Aibu to think my dd is not causing friend to self harm

[inashizzle]

My 12 yr old is being accused of causing self harm. Her friend's mother called me to say that the school had been in contact advising her that her dd has been cutting her wrists. I am feeling so upset for her dd. She says it started after a fall out back in march with my dd. The two of them have an on/off friendship largely because when my dd's friend tries to sether her other friendships, dd stops talking to her. I listened to dds mother and gave support. I do feel though that there are deeper issues i.e. her dd has been left at home for many hours since year 5.

Your DD is probably not the cause but she's not helping.

You don't say how you've tackled this with your DD? You have a responsibility here too.

If I was the other mum I would not want my DD to be friends with yours unfortunately.

Your DD gives her the silent treatment if she spends time with other friends?

The two of them have an on/off friendship largely because when my dd's friend tries to sether her other friendships, dd stops talking to her.

Your DD behaviour is controlling and contributing to the others girls problems. I would not want my daughter to be friends with your daughter whatsoever

Whilst your daughter is not the cause per se, as there’s going to be a mental health issue at the root of it, I’d say her behaviour is a factor in whatever is causing her friend to self harm.

I think Op means the OTHER girl tries to stop her DD having other friends. Therefore DD stops talking to her.

DD needs to be told to be nice to her if they are still friends and not to purposely upset her, but it's not her fault. Children don't self harm just because they've called out. The child must have bigger security/abandonment issues which the fall out just exasperates

You say your daughter stops talking to her friend when her friend wants to see/speak to other people. Why does your daughter behave like this?

You need to speak to her about this. Not normal behaviour and no wonder this is causing her friend problems!

The self harm thing is clearly a bigger issue and I doubt it’s just the actions of your daughter that has caused this.

Clearly there are other issues going on and feel so sorry for the girl who is self harming.

Your dd is not going to be helping matters giving her the silent treatment- who told you this happens?could there be more than just silent treatment- ask yourself honestly.if there is more it’s better to know.

It could just be your dd actions were the straw that broke the camels back so to speak.
Friendships, especially those with teen/ young girls run there course and it sounds like for the well-being of all concerned this ends now.

I mean if the girl had a day when DD was blanking her and she felt really hurt by it she could be cutting herself because of DD on those days. If she’s having a different day and the overwhelming sadness from that day is being home alone for so long or feeling neglected by her parents then that day that’s why she cut herself.

Your DD isn’t forcing her to cut herself but she could be a reason she cuts herself.

Do you check your dd's phone to see if there are messages between the girls? It's highly likely that there are.

Sorry OP can you clarify a bit please? Do you sever rather than sether? Sever whose friendships? Is it that your daughter's friend is trying to stop your daughter from seeing other friends and that makes DD not want to talk to her?

I think the OP means the dd’s friend is controlling -tries to sever dd’s other friendships.

Might be come misunderstanding here Op.
Are you saying that your dd’s friend attempts to stop your dd having any other friends?
Or are you saying that your dd doesn’t like her friend having other friends?

She means sever (I think?) - I've read it as the other girl doesn't want OP's DD to have other friends, so tries to break up her friendships, causing OP's DD to stop talking to her, so other girl starts cutting her wrists.

If she has been left alone a lot she might be screaming out for love and attention but not know how to go about it effectively.

I read the op exactly as astounded did

So to explain, dds friend has been overbearing. Of course I'm prioritising dds friend. How do you know whether or not actually it is dds friend creating conflict , rather than assuming my dd is to blame!

I did mean sever

I thought sether was a typo for 'see her'!

Yes, OP, do clarify if you meant sever.

I personally would have argued back that self harming would be caused by the family life, not my dd. Grow a spine and defend your dd. Also, if that girl tries to sever your dd’s other relationships then i’d want to cut her off completely.

I think it’s best your dd steps back completely from the friendship and her friends parents support her while this happens. If your daughter is doing anything to inadvertently cause harm then removing her from the equation will help the girl. It sounds like the friendship has become a bit toxis

I am reading it the same way as astounded , can you confirm op?

I just saw your update of course I am prioritising dd's friend - is that right? You should be prioritising your dd NOT her friend, you can support the friend while prioritising your daughter but your daughter is being accused of something awful and wrong, what a terrible burden to be put upon her, do not accept that burden.

One thing doesn't cause a person to self harm it's multiple things that may seem small and insignificant to others and underlying mental health issues. Friendships are rocky at high school age if she wasn't fighting with your DD something else would cause her to self harm. Her mother needs to seek help and speak in depth with her DD and you need to speak to yours about being sensitive to her current situation as hard as it is

I read it as sever too. Glad you clarified OP. It sound very much like your daughter needs to end this friendship for both their sakes. It sounds toxic (on her friends part)

She is 100% not to blame for this. I really think you need to have her back in this and tell the mother that you do not think your daughter has played a part in this and you think it's better that they keep their distance. That woman needs to focus on her child and get her help, not finger point at other children and blame them for making a perfectly thought out decision to back away.

@inashizzle people are assuming that because your OP doesn't really make sense. Talk to pastoral care at the school if you're concerned

Don't be arguing over what causes it. It's a coping mechanism it's not about fault of others, friends OR family. It runs much deeper than that.

Yes there might be situations that set it off but that doesn't mean someone is to blame for each occurrence. The mum is wrong to blame your dd and equally you are wrong to blame her home life. Some people have perfectly lovely home lives and still self harm to cope with negative emotions they can't deal with.

Whether your dd is friends with her or not, whether they fall out and then back in again (as is common at that age) your dd is not to blame for another child self harming. This girls is clearly struggling and she needs support and intervention. Looking around to find another child her age to blame isn't going to change the fact that she physically hurts herself because she's struggling mentally/emotionally to cope with her life.