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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband was an arsehole to me last night wasn't he?

94 replies

BossyPaws · 04/05/2018 07:09

We're away for our anniversary.

Yesterday we got up at 3.30am for our flight. He managed to nap on the plane and again had a nap when we got to hotel. I didn't sleep at all yesterday. Plus I'm on quetiapine which knocks you out an hour or so after taking them.

Even so I managed to get out on a night out with him (drinking, cos that's all he ever wants to do) and a meal. It got to 9pm and I'm seriously starting to flag. But I kept my spirits up and tried to go on as long as possible. Idea was that due to our early morning flight we would have an early night yesterday and catch up on some intimacy as that has been seriously lacking lately - his choice, he never wants sex and has a variety of excuse (tires, kids can hear us, has had too much to drink etc etc).

But as he'd managed to nap, and then got a few drinks into him, he wanted to stay out getting hammered instead. I lasted until 10pm and then really couldn't stay out any longer, I was practically falling asleep in the bars.

He tends to be an arse hole when drunk at the best of times so I wasn't surprised when he started saying shit like "typical, away in holiday and you want an early night", "you're not enjoying your night out with me" "why you in a mood" etc etc ... none of which I reacted to.

We got to hotel and instead of going to room he wanted us to go to top of hotel to take photos. He got arsey when I said I was too tired so I went along with it to keep the peace. As he was drunk he kept taking the photo wrong and redoing it, my patience ran out so I just got back in lift and said I was going back to room. He put a face on and did his little boy sulking act of standing with his head down,muttering "oh ok, guess that's night over then, I see you hate me" etc etc ... again I didn't react.

Got back, got into bed, he put game of thrones on tv loudly. Then starts playing on the iPad. I think "ok, make the effort bossypaws" and suggest he comes to bed with me so we can enjoy a bit of "us time". He says "in a minute". Continues watching tv. Keeps iPad in hand.

Now we've not had sex for a long time. It's our anniversary ffs and I started to keep offended and frustrated that yet again, I was being rejected in favour of shit TV, iPhones/iPads and alcohol. I tried again to "seduce him" into giving me his attention (I know I shouldn't have bothered at this point but I'm fucking frustrated and desperate) and he goes off on one saying I'm clearly too tired for sex and didn't enjoy the night out and was in a mood - basically just trying to turn everything onto me. I thought as it's our anniversary I should try and keep the peace so went to give him a hug and tried to explain I was just upset that he never seems to wan intimacy. He pushed me away, told me to fuck of numerous times and said I was boring. He said I'd ruined the night by been in a mood all night (totally untrue) and made it clear that I didn't want to go out (again untrue). He carries on telling me to fuck off and calling me boring until I'm crying. Then he shags me.

It was shit as he hurt me. Probably not intentionally as he was drunk but I cant help thinking he was "angry shagging" if that makes sense?

I've woken up this mornings so fucking angry. I've had to beg my husband for sex and when he eventually decides to give in, its after swearing at me and insulting me.

He's woken up nice as pie as if nothing has happened. Happy fucking anniversary.

OP posts:
DevilsDoorbell · 04/05/2018 08:08

What a shithead. Make that your last holiday, anniversary etc.

He’s the boring one, not you

Shoxfordian · 04/05/2018 08:09

Just copy and paste those divorce papers and get rid of him as soon as you can

maymai · 04/05/2018 08:09

Oh god I've read that and I'm so upset for you. Please try to get out of this relationship it's so unhealthy and you deserve better.

blackbirdsbeak · 04/05/2018 08:10

Angry sex, I imagine that you are feeling worthless at this point. See a solicitor and get your ducks in a row. He obviously has major problems, Sometimes it best just to let it go and walk away.

category12 · 04/05/2018 08:10

I hope you start making plans to leave.

Tinkobell · 04/05/2018 08:11

Your DH sounds like he has an entrenched drinking problem. What about your kids? People with booze issues are a bit dangerous actually. TBH your anniversary treat sounds like the least of your problems to me. There's not a lot of love in your relationship by the sound of things.

I'd consider counselling like Relate, I'd also ask him if he thinks he has a drink problem. If he says "no" see how he reacts to the suggestion of a dry May. The bad / lack of sex is just symptomatic of everything else that's a bit rotten in your relationship right now.

MrsHathaway · 04/05/2018 08:19

He despises you. He has never changed so he never will.

You are going to have such a wonderful life once you are no longer shackles to him.

AnyFucker · 04/05/2018 08:26

What are you going to do, op ?

He isn't going to change. You married an abuser.

DragonMummy1418 · 04/05/2018 08:31

Go out now and enjoy your day @BossyPaws Plan a day trip on your own or something. 😊

lilybetsy · 04/05/2018 08:33

What a horrible horrible man . Please get away, this is no life. You might find you don’t need that quetiapine when that abusive asshole is gone

givemeyourbadge · 04/05/2018 08:38

It isn't often I join the chorus of LTB...but occasionally I read something that is impossible to ignore.

You need to leave this abusive, sulking, gas-lighting hideous man as quickly as you can, OP.

Finderscrispy · 04/05/2018 08:41

He’s not going to change. His appalling behaviour is clearly documented in his divorce from ex wife, that should have served as a wake up call for him, but he’s either unwilling or unable to accept his behaviour is abusive.
Please walk away from him, nobody deserves this kind of relationship.

Lifeontheoceanwave · 04/05/2018 08:41

Omg sounds like my ex boyfriend only after I got out did I realise what a controlling loser he was even though friends did try and warn me. Took years to get myself back. I realise with kids it’s not easy to leave but please do. Can you get an early flight home?

expatinscotland · 04/05/2018 08:41

This is no way to live.

Gatehouse77 · 04/05/2018 08:44

I find it hard to understand people who need vast amounts of alcohol to 'have a good time' and that alone would concern me. However, as someone who has been tee-total all my adult life I accept that I might have a skewered perspective.

It sounds like you've outgrown him in maturity. The fact that you can manage you drinks and moods seems to agitate him which, again, would concern me.

Singlenotsingle · 04/05/2018 08:47

He doesn't love you does he? That ship has sailed. It's clear that actually he wants out but wants to blame it on you. He's the boring one. Just get out and find someone who appreciates you.

Uniquack · 04/05/2018 09:19

I can only echo what the PPs have said. Please leave him, for your own safety and sanity.

FriendlyOcelot · 04/05/2018 09:19

Gosh I’d be planning a moonlight flit right now! Get out of there and leave him to it while you get home and rearrange your life; move out, get the locks changed, getvall your paperwork in order. He can arrive home to the divorce papers. Bastard.

LiteraryDevil · 04/05/2018 10:07

I didn't even finish reading. Why on earth are you with him?! What a dick. Please leave the abusive turd.

Gloryificus · 04/05/2018 10:32

What a truly awful man he is! Give yourself the best anniversary present ever and make this your last ever one with him.

You shouldn't have to beg someone to be kind decent and respectful of you!

Hadalifeonce · 04/05/2018 10:48

OP, I got so angry on your behalf reading your post, Sit back and think about where you see yourself in 5 year's time. If it's in the same situation you are in now, which I am sure will get worse, then go with it. If you don't want to be there, please, please get out. Get the counselling you need, and improve your lot.

ClownPockets · 04/05/2018 10:55

Get. The. Hell. Away. From. Him.

Nikephorus · 04/05/2018 10:57

I had a relationship like this - she was a grade A bitch with a drink problem. It was relief when it was over and I've never once regretted the break up (quite the contrary).
He has a pattern for this behaviour - the divorce papers prove it. Donn't know how old your kids are or what your financial situation is etc. but if you can I'd say start thinking about leaving. Get the wheels in motion. And in the meantime don't try and pacify & please him, put yourself first. Get some counselling even so you're strong enough to permanently realise that being treated like crap isn't something that should be endured. He's not worth it, you are.

FizzyGreenWater · 04/05/2018 11:04

Oh my God.

The one quite convenient thing is that you can clearly save some time writing the divorce petition with some energentic use of cut and paste.

I am so sorry - but very glad that you're at this stage.

Don't waste another second of your life with this absolute piece of dogshit.

YearOfYouRemember · 04/05/2018 12:05

I was also SA as a kid by someone meant to be fulfilling a parental role and it took me 30 years to say no to someone who wanted sex with me. Please say no to your husband every time from now on and please free yourself from this abusive situation.

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