To marry him when I am so flawed

[Lobsterquadrille2]

I don't know where to post this so I'll take the tough route. I've been single for a long time. My relationship history is diabolical. I've never had a conversation with my father and he died a few weeks ago. He was a POW and very dictatorial - not his fault, under the Hitler Youth. My only real relationship was with my absolute first love who left when I was pregnant (planned) and has never had any contact or supported her. She is 20 and amazing. I'm not trying to sound self pitying (I hope) - I own my own home and am ok. But I am marrying someone who is so far removed from my comfort level that I keep pushing him away.

I'm an alcoholic who's been sober for many years and I've just had a relapse.

I don't really know what anyone can say.

Exactly, believe in yourself.

Are you crying through booze? Definitely not being judgemental, I just know that it skews thoughts.

Would you prefer to be single and strong? Do you want to marry? What is THE question for you that needs answering?

I need to dash as (true story) there is a house round the corner from me, very posh, and they keep just leaving lovely furniture in their garden for anybody to take and I noticed a cabinet on the school run - I'm off! I'm such a scab

Ha, that made me smile 😊 happy cabinet finding. And yes, it's the four horsemen but mainly remorse and yes, I really do want him.

Was the relapse over the last couple of days? You’ll feel much better when you’ve had a good week dry.

Being many years dry is a hugely impressive achievement. And under the circumstances if you’ve had a tough time recently and poor health I don’t think anybody would condemn you for a slip up.

Losing a parent who was unkind is still very hard. I don’t think anybody in that situation would ever let go of the hope one day they would change and that hope is gone. It must have stirred up awful memories for you.

Be kind to yourself. You can’t change that you slipped up, but you can take the choice to go forward sober.

Thank you mightymucks and yes, last couple of days. I don't really believe in triggers as such . We are, therefore we drink.

My father was horribly ashamed of me being in AA (although he was an alcoholic).). I tried to do my step nine with him (making amends) and said that I was a disgrace to the family.

Maybe I should have counselling. This sounds much worse than it's been! The hardest but is my mother rewriting history about what a great father he was.

• he said I was a disgrace and lots more!

Rewriting history and going into denial is probably your mother’s coping mechanism. She can’t handle the reality of how awful he was, and how he failed you in the most important way as your father - he failed to make you feel loved and valued. So she convinces herself that it wasn’t so bad, really.
That’s all very well for her, but it is dangerous for you- it threatens to invalidate your experience and downplay your suffering, telling you that you had nothing to complain about, etc.
OP, I would strongly advise you see a good counsellor or therapist, and get some help in dealing with all this damage from your childhood. You’re carrying some bloody heavy baggage - isn’t it time you got help to put down the load and enjoy your future with your nice loving partner?

Some of these posts have been so helpful. I've always avoided the Stately Homes thread because I feel such guilt. They fed and clothed me. But seeing DP and his amazing family who actually like, or possibly accept, me, makes me see how it can be.

@Babdoc that is so it. He's a chef so not around yet. That you sip much for that.

I'm sober but in bed!

It sounds like you are a great mum, despite your problems. They say we all still have an inner child within us and your adult side must parent them. Your inner child was damaged by your terrible childhood but you can heal yourself by your ability as a parent and a good, kind person. Think of what you would have said and done with your dd and apply those things to yourself. If those negative critical words from your father come to you think how you would speak as a mum. Think how fierce you would be in defending your dd if anyone was unkind to her, you would never accept it. You would recognise and celebrate your dds achievements and efforts and you should do the same for yourself. If your dd wanted something unhealthy you would gently say no but be kind about it.
Finally think about what you would advise your dd about her relationship and getting married. You do deserve happiness with a loving partner and you can make him happy too. If you want to slow down a bit that's fine but never say you aren't good enough for him.

Really grateful for all these replies

How you doing today Lobster?

Just wanted to say good morning Lobster, how are you feeling today?

I did 'nick' the cabinet, but actually got to speak to the owners this time, lovely people apparently wife is a bit addicted to buying and selling sites (says husband rolling his eyes) and I can help myself to whatever - goodo .

Do you have any plans for today? I'm having a chill out one as no work for me, hope you can do the same.

Op, assume you are marrying another human being? If so then that person is flawed. Everyone is in some way, it's normal.

Morning. I'm ok I think. Told DP all about this - although he kind of knew. He just wants to make a list of things to do before our wedding. I want my hair back! DM is a bit demanding and I'm sorting out probate this morning. But that you all for asking. X

Thank....

Lobster, sorry if this is inappropriate. I had a bit of a hair mishap about 18 months ago and regularly rubbing coconut oil into my scalp and soaking my hair in it helped. There is also a great Lee Stafford range which helps your hair grow quicker and thicker which helped too, I wonder if they might help you too?

I know it’s not the same but have you looked into wigs? You can find some brilliant ones online. Plus Afro Beauty shops are a great source of relatively cheap wigs and you could get a few and mix them up as your mood took you, plus you can try them on.

Not at all inappropriate! Thank you. I posted a photograph the other day on S&B about a dress that I was unsure of, and there were a few comments about my hair. I appreciate that when you post here, you're likely to get all kinds of remarks but I didn't realise it looked so bad (I'll attach it as long as no one comes back with compliments!)

Can't find the dress but same hair. I think (know) I overdo things ...

I’m laughing now, because you’re worrying so much but you look incredible. I would literally chop off my arm to have your legs! The hair is fantastic, great for a wedding too, would go with a tiara fab if you’re having one. Ditto flowers.

Look up my last thread! Some people said my hair was awful and I looked way older than 48!! There were nice comments but you focus on the critical ones.

But that's very nice of you, thank you. Trouble is without the slight backcombing and this wretched thing that combs in the back, I have a few short ends.

You look fantastic! I'm feeling like a right slob now... I suspect your OH considers himself a very luck man (hope that doesn't sound pervy!!)

Just having a chuckle imagining coming across a one armed woman with your legs... Oh you must be Mightymucks!

and now I also have bathroom envy.

I’ve got this uplift which clips in about halfway back and it covers any short bits at the back.

Whoops, links

www.wigsboutique.co.uk/hot-hair-uplift-short-tp-hairpiece

That looks really good! But how much hair do you have?

For some reason my fringe isn't as bad but I literally have a pixie look at the back. I was always kind of known for my long hair (yes, I know, move on) and I've coloured what little I have and apparently damaged it. My hairdresser (when I was in tears yet again) also said coconut oil so that's definitely something I will try.