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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want my space in the evening?

111 replies

cakedup · 02/05/2018 21:55

I do feel a bit bad having just snapped at DS(13) but the thing is, after a day at work, then coming home to clean and cook, eventually only sitting down at 9pm, I just don't want to interact. I just to wind down on the laptop with some peace and quiet.

There are opportunities for DS to speak to me earlier on in the afternoon. Sometimes he does, mostly he chooses to play on his ps4. However, we do eat together. Sometimes he is chatty, sometimes I literally get a few grunts so don't bother. Today we took the bus to the dentist. He barely said a word there and back.

Then 9pm, I sit down and it's chit chat this and chit chat that. I wish I could have unlimited patience and be that mum who always has time for their child. But I have my needs and limits. I need to wind down at the end of my day. AIBU?

OP posts:

Iggiattheend · 02/05/2018 23:13

That's a hell of a lot of housework to do every day.

AjasLipstick · 02/05/2018 23:13

OP my 13 year old Dd does the same. I think what it is is that they wait till they see us being still...and calm. Then think "Ah! Mum's not busy now!"

Bless them. It does my head in but I always make sure to chat to DD...at 13 they bloody need it! I also go into her room earlier and sit on the bed...offering myself up as it were. Sometimes that works and she will take the chance. Other times she's uncommunicative.

theeyeofthestormchaser · 02/05/2018 23:14

Sounds like your dc need to spend less time on the PS or Xbox too! Then they can help with chores so you can chat to them earlier in the evening...

pollypebble · 02/05/2018 23:14

Tammy how do you know your mum wasn't thinking about soap plot lines on her death bed. Sorry but she had an absolute right to watch telly and shut off from everyday responsibilities. You really think your mum thought on her deathbed " I should have talked more in the late evening to my daughter."? Really? Give mums a break, they bring you in ti the world, feed you, etc can they not watch a soap?????

timeisnotaline · 02/05/2018 23:16

If you think it’s about video games try a new family rule - no video games Tuesday and Thursday?

Ofthread · 02/05/2018 23:20

Can’t understand the , most people need their own space. Go into a private room and call it ‘meditation’, or even do meditation! Keep social spaces social. Also, can DS help with jobs in the evening?

GrooovyLass · 02/05/2018 23:22

He doesn't want to talk to you earlier because that's when his screen time is. No screen time after dinner means that's when he wants to talk to you.

Cherish the time together. Surely chatting to your child isn't such a chore? I say that as someone with an autistic 18yo who can waffle for hours about her special interests. I've mastered the art of making the right noises in the right places while keeping one eye on Corrie!

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 02/05/2018 23:24

DD always wants to talk when she's in bed. Tonight it was about her favourite Pokemon card. She has 2 hours including the walk to school in the morning, and 6 hours from coming out of school until bedtime, why does she wait until it's time to sleep?

76mum · 02/05/2018 23:32

I agree I also need space in the evening. My OH doesn't always understand that I might be after finally getting stuff done ready for next day and kids to bed etc but I need an hour to myself to watch mindless crap tv and unwind.

I find school holidays a nightmare as I can't tell my 10 year old to go to bed as he's in holiday so I can't relax or have to watch a 'family' film.

We spend most Friday & sat nights together relaxing in the evening, but Mon to Thurs is my time. And my son like yours only chats and tells me everything's 9.15 when his bed time in 9pm.

Medwaymumoffour · 02/05/2018 23:33

My 14 year old only wants to really talk on the way home in the car or after midnight. It’s not every night so I will talk away for a hour before declaring it’s my bed time. Thankfully when my teen has a strong train of thought he mostly lectures me on his topic ( borderline asd so I’m not allowed to interrupt if his on pet topic) or I divert him to watching a documentary which we can have better two way conversations on. That’s a winner as it’s my ‘goto’ Wind down tv anyway.

He doesn’t really talk about his worries or feelings anymore which I miss, but we keep lines of communication open.

Don’t beat yourself up though. If there isnt enough guilt and pressure as a parent without feeling guilty you don’t carve up yourself and give every last fibre of your being to others. Fuck that, you can’t pour from a empty jug. If you do you will burn out.

First discovery of parenting. You can’t be all things to all people. You do the best you can when you can

StoneStripes · 02/05/2018 23:43

Laughing at whoever said on page 1 you should be "grateful" your son wants to talk to you. Just what planet ?!

I find my teenage son wants to talk to me at various times after school. I'm open to this up till about 9 p.m. - just like you OP! Then it gets tiring, I'm tired, I don't want to talk, or even listen - at least usually. I WANT MY SPACE in other words.

Send him to bed. 9 p.m. is a perfect cut off time. Tell him he can read in bed for a while if he wants. You have some reading/organising stuff to do.

Job done.

GnotherGnu · 02/05/2018 23:45

Why are you doing so much cleaning and housework every evening, particularly if both of you are out all day?

StoneStripes · 02/05/2018 23:45

And to the earlier poster who gives the excuse of screen time, well no screen time straight after school then if you want to talk to your parents! Parents just seem so incredibly wet these days, and its damaging their relationships with their children (ironically).

leggere · 02/05/2018 23:50

Tammy sorry but you sound selfish and high maintenance. And to feel "hurt" years later about your mum watching soaps after a long difficult day, is ridiculous! OP, Purple's mum had the right idea. Go to bed at 8.30!

Petitepamplemousse · 02/05/2018 23:51

Ah I actually think it’s a shame not to want to chat with your own child.

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/05/2018 00:27

Ah I actually think it’s a shame not to want to chat with your own child.

Who said they dont want to chat with their own child? Show me where.

The issue isnt the chatting, its the timing. Their day ends, they chill out, de-stress and then are ready to chat. Same for us. Except our day ends several hours after theirs so we are ready for chilling ou tat the same time they want to chat. No one is wrong, its just bad timing.

DD1 is at uni. I love her very much and miss her desperately. But she always, always rings when I am either cooking dinner when I cant really chat or when I have just got rid of everyone and am ready for half an hour watching MAS*H (so shoot me, I love it!). I chat, I listen and then when we ring off I have to go to bed. I could give more of myself to her if she would just ring half and hour earlier when the others are all up and driving me mad, but she invariably forgets as she has been off doing other stuff! And yes, before you say it, I do ring her but she is invariably busy and says she will ring me back.

TammySwansonTwo · 03/05/2018 00:36

leggere well that shows what you know. This “high maintenance” daughter quit her job and became her terminally ill mother’s carer for close to two years. Maybe avoid making judgements when you have almost no information?

I spoke to my Mum a lot in the months before she died - most hours of most days in fact, until she couldn’t speak any more. She expressed a lot of regrets about her life, as I’m sure we all will do (I have many already). So I absolutely know that she regretted not spending more time with us, because she told me, and I’m 99.9% sure that the plot of years of Coronation Street wasn’t foremost in her mind.

I’m not saying OP can’t watch bloody soaps or whatever she wants, I was trying to convey how hurtful it can be when your parent prioritises “winding down” over discussion with you, especially if you don’t get much of a chance to talk to them. I was a young girl going through some really difficult things, and of course it hurt that she didn’t want to talk to me.

MakeItStopNeville · 03/05/2018 00:47

This OP genuinely made me feel sad....and not trying to make you feel bad at all! Teenagers interact on their own schedule sometimes, but please don't ignore him. I know it's 9pm and you're tired and you'd rather be zoning out but, I promise you, you'll have a much better relationship in the future if you engage in these conversations and, ultimately, you'll come to love them.

SukiPutTheEarlGreyOn · 03/05/2018 01:03

It’s natural to want to have time to yourself, especially as there seems to be ample time when you’re together and available. It changes a bit in their teens in that we’re not expected to be ‘on call’ and ‘on alert’ with no downtime. Mine seem to work on a different time frame to me, I just start to wind down and they suddenly seem to get chatty. Mostly it’s possible to muster the energy to engage fully but sometimes, when tired, it’s the parent equivalent of smile and wave. Not ideal, just human.

CalF123 · 03/05/2018 01:09

YABVVVU

You sound nasty tbh. Plenty of parents would love to have a 13 year old son who wants to talk to them.

Amomentofbeauty · 03/05/2018 01:15

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I have the same with my teens. Which is why I'm up at this godforsaken hour having time where no one wants anything from me. It's like I'm being chipped away at sometimes. I didn't realise how much of an introvert I am until I had children.

I find I've mentally switched off by about 8/9. If they re-appear then, after me being fully available for chats all day, I find it really, really difficult.

Amomentofbeauty · 03/05/2018 01:20

Also, my Mum never spent anywhere near the amount of time I spend with my children and I was fine with that. I doubt her or her friends ever gave it a second thought. This Mum guilt we have heaped on our shoulders by other women is ridiculous.

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/05/2018 01:23

You sound nasty tbh. Plenty of parents would love to have a 13 year old son who wants to talk to them.

Probably going to get shit for this but this kind of comment really pisses me off.

If someone else has a broken leg does that make my sprained ankle less painful?

thefairyfellersmasterstroke · 03/05/2018 01:31

I get it, OP, I'm in a similar position now that my teen DC no longer go to their DF every weekend.

Yes, it's nice that they want to chat, not always so nice if all they want to talk about is their game, their scores etc, which I struggle to feign interest in, even when alert.

What we do is, twice a week we have designated "me" nights, when we each just do our own thing, separate rooms if necessary, headhpones if necessary, go to bed and read a book, have an early night, etc. So when I'm listening to gaming tales, or helping with homework when I'm frazzled, I tell myself, it'll soon be Thursday and I'll have an evening to myself, mentally at least.

Monty27 · 03/05/2018 01:33

OP don't listen to that negative twaddle. Each to their own

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