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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My Dad's just rang and had a massive go at me

87 replies

SpikyCoconut · 07/05/2018 14:28

And I can't decide if Im in the wrong.

My Dad's came round to my house for a drink/Bbq on Saturday and told me his cousin's husband died last week. Quite upsetting news to me, I don't see my Dad's cousin often but I get on well with her always have, and I always liked her husband a lot too. We had a lovely dinner party with them a couple of months ago and although he'd been ill, the death was not expected at all.
Anyway my mum is on holiday at the moment (my parents are still married but she's away with other family) and I was talking to her on messenger yesterday and mentioned him just in the ' I didn't know (name) had died, how sad' sort of context. She replied something like 'I didn't know either Dad only found out the other day'.

My dad has now rang and had a huge shouty rant at me for telling my mum and can't I keep anything to myself and I'm always the same (I don't know if this is a valid thing at all, and I'm questioning what he means) and didn't I think to consider him first etc etc.

Very open to being told he was right to have a go at me. I didn't for one minute think he'd have told me (and my partner and friend who were there!) Before he told my mum (his wife!)either.
Wibu?

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 07/05/2018 14:30

Why would he spoil her holiday?
It's normal to wait until they arrive home unless immediate familly
He may be right in saying to talk too much

mimibunz · 07/05/2018 14:31

I don’t understand why he’s cross. Why would you keep something like that a secret? Is reaction is bizarre.

hammeringinmyhead · 07/05/2018 14:31

I never mention stuff like that unless I know the person has been told and or they bring it up first.

Sirzy · 07/05/2018 14:32

I think ideally he snojld have told you he was waiting until she got back to tell her

RuggerHug · 07/05/2018 14:32

He could well have been waiting to tell her when she got home but he should have said it to you so you didn't say. I'm assuming she won't miss the funeral being away because if so he should have let her know so she could decide if she wanted to come back early.

hammeringinmyhead · 07/05/2018 14:33

Agree he should have told you not to say anything!

Original poster
SpikyCoconut · 07/05/2018 14:34

I understand that , I was wrong to assume she knew. He died last week, had it only just happened I'd have been very mindful to not say anything. Also my Mum really isn't sentimental and it definitely wouldn't have affected her (my dad knows this, he moans about her lack of sentiment/emotion often enough).
Maybe he's right about that though, I will endeavor to keep an eye on myself with sharing information.

OP posts:
PersianCatLady · 07/05/2018 14:34

In the days before being in constant contact, I found out that my Mum's father had died a day into a week long holiday.

I decided not to contact her to tell her until she got home.

Perhaps this situation 8s similar?

GreenTulips · 07/05/2018 14:35

It wasn't your news to share

Do you do this a lot?

KeepServingTheDrinks · 07/05/2018 14:36

I think your dad over reacted, and this is possibly a reaction to the death/part of his grieving. Esp if the death was unexpected. I hope someone's been in touch with the cousin. And Flowers for you all. Sorry for your loss.

Smeddum · 07/05/2018 14:36

If he wasn’t going to tell your Mum until she got home (reasonable) he should have told you.

The fact he didn’t and then had a go at you is unfair.

Stopitjuststopit2018 · 07/05/2018 14:40

@greentulips Do you do this a lot?

Do you ask patronising questions a lot?

OP what you said was completely acceptable and it’s not private news if it’s a family member, nor has anyone got copyrights on such news

Original poster
SpikyCoconut · 07/05/2018 14:41

I don't think I do it a lot.. But I'll be mindful of it now.
I also had no idea she didn't know. It's often me who's kept out of family things (my cousin's son died a year before I found out for example). My mum's reply too, 'dad only found out the other day' implies that she already knew . I tried telling my dad this but he just bellowed over me and then put the phone down.

OP posts:
InsomniacAnonymous · 07/05/2018 14:43

"My mum's reply too, 'dad only found out the other day' implies that she already knew ."

That is an excellent point.

GreenTulips · 07/05/2018 14:43

It's often me who's kept out of family things

You see I have a DD who would do what you did, because she's very open and puts her foot in it - a lot

So I don't share with her because it's not worth the fall out.

Both are linked

Juells · 07/05/2018 14:44

Text him and tell him she already knew. He's bvu.

Original poster
SpikyCoconut · 07/05/2018 14:44

Thank you keepserving.

I asked my Dad for his cousin's number (my 'phone broke recently so I've lost people's numbers) so I could message my condolences and he gave me it but told me not to bother her that day (Sunday) so I haven't messaged her yet.

OP posts:
SadieHH · 07/05/2018 14:45

Why wasn't it her news to share? She's as much family as her dad is.

Takfujuimoto · 07/05/2018 14:48

If he thought you had form for not keeping things to yourself ( whatever he means) then why'd he tell you this and not add a caveat to keep shtum?

It's a normal conclusion to think your father would have told your mother, his wife before telling you, even more so if he didn't tell you he hadn't ffs.

You haven't done anything wrong.
If you were the rampant gossip he has insinuated then he wouldn't have told you before your mother got back or he would have said not to say.

YANBU

Original poster
SpikyCoconut · 07/05/2018 14:49

Green maybe I am like that..I think part of it is possibly that I'm the baby or seen as such. (I'm mid thirties though). I'm my dad's only child and dont have any cousins in this country and my mum was quite old when she had me..very much brought up alone. I'm sure this may not make sense but I'm very much 'the child' if you will. However there are plenty of things I know regarding family that ive not ever shared and wouldn't. I genuinely did not know this was something unmentionable.

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 07/05/2018 14:49

Of course it was her news to share.

But I think, OP, it sounds as if your dad is just grieving and perhaps letting out his emotion a bit. I'd cut him some slack and not get stuck on who's right and who's wrong.

I also agree it's clear your mum knew, from her response.

letsdolunch321 · 07/05/2018 14:50

Regardless of if it was/wasn’t ypur news to share, why didn't you dad say I’ll tell our mum once she is back from holiday. Saying that to you op would have saved this unnecessary situation.

Rememory · 07/05/2018 14:53

"My mum's reply too, 'dad only found out the other day' implies that she already knew ."

Yes, it does. What's he on about?

Original poster
SpikyCoconut · 07/05/2018 14:53

Thanks for the replies everyone. I don't know whether to msg my dad and apologise but say I really didn't know it was wrong to mention, or just let him cool off for now.

OP posts:
KurriKurri · 07/05/2018 14:53

Well technically it wasn't your Dad's news to share - it was the cousin's news. If she wanted it kept quiet, your Dad shouldn't have passed it on.

He sounds like he wants to be the self appointed bearer of news (good or bad) - and is annoyed you 'stole his thunder'. And your Mum knew anyway (so presumably he told her before he told you, so what the hell is he on about anyway ??) I'd just leave him be until he stops being a drama llama and apologises for shouting at you.

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