My Dad's just rang and had a massive go at me

[SpikyCoconut]

And I can't decide if Im in the wrong.

My Dad's came round to my house for a drink/Bbq on Saturday and told me his cousin's husband died last week. Quite upsetting news to me, I don't see my Dad's cousin often but I get on well with her always have, and I always liked her husband a lot too. We had a lovely dinner party with them a couple of months ago and although he'd been ill, the death was not expected at all.
Anyway my mum is on holiday at the moment (my parents are still married but she's away with other family) and I was talking to her on messenger yesterday and mentioned him just in the ' I didn't know (name) had died, how sad' sort of context. She replied something like 'I didn't know either Dad only found out the other day'.

My dad has now rang and had a huge shouty rant at me for telling my mum and can't I keep anything to myself and I'm always the same (I don't know if this is a valid thing at all, and I'm questioning what he means) and didn't I think to consider him first etc etc.

Very open to being told he was right to have a go at me. I didn't for one minute think he'd have told me (and my partner and friend who were there!) Before he told my mum (his wife!)either.
Wibu?

It would never have occurred to me that your DF would tell his daughter this news and not his wife. I would have done just the same as the OP.

Your DF should have told you not to mention it to your mum if he didn't want it mentioned.

His outburst looks v unreasonable. Maybe he feels guilty in case your DM was upset at being told suddenly, or maybe he's upset about the death, or maybe he just has ongoing control issues or an attitude problem towards you. And it's coming out in outbursts like that.

In any case, it's not really about you and what you did.

I would probably just not contact him and keep radio silence. He has had a tantrum and that's not your problem. When your DM comes back you can always contact her.

Thanks,

I have left him to it and he's not been in contact since. It's a shame really, I would have likely gone to see him today had this not happened.

I definitely won't ask my Mum and then go to my Dad saying 'Look! She knew!' or anything but I would like to know for my own peace of mind and what she said doesn't imply she was hearing it for the first time from me, anyway. I wonder if they'll have a discussion about it when she gets back. He's obviously already found out I've mentioned it hence the rant this afternoon so he must have spoken to her somehow.
I really don't think he should have spoken to me like that anyway, I don't rant and rave at people even when they have done something wrong, and yet I am the one he deems as childish.

Not trying to upset you OP, but your father sounds like a control freak and a bit of a bully to be honest.

He had this rant at me, I tried to defend myself to which he told me I was interrupting, carried on shouting

This just isn't on. If someone had a go at me like that I would be leaving them to their own devices until they apologized.

He still thinks of you as a child who he can tell off if he feels you have disobeyed him. You are not, you are an adult. Whether or not you should have mentioned it to your Mum is neither here nor there. The worst thing about this is he feels he has the right to talk to you like this.

I would make no effort to contact him but when your Mum gets back let her know that you feel he owes you an apology for the way he spoke to you.

I guess the trouble is that he is your Dad and habit makes it hard to stand up to him

Thanks 5foot5
I don't tink my Mum would be of much help to be honest. She just says things like 'Oh you know him he's always like that'....

Some people are very bad at understanding their emotions. Your dad is upset, he's grieving because his cousin died but he has decided this emotion is actually anger and it is your fault because you should have been able to guess he hadn't told your Mum. Not a lot you can do about it. Now's the time to shrug and forgive, no point raising the temperature any more, what will it achieve?

It's his cousin's husband not his cousin herself. Yes, I am not going to do anything else. Next time I contact him I'll be just normal. Maybe you're right gardengeek... I am close to my Mum, and I can ask her that however she's a very straight up person and I think she'd have probably acted differently when I mentioned it, was that the case.
I just feel very sorry for my Dad's cousin. They'd not had a great time of it as it was, prolonged illness (although he died of an undiagnosed one!), judgment on their marriage because of race/religion reasons.. They were a very close couple. So it does make me angry that my Dad's being like this when there are much larger things for concern.

I got the gist! :)

I think your dad should have made it clear this was news he was holding on to. He didn't.

Are you generally assumed to be psychic?

Next time I contact him I'll be just normal

Don't make the first contact though - let him do that.