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AIBU?

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Original poster

Very worried

81 replies

tasha1223 · 08/05/2018 03:17

I have been with my partner for 8 years and we have had our fair share of ups and downs! Around 4 teats ago I cheated on him with a friend of my sisters. I regretted it immediately and we managed to sort things out. He went on holiday to Vegas for 10 days with his brother and friend and left me at home with out 3 kids( a whole different thread)!! He is due to come home on Friday. The problem is he is still finding it hard to trust me! And the whole time he has been away he has messaged accusing me of Everything. Today we had a chat and I thought we were good. However tonight he has called me and announced that years ago I was carrying in with his brother and he's admitted it!!! He. Tried to call tonight and I ignored him. He then sent me an intimate picture of me and told me If u didn't answer he was listing it in Facebook!! I'm in tears as I am terrified of him posting Thea rummages and also because I am physically and emotionally drained of being accused of everything u can imagine over a mistake made 4 years ago. I need someone to put my mind at ease
Posted in aibu for traffic

OP posts:
Charolais · 08/05/2018 16:28

Close down all your social media accounts.
Get a separate bank account.
Tell him it is over.

BewareOfDragons · 08/05/2018 16:29

I'd pack his things up and send them to X Location, tell him where he find his things when he returns to the country, and that you will be contacting the police over his threats to post revenge porn on the internet.

Consult a solicitor immediately.

Juells · 08/05/2018 16:35

If she's closing down various accounts she needs to make sure they can't be reactivated. That's why I thought it might be better to change passwords. Then she can delete knowing they can't be reactivated.

What a shit position to be in - and I think that even though I've been on the other side of an affair. But I'd never have treated my ex like he's doing to you.

SandyY2K · 08/05/2018 16:55

Sadly some people can't get over the pain of infidelity several years later. Something has happened out there to trigger him.

That doesn't for one minute excuse his blackmail threat. That's simply out of order and unacceptable.

Him going on holiday wouldn't be an issue for me. My DH and I have both gone away leaving the other with the kids.

Some couples move forwards after an affair...but don't actually deal with it properly at the time.

You can look at dealing with it or ending it. I personally wouldn't want to be with a man who had threatened to put my pics online...but if you decide to stay..you need to be firm on what you're going to put up with from him.

doormat12 · 08/05/2018 16:59

To be honest it's not the holiday that bothers me( although there's no way he would allow me to do the same!) it the crap I've had to take while he's there. One minute he's on the phone or texting telling me we will be fine and not to worry. Then I'm waking up in the morning to a message calling me a slag and accusing me of things!

SandyY2K · 08/05/2018 17:18

It's not an equal relationship if you couldn't do the same. You need to make it clear what you will and won't tolerate. Yes...you cheated..but him calling you a slag isn't acceptable.

When he gets back...make some time to sit him down and tell him you aren't prepared to be spoken to like that and whilst you're prepared to help him heal from your betrayal...his behaviour isn't something you're going to live with. He can leave the house and decide if he wants to be with you. If he decides to return and wants to stay with you ..then he needs to find a healthy way to deal with his triggers.

It comes down to whether you can stand up to him and actually end it. If he thinks you never would...then he'll carry on behaving like this towards you.

Motoko · 08/05/2018 17:49

You've had excellent advice on this thread OP, so what are you going to do now. You haven't acknowledged any of the advice, such as changing your passwords.

doormat12 · 08/05/2018 17:56

I think you hit the nail in the head!! I have allowed him to walk all over me for so long that he knows he can. The cheating and this holiday is just the tip of the iceberg tbh. He doesn't like me seeing family or friends, and doesn't like me going out anywhere really. Like I said previously I Know I've done wrong but u fee as if 4 years of chopping and changing his mind is too much. He wasn't great at trust for the 4 years before the cheating to be honest.!just feel so alone alb-the time.

doormat12 · 08/05/2018 17:58

I have changed all of my passwords on all sights.. I have also switched if the location app which allowed him to track where I was at all times. I was wary of changing passwords as u done this yesterday and he threatened again to pose an intimate video this time. If he ever posted any of these I would kill myself and that's no exaggeration. It is 9am in Vegas and he will have a stinking hangover when he wakes up.... queue the abuse in a few hours when he wakes

Juells · 08/05/2018 18:10

Text him and say you'll go to the police if he posts revenge porn. Send him this link
www.gov.uk/government/news/new-law-to-tackle-revenge-porn
and make sure he knows you mean it.

AnyFucker · 08/05/2018 19:25

Look love, a piece of shit like him deserves to be left hanging

No wonder you looked outside of this "relationship"....the man is a complete prick

Anybody tjat calls ypu a slag ^no matter what you have done actually hates you. He is enjoying punishing you and I bet he thought all his birthdays came at once when he discovered your infidelity. Whoopee, he thought, I can really ramp up the abuse now and she will have to take it

Well, you don't and you should not.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 08/05/2018 19:33

You really need to separate. At least while he’s away you’ve got a few days to get stuff sorted.

doormat12 · 08/05/2018 20:07

I know what you all are saying is right. It's just too much to handle now. When he's good he's good but recently these good spells are getting less and less. U actually couldn't remember the last time a day had past I've not been in tears for some reason or another. U need start focusing on what's best for me nor. I'll talk to him tonight when he calls. Thanks so much

TypingoftheDead · 08/05/2018 20:22

Abusers are good because it's part of the abuse, not in spite of it, unfortunately. I really hope you can get away if that's what you're planning (I don't think this relationship is going anywhere, either). Definitely call the police if he tries to blackmail you with the pictures and videos. That's horrendous.

PositivelyPERF · 08/05/2018 20:36

Op, do you mind if I ask why you let him take intimate photos/videos of you? We’re you happy to do that or did he suggest it?

doormat12 · 08/05/2018 21:22

Yes he suggested it a while back and I agreed stupidly thinking it would be fine. I was so shocked that he used the against me as silly as that sounds as he has had them for so long and has never once threatened to use them like that. I was so shocked last night. Hes off the phone and not really sorry for his actions. He just kinda brushed them under the carpet. And tried to turn it on me! Wish I was as strong as some of you Grin

specialsubject · 08/05/2018 21:39

block him. you have kids so there is your responsibility.

redastherose · 08/05/2018 22:50

He's abusing you and you are sadly letting him because you have been conditioned into feeling constantly guilty and as though you have no right to say no. I would bet you that you are being blamed because he has done exactly what he is accusing you of as people like this often put the guilt back on the other party.

Firstly, you really need to tell him that if he posts either a picture or a video of you online then it is a criminal offence and that you will have no hesitation in informing the police and he will return to find all his belongings out on the front lawn. This will hopefully make him think twice about doing something so awful to you.

Secondly, you need to make a plan to leave this relationship. It is no way to live and a bad example to show your DC's. No one should make you beg and grovel for 4 years.

You made a mistake, presumably you were sorry about what you did but I would think that perhaps you were unhappy with your relationship prior to that incident. Might be worth thinking about why that happened in the first place.

Motoko · 09/05/2018 08:43

I'm glad you've changed your passwords and removed the app. Now you need to contact Women's Aid, and tell the police about the threat of revenge porn. Your children need you, if you commit suicide, you'll leave them in a very bad place.

He will be nice sometimes, it's a classic abusers tactic. They do it to make you think that there is a nice person in there, if only you can stop making them angry, then things will be good again. But, it's all an act, to manipulate you and keep you with them. Don't fall for the lie.

You can be strong, you might not feel like you can be, but there have been thousands/millions of women who were in your position and felt weak and helpless, but managed to find the strength to leave. You can too.

So, tell Women's Aid, and ask them for help. And ask your family for help too.

LilySwamp · 09/05/2018 09:02

Consult a solicitor and get the ball rolling on a separation/divorce while he's away.
There's nothing in this relationship for you, op - who needs this terrorising prick in their life?
I wouldn't allow him across the threshold when he comes back from holiday either.

FranticallyPeaceful · 09/05/2018 09:04

Show the police

doormat12 · 09/05/2018 12:27

I've spoken to my mum and she's agrees do we can stay here for a while. I'll move our things tonight and tomorrow before he comes home. I've also saved all the message he has sent, I have a feeling he will try to use these pics as leverage when he comes home to make us go back home to him, so I will make sure I speak to the police as well. In the long run if he posted them, I would rather have a few weeks of embarrassment than a lifetime of hell. As my old gran says ' today's news is tomorrow's chip paper'. Feel much brighter today.

Thebluedog · 09/05/2018 12:54

Glad to hear it OP! Well done Flowers

AnyFucker · 09/05/2018 12:57

👍

Motoko · 09/05/2018 13:47

Good, that sounds positive OP. Don't go back to him, no matter how nasty, or how lovely he is. Be aware he will probably try different tactics, so if threatening you doesn't work, he could try lovebombing and promising the earth. It's all designed to get you back so that he can continue to abuse you. If you do go back to him, he will ramp up the abuse.

Make a list of the really important things you need, so you don't forget them in the heat of the moment and have to go back for them.

You can do this. Good luck.

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