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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

FaceTiming every day while DH travels

100 replies

geekymommy · 04/05/2018 21:12

My DH sometimes travels for his work, including to different time zones (we're American). We've got two kids, DD who will be 6 in August and DS who will be 3 in July.

When DH travels, he insists on FaceTiming with the kids every day. DD doesn't like this. I don't really like it either- finding a time to FaceTime with him significantly adds to the already significant stress of dealing with the kids by myself when he's gone. It's especially difficult to schedule when he travels to a different time zone or when DD has activities after school.

I don't think we need to FaceTime every day- kids had parents who traveled before Skype and FaceTime existed, and their relationships with their parents survived the trips. Even a voice call instead of FaceTime would be less stressful, but that's not good enough for him. (I often miss the days before video calls existed)

Who's being U- him for wanting to be sure to FaceTime every day, or me for thinking that's not necessary and is adding to my stress when he travels, so we shouldn't do it?

OP posts:

plumpie79 · 04/05/2018 22:01

I work away quite a lot and we don't whatsapp/FT every day. It's hard to time it when you're in different time zones and DD1 got upset about it for quite a long time.

I will try if I can but also don't mind if DP doesn't pick up because he's mid bath or story or whatever. I would rather keep things easy for him and the kids than make it all about be.

YANBU. Does he ever have them on his own for a few days? he might get how finely balanced early evenings are if so.

WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam · 04/05/2018 22:03

I wonder if the easiest way to compromise would be for you set it up so that you have a laptop, iPad or your phone in the kitchen while you're doing something else, possibly dinner time? Propped on a table. So that he can spend some time feeling like he's part of the normal routine without you having to drop everything. I know I'd feel pretty claustrophobic having to do a daily video call with someone, corral the kids etc. If I were busy.

And maybe let him know gently that the kids don't always want to drop what they're doing so you'll stick the cam on each day at a certain time for anyone who wants to show up to say hello but drop the pressure to make it a full on video call?

It should be fine with modern phones and tablets to be able to speak from across a normal sized room to each other, we sit and do it sometimes with OH's sis and her partner, while the guys are playing a game together over the PlayStation and me and his sister are sat chilling. All four of us can sit and talk easily at a normal volume and be heard.

fearfultrill · 04/05/2018 22:03

@speakout 'creepy', what is wrong with you?! He wants to talk to and see his daughter while he's away.

Would it be creepy if a mother wanted to do the same with her child?

adaline · 04/05/2018 22:03

A parents' desire to talk to their children isn't more important than their book or TV show.

Are you for real??!!

Yes, completely. If I was busy doing something, and someone FaceTimed me, I would (as an adult) have the ability to ignore it. But DD doesn't have that option - her dad rings and she has to drop whatever she's doing to speak to him? Sounds a bit unfair to me.

Original poster

geekymommy · 04/05/2018 22:04

One problem is, he's often in a different time zone than we are. We live in the Eastern time zone (British time -5 hours). He often travels to the west coast (British time -8 hours). If he's at a conference, he has to time the call to a time when he's got a break, as the working day doesn't end there until 8 pm our time (sometimes later, if they have a conference dinner). 8 pm is the kids' bedtime, so FaceTiming after that won't work.

We have the problem of his wanting the conversation to go on longer than we do. He's bored on break at his conference or in the airport, but we've got other stuff we can do at home.

Dinner time is often a little stressful, because everybody's tired on our end and DD is a picky eater.

OP posts:

OhBuggerandArse · 04/05/2018 22:05

Coming up with chat 'to order' can be difficult for kids. But what we do in that situation is use Facetime (or just audio) to read a bed-time story - takes the pressure to come up with conversation off the kids (though it then does often arrive more naturally), makes the absent parent part of the bedtime routine so that the kids look forward to hearing from them, and actually helps rather than hinders the bed-time rush.

It can be really lovely if you can find a way to fit it in - we do it after they've done teeth and got into bed, and then they're in one place and ready to listen, and the parent at home can leave them to it, sneak off and finish the dishes/collapse in a heap/pour a gin.

adaline · 04/05/2018 22:07

Can he record a video message for her to watch when she wakes up in the morning? And she can respond with her own little video for daddy when she wants?

Doing it on her terms as opposed to his might make her less resistant.

WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam · 04/05/2018 22:10

He sounds quite lonely.

Is all of his interaction while he's away these FaceTime calls?

Do you ever manage to make time to talk just the two of you, either calling or via messenger? I wonder if feeling more connected with you might mean he feels less need to FaceTime with the kids every single day.

user1486076969 · 04/05/2018 22:10

Switch off the camera and say you can't work out why it's not on/must be a problem etc...than you can just talk

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/05/2018 22:10

I don’t see why you have to turn off the tv to face time. I would have thought just catching a glimpse of the kids and a hi at 3 and 6 would be enough for the, to deal with at their age. My dd didn’t really talk on the phone at 6. She listened for a few moments then went off and did her own thing. By forcing her to FaceTime, it will be counterproductive in the long run. Better to let the children grow into appreciating the experience when they’re older.

I was going to suggest sending your dh videos. A pp said about this and about sending ones in ones return. Far more sensible at this age.

zzzzz · 04/05/2018 22:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fruitcorner123 · 04/05/2018 22:14

He should not put his needs above his daughters

It's not about needs. He doesn't need to talk to his family and DD doesn't need to watch tv/read books. Why is there this attitude thag children's wants should always have priority over adults?

DD should be expected to put her desire to watch tv or read to one side for the sake of her dad. Can't you just explain to her that daddy misses her and it makes him happy to speak to her?. Also can't you tell him that she doesn't like talking about her day so please don't ask her.

As for the people sayings its creepy of him I despair! Next it will be abusive and she should LTB and DD should go NC

Luisa27 · 04/05/2018 22:18

@Speakout

Creepy??
What a very very odd thing to say

OP - I think it’s lovely that your DH wants to ft every day when he’s away - I do this too, and so does my DH if he’s away with work. Even if it’s just for 5 mins, it makes such a difference

CaledonianQueen · 04/05/2018 22:18

Can you get your kids to send your dh a video message in the morning/bedtime or when it most suits? They could tell him about their day- what they have planned/ have been doing and that they miss him. He could respond with a video message himself so that there is no need to find a time when you are busy. Can he call/ ft you when the kids are in bed?

My Dh used to work away on a schedule which swapped between days and nights and this is what we did. I found my dc hated talking to Daddy because they were missing him so much. It was better for them not to be reminded of him, or they would be in foul moods then end up crying because they missed Daddy.

It wasn't too bad earlier in the day but if they spoke to him at bedtime they would get upset and try to get out of talking to him.

mindutopia · 04/05/2018 22:18

I think it’s lovely to do occasionally while he’s away, especially if it’s a lengthy trip (more than a week). I have a 5 year old and I’ve travelled for work a few times a year since she was about 18 months. Sometimes it’s only for 3 days or so but can sometimes be a week to 10 days. I have never FaceTimed with her. Now that she’s older, I would if she asked to but not everyday. The time difference would make it hard anyway but also I’m happy just to let my dh get on with it. He’s busy enough without having to schedule a call in with me. I do think it’s nice though that he obviously means well by it even if it’s hard. Can you say you’ll do it every few days rather than every day?

Helmetbymidnight · 04/05/2018 22:19

Oof I'm now glad that when dh goes away, he just phoned whenever and says 'does anyone fancy a chat?' And If they say no, that's fine...

This sounds quite stressful op.

KreigersClones · 04/05/2018 22:20

DD should be expected to put her desire to watch tv or read to one side for the sake of her dad. Can't you just explain to her that daddy misses her and it makes him happy to speak to her?
Every so often, sure. Not everyday.
And please don’t do the whole emotional blackmail ‘daddy will be sad if you do’nt speak to him’ bullshit please OP. That’s literally a victim in the making.

adaline · 04/05/2018 22:20

Daily FaceTime is a lot to ask from a six year old. They don't "get" talking on the phone/video-calling like we do - it probably has no real interest at that age to be honest, even if it is mummy or daddy on the other end of the phone.

Maybe put it on so she can speak, but don't make her stop her activity completely. He can still see her and say hi, and she can respond if she wants, or not.

adaline · 04/05/2018 22:22

DD should be expected to put her desire to watch tv or read to one side for the sake of her dad. Can't you just explain to her that daddy misses her and it makes him happy to speak to her?

That is a HUGE amount of pressure to put on a small child. Please don't do do something like that to her - she's only six. If she doesn't want to talk to her dad, let her be. He can cope for a few days.

Thespringsthething · 04/05/2018 22:22

The point is, he's not able to be responsive to his dd's emotions or need to switch off and chill out and pick his moment. It then becomes a chore to speak with him rather than a pleasure. As an adult, if my husband calls at an inconvenient time, I just say 'call me later' but it seems here the dd can't say that and then has to be forced to engage every single evening when she's tired out and wants to switch off. It's not about politeness, if he was home, he presumably wouldn't just speak at a tired disengaged child, he'd leave it and do bedtime later on and get a cuddle then.

I've lived in this type of situation, and my husband would Skype the kids once or twice a week, not more otherwise it seems to exacerbate the 'missing Daddy' thing, plus I think the idea of showing them what he's up to rather than making them switch everything off in the middle of a show and pay him attention is a really good one.

It is tricky though, and not as straightforward as child always happy to see Dad, will drop anything day or night to interact.

mummabearfoyrbabybears · 04/05/2018 22:25

Completely agree. My husband works abroad and when he calls I can prop the phone while I do dinner at least but FaceTime stops an multi tasking. Does drive me potty some days

Fruitcorner123 · 04/05/2018 22:29

That is a HUGE amount of pressure to put on a small child

Are we talking about the 6 year old? I disagree. She literally just has to stop what she is doing and say hello to her daddy. Do you not think it's a bit ridiculous that we have created a culture where they are so wrapped up in cotton wool that asking them to do something kind for their daddy is seen as emotional abuse? We underestimate children and it does them no good.

If I am wrong and we are talking about the three year old I stand corrected but I think by 6 she can cope with this.

mellicauli · 04/05/2018 22:29

Travelling for business can be a very empty and sterile experience. In theory it should be fun but thats only if yiu are travelling with people on your wavelength! Otherwise it's a struggle to find common ground and you can't really be yourself. But you (understandably) feel put upon because it's all about what he wants / needs. So I guess you need to find a way that you feel less exhausted and feel that your needs are being met ( some extra help?), and a way that your daughter can connect with Daddy in a way she likes ( could he read her a story via FaceTime, for example or play a game online with her) rather than always FaceTime.. So everyone's needs are met.

Fruitcorner123 · 04/05/2018 22:39

I really like the idea of sending a video. We do that between our DC and my nephew who has moved away. That way you can record it when they are happy and having fun and you can play them his video at bedtime or another time when they might be missing him or find comfort in it. Seems like a perfect solution.

ferntwist · 04/05/2018 22:58

It’s lovely that he wants to be in touch so frequently but I can imagine it’s hard for DD to talk on demand like that.
Could this idea work - how about he reads her a bedtime story, or she reads daddy a story to practice her reading?

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