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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FaceTiming every day while DH travels

100 replies

geekymommy · 04/05/2018 21:12

My DH sometimes travels for his work, including to different time zones (we're American). We've got two kids, DD who will be 6 in August and DS who will be 3 in July.

When DH travels, he insists on FaceTiming with the kids every day. DD doesn't like this. I don't really like it either- finding a time to FaceTime with him significantly adds to the already significant stress of dealing with the kids by myself when he's gone. It's especially difficult to schedule when he travels to a different time zone or when DD has activities after school.

I don't think we need to FaceTime every day- kids had parents who traveled before Skype and FaceTime existed, and their relationships with their parents survived the trips. Even a voice call instead of FaceTime would be less stressful, but that's not good enough for him. (I often miss the days before video calls existed)

Who's being U- him for wanting to be sure to FaceTime every day, or me for thinking that's not necessary and is adding to my stress when he travels, so we shouldn't do it?

OP posts:
LittleDittyAbout · 04/05/2018 21:35

You might get more understanding from single parents OP. I used to find it infuriating. Why does he get to demand we all drop everything and sit looking at him? I would recommend handing the phone to the kids and going off doing something else. They'll drop it or start avoiding it. Either way, it stops it being your job.

Original poster
geekymommy · 04/05/2018 21:37

If DD does dislike it because I'm stressed, it's a vicious cycle. I'm stressed partly because I know she doesn't like it.

I think she mostly doesn't like being asked questions about her day at school, and not being able to read or watch TV. I don't want her to always choose reading or watching TV over talking to people, though.

OP posts:
OlennasWimple · 04/05/2018 21:38

If he asks tell him that DD prefers not to face time every day

I'd be really upset if DH said this to me

OP, YANBU. DH travels a lot for work too, and what we have found is that we try for a call at about 7pm our time but on the understanding that it might be inconvenient for us (sports practice, other after school stuff) or him (work / travel stuff). Sometimes it's a couple of days between calls.

We do, though, make sure that if one of the DC is really missing DH we try hard to make the call happen that night. Same if they have done something particularly exciting that day or have news to share. I text DH during the day to let him know if this is the case.

And sometimes I have to - gently! - remind him that him being away is upsetting to the DC's routine, and it's me who has to manage that. DH misses them and enjoys speaking to them, but doesn't always understand that although they are pleased to speak to him it doesn't follow that everything is rosy afterwards.

OlennasWimple · 04/05/2018 21:42

Oh, and DH has learnt that sometimes the most he will get from the DC is one word answers and he can't take offence that that or get upset by it. They are tired, skype is artificial, sometimes they just need to relax and not be subject to (what feels like) the third degree!

AmazingPostVoices · 04/05/2018 21:42

*It sounds like this facetime is for his benefit rather than hers.

Which is creepy.*

Speak what on Earth is “creepy” about a Dad wanting to see his child because he misses them?

My DH travels, we try to FaceTime every day for just five minutes if we can at all manage it with time zones.

DH misses them terribly when he’s away.

TBH I feel that at 6 she’s old enough to be asked to do something selfless because it makes another person happy. Switching off the TV for a few minutes to speak to her Daddy is not unreasonable.

Keep them very short. Don’t make your DD carry the conversation.

He needs to be telling her what he did today or asking her something easy about her activities etc.

It shouldn’t be stressful, it’s just your DH.

greenlynx · 04/05/2018 21:42

Just saw your update. Your DD has a reason for not doing this! Could he phone every day but they will sort of wave and smile and that's it? Or leave him a message "Hello Daddy, we are ok, love you, etc"

tictoc76 · 04/05/2018 21:43

When I travelled for work my husband used to record a video with the kids at a convenient time for them and send it to me. I then recorded a response each day and he could show it to them when they woke up. Meant we ‘saw’ each other every day but he didnt have to stress about fitting it in around school and the chaos of home without me to organise him 😂. At weekends we’d find a time to FaceTime but during the week it was just too hard for him and completely understand that.

SilverHoney · 04/05/2018 21:43

DH is away in the armed forces and sorry but I think YABU. I get the DD isn’t always keen, so change how you do it. Don’t try to force her to sit down and chat. When DH calls I just turn the camera round and he watches them play, says hi, comments on what they’re doing. Something they chat more, sometimes less.

Put yourself in his shoes. How would you feel if someone told you you couldn’t see / speak to your kids everyday because they couldn’t be bothered?

Igottastartthinkingbee · 04/05/2018 21:45

OP my DH is often away with work (but usually in this country). He FaceTimes 50% of the time I’d say. Mostly DS (6) and DD (3.5) want to talk to him (but often not for longer than a couple of minutes). I don’t make them sit and talk to him if they’re busy doing something else. But I always tell them he’s on though so they usually drop what they’re doing. The only time I said no to FaceTime was when DD was younger. She just didn’t understand why daddy was on the iPad but not at home. She’d just get upset so he was better out of sight out of mind. Not nice for him but much fairer on her (and me!).

I get it’s irritating but at the same time I get that he wants to talk to them. Daily would be a bit much, depends how long he’s away for and what time he calls I guess.

adaline · 04/05/2018 21:47

So he's FaceTiming at a time where it interrupts your DD"s downtime? No wonder she doesn't want to speak to him. A parents' desire to talk to their children isn't more important than their book or TV show.

Maybe you should ring him, at a time that suits YOU? So just before bed, when all screens are off, before you do the bedtime routine? Or just before dinner? I don't think he can expect to ring and speak to you all just because he happens to be free.

My dad often took me on holiday without my mum (and vice versa) and we'd get a phone card and use a payphone! If my mum wasn't home, we left a message and then carried on with our day. Of course I missed her but I think speaking to her everyday and that expectation of it would have been a bit overwhelming tbh.

Singlebutmarried · 04/05/2018 21:48

My DH travels a lot mom-fri, was Home less than 10 weeks last year.

He likes to FT DD, she’s not always compliant, but he understands that she might just say hi and then run off.

She does however like to call him before school in the mornings to say hello.

Have you asked your DD what she’d like to do to keep in touch with daddy?

By the way I don’t think YABU

OrchidInTheSun · 04/05/2018 21:48

But SilverHoney that isn't what the OP's DH wants. He wants to chat to his kids and we all know that sometimes they're just not that interested.

When I travel, sometimes the kids are not interested in talking to me. That's fine. If they don't want to skype/talk to me then I respect that.

If that doesn't fit his schedule then that's just the way it is.

Ginger1982 · 04/05/2018 21:48

Can't you talk to him and the kids could wave in the background? I think it's good that he wants to keep in touch with them and still be a part of their lives even though he is away.

As for your DD's feelings being subjugated by a man as speak said...FFS...🙄

speakout · 04/05/2018 21:50

Yes it's creepy.

Why would you want to force a conversation on a 6 year old like that?

And yes it may be upsetting for him to know that she doesn;t want to talk to him every day- but surely that is better than him knowing that she is forced into engaging with him.

Fishcalledlola · 04/05/2018 21:50

Could he ring at bedtime and read their story. At least then they would look forward to being tucked up in bed and not being asked about their day.
I would be sad if my kids didn't enjoy seeing their Dad.

Aridane · 04/05/2018 21:51

Wow

Ansumpasty · 04/05/2018 21:52

YABU. My husband travels and doesn’t Facetime. I wish he would as it means a lot to the kids!
People deal with being away from their kids differently. He wants to still feel connected and involved in their daily lives. How would you feel the other way around. He sounds like a good dad. Would you rather he didn’t care?
Try and FaceTime when you are driving somewhere in the car. That way, everyone can talk, nobody fights over holding the phone and it’s killing two birds with one stone, so to speak

Ginger1982 · 04/05/2018 21:54

Why is it creepy speak? You're making it sound like there is something dirty behind it 🙄

Duck90 · 04/05/2018 21:55

I think I can understand. Life Goes on, when he is away. He will have spare time in the evening, sitting in hotel rooms (I’m assuming). It lovely he wants to speak to the kids, but he needs to realise that it’s not always possible.

UmmKultum · 04/05/2018 21:55

Below the age of 9/10 my kids have never wanted to Skype when I've been away. Some kids are like that, its also a coping mechanism.

He has to respect this and just make up with quality time when hes back. That will be far more meaningful for young kids. I always used to work like crazy when away so i could have more time when home.

zzzzz · 04/05/2018 21:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HundredMilesAnHour · 04/05/2018 21:56

A parents' desire to talk to their children isn't more important than their book or TV show.

Are you for real??!!

Bibidy · 04/05/2018 21:57

I can't believe people are saying it's creepy that a parent wants to talk to their child every day?!

My DP calls his kids every day (they don't live with him), sometimes they chat, sometimes they don't...he calls because, yes, he wants to talk to them, but also because he wants them to know that he is thinking of them, and give them the chance to tell him about their days. More often than not, SD4 doesn't want to talk, but she knows that she can if she wants to, and that's important.

OP for what it's worth, I know I would feel your frustration too. Have you spoken to him about how it's not ideal for the routine at home? He may just not have considered it.

sonjadog · 04/05/2018 21:58

How long does the FaceTime go on for? Maybe you could cut down the time? I travel a lot and I have on numerous occasions been sitting in airport cafes close to people who are face-timing their kids. It is noticeable that the kids are really enthusiastic at first, but after about ten minutes they want to go do other stuff while the parent who is traveling, and who is bored in an airport, wants to keep them talking. The conversations always seem to go a bit sour by the end. I can see why kids would get fed up with them every day...

KreigersClones · 04/05/2018 21:59

I mean, it would be fine if it were once a week, but it’s everyday.
Kids are at school, then clubs, so the small bit of time she has between bed, when she wants to read a bit (ie her only bit of downtime) she has to spend FaceTiming, and presumably being made to feel bad that she doesn’t want to. She’d probably be more enthusiastic if it were more spontaneous and less of a chore. I’d be annoyed too, not gonna lie.