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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want my space in the evening?

111 replies

cakedup · 02/05/2018 21:55

I do feel a bit bad having just snapped at DS(13) but the thing is, after a day at work, then coming home to clean and cook, eventually only sitting down at 9pm, I just don't want to interact. I just to wind down on the laptop with some peace and quiet.

There are opportunities for DS to speak to me earlier on in the afternoon. Sometimes he does, mostly he chooses to play on his ps4. However, we do eat together. Sometimes he is chatty, sometimes I literally get a few grunts so don't bother. Today we took the bus to the dentist. He barely said a word there and back.

Then 9pm, I sit down and it's chit chat this and chit chat that. I wish I could have unlimited patience and be that mum who always has time for their child. But I have my needs and limits. I need to wind down at the end of my day. AIBU?

OP posts:

adaline · 03/05/2018 11:09

I still don't see how that takes 2-3 hours a night, every night I'm afraid. OP doesn't have several small children at home - he's a teenager who can help with the housework. All teenagers are capable of running the hoover around, sorting the laundry, loading or unloading the dishwasher and cooking a basic meal.

I don't see how a grown adult and a teenager who are both out of the house all day, make enough mess to require two hours of daily housework.

PersianCatLady · 03/05/2018 11:13

After spending quite a bit of time in a secondary school as experience before I start teacher training, I was surprised at the number of kids who were really tired and struggling to stay awake in some cases.

Now I see why, one post says that year 8 children are still up past 10pm.

Everybody has to do what is right For their family but if k8ds are still downstairs at 10pm, what time do they actually get to sleep At?

JaneJeffer · 03/05/2018 11:29

If you were doing something at work and one of your colleagues came along and started chatting would you tell them you didn't have time?

I think people sometimes prioritise the wrong relationships.

Bexter801 · 03/05/2018 11:35

@BuntyII he's nearly 17 😕

adaline · 03/05/2018 11:46

If you were doing something at work and one of your colleagues came along and started chatting would you tell them you didn't have time?

Yes, of course. And I frequently do!

Their desire to talk to me doesn't trump my desire to do whatever it is I'm doing at the time. If it's vital or important, of course I'll stop and listen, but if they just want to talk for the sake of it, I'll tell them I'm busy or need to concentrate on what I'm doing.

JaneJeffer · 03/05/2018 11:48

Sorry I meant to direct that question to the OP.

Original poster

cakedup · 03/05/2018 23:20

Thanks for your responses (some more than others!).

Some people are going on like I never spend time with DS! We spend a lot of time together and there are plenty of opportunities to chat. We spend every weekend together. There is no father in the picture so all his interaction with a parent is with me. I work term time only and spend all school holidays with him! He is severely dyslexic so even homework we do together. We live in a small flat so when I'm cleaning it's not like I'm two floors up. Literally footsteps away and we chat in between! So please don't feel bad for my DS - he gets a lot of my time and attention.

I must admit the posts who understand my position and are of the opinion that it is ok for parents to not always be available to children are coming across a lot more balanced to be honest.

I'm sure the overly critical people are the same ones who would be quick to condemn a parent asking AIBU to feel like my mental health is suffering because all I do is make sure everyone else is ok and never look after my own needs? Would you then criticise them for not looking after their own well being, accuse them of being a martyr and bad example to their children?

Re the housework thing... Mondays I don't clean because I take DS to a club til quite late. Fridays I don't clean because I work a bit later and my mum comes over. So between Tues, Weds, Thurs, I hoover daily (2 indoor cats), clean each room (dust/polish) do laundry, cook and wash up (no dishwasher). DS is happy to help out and often does, in fact he asks to. Also during these 3 days I do the grocery shopping and try to go to the gym once. Saturday me and DS spend the day together, out and about, visiting friends/family, or I'll take him and a friend swimming or something. Sunday I clean the cat litter tray, the bath and hoover/mop the floors and DS likes to stay at home 'chilling'.

Also, the whole "you'll miss it one day" is a pet hate of mine, sorry. Do I miss DS having screaming toddler tantrums? No. Do I miss having to watch episodes and constantly read stories about Thomas the fucking dull Tank engine? No (I mean I look back on it with fondness but I'm glad that obsession is over!!). Do I miss DS being clingy and crying I leave the room? No. Do I miss him waking up 8 times every night for several years? God no. I don't have to love everything about being a parent. I love DS and I love him for what he is today, even with all the difficult parts but don't think it's the difficult bits that I'll miss especially? I have my own life and I am not going to be one of those clingy overbearing parents who bother him when he is at uni trying to have fun by reminding him he hasn't called me in 3 days.

Sorry , I am babbling on a bit but knackered. Think you get the gist.

OP posts:

Original poster

cakedup · 03/05/2018 23:24

By the way I apologised for snapping last night (to which he replied, "did you??") and I will take on board some of what I've read. For example, DS really enjoys Supernanny so thinking we could watch it together in the evenings sometimes when I don't have the energy to talk.

OP posts:

Original poster

cakedup · 03/05/2018 23:26

If you were doing something at work and one of your colleagues came along and started chatting would you tell them you didn't have time? Er yes. It's called prioritising my work load e.g. "I must send this email before the shit hits the fan but I'll come and talk to you in a bit."

OP posts:

taratill · 03/05/2018 23:46

Op I definitely have sympathy. My circumstances are slightly different, my son is younger 12 but I have him full time as he can't be educated at school due to ASD and other needs which means I am rarely physically away from him. I desperately need down time but my daughter needs me after school. It is very very difficult and I fear I do snap (because I'm human) sometimes.

I do do my best though and I know that.

pallisers · 04/05/2018 01:51

For example, DS really enjoys Supernanny so thinking we could watch it together in the evenings sometimes when I don't have the energy to talk.

We got through a few years as a family with teens by watching 30 mins of Modern Family together every evening after homework/dinner/housework and before we went to bed.

Best of luck OP. you sound great. The teen years aren't for the faint of heart. Also love your "you'll miss it one day" rant - so so true.

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