To get annoyed at DH for deleting all his messages/emails/anything constantly?

[TwittleBee]

I've been with DH for nearly 2 years now and his constant wiping of messages/emails etc is so infuriating!

He says now he can’t keep anything on his devices because it makes him “itchy” knowing stuff is sitting there.

But his constant deletions have caused us to lose vital pieces of evidence (can’t go into too much detail as it will “Out” but also isn’t really relevant to the post) or just general important bits of information.

I’ve started asking him to forward me anything important (or thinks might be important) now to offer a solution to him deleting stuff.

Perhaps I am just being a data hoarder but I don’t think I am though as I do delete unimportant stuff too!

Anyway round this or do I just have to be keeper of messages/emails etc for him?

My DH is a bloody nightmare. He deletes everything, and we've lost holiday bookings/ticket bookings, he drives me utterly mad. I never use his email address for anything anymore!

He should have to deal with the consequences! Forget to meet a friend? His fault. Make sure you have info re meeting your own friends. Not sure what his mother wanted or when? he has to call her and find out; she bugs him that she texted him already. Miss GP appointment? Embarrassment must go to him. Miss flight because you didn't read email to check in online? ummm ... do you want to live like this?

DO NOT step in and be the organiser. It will never end. He will be absolved forever of all travel planning, social coordinating, homework, organising for school, dc birthdays, council parking, car registration, and every other annoying thing forever.

I have no idea how many unread emails I have (too scared to look), and I wish I could do "delete all" on my phone as it drives me mad trying to find the 1s I need to reference (usually forgotten username lol), and usually give up and just keep trying all the usernames I normally use with different passwords until I get it.

can't stand a cluttered email account (or texts for that matter).
xx

I'd rather be the organiser than have to deal with a load of consequences or having lack of evidence though and be caught it sticky situations...

I don't like things sat in my In Box so I drag things I may need later into separate folders. Then every few months I delete out of the folders anything no longer required.

""when did your mum say for us to get over and what does she want to bring?" And he's like "oh I can't remember and I deleted the text""

"Oh, you'll have to call her and ask her again then."

...and then do literally nothing further on it, even if it means you don't go or turn up without anything. He's merrily deleting it all because he knows YOU will pick up the pieces.

@TwittleBee so what does he do when it transpires he's deleted something important? Is he apologetic, does he find solutions, does he deal with it, or does he just ignore it, brush it off as "well I delete emails" and leave you to deal with it?

Honestly I couldn't understand that mindset at all; it's basically a complete refusal to take responsibility for anything, ever.

My stbx wife was like this,
Up until we needed to do a visa application (for her) and a lot of stuff that would've counted as evidence (eg, email invoices of joint purchases, hotel bookings and general stuff like that) was gone as she'd deleted it. I had stuff (gifts I'd bought her mainly) on mine but she had very little... we had to work 100x harder to strengthen the application in other ways, whereas an hour or so sorting through emails would've otherwise sufficed.
I can't stand it.

allertse He apologises and sorts it but with a few of the things they have been really important pieces of evidence that caused issues for both of us so naturally we work on resolving it together. He does take responsibility though, he is the one who sorts out all our bills etc.

I delete all stuff too. It's therapeutic and like having a good declutter

@TwittleBee so is it that he doesn't learn? Or he thinks the hassle of sorting it is worth it?

@lemonsunshine this sounds more akin to throwing away everything you own than de-cluttering!

How are inboxes 'cluttered up'? 😯

I have a Yahoo email account with every email I received for the last ten or fifteen years. It has never even occurred to me to delete anything. Same with my gmail account, which is newer, but still has all the emails I ever got to it and to my ISP email account which is directed to the gmail one. They're not on your hard drive, they're sitting on a server somewhere and doing you no harm.

If you read and save literally NOTHING, then it sounds less like decluttering and more like
"Do you want to be responsible for...NOPE." Delete all responsibility

allertse he doesn't learn! I shall have a talk about it with him tonight.

I'd rather be the organiser than have to deal with a load of consequences or having lack of evidence though and be caught it sticky situations...

Please listen to this post OP:

DO NOT step in and be the organiser. It will never end. He will be absolved forever of all travel planning, social coordinating, homework, organising for school, dc birthdays, council parking, car registration, and every other annoying thing forever.

If you are in denial, please believe that this has been my mum's life for 50 years. At the start she was in love, now she's just exhausted and pissed off.

PPs saying they're just like him, if you file important stuff, then you're not like him at all. You just delete unimportant stuff.

OP, you've only been together 2 years and this already exasperates you, I suspect after 10 years of this, you'll be filing for divorce.

He apologises and sorts it but with a few of the things they have been really important pieces of evidence that caused issues for both of us so naturally we work on resolving it together.

Not 'naturally' at all. If he fucks up, he resolves it himself because he's the one who caused the problem. If he doesn't take full responsibility and you help fix the consequences he's inconvenienced enough to learn not to do it.

That should say ^ hes not inconvenienced enough

It sounds like slightly obsessive behaviour, particularly the need to permanently delete emails from the bin. I suspect that however much it inconveniences him he will never change without some help. You probably have to accept and manage it or get him to see someone who can help sort out the obsessive behaviour.

RidingWindhorses But he is the one who organises social stuff, bills, anything council related etc. He actually is really good with these things, probably because bills are sorted online through a portal rather than personal emails.

I have no worries about my DH's actual levels of responsibility. I was just looking for advice or understanding on why he deletes everything and doesn't want to file anything.

Anyway I'll have a proper chat about it tonight.

Not exactly happy with passing judgements of my actual love life or how it will end up. Bit unnecessary imo but then this is the AIBU board I guess.

RidingWindhorses for us it is natural to work on an issue together though because we are a team.

Some counci stuff can be done on their website, but some things are done by email. Bill, aside from online accounts and direct debits etc, you still receive emails regarding bills, useage, rate changes etc.

Social life cannot be organised without emails. A barbecue a week away - fine he deletes - a holiday with friends next year - if he has no details then what? No hotel booking confirmation.No boarding pass emails to print out etc.

You've said it's already caused problems that you've had to step in to fix.

On the evidence I'd say his responsibility level is patchy. Parts are fine, parts are sub-standard.

Assuming you're older than 20, he was a functional adult before you got together. I'd treat him as such.

What time we going to your mums?
Oh I dunno, I deleted the text
Ok well let me know when you know!

Babe I can't find the x, y, z blah blah blah email / text
Thats a shame, I'm sure you'll sort it out

If it relates to joint anything then give out your email address as well as his because it's about you both.

If you're a 'team' why does he keep deleting things you both need and causing you hassle? That's not what team players do - they consider their other members.

These things take much more effort to resolve than the minute effort of saving important things in a file at the time.

You sound very young OP.

I find it very odd that someone constantly deletes emails and never keeps any. I have emails going back 10 years. (Like two hundred or so....)

However, WHY would anyone have 81,000 UNREAD emails?

All I can think of is it's a throwaway email that someone uses for various message forums, and they log into it once a year.

No way would someone's regular email that they use all the time, have 81,000 unread emails in it.

@GorgonLondon

Completely off topic but you've been together two years and you're married already?

I thought that too. But whenever I say something like that, a bunch of people come on and say.........

'married within 6 months here..... still together after 33 years.'

'my parents married within 19 days..... still together 57 years later....'

Most couples I know don't get married for at LEAST 4 or 5 years - not in the 21st century...

As I said, yeah it is odd to delete everything (especially very recent stuff,) and I'm afraid I would be suspicious if my DH deleted everything. I mean why???

If I had a DH or DP who deleted everything, I would think they were hiding something. I mean delete shit you don't need anymore, but no way does anyone have NOTHING that they need to keep, and no way does anyone need to delete stuff as soon as they get it. Very odd IMO.

@RidingWindHorses

you sound very young OP.

Probably one of the most patronising and condescending things anyone can say.