To feel shame around my status as a single parent with two children with two different dads

[Wadingthroughshit]

Hi all.
That’s it really. I have two children, 3 & 7, from two relationships (one 6 six years, one 3 years). I am studying a Masters degree. We live in a small village just outside a central city. My son goes to a lovely school and my youngest to a lovely nursery. I have friends I’ve made through uni (I’ve done diploma, undergraduate, and masters consecutively since my eldest was 2/3). I joined the parent council in a bid to make friends in my village, but I feel such shame around my situation, I haven’t been able to attend any meetings yet, I’ve only managed a few messages In the group chat.
I do not and absolutely would not judge others in a similar situation, but I do myself. I think it’s also that I’m renting and not yet working. I feel a bit left out in the world, I’m 30 and not where I’d like to be!
One of my friends said to me that I wouldn’t wish to be friends with anyone who judged me...
I guess I’m not sure what I’m looking for here. I’m feeling quite overwhelmed, it is exam session so it may be that! I just feel if I had more confidence i could be a better mother for my children as they’d have people over. Whenever we are together I always plan days out for us, I’m never sitting In the house scared to go out.

I think the problem here is that you are judging yourself and only taking into account what you think you have done wrong, not giving yourself enough credit for the many, many things you have done that are good and positive.

Judge yourself for being a loving, supportive, intelligent hard working woman who is giving her DC a happy, structured family life in circumstances that were not of your choice and be proud.

none of this was the plan and you have dealt with it - good for you. and good also on raising your standards and dumping the abusive loser.

never heard of shame about renting except on mn. utter nonsense.

By the way, don't hide yourself or act apologetic, what you are doing is majorly impressive!

Please don't feel ashamed. You should be so proud of yourself and what you are doing. Raising 2 kids is hard work! Who cares that they have different fathers? I think it's only very old-fashioned people who look critically on that these days. Everyone knows that there are all kinds of circumstances where a relationship just doesn't work out for some reason. As long as your kids are happy, that's all that matters.

I suspect that the stigma is far more in your own head than it is in other people's!

I know a woman with 5 children by three different fathers. A fantastic mother with wonderfully brought up kids she is rightly proud of. I don't see that the number of fathers is an issue. I also know still married women with only one father to their offspring who could learn a lot from her. You sound great btw.

There are so so many good replies , and I’m sitting with my youngest in the car waiting to go into soft play, so I can’t go through names.
The comment about shame being given really struck a cord, I’d never thought of that before.
The village is a bit oh la la...
actually really helpful to check in with reality on this tread.
I suffer depressive episodes, so I do tend to eat myself up a lot for not feeling “enough” ... perhaps its far more to do with that.
My last relationship my ex told me I was a drain on society, that I “fuck about at uni” ... my children’s dads see no value in it either, although Dad of my youngest did help drop his working days when he was a baby.

I did my undergrad in social sciences, I wanted to do a masters for the vocational element, it is accredited with work placements too.

Thank you for the reality check. These feelings aren’t helping anyone,and it’s good to know, no one really gives a fuck

Yabu. You have no need to feel ashamed. Sometimes relationships work out, sometimes they don't. You are providing for your children and doing something for yourself. Good luck for the future.

I am one of three children-we all have different dads. Not one of us cares, it made no difference to how we felt about each other(we don’t refer to each other as half siblings at all) or about our Mum. Care about what your kids think, and I am sure they think you are a great mum providing for them.

It really does not matter, my aunt had three kids by the same man and he still upped and left her and has not seen or paid for his three boys since. For how it left her, she might as well have gone and had different dads instead of trying to made a crap relationship work.

I bet if you drill down into the lives of the people that live in the village, a lot have skeletons in the cupboard, much much worse than you think your situation is at least.
Where i lived many moons ago, there was a lady who had two boys with different dads - her mum took a while to get to grips with it all ( but was fantastic with the kids) and one relative left her off the guest list to a party ' because of her lifestyle!' - she found it amusing, but the kids could go along! just hoping that things are different now - i;m sure you will be fine. just dont say too much to anyone, air of mystery is always good too.

OP anyone who judges you is a twat and really not worth knowing. Some people will judge no matter what; you could live in a 6 bedroom house with a husband of 30 years and some people would find fault with you - some people are just like that. Hold your head high. Be proud of your achievements and your children. You are doing amazingly

Ugh it annoys me when women feel like this yet not a thing would be said to man with different mothers to his children.

My exH used to say anyone with kids to different dad's were slappers etc no matter what the circumstances.

I disagreed because no one knows what life will bring.

Continue being a fantastic mum no matter what.

Men are the worst i find, they have this ' do as i say, not as i do ' attitude.

I think you're being very unfair on yourself. Being 30 with two children is not going to endow you with a scarlet letter on your head! It is normal for a late-twenties to early-thirties woman to have had at least two significant long-term relationships, and it is normal for relationships to produce children.

Your situation isn't unusual at all.

One of my friends from high school had two kids to two different dads. It never really registered to any of us, the only thing we ever thought of her was how much of an amazing mum she was. She worked in a supermarket and worked incredibly hard for her kids and every penny she had went on things for the house and for them. She was a lovely woman and I don't think anyone judged her as she was a fantastic mum, just like you sound you are!

golden, thats sad to read. i had no idea that people would really care or worry too much about this sort of thing in 2018, or leave your children out of things.
i know it was bad decades ago - my mum was a terrible judge of anyone whose husband left them - almost make it ' all the woman's fault' when it probably wasnt, but they were really old fashioned and anti divorce and all kinds of weird! there isnt any shame in bringing up children on your own. People dont judge ones whose husbands have died and they may have had a terrible abusive marriage ( know a few like that too!)

GoldenEvilHoor

It's far too early in the morning for such flights of sarcasm. Can you rein it in till lunchtime, please?

Own it! You’ve left at least three bad relationships, that shows great boundaries. You’re raising two children alone, that takes strength and resilience and all sorts of super powers, and you’re highly educated.

You, mate, are winning at life. If I knew you I’d have nothing but respect for you.

I’m a 3x3 with bipolar and blue hair, I live in a village full of Boden Mummies, but I hold my own (mainly by trying to give zero fucks). People who ask about my circs get the truth because that’s just who I am and I’m not ashamed of it.

Hold that head up high!

I'm a single mum to one child, her dad was useless and I know what you mean about feeling looked down on. But I think that's more to do with how we feel and where we expected to be at this point than what people actually think. I'm sure most people don't even give it a second thought. But we're hard on ourselves. Give yourself a break is what I want to way, but feeling this way myself I know it's not that easy.

i had no idea that people would really care or worry too much about this sort of thing in 2018, or leave your children out of things.

As far as I can tell, they don't. I was the illegitimate offspring of a single parent in the 80s, and no-one made a big deal of it.

Token , good for you.

Hey superstar, you're doing a great job and have achieved a lot, you should be incredibly proud of yourself.
Having two children with different father's is the norm these days, who cares, there's no stigma anymore.
Just carry on being you, and enjoy life and your lovely children.⭐️

thats good to read that you didn t have any problems jamie, but , going from my own parents and their friends, it was a big deal for anyone who didnt have a husband with children or the bloke had walked out on them or whatever - my parents were odd/ judgemental though!

Well if it makes you feel any better I’m separating from Dad number two! And yes I do feel like my life has veered off into the outliers, it doesn’t make me feel great at all.

However we just have to put a brave face on it. People judge what they see, if they see us as strong, stable people doing the absolute best for our kids then that’s what will shine through. I do have people’s respect, and that is from very conservative people in stable marriages, because they know me. Sometimes I’ve been judged, it is way more exposing being a single parent, but that never normally lasts when they get to know me.

Give other people a chance, you can be a great Mum and a great friend too.

I would admire you, not judge you.