Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Very worried

81 replies

tasha1223 · 08/05/2018 03:17

I have been with my partner for 8 years and we have had our fair share of ups and downs! Around 4 teats ago I cheated on him with a friend of my sisters. I regretted it immediately and we managed to sort things out. He went on holiday to Vegas for 10 days with his brother and friend and left me at home with out 3 kids( a whole different thread)!! He is due to come home on Friday. The problem is he is still finding it hard to trust me! And the whole time he has been away he has messaged accusing me of Everything. Today we had a chat and I thought we were good. However tonight he has called me and announced that years ago I was carrying in with his brother and he's admitted it!!! He. Tried to call tonight and I ignored him. He then sent me an intimate picture of me and told me If u didn't answer he was listing it in Facebook!! I'm in tears as I am terrified of him posting Thea rummages and also because I am physically and emotionally drained of being accused of everything u can imagine over a mistake made 4 years ago. I need someone to put my mind at ease
Posted in aibu for traffic

OP posts:
Duchessgummybuns · 08/05/2018 03:34

You don’t deserve to be punished forever for your mistake, he either forgives you or he doesn’t. As for threatening to put intimate pictures of you on Facebook... that’s fucking despicable and there’s no excuse in the world for it.

He sounds truly vile OP and I’m afraid my only advice is to LTB, I don’t think he can ever redeem himself for even threatening that. Hopefully he’s all talk but just in case screengrab the threats, because revenge porn is a matter for the police to deal with.

Birdsgottafly · 08/05/2018 03:45

I don't think that he doesn't trust you, more that he's found the stick to beat you with.

I agree that the revenge porn threat should be reported to the Police. It now carries a Prison sentence, so after a chat from the Police, he definitely won't be doing that.

You need to decide if you really want to be in this relationship. Personally speaking, his actions would enough reason to split.

Merryoldgoat · 08/05/2018 03:55

Cheating wasn’t a great thing to do, of course, but he decided to forgive you and take you back. His behaviour is utterly despicable. This is bkt how you treat someone you love.

Go to the police, do not allow yourself to be blackmailed.

He’s an awful man and I’d be making plans to leave him if I were you.

doormat12 · 08/05/2018 05:34

Lots of other stuff has happened as well, this is just the nail in the coffin. I'm an absolute nervous wreck and have been for a long time. Feel as if I'm tip toeing around him all the time. Could run a mile Angry

WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam · 08/05/2018 05:39

Look, when someone cheats and the couple decide to stay together and work things through, there may be trust issues but the whole point of deciding to work it out is that you work towards having a trusting, loving relationship again.

If he can't treat you with respect and he's had four years to work with you on this, you guys are toast.

Someone who has been betrayed might need a lot of reassurance over the months and years following the infidelity, even if they want to move past it it might be difficult and require the unfaithful partner to put the work into showing them how they've changed and won't do it again etc. If he were coming to you and saying 'I feel insecure and jealous cos I can't stop thinking you shagged my brother, am I right?' that'd be fine!

But what he's doing is horrific. He's commuting a crime against you. He's using your intimate photos as a leverage tool to control your actions. He's literally blackmailing you.

Your last post (name change failed btw) shows you're

WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam · 08/05/2018 05:41

Oops

Your relationship is in a shit place, and I don't think you can repair it with all that's gone on and going on... so many ups and down, cheating, now this. This won't be the last time he uses those photos as leverage. Get the hell out of the relationship, screen shot the evidence that he has threatened putting them on Facebook and email it to yourself from a new gmail account you've made for that purpose (so he can't delete if he knows your email details or has access to your phone), and have a think about reporting to the police.

ChasedByBees · 08/05/2018 06:46

you have nothing to be ashamed of. If someone’s husband posted photos like that of their wife I would think worse of them, not the wife and I would encourage her to go to the police.

AnyFucker · 08/05/2018 06:52

We cannot put your mind at rest. Getting shut of this dickhead might though.

And 10 days lads holiday in Vegas leaving you at home with 3 kids ? Good lord, that would not be a thing in my house. Have you spent the last 4 years getting used as a doormat ?

youwouldthink · 08/05/2018 07:05

Firstly change your Facebook settings to stop anyone posting on your wall or tagging you in any way.

Second get out of this!

doormat12 · 08/05/2018 08:03

Basically yes!!! Not the first holiday either.. I'm here with kids and dog and trying to keep day to day life running smoothly! I understand I have treated him badly in the past and he has some insecurities, I just think if he was that fukin insecure he shouldn't have buggered off and left me for 10 nights!! Now I'm getting the whole' I've not enjoyed this holiday because if u, and thanks for ruining my dream holiday!! He has passwords to all my social media, Snapchat, he goes through my bill and looks at whileI've called and when!! He also has my details logged into his iPhone so he can track my location when he's gone !!! It's making me ill Sad

Duchessgummybuns · 08/05/2018 08:22

I think you know what you need to do. Nobody deserves to be treated that way, no matter what they’ve done in the past. Have you got any support IRL, friends, family you can confide in?

doormat12 · 08/05/2018 08:33

Not really no, my family despise him! And I don't have many friends left as I very rarely socialise now. I feel as if I gave no confidence left at all, just existing. Even the way he speaks yne is shocking. He calls me slack arse and yo-yo knickers in public ( not all the time but once or truce

AnyFucker · 08/05/2018 11:59

It's not worth it any more, is it love ?

LifeBeginsAtGin · 08/05/2018 12:07

It sounds like neither of you should be in a relationship with each other.

Thebluedog · 08/05/2018 12:15

Trusting someone who’s had an affair is a very difficult thing that do, even several years later. My ex cheated on me and I still found it difficult not to bring this up during arguments or hold it against him. A lot of this was due to the fact we never really talked about it and he gave me minimal information. We divorced 3 years after as I couldn’t cope with it.

That said, I think the way he’s treating you now is awful, threatening to post intimate photos of you on line is now illegal and can carry a prison sentence and a criminal record. If he can’t cope then you need to split up, he can’t keep using the affair as an emotional stick to hit you with

doormat12 · 08/05/2018 14:47

He thinks he deserves this holiday!! The actual words he has used in the phone!! I'm starting to resent that he son holiday living it up doing god knows what and I'm here with the kids 13,7,6 rushes off my feet and feeling emotionally drained and still getting all the shit for nothing!! I feel as if I can't breath and I have no privacy what so ever. I've never felt as low in my whole life

helpconfused · 08/05/2018 14:51

It's abuse. Get out. This is no way to live.
Sounds all too familiar.

Poptart4 · 08/05/2018 14:54

Revenge porn is against the law and you could have him charged. Make this clear to him as it might make him stop making threats. If it doesn't then report him and his texts to the police.

Secondly cheating was wrong but if he chose to forgive you 4 yrs ago he can't keep bringing it up and punishing you for it.

Sadly I think this relationship is over.

lola006 · 08/05/2018 14:54

Omg do what ^ said and change your fb settings! I have it set that I have to approve everything I am tagged in (like, photo, a simple post to my wall)...you need to do that ASAP. Then change your fb password in case he knows it.

rollingonariver · 08/05/2018 14:59

He's using the cheating as an excuse to be an arse to you.

rollingonariver · 08/05/2018 15:03

Think, if you left him he'd have the kids every once in a while on HIS own and you could go on all these holidays.

doormat12 · 08/05/2018 15:05

And the best but is the brother u have allegedly slept with is in holiday with him!!!! And not a word said to him!!! There's a lot more happened as well that I would be too frightened/ embarrassed to post here. I just can't live like this anymore Sad

pigmcpigface · 08/05/2018 15:18

So your brother-in-law has told your husband you were 'carrying on' with him? What does that mean? That you were having an affair?

It sounds like you have not only a problematic husband, but an entire family of problematic in laws.

What you did was bound to break your partner's trust - it was awful - but if someone isn't prepared to forgive and at least make an effort to move on, then there's no future in the relationship. This sounds like it would be much better for you to call it quits.

passmetheloppers · 08/05/2018 15:19

Tell the police.

Flowers
YearOfYouRemember · 08/05/2018 15:20

Only read OP

Sounds like HE has cheated on you while away. 100%

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.