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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband was an arsehole to me last night wasn't he?

94 replies

BossyPaws · 04/05/2018 07:09

We're away for our anniversary.

Yesterday we got up at 3.30am for our flight. He managed to nap on the plane and again had a nap when we got to hotel. I didn't sleep at all yesterday. Plus I'm on quetiapine which knocks you out an hour or so after taking them.

Even so I managed to get out on a night out with him (drinking, cos that's all he ever wants to do) and a meal. It got to 9pm and I'm seriously starting to flag. But I kept my spirits up and tried to go on as long as possible. Idea was that due to our early morning flight we would have an early night yesterday and catch up on some intimacy as that has been seriously lacking lately - his choice, he never wants sex and has a variety of excuse (tires, kids can hear us, has had too much to drink etc etc).

But as he'd managed to nap, and then got a few drinks into him, he wanted to stay out getting hammered instead. I lasted until 10pm and then really couldn't stay out any longer, I was practically falling asleep in the bars.

He tends to be an arse hole when drunk at the best of times so I wasn't surprised when he started saying shit like "typical, away in holiday and you want an early night", "you're not enjoying your night out with me" "why you in a mood" etc etc ... none of which I reacted to.

We got to hotel and instead of going to room he wanted us to go to top of hotel to take photos. He got arsey when I said I was too tired so I went along with it to keep the peace. As he was drunk he kept taking the photo wrong and redoing it, my patience ran out so I just got back in lift and said I was going back to room. He put a face on and did his little boy sulking act of standing with his head down,muttering "oh ok, guess that's night over then, I see you hate me" etc etc ... again I didn't react.

Got back, got into bed, he put game of thrones on tv loudly. Then starts playing on the iPad. I think "ok, make the effort bossypaws" and suggest he comes to bed with me so we can enjoy a bit of "us time". He says "in a minute". Continues watching tv. Keeps iPad in hand.

Now we've not had sex for a long time. It's our anniversary ffs and I started to keep offended and frustrated that yet again, I was being rejected in favour of shit TV, iPhones/iPads and alcohol. I tried again to "seduce him" into giving me his attention (I know I shouldn't have bothered at this point but I'm fucking frustrated and desperate) and he goes off on one saying I'm clearly too tired for sex and didn't enjoy the night out and was in a mood - basically just trying to turn everything onto me. I thought as it's our anniversary I should try and keep the peace so went to give him a hug and tried to explain I was just upset that he never seems to wan intimacy. He pushed me away, told me to fuck of numerous times and said I was boring. He said I'd ruined the night by been in a mood all night (totally untrue) and made it clear that I didn't want to go out (again untrue). He carries on telling me to fuck off and calling me boring until I'm crying. Then he shags me.

It was shit as he hurt me. Probably not intentionally as he was drunk but I cant help thinking he was "angry shagging" if that makes sense?

I've woken up this mornings so fucking angry. I've had to beg my husband for sex and when he eventually decides to give in, its after swearing at me and insulting me.

He's woken up nice as pie as if nothing has happened. Happy fucking anniversary.

OP posts:
MyNameIsFartacus · 04/05/2018 07:12

Why on earth are you with this man? He sounds vile and controlling.

Ohyesiam · 04/05/2018 07:13

I only got half way through your post. This man is vile and is abusing you. You deserve so much better.
Please leave him.

BossyPaws · 04/05/2018 07:14

I asked myself that very same question as I went to sleep last night. Why the fuck am I still with him. He's clearly not into me anymore so why the fuck do I beg for his affection when he prefers alcohol and his iPad

OP posts:
user1457017537 · 04/05/2018 07:14

Call it a day things will only get worse. You deserve more

RandomMess · 04/05/2018 07:15

Please leave he's awful to you!!

RJnomore1 · 04/05/2018 07:16

I don't even know where to begin with this one.

Any redeeming features there at all?

Cos I've got petty, aggressive, selfish, immature manipulative arsehole with an alcohol issue so far?

LuluBellaBlue · 04/05/2018 07:18

My heart goes out to you reading this, listen to what people say on here and take strength from this.
You are worth so so so much more FlowersFlowersFlowers

Hiphopster · 04/05/2018 07:19

You deserve so much more OP Flowers

ScreamingValenta · 04/05/2018 07:19

yet again, I was being rejected in favour of shit TV, iPhones/iPads and alcohol

The 'yet again' says it all here. If he behaves like this regularly, and can't even control himself on your anniversary, I don't think there's much hope he will change.

BossyPaws · 04/05/2018 07:20

In the early days of our relationship I started bordering on alcoholism too. I have an addictive personality and as he drank so much, I did too and got very addicted to it. In the past year however I've pulled myself out of it, got addicted to health and fitness instead and now don't drink much. I still join him in drinking on nights outs etc but I don't get drunk like I used to. He hates this new me as it means he can't argue with me and pretend it was all my doing like he used to. Because now I REMEMBER everything and am not as easily manipulated into thinking it must have been my fault as I was drunk. He hates it, it's taken some of his control away.

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 04/05/2018 07:20

Holidays are a good make or break test. This relationship is broken. If this is typical of him you can not win. He sounds like a vile alcoholic.

ThinkOfAWittyNameLater · 04/05/2018 07:21

Good lord. You poor thing. He's an arsehole.

This is a really great opportunity for you to think about what you want for your own future.

Maybe this is a blessing in disguise? He's shown you what he's really like. Now work out how you want to proceed.

You deserve so much more.

BrutusMcDogface · 04/05/2018 07:22

Oh op, I'm so sorry. You've tried your best to make this work but he's not worth all the heartache. I suggest you make plans to split as soon as you get home. He has been horrible to you Flowers

MyOtherUsernameisaPun · 04/05/2018 07:22

He sounds just irredeemably awful.

Leaving aside the sex part (which might be solveable with understanding and support if it was the only issue here), his behaviour for the rest of the night was SO unacceptable. He sounds aggressive, rude, uncaring and inconsiderate.

If he's like this all the time OP I would honestly be asking if the relationship is worth the effort you're putting in. I hope you're ok ❤️

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 04/05/2018 07:22

If a friend were telling you this, what would you say to her? He sounds vile.

BossyPaws · 04/05/2018 07:23

We argue on every holiday we go on. He drinks heavily on every holiday we go on. Ffs he started drinking at 6am yesterday in the airport and later commented on how I was sat there with a coffee and it was like he was on his own little party. He does think I'm boring now, as he said last night.

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 04/05/2018 07:23

Your updates make it sound even worse. When do you leave for Home?

BrutusMcDogface · 04/05/2018 07:23

Bossy - just read your last update. He's sounding even worse.

ThinkOfAWittyNameLater · 04/05/2018 07:24

Just seen your update.

Good for you for taking a step back from alcohol. Interesting that you can see the games he is playing with you now.

Don't stay with him. He's only going to drag you down.

MissStegosaurus · 04/05/2018 07:24

He's abusive. Emotionally and sexually, id say. He used sex to punish you last night. You don't have to live like this you know.

ThinkOfAWittyNameLater · 04/05/2018 07:25

Boring because you don't drink?

Nope, he's boring if drinking is the only way he has fun!

Booboostwo · 04/05/2018 07:26

He is abusing you.

Angry sex that hurt and you did not enjoy - why is this not rape?

Fishface77 · 04/05/2018 07:26

LEAVe him op. He sounds horrible.
I don’t know if anyone else agrees but “drunk” shagging that hurts even with consent sounds like sexual assault to me!

LastOneDancing · 04/05/2018 07:26

Now more boring than an alcoholic though OP.

The angry shag thing has upset me on your behalf. He must've known he was hurting you, yet he did it anyway? Sex as a literal weapon? Unbearable.

Horsedogbird · 04/05/2018 07:27

I'm really sorry for you. He's treating you like shit.

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