sister was already systematically bullying me. By 13 the only course of action I could take to preserve my sanity was to entirely ignore her. My parents did absolutely nothing about the situation, result being that at 37 my sister is still bullying and manipulative and can't have normal relationships.

Regardless of the cause, it's the behaviour that has to be dealt with.

I honestly have reflected on what she's said, and when she says I've been 'unsupportive', these have been times when I've actually just tried to get her to reflect on her own behaviour.

So when I listen to her rant about how horrible her employer is because he asked her to stay on ten minutes because she was late and she told him no because her contract states she finishes at 10am, I gently pointed out that maybe it would have been better to stay and to try not to be late in future? That's not good enough. Anything less than nodding along furiously and agreeing that everyone else is in the wrong and she is in the right is 'unsupportive'.

She monitors your facial expressions and tone of voice and will pick you up if she thinks you aren't completely sincere, then sighs and storms out, slamming the door.

She basically wants me to agree with everything she says, whether it's agreeing that she only got a C in her A Level English because her teacher was crap and taught her the wrong stuff (backtracked when I said I'd challenge the school then) or that her boss was completely unreasonable to discipline her constant lateness.

One thing she said in her text that I don't want to be around her. And I do often leave the room when she comes in because I can pick up on her mood and know when she's spoiling for a fight. So I can see why she thinks that. But she'll come in, sigh and shoot me a dirty look and I have to ask her in a really neutral tone of voice what's wrong, the slightest hint of impatience or lack of sympathy in my tone is immediately registered and she turns it into a fight.

It's actually exhausting.

I actually think there's hope.
Sure, you have created 'a monster' - you didn't mean to, you did the best you could, you did what you thought was right. I'm sorry your mum is shit. So was/is mine.
But your daughter sounds sensitive, feisty, and like she has a sense of self worth. (Be it perhaps over inflated and entitled.)
My "mum" didn't give a shit about me. She may have thought she did, but I have come to realize she was unable to put anyone else first. She's the most self pitying person I have ever met. I was on my own from a young age. No emotional or financial support, ever. Not during difficult times, never ever.
I became a golden girl. I just had to, it was sheer survival. Top student, always had jobs, super responsible. Wouldn't say boo to a goose. Zero sense of integrity or self worth at work or socially. And absolutely disasterous mental health. Never thought I'd dare to have kids myself, every addiction under the sun, horrific nightmares, violently unhappy.
Better now, in my late 40s, very low contact with "mum" and have got support for myself, am a fairly loving and confident parent. But I will never recover from my childhood, not completely.
I think your daughter and you will face your own unique challenges, sure, but the outlook can be so much more positive than mine. I'm not sure how you can find balance and harmony in your relationship, or if she wants that. But I do think that perhaps with outside help, you can.
Sorry about the essay, your post just touched something in me.

Doing your best isn't good enough. Trying isn't good enough. Lots of parents think they are doing what is best and still mess up horribly. You have to self-reflect and examine what you could be doing to make this relationship better

I disagree with this, parents are humans, of course they can only do their best. The OP sounds like she's done everything in terms of reaching out, suggesting things, taking her dd away/being together, trying to challenge her rather than just agreeing with everything. What on earth can you actually do with a young adult who thinks everyone else is to blame?

I think what you can do is start to protect yourself. Your dd is getting to the age where ideally she would be maturing out of this teenage stroppiness/blaming everyone else/losing jobs through laziness and she isn't.

Mothers always get the blame, no one ever blames fathers weirdly enough even though in my experience mums with difficult teens are often the ones that keep loving, keep reaching out and keep on keeping on with their children even when they get hurt in the process, a lot of men just keep out of the way and withdraw.

I agree with you OP that counselling for yourself is a good idea, plus starting to think about how you can have boundaries about behaviour- your dd is an adult now and can live independently so it isn't quite the same trapped feeling, it also sounds like she has a lot of get up and go if she continually can get work and has lived abroad and hopefully she can build on this and find her way to the life she wants. I wouldn't personally allow someone to treat me like shit in my own home and not a 21 year old child, even if they had any type of disorder as I couldn't live like that, so that would be my starting point.

This could be my daughter you're explaining. Exact same behaviour. As for counselling, my daughter tried it once. Apparently, the counsellor was a joke and spoke to her in a condescending manner! They won't accept help as they're not the ones in the wrong. My daughter had two faces, one for her friends, work colleagues and boyfriends and one for home. A true Jeckyll and Hyde. As I said previously, get her into her own place and give yourself breathing space. My daughter saw this as 'you don't want me here, you don't like me, etc', even though I stated that my door was always open.

@wishitwasallabaddream I am so sorry this sounds very hard.

I'm not an expert or someone who has been through this personally, although my 14 year old who is on the autistic spectrum has been quite hard work at times!

in terms of your mum, you are totally right to be no contact and you are not your mum, you are nothing like her. So rest easy. Maybe you have over compensated somewhat as you did not want to be like her. However, I don't think you could have created your daughter's problems and issues just by being too supportive!

Honestly, your daughter sounds like she has some mental health issue and/or ASD and this is not your fault.

Please explore getting help for your dd or at least pointing her towards it.

I wonder why she is so angry. I was angry at times as a teen and it was always jealousy of others (more confident, better looking, more capable than me) or fear at failing in job or looking foolish. Who is to blame? No one really, you lack confidence and the skills that everyone appears to have and you are angry and frustrated, you can’t wave a magic wand to gain confidence so what do do you- probably take it out on someone else. I think counselling for her is the answer so she can understand herself and see she is no better or worse than anyone else and that her future is in her power to sort.

P.S. Another thought: You mentioned your daughter uses your decision to go NC with your mother against you.
Have you had a calm, frank chat whit her about that situation, when neither of you is feeling upset? She's an adult now and I'd be tempted to explain. Not to make excuses for your own parenting methods, not to come across as feeling sorry for yourself, but just to clarify that you grew up with a mother who is most likely mentally ill and that it wasn't very good. That it's absolutely affected the way you have been a parent to your daughter, because you didn't want her to have a horrible childhood like you did. That you probably made many mistakes (hey, we all do). That you love her and want things to go well for her.

@SergeantCalhoun "I actually think there's hope." I agree.

However "Sure, you have created 'a monster' - you didn't mean to, you did the best you could, you did what you thought was right."

I strongly disagree. It is not possible, I believe, for parents to create a monster by being too kind or too supportive. Yes, spoiling children is not good, but the OP doesn't seem to have 'spoiled' her.

Parents can and do inflict child abuse on their children and can inflict brain damage by cruel treatment and neglect from an early age.

However, simply being too supportive is not in that league! It's clear there are other children older and younger in the family. I think that unless the OP has staff and unlimited funds it would be nearly impossible to pander to her dd's every whim!

Although she may have allowed her daughter to 'get away' with some things because confrontation is painful, so what. I've done the same with my teenage child who can be very much hard work.

Read the opening post....

" I’m not exaggerating when I say the years of her being 13-18 were a living hell. She was emotionally and occasionally physically abusive. She would start fights pretty much every day. She did badly at school and since then has been in a cycle of getting jobs then being sacked. She did some work for dh’s friend at one point who admitted she was very lazy and did the bare minimum."

How could the OP have created this behaviour?

Over compensating, lack of boundries? But sure, I wasn't there. Sorry if my post sounded harsh, I'm not a native english speaker.

Sounds to me like she has mental health problems of some type or a drug/alcohol problem that you dont know about. Not that many women get sacked repeatedly from work, its mainly men.
I think I'd go to the G.P and ask them for some advise first, the problem you have is that your daughter has to be at a stage where she wants help herself. That tends to be when people lose everything and reach rock bottom, unless they have a lot of insight early on.

OP I think counselling for you to help you to deal with this, to build up your assertive side etc, is just what you need.

I have not read all comments but I agree with elderflowerandrose,
"Anger management classes would be good too, you could go with her."

MyOtherUsernameisaPun "Doing your best isn't good enough. Trying isn't good enough. Lots of parents think they are doing what is best and still mess up horribly. You have to self-reflect and examine what you could be doing to make this relationship better."

How exactly can one do better than one's best?

It is totally right to self-reflect and the OP has said she has done that. She has given examples of the support she has given to her daughter. I think it is fine for the OP to keep reflecting but I also think for her own mental health it is important for her to know she has not created this situation.

She sounds very similar to my sister wish - you can't say a word to her or she reads all sorts of things into what you're saying. She does manage to hold down a job though and tends to do quite well.

I think my sister is genuinely lost and confused and expresses that with anger. She really struggles to manage in the real world - even though she does do well at work she finds it incredibly hard and stressful to deal with situations that most people would find pretty simple. She can't seem to engage with people positively - her anger is her way of expressing herself and she doesn't understand how it creates more problems for her - and she really struggles to see anything from other people's point of view. I have wondered if she has autism rather than a personality disorder but I find it very hard to have any objectivity about her behaviour given the impact it's had on me down through the years.

Have you talked directly to your daughter about what she wants for her future and how she might achieve that? When was the last time you just gave her a hug and said you know how hard things are for her?

As difficult as my sister made my life, I still feel incredibly sorry for her. She needs an enormous amount of help to even begin to engage with the world properly and no one is there to give that to her.

@SergeantCalhoun "Over compensating, lack of boundries?" The thing is that with children who are difficult or on the spectrum or whatever you do IMHO ( and from experience) start out with boundaries. When you encounter when you try and enforce those boundaries is a massive over reaction. Anger, Swearing. Aggression. At times it can feel easier to not have that explosion. And as the child gets older the boundaries change anyway.

I am not picking on you for your lack of language skills just arguing (and you can totally disagree with me) but parents who have kids who constantly challenge boundaries, argue and aggressive have not necessarily 'created a monster'. Parents who neglect, abuse, torture and assault they kids do definitely create a monstrous situation. But even in that situation it is not necessary for the child to become awful horrible etc, some escape terrible parenting and go on to be fabulous people.

So I think we need to be very careful assuring that parenting can create people in such a way.

It sounds like you desperately need to have family counselling. It sounds like your daughter needs some individual counselling too. I'd argue all teenagers/young adults need counselling as it's a difficult time with a lot of changes.

I wouldn't go into family counselling with an adult child who is prone to blaming everyone and everything. The daughter is an adult, not a confused teen, and has lived abroad independently and so on. I would get counselling for myself, and suggest it to your dd- she may explode she doesn't need it, but it may plant a seed in her mind. That said, she is an autonomous adult and it's up to her if she doesn't want to have counselling or seek help with her mental health issues. Your role is really to bolster yourself so that you can be firmer about what you can put up with, which will in turn help her hopefully, and if it does not will at least protect you from the worst of it.

@SergeantCalhoun Just to clarify I was not having ago at you. I have read your post about you own upbringing and I am so sorry your mum let you down so badly and treated you so very badly.

PS When I said "But even in that situation it is not necessary for the child to become awful horrible etc, some escape terrible parenting and go on to be fabulous people." I was not thinking of any specific situation or person. I think some people have appalling childhoods and terrible parenting is never to be excused.

However, the OP has explained how she has been supportive and suggested that she may have over compensated because of her own upbringing. Yet with other children in the family not displaying this behaviour I do really think the behaviour is something to do with your daughter and not her upbringing. The first comments to this thread have made some very hurtful comments, OP I hope you have not taken these to heart.

Your dd sounds like she needs a parent who loves her. Not enables her, but loves her. Stop enabling the lack of practical responsibility but increase the emotional support. She may be an adult but she still needs to know you love her and are on her side. Even when she's being a pain. Especially when she's being a pain

This is excellent advice. I say that as someone who has similar multi generational mother daughter issues.

wishitwasallabaddream - I am so sorry for what you are going through. I had an abusive mother growing up, so I know the scars it leaves.

Please get some professional help. We're all guessing at what is going on here. You need counselling or therapy for yourself to deal with the abuse from your mother and if at all possible you need separate family therapy to try and unravel what is going on with your daughter and the family dynamic.