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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My Dad's just rang and had a massive go at me

87 replies

SpikyCoconut · 07/05/2018 14:28

And I can't decide if Im in the wrong.

My Dad's came round to my house for a drink/Bbq on Saturday and told me his cousin's husband died last week. Quite upsetting news to me, I don't see my Dad's cousin often but I get on well with her always have, and I always liked her husband a lot too. We had a lovely dinner party with them a couple of months ago and although he'd been ill, the death was not expected at all.
Anyway my mum is on holiday at the moment (my parents are still married but she's away with other family) and I was talking to her on messenger yesterday and mentioned him just in the ' I didn't know (name) had died, how sad' sort of context. She replied something like 'I didn't know either Dad only found out the other day'.

My dad has now rang and had a huge shouty rant at me for telling my mum and can't I keep anything to myself and I'm always the same (I don't know if this is a valid thing at all, and I'm questioning what he means) and didn't I think to consider him first etc etc.

Very open to being told he was right to have a go at me. I didn't for one minute think he'd have told me (and my partner and friend who were there!) Before he told my mum (his wife!)either.
Wibu?

OP posts:
purlandvick · 07/05/2018 14:56

It sounds like your dad is treating u like a child . He wants to be one telling the news . I think he was out of order speaking to u like that . It also sounds like ur mum not upset at being told on holiday .

KeepServingTheDrinks · 07/05/2018 14:57

I think I'd text your dad saying 'sorry I upset you, and hope you're ok' or something along those lines.... A small apology and an acknowledgement of his feelings.

Original poster
SpikyCoconut · 07/05/2018 14:58

kurri you do make a good insightful point there, my dad is definitely like that with good news (my parents have argued about her mentioning something he wanted to reveal first several times that I can think of off the top of my head)!
I only live a few houses from my parents and I can hear him wielding a chainsaw at the moment so hopefully he'll get his anger out Wink . I do feel bad I've upset him though. :(

OP posts:
Pebblespony · 07/05/2018 14:58

Your father is BU.

IRefuseToAgree · 07/05/2018 14:59

I think your Dad was in the wrong.

TotHappy · 07/05/2018 15:00

Yeah, i cant see how it was more his news than yours - it was a distant family member of you both, and you told your mum, not a random. I think you would've been within your rights to tell anyone, tbh. I think he's been very unreasonable - but maybe it is the grief. I would probably leave it and say nothing for a day or two.

Nellyphants · 07/05/2018 15:04

Your dad is being weird. A person died, he doesn’t own that. I’d say to him sorry that you’re upset but I wouldn’t be tip toeing around him.

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 07/05/2018 15:05

I think your Dad was BU. If he did not want you to say anything to you DM he should have told you. I also think it sounds like he is treating you like a child & as he put the phone down on YOU, I don't think it is you who should be apologising.

Original poster
SpikyCoconut · 07/05/2018 15:06

I know my Mum and FWIW she really isn't the sort to let bad news upset her or affect a holiday or anything, otherwise it would be different. She's very pragmatic. I definitely wouldn't have mentioned it had I know she didn't know regardless, but I thought she must do.

OP posts:
Topseyt · 07/05/2018 15:06

Your Dad was being unreasonable here. If he didn't want you to say anything to your Mum then why on earth didn't he actually say that to you at the time?

That said, it is all academic if she already knew anyway

I'd text him and say "Don't be so utterly ridiculous and hurtful. She already knew about it".

Then leave him to stew.

Gemini69 · 07/05/2018 15:06

Does your Dad have a history of keeping secrets Hmm

Takfujuimoto · 07/05/2018 15:07

Does your father often try to find ways to make other family news all about him?

He sounds more odd with each post op.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 07/05/2018 15:11

You have become used to it but, honestly, your dad is a real Drama Llama, as the saying goes in these parts Smile

Let him cool down and then, when he next contacts you, keep on telling him you are no longer a child!

Missingstreetlife · 07/05/2018 15:12

Just let it simmer down. He's upset and a bit controlling. Don't give him any more ammunition, try not to be upset about it. Cut each other some slack, it's difficult time, support your cousin

jugglingsatsumas · 07/05/2018 15:13

Your dad is being ridiculous! You could of course show him this thread to prove that, but imagine how cross he would be knowing you've now told EVERYONE....

kateandme · 07/05/2018 15:15

reading and listening to your own thoughts hun id just try and put it aside.i don't think you can find a rationale in it.there are heightened emotions.his wife isn't with him.your his baby.he could be the "barer"
so many things at play here.
so try and see it as one big cloud.see it and let it go past.becasue othrthinking will only hurt you more I think.
grief.death.family.mix it up and you get love spits and burps all over the place!
play it by ear.but if he carries on and acts like nothing has happened let it be.he might no hes wrong or might not and just want to see if you can now carry on because the situation was wrong either way.
if it looks like it needs talking through because of tension in the air then just baby step it inward with sorry dad I didn't realise what I was doing was wrong you no I would mean to hurtyou guys so what happened etc.
but don't feel bad.it doesn't sound like you did bad.

uuuuunless of course you are as you mentioned someone who gossip/shares everything/too much and then this might have just been the straw that borke the back to him

NewPapaGuinea · 07/05/2018 15:16

Don’t get it. How did she know your Dad only found out the other day?

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/05/2018 15:17

Don't feel bad for upsetting your dad. He upset himself. It sounds as if he has form for wanting to be the bearer of news.

You do realise that you have an off button on your phone, don’t you?

Personally I wouldn’t apologise, that would be people pleasing. I assume that you gave him your condolences at the time and that should be enough. Perhaps he is upset about the death. However, why do you want to walk over hot coals for him when he’s the unreasonable one?

Original poster
SpikyCoconut · 07/05/2018 15:21

I don't get that either papanewguinea. Just reading through replies. My Mum's home in a couple of days and I'll ask her about it then.

OP posts:
HeedMove · 07/05/2018 15:21

Id honestly text my dad saying you are being completely ridiculous. Had you n let wanted mum to know whilst on holiday you should of made ME aware of that or else obviously id assume youd told your wife since you had told me. Whilst we are on the subject, mums reply was you had only known a few days, so what exactly is the issue considering she appeared to know anyway?

My dad treats me like an adult and whilst Im his daughter and respectful, if he treats me like that (he doesnt) id not be condoning his shit.

Italiangreyhound · 07/05/2018 15:25

"Very open to being told he was right to have a go at me. I didn't for one minute think he'd have told me (and my partner and friend who were there!) Before he told my mum (his wife!)either.
Wibu?"

Of course you are not in the wrong. Your dad is acting in a really strange manor and there is no excuse for him shouting at you.

I, too, would not for one minute think anyone would have told their daughter and her partner and friend of a family death before he told his own wife.

Unless your mum is very close to your dad's cousin I find it hard to believe it would spoil a holiday and if he had consciously not told her for that reason he should have also not told you or told you not to mention it. It is completely his completely at fault in my book!

"I was wrong to assume she knew." No, I'd say you were right to assume he would have told her, the fact he did not and yet told you is down to him.

"Maybe he's right about that though, I will endeavor to keep an eye on myself with sharing information."

To be honest I'd not start self censoring in a bid to be nice to everyone! I'd say to your dad to be very clear if information is confidential and if someone is not to be told. Or just not to bother sharing things with you. He sounds like a drama llama, your dad. Sorry for you.

Personally, I'd just say to your dad, I am sorry for your loss, and I am sorry you are upset with me, and then leave it, next time he tells you something check whether it is common knowledge. If he does bring it up again I would say that the way he is treating you is not fair. You are an adult, not a baby. The news of a death is not some sort if national secret and if he wanted it kept quiet he should have told you.

Italiangreyhound · 07/05/2018 15:28

@GreenTulips "You see I have a DD who would do what you did, because she's very open and puts her foot in it - a lot" I am quite amazed you think the OP put her foot in it. How does your daughter put her foot in it? (You do not need to reply if you do not want to, of course!).

Italiangreyhound · 07/05/2018 15:30

OP I shared the news of a pregnancy, with the very best of intentions, and, very sadly, the pregnancy ended in a miscarriage.

I honestly did say something for the best of intentions but that was a situation where I put my food in it, recognized that and have never done so again. Your situation is no where like mine!

Aylarose · 07/05/2018 15:30

How odd. He might have been refraining from telling your Mum while she was on holiday but still it's a bit strange for him to be so angry about that.

If this is out of character then perhaps he's been drinking, has recently fallen out with your Mum or is struggling with grief (doubtful) or has some medical issue, which is making him angry.

Brush it off and focus on something else! If I were you and I apologised I would be tempted to say that I thought Mum knew and that I feel hurt by his comments that I can never keep anything to myself. Also that reason for that is that I thought that we were quite an open family who shared things with each other. Or I'd be tempted to tell him to get lost but that's probably not a very mature approach!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 07/05/2018 15:33

Maybe he too told your mum whilst she was on holiday. So she didn't know the day it happened but when your dad found out, a few days ago, he told her!

Whatever, he is being unreasonable and you don't have to feel guilty about anything!

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