To marry him when I am so flawed

[Lobsterquadrille2]

I don't know where to post this so I'll take the tough route. I've been single for a long time. My relationship history is diabolical. I've never had a conversation with my father and he died a few weeks ago. He was a POW and very dictatorial - not his fault, under the Hitler Youth. My only real relationship was with my absolute first love who left when I was pregnant (planned) and has never had any contact or supported her. She is 20 and amazing. I'm not trying to sound self pitying (I hope) - I own my own home and am ok. But I am marrying someone who is so far removed from my comfort level that I keep pushing him away.

I'm an alcoholic who's been sober for many years and I've just had a relapse.

I don't really know what anyone can say.

You are completely right. They just stick. When DD was a year old, her maternal grandmother forced her father to come to the christening. I said " isn't she beautiful?" And he replied that any other woman wouldn't have been as selfish not to have an abortion.

This was 20 years ago!!!! It should have left.

It's about comfort levels as a PP said.

I'm honestly not normally this melancholic!

OP, I can understand how your father’s emotional abuse has become internalised- if he told you that you were worth nothing, you have absorbed that toxic idea and now subconsciously believe it, to the point that you sabotage any good things in your life as you feel you don’t deserve them.
I had a similar shit of a father, who used to tell me that I was “hopeless, helpless and useless” on a regular basis. That screwed me up for 40 years, but eventually I had help from an amazing counsellor.
One of the things he taught me was to replace father’s toxic negative mantra with a positive one. He got me to recite “ I am loving, I am loved, I am able”, on a daily basis, and before doing anything stressful.
I had a lot of CBT as well, but I found that mantra really useful in rewriting my internal critical monologue.
You might like to come up with something equivalent.
Perhaps: “I am really something special” , to replace the “I am nothing”.
It takes time, but repetition really does help. I think a course of CBT, plus confiding some of your worries to your soon to be DH and letting him reassure you that he loves and values you, might be a good idea.
If you have a religious faith too, you can remind yourself that you are totally beloved by God, and always will be.
I hope you can learn to love yourself and enjoy your happy future marriage. Big hugs, and all my prayers and best wishes.

Oh Lobster

You just need a big fat hug and a (gentle) hard slap. Now get back on the horse. Saddle Up. Sober Up. You sound like you are amazing and have been so strong for so long. That gets so tiring. And is so hard.

This is just the wobbles. It's really okay. I have absolute faith that you will get beyond this, and be happy. Now you just have to let that happen. and a hug.

Having suicidal thoughts and feeling such turmoil after going through a life threatening illness is territory for an urgent visit to your GP. Please consider your Dd’s Words and be entirely honest with them. If you can’t say the words you could write them down.

Your DP knows and loves you, it’s time to accept love and that includes accepting yourself. The strong you and the sad, confused and frightened you.

Your father sounds like a very troubled and nasty man. It’s time to decide, perhaps, if his opinion was actually of any value at all? I doubt it.

Lobster, don't torture yourself with those awful comments and memories from the past.

I wonder if you have ever grieved properly for the absence or loss of a happy childhood? You have to do that to move on. People with abusive childhoods can have something similar to chronic PTSD where these awful memories flare up on an intermittent basis, particularly when they are already feeling stressed and vulnerable. If you have any way of getting some one on one counselling or therapy, please try and get some.

Everyone is flawed OP. Everyone. Nobody is perfect.

You have made a mistake. Like everyone does.

"To err is human; to forgive divine"

I think you need to forgive yourself because you are a pretty terrific human being I'd say, one that is well worth loving

Thank you. This is all helpful. I've not really talked about it much but soon to be DH is really aware and really supportive and just repeats that he loves me and we'll get through any hiccups.

So as a PP said, I'm deliberately self sabotaging and wondering why he is still here.

On the plus side, although DD is a child of an alcoholic, she has a marvellous sense of self. So I did something right.

Lobster YOU ARE AMAZING
You have a beautiful daughter
You are loved
You are a nice person
You have a home, you made a home for your little girl, you helped her grow into a woman.
You made your life happen
You did all this despite everything.

Be proud.
Please don't self sabotage
Get the help you deserve and need
Big hug

I have had many £1000s spent on therapy because of a parent screwing up my childhood (and some of my adult life). One thing I learned is that when you have negative self-beliefs, you subconsciously look for evidence to re-enforce those beliefs. It's not easy to break the cycle and you may need some counselling to help you do it. Best of luck.

Really thank you all. This is most self pitiful post I have ever written on here.

If we all had your attitude then nobody would marry, as we are all imperfect, messy human beings. We all have our flaws, let him judge for himself, he obviously really values you to want to marry you :)

This is all true but seriously in looks, on paper and in terms of baggage it's pretty clear he's punching below his weight. I have more bloody baggage than the entire Kardashian family on a cruise!

You don't need to understand why your future DH loves you or what he sees in you. My DH doesn't understand what I see in him and I don't understand what he sees in me. I know the little things he does that makes me love him. He can't understand those things - they're my 'private things'. And it doesn't matter. All my DH needs to know is that I do love him.

You have two men in your head. Your dad and your future DH. You need to decide who is worth listening to. Your dad, who had his own demons to face and seemed to turn them on you rather than dealing with them, or your future DH. Is he good for you, supportive? If he is then listen to him. You and your DD deserve a wonderful future and your dad's words will interfere in that. Time to put them in the past where they belong and turn your face to a brighter day.

Everyone has relapses, whether it's drink, diet, spending or whatever. The important thing is to climb back on board and try again. You need to give yourself a bit of TLC and forgive yourself.

You are not the terrible things you are telling yourself. You really aren't, it's obvious that you are strong & you have endured. I have much more in common with you then many people.

You are not alone in your experience, your reaction is not unusual.

You're still here, but you can't think straight at the moment...happens to the best of us. Bear with it, it will pass. Let time do it's work on these feelings because they will become less intense.

Think of it like brain flu, you can't make yourself get better, you can only treat yourself kindly & wait for the storm to pass.

Once you're feeling a bit better, look for help. Therapy or CBT might help. After an horrific experience in the past, my mind became stuck. EMDR might help. But see a therapist & they will advise.

FWIW you sound lovely. xx

Lobster, there are loads of us out there with grim pasts but we can still find love. You know that really.

You need to re-position your thoughts and think of the incredible job you have done as a single mum - despite everything. Think of all your achievements (including that 2:1) and what you have survived. All of that makes you an amazing person, full of resourcefulness and courage. That is what your DP will be seeing.

I think the worst part is that he tells me all the time how lucky and proud he is. On our engagement, his mother with whom I have a great relationship said to my mother "Lobster is a lovely girl" and my mother looked kind of away and said "I have a lovely family".

I know I'm dwelling on this. It's very helpful reading your advice. I shall keep reading. The other comment DD once made was that if I had 99 positive remarks and one negative one, that's the only one I'd remember. Oh and she's reading psychology

Your good honey I get like that sometimes but just take a deep breath and remember you won't always feel sad. Also you might have a concussion go to the Dr and tell them everything

But so much of MN advice is to run for the hills from an alcoholic. I would never have got together with someone in the rooms. There's always a possibility of relapse. Even after years.

It's like everything was coming together and I was determined to screw up.

You need proper professional counselling. The comments that were abuse are that - abuse and highly damaging and you need tools to deal with them.

I have no advice then to value yourself - we only have one life, it sounds like despite abuse you have been amazingly strong and have brought up a fab daughter. You need to recognise your own achievements. Cut negative people out.

If you have a lovely partner - believe it you are worth it.

Imagine it was your daughter saying those things! What would you say? Treat yourself with the same love and compassion

Lobster I recognise the name, have you been on the Brave Babes Bus before?

If you have, you know you have a lifelong ticket to jump back on, if not, we are a supportive MN thread, no judgement, and we understand struggles with alcohol, look for us in Relationships, here

Hi SweetLathyrusyes I have been on the bus. You know the part in the big book where it talks about a man without legs feeling that they have grown back? I suppose it was that.

Hey Lobster, glad to see you are still posting - get it all out now. Your partner sounds pretty terrific, do you think you could sit down and cry together reading all these posts?

Your past doesn't need to define your future, you know that. You're a strong woman.

You've relapsed, tomorrow is another day X

He would just say that you're all saying what he does! I know how stupid this makes me sound ... but I also know how many other people get it. It's like you want to believe something but you have a massive fear.

Everybody has fear, fear of hurt, rejection, being inadequate... Don't get me wrong, I really want to help you, but I'm a massive member of the I'll fuck it up before it even has a chance club hence single for 8 years because I can't deal with the emotion.

If you were talking to me, what would you advise?

Believe in yourself?
I'm not bad at giving advice but absolutely rubbish at taking it.
Believe in him. I know he does but I've been bloody crying all evening and wondering if this is worth it. Not that he isn't worth it.