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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel shame around my status as a single parent with two children with two different dads

89 replies

Wadingthroughshit · 02/05/2018 09:38

Hi all.
That’s it really. I have two children, 3 & 7, from two relationships (one 6 six years, one 3 years). I am studying a Masters degree. We live in a small village just outside a central city. My son goes to a lovely school and my youngest to a lovely nursery. I have friends I’ve made through uni (I’ve done diploma, undergraduate, and masters consecutively since my eldest was 2/3). I joined the parent council in a bid to make friends in my village, but I feel such shame around my situation, I haven’t been able to attend any meetings yet, I’ve only managed a few messages In the group chat.
I do not and absolutely would not judge others in a similar situation, but I do myself. I think it’s also that I’m renting and not yet working. I feel a bit left out in the world, I’m 30 and not where I’d like to be!
One of my friends said to me that I wouldn’t wish to be friends with anyone who judged me...
I guess I’m not sure what I’m looking for here. I’m feeling quite overwhelmed, it is exam session so it may be that! I just feel if I had more confidence i could be a better mother for my children as they’d have people over. Whenever we are together I always plan days out for us, I’m never sitting In the house scared to go out.

OP posts:
PoisonousSmurf · 02/05/2018 09:44

You are trying to better yourself and provide a stable home for your children. You have nothing to worry about being 'judged'. If anyone does, then it's their problem NOT yours! Flowers

bookmum08 · 02/05/2018 09:44

Other people will only know about your children's Dads or your rental and job situation if you tell them. 95% of the time they won't really care. The fact you have two children and all that education by the age of 30 is bloody amazing!! You should be proud.

Original poster
Wadingthroughshit · 02/05/2018 09:46

Oh my thread isn’t clear and I apologise, I’m usually quite good at articulating...I think it’s just about a feeling of inferiority. I have just come out of another relationship which lasted 18 months. He made all these big promises about marriage and houses and joint families ... then was sexually abusive.
But had it not been for my feelings around shame and guilt and being inferior I may have been able to leave sooner, or put up with less.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wadingthroughshit · 02/05/2018 09:46

Oh I just saw your replies...thank you so much , I have tears in my eyes Flowers !!

OP posts:
The80sweregreat · 02/05/2018 09:47

Why does anyone need to know? you havent been there that long, just let people assume they have the same dad, what does it matter?
you sound a great mum - if anyone judges thats up to them, its not as if your set up is odd or weird - lots of people have children with different dads, a family member of mine does and nobody says anything about it- her first ' dh' was an abusive drinker, only my dad had a problem with it but he is very old and very old fashioned, most people are not like him, they generally do not care i think!
good luck with the exams, concentrate on them.

RBBMummy · 02/05/2018 09:49

Being a married mum with 2 kids to the same dad is easier. Show your kids you're proud of your achievements. You've earnt it.

jimijack · 02/05/2018 09:50

Really!!! Shame...Really!!? Naaa, why do you give a fiddlers fart what ANY one who does not pay your bills, do your washing or contribute in any way to your every day life thinks about anything?

I don't get it.

Fuck um, fuck um all.

The80sweregreat · 02/05/2018 09:50

Everyone feels a bit inferior at times - i dont these days as much as i am older and wiser and learnt not to care as much, but we all have our bad days i guess, try not to let it get you down.
your doing some heavy exams and studying on top of looking after two young children, most people would be in awe of you - i am, but then i was never that academic myself. hold your head up, your doing well and a good role model for your children. your ex isnt sitting at home worried i bet! men never feel the same guilt.

Branleuse · 02/05/2018 09:52

try having the compassion you have for other people and applying it to yourself.

I've got kids from two different dad's.
my brother has a different dad to me.
I had no idea this was still seen as shameful?

Babdoc · 02/05/2018 09:54

I think you’re trying to find sticks to beat yourself with. You’re a successful, well educated mother - I’m interested to know why you aren’t proud of yourself and celebrating your achievements? Are you depressed or suffering low self esteem, and feeling the need to sabotage yourself by manufacturing a sense of shame and inadequacy over something that doesn’t matter at all? I doubt any normal person has been judgmental about single mothers for decades! And even then, the judging was often more to do with the particular mother’s lifestyle or neglect of her kids while spending money on drink and cigarettes, rather than single parenthood per se.
Please have a think about why you are putting yourself down like this. You’re expecting people to despise you, and putting words in their mouths that would never be there.
Give yourself some positive encouragement, be proud, and go out there and get a life - you deserve it!

Takfujuimoto · 02/05/2018 09:58

So you're a single parent which is incredibly hard and have two lovely children and you are trying to better your education and your life, were able to finish an abusive relationship and are able to provide a roof over your children's head and put food on the table?
I have been married for over a decade and have three children with the same man and
You have all of my respect and no judgement.

Please don't put any credence to perceived judgement from others and never feel guilty or shamed by how your life has turned out so far, I think you're great!

Gingernutsandtea · 02/05/2018 10:00

OP
What's there to be ashamed of?. Seriously.
There's no need to feel inferior because you're on your own, you should feel proud of yourself for taking your children away from an abusive relationship! ... I did just the same as you and I'm proud of myself, why wouldn't I be?

The80sweregreat · 02/05/2018 10:04

is it a very ' inclusive' type of village? i lived in a small place for a while with Dh's job and the judging that went on because he wasnt on a six figure salary and the children went to the local school and not the posher one in the next village was breathtaking. Hoping they are not like this! ( even if they are, just ignore)

Gottagetmoving · 02/05/2018 10:11

You sound brilliant!... Replace that feeling of shame with pride because you deserve to!
There's no shame in being a mum who is dedicated to loving and supporting her children.

GreenStars · 02/05/2018 10:13

You shouldn't be at all ashamed, sounds like you've had some bad luck with relationships but you're doing you're best by your kids. I wouldn't judge you at all.

Someone who is still studying at 30 I would be a bit Hmm at but mainly because I never understand the need for anything past a regular undergrad unless it's a specific job entry requirement.

Original poster
Wadingthroughshit · 02/05/2018 10:15

Just driving ... will reply ASAP !

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 02/05/2018 10:17

Having kids from different relationships is pretty normal I think. You’ve got zero to be ashamed of!

Somehow you’ve seeped up this idea of shame from somewhere/someone - the culture, or someone toxic in your past - so it’s good to name the feeling, bring it out into the open, see it’s lack of truth and value and then release it. Because it’s bollocks Smile

You sound amazing. You should be so proud of your achievements.

Guilt is something everyone does when they reflect (sometimes) but shame is always given to us by others somehow. You don’t need to feel it anymore. You sound like a bit of a star.

Viviennemary · 02/05/2018 10:18

Your situation is nobody's business but your own. Everyone can find something to be ashamed of or they would rather change.

The80sweregreat · 02/05/2018 10:22

vivienne, thats so true, i have done things i really regret and wish i could turn back time. i know people that have done some really horrible things as well.
i agree that someone is possibly making you feel this way? parents or friends or something? you cant change this, you;ve made positive choices - good for you.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 02/05/2018 10:31

Eh? It's not Victorian times! Unless it's an Amish village nobody will think twice about it.

Solo · 02/05/2018 10:33

You aren't the only Mum with 2 kids having different fathers; I have too. I've never felt shame about that fact. Maybe if there were 5 kids under 5 all with different dads...Yes, I'd feel shame and embarrassment but, if I was in that situation, I'd likely be a different type of person and wouldn't give a hoot.

You have a good education, you're making an effort to be involved with the local village people (school council) and so what if you rent and haven't yet found a job - you will! Hold your head up. Take a break from men. Get a job and carry on loving your kids.

The80sweregreat · 02/05/2018 10:33

People will judge you whoever you are or what ever you do in life. once you realise this you start to care a bit less.

bluejelly · 02/05/2018 10:35

I'm part of a blended family we have 4 different surnames between us.
You have nothing whatsoever to be ashamed of - be proud of what you have achieved and what you represent - a strong woman who doesn't stay in bad relationships for the sake of it.
I'm sorry your ex was an abusive arse.

Joanna57 · 02/05/2018 10:38

You are being rather over dramatic.

Tis the norm these days to have numerous kids with different sperm donators.

You only need to look at female 'celebrities' to see it is the norm.

I've just had a mental count of the women I know that have only ONE father for their kids - I struggled, to be fair.

Enjoy your kids, enjoy your life, and chill out.

I have 3 kids with one man, but I really really wish that he wasn't their father.

Tinkobell · 02/05/2018 10:41

Wow. You sound awesome. A great mother and a great role model for her kids. Life's not fair or easy but you sound like someone who's not sitting back but trying to make it happen. Just carry on and focus on doing what you're doing. Your actions speak so much more loudly than any preconceptions others may have.
Best of luck with your studies!