Aibu to think my dd is not causing friend to self harm

[inashizzle]

My 12 yr old is being accused of causing self harm. Her friend's mother called me to say that the school had been in contact advising her that her dd has been cutting her wrists. I am feeling so upset for her dd. She says it started after a fall out back in march with my dd. The two of them have an on/off friendship largely because when my dd's friend tries to sether her other friendships, dd stops talking to her. I listened to dds mother and gave support. I do feel though that there are deeper issues i.e. her dd has been left at home for many hours since year 5.

They’d be better off just not being friends.

It’s toxic for both of them. They can be civil but ultimately it’s unhealthy for them

The girl does get jealous if my dd has other friends. She will as I see it deliberately FaceTime mural friends to bad mouth my dd. My dd just leaves it rather than it going around in circles. Last Friday at lunch my dd was encouraged to jump dinner line by other friends . The girl pushes her, my dd retaliated pushing back, girl kicked my dd, they both get detention but girl writes an exaggerated statement . When her mother rang me about self harm I hadn't got the heart to say her dd is overbearing, has been manipulative and watches 13 reasons why etc. Left on social media all day. Her mother works hard, long hours . If my child is the reason she is triggering I don't know whether to say for my dd to take her off social media.

Lots of girls of this age have friendship fall outs and issues in their friendship groups. iIt's not fair to blame a 12 year old girl for another girl's self harming. The mum is clearly upset but no its not your DD's fault.

This is a really tricky situation because it sounds like your daughter would be better off without this friend but cutting the friendship entirely when her friend is so vulnerable seem a a bit cruel. I think in this case I would suggest you ask for a meeting with her form tutor or head of year and discuss this with the tutor. I say that as a secondary school teacher as I really think it would help to have the school on board.

It is quite unacceptable for the other mother to call you and effectively blame your dd for her dd's mental health problems.

Girls fall out all of the time, it is what they do, but not every girl cuts her wrists due to this. It is not fair on your dd to be blamed for something so dreadful at 12 years old.

If it were me (and I have a dd this age) I would be advising my dd to keep her distance from this child from now on, being kind and civilised at all times, but not encouraging any deeper friendship so that she can no longer be blamed for the problems the other child is having.
Explain to your dd that this girl is in a bad place, but this is not her fault in any way and that the other girl will need extra support and help.

I would be putting in a call to the school to find out their views are on what is happening to be sure that there isn't a serious underlying bullying issue (You would need to address this quickly and robustly if you do uncover this) but given they haven't called you I would imagine there is not a big problem. Assuming it is just normal girls stuff, you will need an agreement with the school about their plans to support all the girls, and that you wish to be kept informed if anything changes.

Lastly call the mother back, and tell her you are very sorry that her dd is struggling so much, and that beyond a couple of very normal fall outs between the girls everything at school is within the range of normal pre teen girls as confirmed by the school. I would gently suggest she speaks to the school again regarding her dd, and seeks professional help. I would not be getting involved or allowing my dd to be held responsible for this.

Your dd can be not be the scapegoat here.

I want to be able to say to the girls mum, she should never have been home alone for all of those hrs. Both parents work full time and say they have no choice, but I can't understand why they wouldn't pay for childcare.

I think your DD's friend is controlling. My DD 10's best friend tried to do this with her. Intervention from their class teacher (form tutor if your DD's in secondary) sorted it out.

I can't shake the guilt though as I'm so upset that the girl is self harming and her mother is suffering too. My dd has never bullied throughout school. She is generally not interested in drama, even though it has hurt her when friends have been influenced by the girl, she has largely ignored .

It is not for you to get involved with her childcare arrangements (even if this is clearly the reason) You can say to the school however that this child is being left for extended periods alone and leave it with them raise other possible issues for the self harm.

It will be better coming from them.

If you tell the mother she is to blame (not caring properly for her child) expect a very strong response. Even if it is the truth.

It seems to me that the child's mother has so far done nothing at all to indicate she is in someway responsible for her own child's well being (and of course she and the child's father are ultimately responsible for their child, not you or your dd) but she is finding more convenient and easier excuses in the shape of your dd.

My instinct is that they shouldn't be friends atm mainly in case the girl truly believes it is my dd causing the self harm. But posters are so right - if friendship is stopped I would feel so bad . On the other hand if I tell my dd to remain strong friends- is the girl going to blame dd again?

Although I have discussed falling out, I have not told my dd she had been accused of causing self harm

You must not feel guilty. This is not your fault or your dd's.

The other girl definitely needs help (and lots of love and support), but it is not something you can change nor dd.

Toxic friendship. Remove your daughter from it.

I hadn't got the heart to say her dd is overbearing, has been manipulative and watches 13 reasons why etc.

I want to be able to say to the girls mum, she should never have been home alone for all of those hrs. Both parents work full time and say they have no choice, but I can't understand why they wouldn't pay for childcare.

You have to, though.

Sounds like both you and your dd are struggling to cope with your dd’s friend and her mother. I would contact the school and talk it over with them. Be clear that you only want the best for both children, but your dd is struggling not to be cut off from her usual circle of friends, and is now being made a scapegoat for her friend’s problem.
Try to focus on helping your own dd. If you comment on how the other child has been brought up, it will come across as unnecessary criticism. You can allow the school and friend’s parents to work out what is best for her future.

I want the best for the other girl.I do believe it's been toxic but she the mum called me, I felt I should listen anc not deny because she must have been devastated. I didn't want to defy her and I didnt want to go into denial in case my dd had done something-anything wrong.

1. The other girl's mother should not have contacted you about this. If she had concerns about the friendship, she should have raised that with school.

1. The other girl is responsible for her own actions.

I spoke to the pastoral care a little while ago. I said I'm upset, is there any reason my dd would be accused. She said obviously it's not the reason but could be one factor- just feeling seriously shit and wretched. Don't want to bombard my dd, however I'm worried that if the other girl has passed this as a reason , she has manipulated other children by given such a sad tale of events , my dd will get labelled as a reason. But I can't be angry with the girl as I'm sad for her .

Just because it's a 'factor' doesn't mean it's yours or your DDs problem.

I'd work very very hard to stop all communication and friendship between your DD and this girl.

The other mother can prioritise her DD you should and must prioritise yours.

One of my daughters had a friend like this and it continued into adulthood, with the other girl throwing strops if my daughter had anything to do with people who were 'enemies' of the other girl. It was very OTT and stressful. When she tried to pull back from the drama, as an adult, the girl's mother accused her of being responsible for her daughter needing counselling :( She (my daughter) is NC now, as she couldn't deal with the pressure. You have to protect your own daughter, and leave the parents to deal with the self-harming. It's a toxic friendship for your daughter. The blaming will continue as long as she's there to be blamed.

I think your DD can distance herself from her and phase the friend out. It is harder to do in a school environment but it’s possible. DD stays friendly and polite but can excuse herself in one to one situations, invites etc.

It depends how the persistent the friend is.

When I said DD is a reason for the girl to cut herself, she is. She’s not the reason she has decided to initially cut herself. That sounds like it comes from loneliness and needing attention where she realises it or not. It’s a call for help even if she is being manipulative with it. She wants someone to notice her and yes, if what you say is all correct, it is most likely to stem from being home alone. But equally she could have had other shitty things happens to her.

I havnt told my dd yet that the friend is blaming her. She's just 12 and I havnt found the words. But I have to because word will get back to her. It's one heck of a thing to have on her shoulders and I'm so worried other girls will blame her. Any advice from you guys immensely appreciated.

I have not told my dd she had been accused of causing self harm

Good. Because she hasn't. She can't. Kids fall out over things all the time, they don't all go on to self harm. Self harm is a coping mechanism for difficult emotions. The emotions and their triggers aren't the cause. Otherwise every one of us who ever fell out with a friend or felt sad would self harm to cope and we don't all do that universally.

I would work like PP said to encourage DD to distance herself from this girl other than civility and tell her mum if she contacts again that you're sorry she's having a difficult time but you've sought advice on the issue and recommend she speaks to the school or mental health services regarding her DD's problems. And keep repeating like a stuck record if you need to 'I'm not a mental health professional so I really don't feel qualified to comment but I hope you get the help your DD needs'.

Self harming aside - I had a friend like this - I had to be her friend and couldn't be friends with anyone else. If I hung out with anyone else she kicked off.

I wasn't prepared to give up my other friends so I stopped being friends with her.

That is actually reason enough to end a friendship over because it will never work. Being blamed this girl's self harm is even more reason.

I feel bad for this girl, but if her mother is blaming your DD for her mental health your DD needs to keep well away. Otherwise you could all get enmeshed in a very tricky situation. Also her mother needs to see that her self harm is not related to your DD.

You have done nothing wrong to feel upset. Your dd may be a factor, but so could all the other girls and many many other reasons.

The friendship is doing neither girl any favours, and it is perfectly right that they should have some distance between them.

If the other mother truly believes your dd is to blame then surely she will be very supportive of their friendship easing off too.

You absolutely must protect your dd from this toxic mess. You would not want it to negatively start affecting her MH and confidence as well.

I would be moving heaven and earth to keep your dd away from this. Make sure she is another class etc if you can from Sep.

I would give very little thought as to whether others will blame dd, any parent with half a brain would know that girls don't self harm over a few arguments. They probably won't even be aware of it.

Actually as we've been going through this I have known the girl to make up stories on a small scale about her neighbours kids. When I've checked with my dd, she's said her friend didn't tell her mum the truth. They were too trivial to title tat to the mum.

@MiddleClassProblem

When I said DD is a reason for the girl to cut herself, she is. She’s not the reason she has decided to initially cut herself. That sounds like it comes from loneliness and needing attention where she realises it or not.

I disagree with that entirely. Firstly, it isn't the OP's daughter's fault, that's just an excuse. Also, I don't think self-harming is about getting attention, I always understood it was about a release, when emotions are too powerful to deal with.

Just phrase it as 'friend is self harming, do you know much about self harm? When someone is so down they often lash out at others to try and explain what's going on, friend is saying that her problems with friendships at school with you and other girls are part of the reason she's feeling down. You've done nothing wrong and her decision to self harm is hers alone, but I wanted you to know what she's said in case it comes out at school. Not everyone self harms when they're sad so if anyone asks, I've advised her mum gets help from the school or her doctor and I recommend you do the same. Any questions?'

A bit more tactfully of course but that's the gist I'd advise.