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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want my space in the evening?

111 replies

cakedup · 02/05/2018 21:55

I do feel a bit bad having just snapped at DS(13) but the thing is, after a day at work, then coming home to clean and cook, eventually only sitting down at 9pm, I just don't want to interact. I just to wind down on the laptop with some peace and quiet.

There are opportunities for DS to speak to me earlier on in the afternoon. Sometimes he does, mostly he chooses to play on his ps4. However, we do eat together. Sometimes he is chatty, sometimes I literally get a few grunts so don't bother. Today we took the bus to the dentist. He barely said a word there and back.

Then 9pm, I sit down and it's chit chat this and chit chat that. I wish I could have unlimited patience and be that mum who always has time for their child. But I have my needs and limits. I need to wind down at the end of my day. AIBU?

OP posts:

Moneyissue2 · 02/05/2018 22:31

Mines almost 17 by the way

Findingdotty · 02/05/2018 22:32

I think both YA and YAN BU actually.
It’s normal and not unreasonable to want relaxing non conversational time in the late evening.
However you are a parent and this comes with the territory. Your DS will be an adult soon enough and then he won’t be around your house for you to talk to.
It is hard. I feel the same as you. I would try a very carefully worded conversation with him about you needing rest time and arrange to spend time with him when he can chat. Not easy with teens though. Try and enjoy the communication you do get.

HeddaGarbled · 02/05/2018 22:34

The problem is that your down times aren't coinciding. He's taking his when he first gets in from school on his PlayStation etc. Then once he's had his down time he's ready to chat, just at the point when you've finished your chores and are ready for your downtime.

I don't think you have a chance in hell of getting a 13 year old to change his down time to fit in with yours so if you want to communicate with him at all, you're going to have to change yours. Sorry, I know it's hard.

So, what's all this cleaning you're doing until 9.00 every evening? Can it be reduced, shared, shifted to the weekend, outsourced to paid help or just abandoned completely?

PutTheChocEggDown · 02/05/2018 22:36

I sympathise OP but that's because I am also one of those people who starts to lose their mind without some alone time. I normally go a walk at some stage. It would make more sense to have your relaxing time before the chores and then enjoy the chat while you do household stuff.

Mintychoc1 · 02/05/2018 22:37

OP I know what you mean. After school the kids don’t want to talk to me, they just want their screens. At tea time they throw their food down as fast as they can, so they can get back to the Xbox. They grunt when I ask about their day. They grunt if I talk about my day. So I give up and get chores done.
Then, at bed time, they both want to chat! I want them to sleep, and I also need some down time. It’s tricky.

IWantMyHatBack · 02/05/2018 22:38

Have half an hour where you watch something together. Get him to help you with the household stuff, maybe you'll be done earlier.

You have a teenager that talks (for now). Don't tell him to bugger off :)

I remember being this age, and only feeling like I needed to talk when we were sitting and watching TV (in the car sometimes worked)

I totally get how you feel though

Justgivemesomepeace · 02/05/2018 22:39

I'm the same and reading some of these responses makes me feel bad. The thing is after a full on day starting at 6am, a 5yr old and a 15yr old, work, tea, clubs for both, household chores there is absolutely nothing in the tank at 9pm and I need to stop. Dd then decides she needs hair plaiting, printer fixing general chat and I'm only fit for shower, mumsnet and bed. I really can't keep going and get snappy at her

NobodysChild · 02/05/2018 22:41

Are you for real? Your son obviously wants to chat to his mum about something and mum can't be arsed to listen. I loved talking and having a laugh with my boys. I still do and they're grown up now. Your son is at a crucial time in his life and perhaps looking for some guidance or perspective on certain issues, or maybe just wants to chat in general about his day. Whatever the reason for him wanting to chat, you made it pretty clear that you weren't interested.

justabunchofbunting · 02/05/2018 22:44

You are not a selfish bitch.
This is a totally normal way to feel.
I get this about my poor toddler sometimes and he is only 3.
Im SAHM and my husband works 13 hr days... sometimes however lovely it is that your child wants to speak to you or show you something, you just dont have the energy any more after cleaning and meeting everyones needs all day long.
And sadly it is often the case than your child will try and interact with you more when they see you trying to relax.
I just say 'mummy is drinking her cup of tea right now/eating her lunch and she will come and look at your -whatever it is- when she is finished.' then completely ignore him for the ten mins until im finished.
I do not consider myself to be a selfish bitch, I consider myself to be a human being and not just an 24hr machine providing attention for various people.
I actually think it does children no good to grow up thinking that they have a 24hr right over your time energy and attention for absolutely everything. Of course if my son was upset or really did need me id stop whatever I was doing and help him. But if its a case of just being pestered because hes seen ive sat down or am focusing on something that isnt him for a while.. then I just dont engage.
You can love your kids and enjoy their company without devoting every single second of your life to them. Its not going to damage them to understand that sometimes mummy might need to relax or focus on something else for a short while. As long as you spend time engaging with them at other times I really really dont think you need to feel guilty for sometimes wanting to relax without conversation.

yetAnotherNewName1000 · 02/05/2018 22:44

Gosh, i think you've been given a hard time op. Maybe those that are saying yabu are more extrovert and don't get so drained from constant chattering. I know, for me, it takes it's toll and by 9pm i've had enough talking and just want silence. I don't know what the answer is, but i think maybe you could try to carve out some silent/wind down time at a different time of day, because i too am aware that this time won't last forever and to make the most of it now...but my god, it's hard when you've had enough!

Onlyoldontheoutside · 02/05/2018 22:45

Apart from cook and tidy kitchen I do no other housework on days that I work and chill when she does homework normally.

ItLooksABitOff · 02/05/2018 22:45

Is it possible it's just a one-off? I get it, I really do. I'm an introvert and am exhausted after a day's work/chores/commute, dog walk/making dinner etc, but I try and be open to the moments DC wants to talk because they are not that common. Just a thought.

VladmirsPoutine · 02/05/2018 22:46

This is what is known as parenting. You can't just check-in and out of it at your leisure however how tedious it is. Yabu.

ItLooksABitOff · 02/05/2018 22:47

I also agree with some of the previous suggestions about changing your routine to fit theirs. Can you give yourself an hour once home from work to just chill, and THEN tackle the rest of the evening? I do this sometimes if I feel I need it. Sometimes I even nap.

pollypebble · 02/05/2018 22:52

All the posts about bending over backwards to chat. You 're an adult and a good parent. That's your time why should you have to feel guilty? O and all the 'he'll be leaving soon' comments, don't most MSN kids live with parents until 35? Seriously though can you imagine any other generation feeling guilty for this? Enjoy your quiet time, open the wine.

TammySwansonTwo · 02/05/2018 22:54

I’m 35 and I still remember my mum shushing me because some shite soap or other was on when I just wanted to talk to her. It really hurt then and it still makes me feel sad now. She worked full time, had a disabled child and was beyond stressed, but it still hurt.

My mum is sadly no longer with us. I’m sure on her deathbed she wasn’t thinking back to all those soap storylines she sat through. I’ve already made a promise to myself that I will never shush my boys because I’m busy doing nothing useful.

He wants to talk to you, not get you to run a marathon - Does winding down really require silence? My twins are still in the pre-verbal screeching phase, I can’t bloody wait until they can talk to me!

IsaidMrDarcynotArsey · 02/05/2018 22:55

Not selfish at all. From experience though it doesn’t last very long - enjoy it before ‘the dark years’ set in. Although I understand you feel like it’s squeezing the last pips of your giving genes, it’s worth the effort in the long run. Pretty soon you find yourself shacked up with at best Kevin and Perry and you’ll be longing for the halcyon chatty times.

NutCase82 · 02/05/2018 22:55

I hope I never feel this way about my child. Yea, the odd time things are stressy and i just need a minute but really? I'd be gutted if my mother felt this way and I can never imagine me to ever feel this about my child.

GothMummy · 02/05/2018 22:57

Oh no, I feel really sorry for the OP. My son is the same. He starts to get chatty at 9pm, by which time Im totally exhausted. My day starts at 5am and I'm at work 5 days a week like most people are, by 9pm once chores are done and children are collected from various activities I have nothing left to give and just want to lie down.

PyongyangKipperbang · 02/05/2018 23:01

I get it, totally get it.

Perhaps those that dont have either not got teens or have ones that actually respect your need for half an hour peace and quiet.

I ask, I try to start conversations, I want to talk and spend time with them. But if its ok for them to shut themselves off and be antisocial to de-stress, why isnt it ok for me to do the same FFS?!

PurplePumpkinPiss · 02/05/2018 23:01

I used to witter on to my dm still do at 40 while she was cooking dinner. I'd go in and tell her all about my boring day!

But my dm used to go to bed every night at 8.30. She now stays up way later that we've all left home 😂

HeebieJeebies456 · 02/05/2018 23:04

I think some of the problem is that he is so into his video games he doesn't know what to do when he is not playing them (no video games after dinner rule).

why are you doing all the chores yourself and allowing him to develop this unbalanced habit?
he's old enough to take on chores/do them with you.........he'll learn important lifeskills and can chat at the same time.
Then you can both enjoy solitary wind down time before bed

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 02/05/2018 23:04

Your not unreasonable but I guess it is one of those things that you can't change. My kids are older now but my son always seemed to want to sit and chat when I wanted to relax. But I just went with the flow. Now he is in uni and I miss him so much. In other words I miss him more than I missed the "me time" when he wanted to chat.

theeyeofthestormchaser · 02/05/2018 23:08

Ha ha, I wonder how many people who posted criticising the op actually have teenage dc??

My teen dd is just the same. Goes to her room to decompress and do homework when she gets in from school, I do tea, housework, tidy up, my own work, then sit down about 8 - and then dd appears, all lovely and ready to chat!

I know I should be grateful she wants to talk to me.
But i’m up at 6.30 and work through til 6.30, plus housework, cooking etc.

So by 8.30, I am tired!

So, op, I understand you. Could you chat to your dc about chilling out with you earlier? Could you watch tv together and snuggle up?

I bet mums in the 1970s didn’t worry about being available to their dc 24/7!

JanJan71 · 02/05/2018 23:12

Sod the chores and leave them they can't wait! Enjoy your child.

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