Aibu to think my dd is not causing friend to self harm

[inashizzle]

My 12 yr old is being accused of causing self harm. Her friend's mother called me to say that the school had been in contact advising her that her dd has been cutting her wrists. I am feeling so upset for her dd. She says it started after a fall out back in march with my dd. The two of them have an on/off friendship largely because when my dd's friend tries to sether her other friendships, dd stops talking to her. I listened to dds mother and gave support. I do feel though that there are deeper issues i.e. her dd has been left at home for many hours since year 5.

if friendship is stopped I would feel so bad . On the other hand if I tell my dd to remain strong friends- is the girl going to blame dd again?

I understand you feel bad. But this girl has problems that it's way beyond the competence of a 12 year old to deal with. You and and your DD are not and cannot be responsible for her.

If you tell her to remain friends, she will blame DD again and so will her mum. Her mum is clearly in denial about the extent of the problem.

This so difficult and I sympathise with both of you. I suspect neither girl is completely innocent (they never are!) but this has become a pretty toxic and dysfunctional friendship. Had similar with my son at this age (no self harm though) what worked in the end was a change of form group and distance from each other.

I had lots of long talks with DS about how it was time to move on but still be civil but he was not to actively seek out this boy as they were incapable of just getting on. They have been switched around for subject groups now so other than form time have no classes together which has helped them both spread their wings and establish new friendships.

It might be worth speaking to school and asking if they can be seperated as much as possible to create a natural distance

Do you know , this is mumsnet at its best , really. I've felt truly miserable all weeekend but then felt wretchedly guiltily as I felt the mum and child are suffering more. Talking about it on here has given me confidence , to start dealing with this more . You all do t know how much this has helped xxxxx

The friendship is doing neither girl any favours, and it is perfectly right that they should have some distance between them.

If the other mother truly believes your dd is to blame then surely she will be very supportive of their friendship easing off too.

You absolutely must protect your dd from this toxic mess. You would not want it to negatively start affecting her MH and confidence as well.

I would be moving heaven and earth to keep your dd away from this. Make sure she is another class etc if you can from Sep.

Agreed. Good advice.

Also, I don't think self-harming is about getting attention, I always understood it was about a release, when emotions are too powerful to deal with.

It can be both, Juells. Any many other reasons too. There are probably as many reasons for self harm as there are people who self harm.

It was both of the above for me. Initially it was about getting attention. Nobody would listen to me about how depressed I was and how stressed I was and unable to continue coping (my parents were acrimoniously divorcing but still living together, sibling in jail and bullying), as I had used words many times but my family didn't listen. So i self harmed for someone to take notice (thinking you can ignore my words but wounds are tangible), and take action with/for me. People say attention seeking like it's a bad thing but sometimes you're so forgotten about and ignored you desperately do need some attention and support.

Once I'd got into doing it I found it helped a lot. Gave me a relief. Cut through the numbness. Felt euphoric. Was something just for me that I was in control of. And it just felt right to me to finally have evidence of how badly I'd been harmed, it didn't make any sense to me that I was hurting so badly and nobody could ever see or cared. The cuts reversed that.

As somebody who has been there, I fully disagree.

As I said in my first post, that day DD igniting her could be a trigger to cut herself, the thing that’s in her head that’s making her do it that day. She’s not the reason that she decided to start cutting herself if that makes sense.

Self harm comes from different reasons. I did it because feeling that bit of pain released other pain. In this case it sounds like she’s doing it so people notice and are there for her. They are both a cry for help. Even if she is doing it for attention there is a reason she needs that attention, because she doesn’t feel secure.

Xpost - good luck OP.

I would not tell your dd that she is being blamed for this, it could make the situation worse. You have already established that this isn't true. Don't reinforce a lie.

I would simply say to dd that the other girl is going through a very difficult time with self harm, and that she may blame lots of things for this but actually she just isn't that well and it isn't likely to be 'one' thing but probably years of issues and worries. Reassure her the school and family are aware and are helping her.

I would ask your dd to keep her distance for now, as the school will be helping the other girl, and it would be better for everyone if she had space and time to do this. I would encourage your dd to be nice to the other girl and treat her with kindness, but beyond that to stay away. Point out gently any squabbles could make things more tricky for everyone, so best to stick to her other friends.

Your dd needs to be on board with the kind but distant approach, but not feel responsible for this girl.

Great minds think alike with our cross post, Middle!

I think you need to stop the friendship for your DD's sake. The girl needs proper support but is manipulative and your DD shouldn't have to deal with it.

@WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam

As other posts have said your dd may well be the trigger, not because of what your dd has done, but there may be for other reasons she has focused on your child (and she may focus on others once your dd is not around anymore, I am willing to bet that is the case)

It is infinitely better that the trigger is taken away for the other girl, and much better for your dd that she is not involved with this.

I really hope she is getting lots of support and help, and as a mother I am sure her mother is going to hell and back, so I understand why you would be so worried all weekend, but this is not something you can change or take responsibility for, there are lots of other adults that will be taking care of her now, I would focus on keeping your dd safe and well.

Good luck op!

I’ve had similar problems, my daughter is friends with a girl who others avoid because she is very needy and emotional, I’ve seen the emotional blackmail texts to my daughter for simple things like who sits next to who. Problem is we live in the same village and they are both first on the school bus. She is a nice enough girl but her parents are very protective (bury their heads/part of the issue) she was moved from her primary school for the same reason. If she doesn’t get her own way she lashes out. My daughter wasn’t at primary school with her.

My daughters birthday is coming up and it’s causing all sorts of guilt decisions.

Is you daughter at an all girls school out of interest?

I’ve dealt with it along the same lines of flashlights advice. The result so far is the girl is learning the manipulation is no longer working and actually a surprise result is the girl is getting stronger and slowly building friendships and everyone is benefiting.

I think part of her problem is her parents have never been balanced with her and always jumped to her defense so she has used this to her advantage (mother was headteacher at her school) so learning real aspects of what it takes to be a good friend has been a steep learning curve for her. This girl also threatened self harm but luckily didn’t actually do it as far as I know.

In one teacher's words there has been a spate of self harm and anxiety in year 7. My dd knows of 5 girls in year 7. I know dd's friend knows these girls too and older ones who self harm.I guess we are so sad to hear of kids so young, indeed anyone and fear that any others will. I did tell the mum to call young minds. I asked if child would get counselling at school. She said something about because the marks are fresh, not now. I told mum I'd do anything I could to support.

I did ask pastoral care this morning what was going on with so many - she just said 'life at the moment'.

No Op. it is not your job to support them! Focus on your child and your family.

Just because it's a 'factor' doesn't mean it's yours or your DDs problem

I really do agree with this.

It’s the loss of control of emotions that is causing the friend to self harm, not your dd. There will be 101 things that could trigger this in the girls life. Is the mum planning on removing them all to stop the girl from self harming? She is grasping at straws if she thinks there is a simple answer and someone to blame.

Yes, it was just when the pastoral care woman said my dd could be a factor, it reinforced blame. My eldest dd would have had the capability to deal with such mostly by herself- my 12 yr dd isn't articulate enough to explain to teachers - hence she shuts down, switches off. Her bluntness is great in that it prevents escalating situations, but not fear in giving clear answers. I agree we need to protect her from being blamed, probably have to just completely stay apart.Their friendship was based on their silly sense of humour but was near an end naturally.Seems harsh as I say it, but reading other posts I think that's for the wellbeing of both.

Last Friday at lunch my dd was encouraged to jump dinner line by other friends . The girl pushes her, my dd retaliated pushing back, girl kicked my dd, they both get detention but girl writes an exaggerated statement

this may not sound like much, but does sound to me like bullying, a group of girls who encouraged one to be nasty to another, I don't think you are getting the whole story from your daughter, in isolation this one incident is just low grade bullying but if there are many similar things throughout the day then yes it could very easily be more serious bullying and be a major factor in why the other girl is self harming.

Girls can be vile,( I have 5, 2 older, 2 teens and one preteen), they frequently fall out with each other and are quite spiteful, they want to be part of a group but also tend to have one close friend, I feel for them all, it does need looking into and maybe the girl needs to see a counsellor

I cant really add anything to the good advice other people have given you, but as the mum of a self-harmer, your dd is absolutely not the cause of this and its very unfair of the mother of dds friend to even suggest its your dds fault.

My ds has self harmed after a friendship fall out, but that is not the cause of the self harm, that is due to ds's inability to deal with his own emotions. Ds is having help and counselling and your dds friends mum needs to sort out help for her daughter instead of blaming other people.

My dd was in the wrong for que jumping and they were all mural friends. My dd did not push in front of the girl, she was behind. The girl aggressively pushed my dd, when my dd pushed back the girl kicked her leg, hard. If anything the first girl was physical first. Both have detentions. I know my dd was not to blame and I know kids will be kids. The 'friend' is powerfully strong. Her mother says she didn't know her own strength. I'm afraid she does, she's flung a few kids into the wall- anyone would know.My dd says she was defending herself . I did tell her she shouldn't que jump

Dontwaethersmallstuff
This means a lot from you , I hope your Ds gets fantastic support x

It's certainly not your DD's fault, she is allowed to choose who she is friends with and not be controlled. This girl seems very manipulative and the finger pointing at your DD indicates attention seeking. Tell your DD to take a break from the friendship and ensure that the school supports this decision. Reassure DD that what the girl has done was her decision and DD was not to blame or a 'factor' in causing it and the girls issues are between her and her parents and the teachers to resolve. If the mother calls again ensure to tell her that while you feel very sympathetic for their situation your DD is not involved, nor does she wish to be, and you would prefer if she contacted the school rather than you from now on. Inform the school of the girls home life and things she's been looking at online (suicide website I presume?) The girl is not your priority DD is!