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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want my space in the evening?

111 replies

cakedup · 02/05/2018 21:55

I do feel a bit bad having just snapped at DS(13) but the thing is, after a day at work, then coming home to clean and cook, eventually only sitting down at 9pm, I just don't want to interact. I just to wind down on the laptop with some peace and quiet.

There are opportunities for DS to speak to me earlier on in the afternoon. Sometimes he does, mostly he chooses to play on his ps4. However, we do eat together. Sometimes he is chatty, sometimes I literally get a few grunts so don't bother. Today we took the bus to the dentist. He barely said a word there and back.

Then 9pm, I sit down and it's chit chat this and chit chat that. I wish I could have unlimited patience and be that mum who always has time for their child. But I have my needs and limits. I need to wind down at the end of my day. AIBU?

OP posts:
Littlelambpeep · 02/05/2018 21:56
Hmm
WeirdyMcBeardy · 02/05/2018 21:59

YANBU. Let's ignore the very unhelpful first response.

I'm the same. I'm tired at the end of the day. I need wind down time and not to be talking. My DCs are younger but they still go up earlier to bed and read or play in their room before going to sleep. I can't take being talked at all the time and I need peace. I think children should understand that adults need this and they need to entertain themselves sometimes.

witchofzog · 02/05/2018 22:02

So what do you do? Grunt at him? Tell him to be quiet? You should be glad he WANTS to chat to you. Why can't you wind down with him together. Chat while you watch some inane telly or scroll.through your laptop while you talk to him. Or if he is more chatty in the evening why dont you wind down earlier on silence and make the most of the time he wants to talk to you. One day he won't be at home. He will have moved out or be out with friends and you will regret the times you chose not to engage with him

Original poster
cakedup · 02/05/2018 22:07

I feel terrible when you put it like that witchofzog . But when do I get to switch off being an employee, a house keeper, a mum? As I said, I'm happy to talk to him earlier and we often do. I think some of the problem is that he is so into his video games he doesn't know what to do when he is not playing them (no video games after dinner rule).

OP posts:
Onlyoldontheoutside · 02/05/2018 22:08

If that's the first time you sit down the that's the time he might feel he has your attention.If you keep shutting him down he will stop talking to you ,why would he if you withdraw and reject him.Not to mention his self esteem if his own mum won't listen.
Presumably this is only for an hour at most before bed and not long until grunts are the most you will get.
So yes YABVU,I sympathise but just talk with him and apologise for tonight.

tinytemper66 · 02/05/2018 22:08

I wish my kids sat and talked to me when I came home. I only get grunts now.

Original poster
cakedup · 02/05/2018 22:09

Or if he is more chatty in the evening why dont you wind down earlier on silence and make the most of the time he wants to talk to you. As I've said, it's work then household chores and then I don't sit down until 9pm the very earliest. Anyway I take your point...I really don't want to be regretting this one day.

OP posts:
KarmaStar · 02/05/2018 22:09

Give him half to three quarters an hour's talk op,it's good that he wants to chat to you.
Perhaps he waits until you are relaxing and can talk and listen without other things taking your attention
This time with him won't be forever so enjoy this,it's time you will never get back.
Don't make it obvious you'd rather be alone,you might shut him out and hurt his feelings.
I appreciate you are tired,but please,make the most of it.Flowers.

kyrenialady · 02/05/2018 22:10

I might be in the minority here but I love it when teen dd chats away to me. She usually comes down from her room about 9pm we watch tv and chat together. I will miss that time when mine are grown up.

witchofzog · 02/05/2018 22:11

I understand that you need to wind down. We all do. But perhaps you could take an hour when you get home from work instead to do what makes you happy. Then when he is more chart he could chat to you while you do the laundry or clean up. It would make these tasks more enjoyable having someone to chat with and you never know. He might even help you Smile

lavendargreen · 02/05/2018 22:12

Hmm from me too. FFS!

Have another one. Hmm

Words fail me!

Original poster
cakedup · 02/05/2018 22:13

Oh gosh I feel like such a selfish bitch now. I will apologise and make more of an effort.

OP posts:
FASH84 · 02/05/2018 22:13

Do you sit and eat together? He might not chat earlier as he can see you're doing housework and cooking. Is there a show you can watch together each night on Netflix or something for half hour? chat over dinner , watch something for half hour, then he goes off to game or bed and you chill out.

Onlyoldontheoutside · 02/05/2018 22:14

Just to say I got home at 7pm,cooked and then it has been full on homework help(for a talk my DD has to do))
Washing up and tidying kitchen.It is time for bed and she will cuddle up next to me and chat until I have to go to bed.

Wondermags · 02/05/2018 22:16

Don't beat yourself up too much! It's hard not having enough time to yourself. Don't teenagers have different body clocks? Maybe that's when he shakes his day off and feels more awake and wanting to chat

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 02/05/2018 22:17

My DC are slightly older.
I look back so wistfully on those days.
I would give anything to have them back.
I so sympathise with you and DS on different schedules but
i would try an figure out a way to work it out with him.
He needs to respect your need for some time but you need to
also give him some dedicated time.

Original poster
cakedup · 02/05/2018 22:17

Yes we sit and eat together every night FASH84 . Also sometimes when I'm doing the housework, I will stop and chat if initiates. We spend all weekend together too. I will always try to be available to him usually. He gets so much screen time anyway that I kind of loathe to use TV to wind down together.

OP posts:
ghostyslovesheets · 02/05/2018 22:19

you are not a selfish bitch

listening to my teens wittering on about vines, so and so in year 8, the funny thing someone did at break, their streaks, bants, being triggered ...

drives me mad past about 10pm - I need wind down time as well

I give them between 6-10 then it's shush mums busy!

Coastalcommand · 02/05/2018 22:26

If there’s a no gaming rule after dinner, maybe there should be a no laptops one too?

MarklahMarklah · 02/05/2018 22:27

I have a child (younger than yours) that could talk the hind leg off a donkey. And then keep talking til it grew a new one.

I wonder if your DS could help with some of the housework/chores which would lighten your load a little, give him something to do when not gaming, and allow a little more time free for you to wind down?

MumofBoysx2 · 02/05/2018 22:28

Maybe he sees you sit down and stop rushing around, and see that as a good time to catch up. Make the most of it!

Whatalovelymug · 02/05/2018 22:28

Could he do gaming after dinner for however long so he chats whilst you’re cooking? He could help you around the house

Moneyissue2 · 02/05/2018 22:29

Completely understand op. I too am about to drop around 9pm when everything is finished and after a long day at work. DS is normally just waking up after his after school nap at this time! The rule here is he has to get in my bed if he wants chit chat as my need to be horizontal at this point is extremely great!

I will surf and chat and watch the funniest thing he’s ever found on you tube etc and still feel completely relaxed. I simply can not sit on the sofa or watch tv downstairs I have to lie down, get a good cuddle in that way too Grin

TheBigFatMermaid · 02/05/2018 22:30

YANBU!! I have a 12 year old and an 11 year old. They seem to want to do their own thing until reined in. then want my attention!!

They do get told if they want to chat then now is good, but at bedtime, or even soap time would not be good....... Then at bedtime, they decide they want to talk. I call that delaying tactics and will not put up with it!

stayanotherday · 02/05/2018 22:30

Some harsh responses. I understand what you're saying. Could you move things round differently so he's getting involved in household chores so you could chat then?

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