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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

FaceTiming every day while DH travels

100 replies

geekymommy · 04/05/2018 21:12

My DH sometimes travels for his work, including to different time zones (we're American). We've got two kids, DD who will be 6 in August and DS who will be 3 in July.

When DH travels, he insists on FaceTiming with the kids every day. DD doesn't like this. I don't really like it either- finding a time to FaceTime with him significantly adds to the already significant stress of dealing with the kids by myself when he's gone. It's especially difficult to schedule when he travels to a different time zone or when DD has activities after school.

I don't think we need to FaceTime every day- kids had parents who traveled before Skype and FaceTime existed, and their relationships with their parents survived the trips. Even a voice call instead of FaceTime would be less stressful, but that's not good enough for him. (I often miss the days before video calls existed)

Who's being U- him for wanting to be sure to FaceTime every day, or me for thinking that's not necessary and is adding to my stress when he travels, so we shouldn't do it?

OP posts:

RainbowBriteRules · 04/05/2018 23:00

YANBU. That would drive me mad and I would find it so unhelpful when busy looking after two children.

QueenDoris · 04/05/2018 23:01

This is terrible. How dare a father attempt to have a close relationship with his children. Fathers should be remote figures who occasionally peer over the top of their Daily Telegraph to admonish the children for some infraction.

RainbowBriteRules · 04/05/2018 23:05

But it’s not a close relationship if the kids are stressed out by the whole thing. FaceTime can be strange for children.

It’s also certainly not the way for a closer relationship with his wife if he can’t recognise that she is very busy and he is making things more stressful.

Although I do like the idea of DD reading to him if she would do that as that might actually help you out OP.

adaline · 04/05/2018 23:16

How is it a close relationship when the child is clearly uncomfortable and doesn't want to talk on demand every day?

Fruitcorner123 · 04/05/2018 23:19

But maybe the reason the 6 year old doesn't want to chat is because her dad works away a lot and she isn't close to him? Sad that there cant be some solution that isn't simply to stop facetiming.

InspMorse · 04/05/2018 23:19

Your DD 'prefers to read or watch tv' ?? Well yes, a lot of children do think the world revolves around them.
I'd probably start by teaching her some manners. I was often called to the phone to talk to Grandparents when I was young and I when I was in the middle of something.
Her Dad loves her and wants to talk to her & see her. It can be short & sweet & you could prop up the phone or iPad so that he can see you & talk to you all whilst you have dinner for example.
Think of ways to make it less intense rather than cutting him out. That's just horrible.
I'd be pleased if I were in your position. At least he's not too busy to talk out on the town with colleagues or working.

ICantFindAFreeNickName2 · 04/05/2018 23:22

My dp has often worked away whilst our children were growing up. When he was in a similar time zone he would call in the morning very quickly just to say 'Good morning, have a nice day', then in the evening, sometimes he got several minutes of chat from our dd other times just a quick 'hello, goodnight'. Now she is older we have a WhatsApp group & all message at various times. He still calls most nights but he understands if she's too busy to chat.

He has just started to use face time sometimes, but I don't really like it. I find its odd as there is a bit of a delay. My dd claims its because I can't Mumsnet whilst talking to him about his day !
Could your dd text him a message sometimes, it might make her feel grown up and could help with her spelling.

pallisers · 04/05/2018 23:32

I don't think you are being unreasonable OP. And I suspect many people who are saying "wow" are imagining a one-off situation - not multiple work trips on a regular basis.

My husband also travels a lot for work. I worked full-time and tbh if I had to facilitate a facetime when dh wanted it I'd have exploded when he was away. The hard thing is that when someone travels for work life goes on for those at home - same routines, same everything. Same work to do and same dinner to make and eat, same homework to do, same downtime needed by everyone. You can't be expected to stop everything to make him feel better on a conference break.

I also travelled a bit for work - never expected my kids to stop everything to chat to me. And I think it terribly unfair that people have
blamed the 6 year old for wanting to go about her usual routine. 6 year olds aren't good on the phone. They usually need an adult to facilitate the conversation on their end - really unfair on OP. Maybe your dh could do what mine did - send postcards to his kids or text messages or emails.

How is it a close relationship when the child is clearly uncomfortable and doesn't want to talk on demand every day?

Seriously? My kids are really close to their dad but had/have zero interest in facetiming him while he was away - a quick "hi dad love you" is fine. Same when I was away for a few days. You don't want your children to think of you of the uncle from Australia everyone has to say hello to and do a bit of enforced chat on the phone every christmas - except it is every day.

pallisers · 04/05/2018 23:37

just thinking - maybe I took that

How is it a close relationship when the child is clearly uncomfortable and doesn't want to talk on demand every day?

up the wrong way and poster was really saying what I am - if so apologies

Aria2015 · 04/05/2018 23:39

I sort of know where your coming from but I had to go away with work and I wanted to see my lo everyday so facetimed. I would have been upset not to but I suppose I wouldn't if it upset / unsettled my lo because I'd have to put him before me. But if it was just because my dh couldn't find the time then I'd have been put out because I really missed them both.

OreoMini · 04/05/2018 23:41

Yanbu, I’d hate this every day.

adaline · 05/05/2018 07:42

I was saying the same thing as you @pallisers

gameNight · 05/05/2018 07:54

I don't think it's creepy (only a complete moron would think so) and I think that as he's making sacrifices to be away - I assume the money he earns supports the family - it's a small sacrifice for your daughter to turn the TV off and talk to him for a minute or two or for you to find the time.

It's this kind of entitlement being taught to children that's seriously fucking society;

"no, you don't have to talk to your Daddy because you want to watch cartoons and what you want is the only thing that matters"

At 6 years old, it isn't too much pressure to tell a child that them doing something will make someone happy. You're talking about a chat with their Daddy, not acing an exam.

When DH or I travel (probably only 10-12 nights a year for 2-3 days at a time) for work, we video call most nights. If it's impossible then we send videos. Our children love it. On the odd occasion they haven't had a reply before their bed time, the first thing they want to do is see the video.

UmmKultum · 05/05/2018 15:18

Some children find it difficult to speak to absent parents. Sometimes this is their way of handling the absence. It's not just a question of being 'entitled'.

Topsyntimsmumdrivesmetogin · 05/05/2018 15:34

My other half face times on his lunch break to DD 😂
He doesn't even work away !

NotExactlyHappyToHelp · 05/05/2018 15:41

YANBU. I found daily FaceTime calls would make DS miss his Dad more. Sometimes out of sight out of mind can be better to help small children dealing with parents working away.

What helped us was when DP FaceTimed he’d always chat about what he was up to. He used to give DS a little tour of his hotel room and the view outside. It made DS feel like he didn’t have to be the starring role in the conversation. He also used to record himself reading the bedtime story and I’d play that to DS at night just before bed.

I used to give DS my phone and let him make silly little videos. Making faces at the camera, singing songs etc and send them to DP.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/05/2018 16:26

gameNight
Your kids enjoy it. But that’s you and your kids. It isn’t about what ops dd being the only one that matters. It’s understanding that enforcing FaceTime everyday is actually counterproductive to the loving relationship a father wishes to have with his daughter and to find a mutually satisfactory solution.

OrchidInTheSun · 05/05/2018 16:32

Sacrifices to be away? Good grief. I travel for work. I bloody love flying business class, staying in nice hotels and eating good food paid for by someone else

If my kids don't want to talk to me, then fine. I sometimes just say hello

Pengggwn · 05/05/2018 16:32

Creepy? I've heard it all now.

HermesAndPinot · 05/05/2018 16:40

I hate FaceTime.

YANBU

Rainbunny · 05/05/2018 17:03

YADNBU! Sure it's a lovely idea to facetime with the kids but in reality he's holding you and your kids daily routines hostage! You all have to be ready to talk no matter what you're doing at that point, just because he's free to talk at that moment. I don't think your DH appreciates this point, I'm sure he thinks you're all delighted to be able to talk without considering the interruption and extra stress it's causing.

I also feel for your DD, as a child I hated being made to talk on the phone to adult relatives, it was awkward and uncomfortable and I was also a normally chatty child.

As for facetiming - I hate it! When my DH travels and either calls or facetimes me, it's amazing how quickly we run out of things to talk about and on facetime it's especially awkward! We talk all the time in person but when one of us is travelling I simply don't feel the need to be in constant contact, I do better with a few texts each day and an occasional phone call.

Twogoround · 05/05/2018 17:08

Why does not daddy read a story at bedtime face time .
FaceTime at meal times when daddy can join in with the chat he either eat with you or has a drink .
Asking what you are eating is eaypstpy to anwers .

CandiedPeach · 05/05/2018 17:15

How long is he expecting to FaceTime for? He’s my ex now, but when DD’s Dad worked away he’d FaceTime to say goodnight to her, but that was literally it. I’d get her settled in bed, story read and then we’d facetime him to say goodnight.
Now we aren’t together if he’s working away and can’t see her on his week nights he’ll FaceTime and he will chat a little more to her but it’s a couple of minutes max and that would only be 2 times a week.

Phineyj · 05/05/2018 17:21

I think YANBU - FaceTime/Skype are most annoying communication methods. Everyone always ends up shouting and wandering in and out of shot and if it involves more than two people, conversations are fractured and random. I can't imagine anything more annoying to have to facilitate daily given the time zone differences.

I like posters' suggestions of asking your DH to record a video message. He could also get a book of poems for kids or short stories and record those (he could do a bunch at once when he has time on his hands such as in the airport).

My PIL decided to Skype us once a week on a Monday evening after work to talk to toddler DD. I would run around sorting out dinner, school uniform, unpacking shopping, trying to hustle DD into bed etc. It was such a killer at the beginning of the week. I got them to change to a different day. It hadn't even occurred to them that people might not want to have an extended video call on Monday night after work in the approx 1 hour they have to get everything done! They used to say 'oh but where is Phineyj?' as I ran around!

duvetdaysforme · 05/05/2018 17:22

We're now apart as I'm back in my home country for the birth of our second son. Video call quality is poor so we're just making videos and sending to each other every few days. It's working well!

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