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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FaceTiming every day while DH travels

100 replies

geekymommy · 04/05/2018 21:12

My DH sometimes travels for his work, including to different time zones (we're American). We've got two kids, DD who will be 6 in August and DS who will be 3 in July.

When DH travels, he insists on FaceTiming with the kids every day. DD doesn't like this. I don't really like it either- finding a time to FaceTime with him significantly adds to the already significant stress of dealing with the kids by myself when he's gone. It's especially difficult to schedule when he travels to a different time zone or when DD has activities after school.

I don't think we need to FaceTime every day- kids had parents who traveled before Skype and FaceTime existed, and their relationships with their parents survived the trips. Even a voice call instead of FaceTime would be less stressful, but that's not good enough for him. (I often miss the days before video calls existed)

Who's being U- him for wanting to be sure to FaceTime every day, or me for thinking that's not necessary and is adding to my stress when he travels, so we shouldn't do it?

OP posts:
FrozenMargarita17 · 04/05/2018 21:13

I think it's sort of nice he wants to keep in touch with you all while he's away. But I do understand the worry about fitting it in!

lilcolibri · 04/05/2018 21:15

Wow, YABU

fascinated · 04/05/2018 21:16

I understand you

midnightmisssuki · 04/05/2018 21:16

I don’t know - we ft daily when my husband travels - we are in the UK and he travels to Asia for work, he likes seeing the kids before bed etc and he’s usually away for 1-2 weeks. My children are 4 and 1.5.

halfwitpicker · 04/05/2018 21:16

I agree op

Sparrowlegs248 · 04/05/2018 21:18

Yanbu . It's nice that he wants to make contact daily but it's not practical at all. It would annoy me especially if it was in the evening

Hazandduck · 04/05/2018 21:19

If you had to go away, would you want to be able to FT your little ones? I think it’s sweet that he evidently misses you all, and is probably hard for him being away from his family.

Original poster
geekymommy · 04/05/2018 21:19

I work full-time (there is no part-time work in my field), and the kids are young and have to get to bed early, so there really isn't a lot of time on weekdays when they're with me and awake. This is especially true if DD has swimming or tee-ball after school.

OP posts:
Fruitcorner123 · 04/05/2018 21:19

I think YABU. You're his family and he loves you. The inconvenience will be nothing compared to how much he is missing you. He probably looks forward to that moment every day.

speakout · 04/05/2018 21:19

Your DD doesn't like it.
That's reason enough to stop. It sounds like this facetime is for his benefit rather than hers.

Which is creepy.

I would simply stop it. If he asks tell him that DD prefers not to face time every day.
A decent father will accept this.
If he doesn't accept it then he is not doing the right thing.
Ask him to stop.
If he doesn't then switch off the phone when you know he will call.

Your DDs feelings should not be subjugated to fulfill the needs of a man.
This is a valuable lesson in respecting your DDs feelings.

Needmorehands · 04/05/2018 21:20

Its a tricky one, its lovely of him to want to see the kids, but if you're like me when my DH is working away then I fb photos of them frequently to him.
My DH likes to facetime the kids but I personally hate video calls! We struggle like you to find time between meals and clubs/activities and bedtime, especially as yours are quite young still. We compromise and the kids like me to call him when they've finished evening meal and we're sitting at the table with my mobile on speaker phone in the middle of teh table, or if we're driving to swimming classes or wherever and they can all talk while I drive.

Do you know why your DD doesn't like to facetime her dad? some times it is easier for kids to go see you on Friday daddy, and not be reminded of him constantly

SmashedMug · 04/05/2018 21:22

Yabu. Wouldn't you miss them if you were away?

MrsCipo · 04/05/2018 21:24

YANBU, we both travel occasionally for work and tbh it's hard work managing a videocall with kids. The kids aren't focussed, you've got a lot else to do, time differences make it hard to fit in, the internet connectivity is bad, it's not a particularly natural way to have everyday family interaction... I'm away right now and have only skyped once this week. I'm def with you

Herculesfan · 04/05/2018 21:25

Can you agree that it happened everyday at say 6 o clock your time and then whatever his time zone he makes that happen?

adaline · 04/05/2018 21:25

YANBU.

It's a nice idea but it's not really that practical or necessary. My parents travelled with work, or took me to see family without the other when I was younger, and I never had daily contact with the other parent. Once every 2-3 days was enough.

SmashedMug it's not about whether he misses them. DD doesn't want to face-time everyday and I think her wants trump her fathers' in this respect.

headintheproverbial · 04/05/2018 21:25

I agree with you. It's a total PITA for you, the person juggling everything in his absence.

Wisdens · 04/05/2018 21:26

Which is creepy.

Chap wants to talk and FaceTime his kids and that’s creepy? Dear god.

In a few years time the OP will be wondering why the husband doesn’t have a close relationship with the kids. Oh yeah, that’s right, because he was held at arms length.

JuliaRobbers · 04/05/2018 21:29

Not a fan of video calls at all - even when it's just me. Yanbu!

Bibidy · 04/05/2018 21:29

I get your annoyance when you're trying to wrestle with the kids alone, but couldn't you give him a time to facetime that suits you instead?

Surely whatever timezone he's in he could call you at, say, 4pm your time...after school but before dinnner?

I think it's sweet that he wants to Facetime but equally he could be more considerate of the routine you're trying to maintain.

Original poster
geekymommy · 04/05/2018 21:30

DD doesn't like it mostly because we make her turn off the TV and put away her books while we do it. She'd rather be watching TV or reading. I sympathize, especially on the "rather be reading" issue, but we don't really like it that she'd rather be watching TV than talking to Daddy.

DD doesn't always like to talk when someone asks her a question. She'll talk a lot when we're not directly asking her questions, so it's not shyness, but she clams up when we ask her something like how her day was at school (we weren't expecting this for several more years). This obviously makes it hard for DH when he has to have one short conversation with her during the day.

I dislike video calls. I would rather do a voice call, because then I could be doing other things while we talked (like getting dinner ready), rather than trying to get the kids on camera.

OP posts:
thetriangleisarealinstrument · 04/05/2018 21:30

YANBU you say your DD does not like it.
He should not put his needs above his daughters. Its not like you are suggesting he doesnt face time at all... just not EVERY day.
Surely every other day would be fine?
Hes not going to get much out of it anyway if your daughter is pissed off by it... its not exactly going to be quality time with her in that case is it?

I really disagree asking someone not to call every single day is 'holding them at arms length'
Id go up the wall if my husband called me every bloody day whilst he or I were away.

Granted the longest ive been away from him was a couple of weeks with our son visiting family. He certainly did not ring every single day. Hed text every day and often ring but didnt go on about it if I and our son werent available at the time he chose or it was too difficult to arrange.

adaline · 04/05/2018 21:31

In a few years time the OP will be wondering why the husband doesn’t have a close relationship with the kids. Oh yeah, that’s right, because he was held at arms length.

Jeez, talk about melodramatic!

He wants to speak to his kids, which is fine, but he has to get that it's not always practical and will be interrupting the evening routine. OP works full-time and has two young children to look after - it must be hectic enough as it is without trying to incorporate daily FaceTime sessions.

I also think at 3 and 6, they might find it more upsetting than anything else.

MarthasGinYard · 04/05/2018 21:31

Yanbu Op

My Dp is away quite a lot and the face time thing with dd is so irritating.
Certainly no need for everyday

greenlynx · 04/05/2018 21:33

It's nice that he's missing you. When my DH is away, it's often tricky to contact during the day so he leaves us (DD and me) morning message, just 1-2 minutes and then we sent him a message as well. He tries to call when possible late afternoon/evening but it's very quick, no more than 5 minutes.
I wonder why your DD doesn't like it? Is I because he's asking her lots of questions or telling her to look after her little brother? Is it too long and boring because he's talking with you and they're just sitting? Is it because you are nervous/ stressed about this and she's picking it up?

andadietcoke · 04/05/2018 21:34

I worked away from home Monday to Thursday for two years. I would FT the DTs once normally during that period. Do what works for you as well as him. The reason I did it so infrequently was because it was awkward for whoever was looking after them, and I was often still at work before they went to bed. Getting twins ready for nursery in the morning was stressful enough without me being involved remotely.