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AIBU?

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Original poster

My Dad's just rang and had a massive go at me

87 replies

SpikyCoconut · 07/05/2018 14:28

And I can't decide if Im in the wrong.

My Dad's came round to my house for a drink/Bbq on Saturday and told me his cousin's husband died last week. Quite upsetting news to me, I don't see my Dad's cousin often but I get on well with her always have, and I always liked her husband a lot too. We had a lovely dinner party with them a couple of months ago and although he'd been ill, the death was not expected at all.
Anyway my mum is on holiday at the moment (my parents are still married but she's away with other family) and I was talking to her on messenger yesterday and mentioned him just in the ' I didn't know (name) had died, how sad' sort of context. She replied something like 'I didn't know either Dad only found out the other day'.

My dad has now rang and had a huge shouty rant at me for telling my mum and can't I keep anything to myself and I'm always the same (I don't know if this is a valid thing at all, and I'm questioning what he means) and didn't I think to consider him first etc etc.

Very open to being told he was right to have a go at me. I didn't for one minute think he'd have told me (and my partner and friend who were there!) Before he told my mum (his wife!)either.
Wibu?

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 07/05/2018 15:36

I agree with everyone... He's been totally unreasonable...

if He truly felt you can never stop sharing news.. He wouldn't have told you in he first place... plus your Mother already knew...

He's being very unfair Flowers

StaplesCorner · 07/05/2018 15:41

OP can you explain why your mum would be upset that her husband's cousin's husband has died? Were they very close? Was your Dad very close to either the cousin or the husband? Because it sounds to me like your Dad is just being controlling - nothing you have said would lead me to believe he was concerned about anyone, just that he fancied breaking the news himself.

How old are all those concerned? And does he have form? Do you normally have a good relationship?

Original poster
SpikyCoconut · 07/05/2018 15:49

staples she absolutely wouldn't. I've no doubt about that. My Mum got on with cousin and husband but through my dad, they weren't close at all. I'd say I was definitely closer to cousin than my Mum was. My dad was closer,it being his cousin but they seldom saw one another or even rang. Lives separate and all got on when together but that's about it.

Yes he does have form unfortunately.
Er Dad's 66,cousin and the sadly late husband both early 50s.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpikyCoconut · 07/05/2018 15:52

Our relationship has been very strained until I'd say about the last 5 or 6 years. He's always had issues with me, my upbringing, everything I do but we seem to get on okay now and as my mum's on holiday I've made a point of involving him with me hence the BBQ and I invited him to have a wine in the garden with me last night.. I love him but he's difficult I can't say he isn't!

OP posts:
frasier · 07/05/2018 15:57

"It's normal to wait until they arrive home unless immediate familly"

No it's not! What a weird thing to say. There is no "normal" when it comes to breaking news of a death... to someone on holiday. People do what they want.

OP, your Dad is making a big deal of a little thing when someone has actually DIED. First world problems. Don't apologise, leave him to it.

Italiangreyhound · 07/05/2018 16:02

"Our relationship has been very strained until I'd say about the last 5 or 6 years. He's always had issues with me, my upbringing, everything I do..." I'd say as an adult you can now choose to have a relationship with him on your own terms or tell him not to come round until he is ready to treat you like an adult. Life is too short!

Your upbringing was not of your doing.

This 'confusion' was not of your doing.

When are you seeing him next, are there plans?

I'd just let this lie and forget it now. He is in the wrong.

OldBean2 · 07/05/2018 16:02

The only rule we have about deaths in the family or close friends is not to call someone late in the evening; it was so people would get a good night's sleep.

However, I think you were not unreasonable to talk to your mum about it as she obviously knew. Your dad needs to get a grip... and probably not be using a chainsaw when he is in a temper.

My father was similar and could not cope with his children becoming independent adults.

SandyY2K · 07/05/2018 16:03

Your dad overreacted. YANBU

GeorgeW78 · 07/05/2018 16:09

If he said you're always like that then why did he tell you or why didn't he tell you not to say anything? He might be annoyed at himself that he didn't or it's the grieving process. I don't think you did anything wrong, he's just feeling a bit sensitive right now. If you'd normally call/text/visit then do that, he (and you) might need someone to talk to even though he reacted badly at first. Flowers

LaCerbiatta · 07/05/2018 16:15

I think some people are really weird.....Your cousin dies and you don't find out on the day? And you can't talk to your mum about it?

And the pp who said their mum's dad died and she didn't tell her until she came back from holiday? What the actual fuck???

This must be a British thing completely incomprehensible to me...

Ohyesiam · 07/05/2018 16:19

It doesn’t sound to me like you were sharing news, as you assumed she knew. You didn’t text saying” guess what?”
He needed to tell you not to mention it if that’s what he wanted.

Jamiefraserskilt · 07/05/2018 16:27

He should have said, don't tell your mum but he also needs to know she knew already.

StaplesCorner · 07/05/2018 16:30

Spiky in that case please dont apologise to him - or just say "Oh I didn't realise it was a secret" - he doesn't sound like a great Dad to be honest, but I get that he's your Dad and you love him. Doesn't mean you have to support him to be an arse though.

Gemini69 · 07/05/2018 16:33

This must be a British thing completely incomprehensible to me

it's most certainly NOT a British thing Grin

TenancyTroublesAgain · 07/05/2018 16:33

@GreenTulips she wasn't "sharing" the news. Hmm her mum would surely have known. It's surprising that she didn't.

Original poster
SpikyCoconut · 07/05/2018 16:33

I'm home now so can try reply to things all have said.
tot yes, especially as he did tell 'randoms' or much more randoms than my Mum, at the barbeque.
He had this rant at me, I tried to defend myself to which he told me I was interrupting, carried on shouting, I didn't say another word and then he said 'thank you' and hung up.

He could have easily said my Mum didnt know. He mentioned it quite casually as part of another conversation now I think about it . We were talking about doctors and illnesses and he said 'yeh my cousins' husband died recently etc etc' and I reacted with surprise 'Oh no, not ***?!?' so it really didnt imply it was to be kept from anyone.

Not sure he has a history of keeping secrets gemini, what do you mean?
he can be an utter 'drama llama' curious ( I like that phrase and I shall use it)! :)

I have messaged my Dad's cousin now.

Lol juggling he'd go ballistic!
kate I really dont think I am a gossip but I will keep tabs on it just in case.
heed yes you make a lot of sense.

Glad you said that greyhound It never crossed my mind I would know before my Mum. As I said no they weren't close at all. Very sad that tht happened with you but we all make mistakes.

Definitely hadnt been drinking ayla he does have a drink now and again but he was driving when he rang me. Not sure regarding my Mum, they do have their ups and downs but they've been married 45 years ish I guess that's expected. Good idea to say I figured we were an open family. I was tempted to tell him to foxtrot oscar I mean get lost

I thought that too frasier. This man's died, he was lovely and (off topic) he had an undiagnosed disease so I beleive his death could possibly have been prevented which is tragic, and my Dad's making it about him isn't very integral is it.

No plans to see him again soon, back to the grind tomorrow, Mum back mid-week. I dont know what he'll be like next time I see him :(

I really honestly did think she knew, never ever crossed my mind that she didn't or wouldnt know.
jamie he asked me why I didnt consider him, I responded by saying 'she already knew' and he shouted over me not to interrupt. So I didnt say anything else.

OP posts:
JessicaJonesJacket · 07/05/2018 16:43

Maybe it did affect your DF because it was a relative of his generation who died unexpectedly. It probably brought him face to face with his own mortality iyswim.
If I were you, I'd apologise. It's fairly standard not to tell people on holiday that a relative has died. I also think it wasn't clear what your DM's comment meant. It could have been she had spoken to your DF a few days before and he hadn't mentioned it so she was assuming he'd just heard rather than he knew and hadn't told her.
Turning this into a big deal and putting your DM in the middle of it is making it about you.

PigletJohn · 07/05/2018 16:46

It's normal to tell anyone who may have known the person, or their family, at the first reasonable opportunity. It could be more of a shock if they didn't know and said something untoward, or maybe read it in the local paper and nobody had told them.

If there are particular reasons for not telling somebody, you can try to make everyone aware of those reasons, but it's unlikely to work. If there are people you want to tell personally yourself, you have to do it quickly or they are liable to hear the news anyway.

A death is not a secret, and it's not private information owned by anybody.

YANBU

Ruffian · 07/05/2018 16:52

Turning this into a big deal and putting your DM in the middle of it is making it about you

OP has not done either of those things. And it's her DF who owes the apology, his behaviour was very unpleasant.

4seasons · 07/05/2018 16:53

I think your DF was totally over the top with his reaction. It was probably because he wanted to be the first to impart the news to your DM and you beat him to it.
If someone... anyone ... started to shout at me whilst on the phone I would put the phone down sharpish !! I wouldn’t contact him any time soon either and certainly don’t apologise... whatever for ? Another man who thinks he’s every woman’s boss and can tell them what they can and can’t do . Forget about it now .... if he brings it up be ready with your calm responses ... but remember, he’s not your boss !

JessicaJonesJacket · 07/05/2018 16:56

Ruffian I don't think OP has done either of those things. But I think if she questions her mum on when she found out, who told her, etc, then goes back to her DF in an attempt to 'prove' her point then she will be making it about her. I think her DF is probably grieving and whilst his response was disproportionate, I think this loss is more about him than anyone else iyswim.

Ruffian · 07/05/2018 17:04

Sorry jessicajones, I read your post wrong Blush

I don't think OP has any intention of trying to prove anything to her DF tho', he sounds like a very difficult person and it's wrong of him to try to make this sad death into a personal grievance.

thetriangleisarealinstrument · 07/05/2018 17:06

He had no right at all to shout at you. If he hadnt wanted her to know he should have told you that because I think you would assume someone would tell their wife something like that before they told anyone else, so understandable that you assumed she would know.

JessicaJonesJacket · 07/05/2018 17:06

Ruffian when I read my post back, I realised I hadn't been very clear Grin

kaitlinktm · 07/05/2018 17:06

Just leave him to it - he has ranted at you for no reason on a bank holiday weekend, miserable devil, leave him to stew in his own juice until your Mum comes back. I would like to think he is feeling a bit silly now, but he sounds pompous enough to think he is in the right. Still, the first move should come from him now, not you.