To marry him when I am so flawed

[Lobsterquadrille2]

I don't know where to post this so I'll take the tough route. I've been single for a long time. My relationship history is diabolical. I've never had a conversation with my father and he died a few weeks ago. He was a POW and very dictatorial - not his fault, under the Hitler Youth. My only real relationship was with my absolute first love who left when I was pregnant (planned) and has never had any contact or supported her. She is 20 and amazing. I'm not trying to sound self pitying (I hope) - I own my own home and am ok. But I am marrying someone who is so far removed from my comfort level that I keep pushing him away.

I'm an alcoholic who's been sober for many years and I've just had a relapse.

I don't really know what anyone can say.

If you trust his judgement on other matters, maybe you should trust his judgement as regards yourself

Did you have any counselling whilst you were sober? What do you think has made you relapse?

Do you think you know in your heart of hearts you shouldn't marry this man as it's not true happiness for you, or are you thinking that maybe things are going too well so you might as well fuck it up as everything gets fucked up in the end (if that makes sense)

Are you okay? How are you feeling now?

Thank you. I've been in AA for years. I had chemotherapy and my hair just isn't growing back. I posted about this the other day. I feel ugly and useless and that he could do so much better.
As part of my relapse I tripped and fell , knocking myself out but felt too guilty to go to A&E as it was self inflicted.
And yes, I really love him. I don't understand what he sees in me. I felt so low last night that I was googling ways to hang myself. I'm really sorry. I'm not doing anything of the kind and I'm normally really positive.

And yes, we call it the fuck it button.

It sounds a bit like there's some self sabotage going on?
I would definitely get some help before you take the relationship further. You have a responsibility to yourself but also to others. Hope you are ok.

I feel the same OP. History of mental illness and I have a sharp tongue and my husband is so kind and lovely and sometimes I wonder why the hell he’s with me.

I feel you.

Oh dear cross posted.
What a shitty time you have had.

Was your googling hanging drink related? You sound lovely to me, you've had a fucking hard time! Are you usually hard on yourself and self critical? Maybe your husband to be sees your strength and not your weaknesses.

Do you think you could manage not to push the fuck it button? If you did push it how would you feel then? Would it give you an excuse to relapse for good? I get you.

I feel as if I deserve the lump on my head. This is the only joke my father ever told me at six "close your eyes and what can you see?" Clearly I replied "nothing" and he said that's what I was worth. He didn't speak to me for six years after I had my daughter, for the shame of being a single parent.

Argh!! This is no good. As we say in AA. Self pity kills. But as Larkin said, they do fuck you up your mum and dad.

Sorry for typos. More emotional than usual.

We are our own worst critic. Trust that he knows his own mind & loves you, warts & all

Your dad sounds horrible.

What you deserve right now is a big hug and a nice cup of hot chocolate. Not a lump.

Be kind to yourself.

Thank you for your replies. My posts on here are normally about supporting those dealing with alcoholics or asking about my clothes. Really appreciated.

I could write an essay on my mum and dad fucking me up! That was an especially cruel thing to say and I know that it stays with you, but you have choices don't you? Do you listen to your cruel dad, or do you think about what you've come through and think - actually I'm pretty fucking strong and quite cool.

No shame in being a single parent - his loss!

This single parent needs to pop off to parents evening now, I've been a parent now for 21 years, none of it fucking easy, but I take pride in the fact that am still here and kids are fine.

Have you thought about speaking to your GP about some extra counselling like CBT on top of the AA? Speak later.

Lobster, you are beating yourself up. Please stop beating yourself up! You've said it yourself in your OP - you're out of your comfort zone. You've been through a lot from the sound of it, in your life and illness, and that must have been frightening, and now you are facing something else frightening, even though getting married is a nice thing too, it is still a leap of faith. You are trying to revert to what you know because there's some safety in that. Sounds like you realise this, and are then beating yourself up some more for good measure. This is all very, totally understandable.

Could you go to an AA place or get some support - they won't judge you. It's just a relapse. You'll get through it and be stronger. You're not supposed to be superwoman. 'There is a crack in everything - that's how the light gets in' (Leonard Cohen)

You've really made me cry with that. Thank you for your kind words and understanding.

I've tried a lot of things. I think I grew up to feel to useless that it was ingrained. When I boy asked me out at university, I assumed it was for a bet. I know how stupid this sounds. When I rang home to say I had a 2:1, the response was "not a First, then?"

lobster my parents are the same. Except when I got a third, it was ‘well what were you expecting?’

And when I got married it was ‘wow you got lucky.’

Not to make it about me, sorry. Just saying I get it. It’s horrible and impossible to get over, I think.

I've been talking to AA people today but I don't to admit how bad I feel. I'm used to being one of the strong ones. DD says I'm a perfect balance of low self esteem and high arrogance.

It's comforting that other people feel the same. I never realised how venomous my brother was until he was asked to deliver a tribute at the funeral. We didn't let him read the first draft!

Please access mental health and alcohol services.

Is your DP aware you have relapsed?

Your Dad’s opinions of you were not reliable - he had his own stuff going on but that doesn’t excuse his treatment of you.

Isn’t part of AA being honest? You are usually one of the “strong” ones but now need help — and aiming to be “strong” can sometimes be detrimental to mental health.

Your DD’s description of you is a well known one for people with alcohol problems, it’s part of the illness.

Yes, DP fully aware which I think is the problem for me. Now that you have asked that I'm in floods of tears. I feel that he should he slinging his hook. I don't understand why he's not. As we know, alcoholics get a pretty bad rap on here.

at perfect balance of low self esteem and high arrogance. Love it.

It's really good you're talking to AA then, lean on them for a while, they can take it. Don't hold back.

All the rubbish things that people have said in the past can really go down deep and then bubble up again when we're feeling vulnerable I think. Try and be as compassionate and gentle to yourself as possible.

You're doing well. You've got this

Huge hugs to you. I think you are having a crisis of confidence and you are riddled with self-loathing at the moment, which made you relapse.

Get back to AA, get some counselling if you can to help you through this really difficult time.

Trust that your partner is not an idiot and talk to him. It is perfectly understandable to have doubts before making a commitment. It is ok to have those doubts, but talk them through with your partner.

I grew up in a deeply dysfunctional home full of neglect and cruelty and that stuff stays with you. I had the exact same response to me 2:1 as well! I've had therapy to deal with it all and it is hard. You have huge sympathy from me. Most of all be kind to yourself and believe that you are important and mean something to your partner.

It sounds to me like the experience of being loved is very, very overwhelming for you - and no wonder, given the emotionally deprived upbringing that you were given.

Please see a counsellor. You deserve to feel better about yourself than this, but it will be a process to get there. If you don't you could lose this chance to have an amazing life. Which isn't the end of the world - there will be others - but honestly, why wait?