To feel shame around my status as a single parent with two children with two different dads

[Wadingthroughshit]

Hi all.
That’s it really. I have two children, 3 & 7, from two relationships (one 6 six years, one 3 years). I am studying a Masters degree. We live in a small village just outside a central city. My son goes to a lovely school and my youngest to a lovely nursery. I have friends I’ve made through uni (I’ve done diploma, undergraduate, and masters consecutively since my eldest was 2/3). I joined the parent council in a bid to make friends in my village, but I feel such shame around my situation, I haven’t been able to attend any meetings yet, I’ve only managed a few messages In the group chat.
I do not and absolutely would not judge others in a similar situation, but I do myself. I think it’s also that I’m renting and not yet working. I feel a bit left out in the world, I’m 30 and not where I’d like to be!
One of my friends said to me that I wouldn’t wish to be friends with anyone who judged me...
I guess I’m not sure what I’m looking for here. I’m feeling quite overwhelmed, it is exam session so it may be that! I just feel if I had more confidence i could be a better mother for my children as they’d have people over. Whenever we are together I always plan days out for us, I’m never sitting In the house scared to go out.

I find as I get older I'm much more conservative and judgemental. I judge people who don't teach their children manners, I judge people who don't follow legal standards of behaviour, I do judge people who don't teach their children a work ethic and who see SW as a lifestyle choice.

I absolutely do not judge single mothers or fathers, married mothers or fathers, or children who need SW temporarily or permanently.
I absolutely do not judge parents who are teaching their children that to try to improve their situation they should work hard, get a qualification, work a sh1t job or do whatever they feel is necessary to improve their life and/or the life of others.
I absolutely do not judge people who rent or own their own homes, provided they look after it and try to keep it clean and tidy.
I absolutely do not care if you have children with one, two, three or even four fathers provided you're not expecting the taxpayer to permanently look after them, while you are not trying to do likewise.

I absolutely do judge men and women who try to belittle other people and their efforts to improve their lives, their childrens lifes and their communitites life.

I would not judge you because you have two children with different fathers, I would admire you immensly for all you have achieved while the single mother to two young children.

Oh and you're ONLY 30, you have a lifetime ahead of you. Good luck in your Masters and your future. You are a fine example to your children.

Our old next door neighbour was left with a non verbal autistic child and an older teen - she had to get on with things and her life was really hard.
her ex didnt give a damn about her or them.
These are the sorts of people i would ' judge' - the ones that walk off and wash their hands of it all because they can.

I have only spoken about it very few times. I think I have blown it out of proportion haven’t I! Then I’ve allowed it to be blown up in my head. Seems self-perpetuating aswell I should have put this up a year ago.
And yes, men do seem to get an easier time of it. Single mothers can still by somebe demonised whereas single fathers are celebrated. They still go to work full time, take business trips, stays in posh hotels and holiday in fucking Mexico ! Meanwhile...I’ve got my head staring at the ground.
My son has been at school and I still haven’t made any mum friends...not sure how to go about it now, I guess the first step is taking a big gulp and going to a parent council meeting.
Someone asked about self-esteem...I absolutely have self-esteem issues, that being, I have none. I’m told I’m very good looking (said in a cringe way that sounds awful) but that doesn’t matter if I’m your head you think everyone is better than you. Then provide yourself with the reasons why they are better than you then you end up on a mumsnet thread and amazing strangers give you a slap around the face !

OP you sound like a really driven person, like someone who is working hard to improve your situation and doing that whilst parenting alone is hard (I know! I’m doing it) what I will ask you is how does feeling shameful help you? Can you change the fact your children have different fathers? No, you can’t, do any shame you feel over that serves no purpose. Because it can’t be changed. Whether you are ashamed or not, it doesn’t change the situation. So what is the point in the shame? It doesn’t help improve your situation. So get rid of it. Make a conscious decision to let go of that shame. The next bin you walk past, chuck your shame into it and keep on walking. The shame is a weight that is holding you back. So you don’t need it. It fixes nothing. Let it go.

No one knows how their liife will turn out.

You have no reason to be ashamed, quite to opposing. You have achieved so much.

we all feel bad at times in our life - we all wish things had been different i know i do. meeting new friends is never easy either but you will i am sure of it. i would just get these exams out of the way first though - the school gate can be full of vipers , so watch out for any of those and root out the nice ones!!

You sound amazing OP and I'm in awe of your educational achievements so far, given that you've got your hands full with young children and by the sounds of it, parenting alone.

Just remember that your self-esteem comes from within you and only you can make you feel bad/good/whatever. There will always be people who look down on other people but the thing to do is rise above it and not care. Easier said than done, I know. You and children are what matters and it sounds like you're building an incredible life for yourself. Most people know that it's incredibly difficult to buy a house these days, especially while you're still young and most people appreciate that relationships are transient and take an awful lot of hard work to maintain. It is however, entirely reasonable to leave a relationship that's abusive.

Have you thought about doing The Freedom Program? This may help you recognise and avoid abusive relationships in future.

You have nothing to be ashamed of and everything to be proud of.

Op you sound amazing. You’re working hard to give you and your children a better life. The men you had your children with sound like the problem, not you.

I wonder if your low self esteem led you to unconsciously choose men who aren’t worthy of you. If you can address your low self esteem, you won’t feel that way about your single parent status. Most people don’t give a damn about it and judgemental people aren’t worth bothering with anyway.

Could you just invite people round for play dates and coffee, or meet at play barns etc. I’m sure a lot of people would love to get to know you better. But you have to put yourself out there because if you keep yourself to yourself people will think you’re not interested. Good luck OP.

I bet it was your ex making you feel a lot of this, promising things then not seeing it through then leaving you to it. its enough to make anyone feel bad and parenting children is hard enough as it is without all that as well.
Think of your achievements. you;ve done so well.

Anyone who judges you is not worth knowing or wasting energy on anyway. You can't control what people think but you can control what you think about and how you carry yourself. You're raising two children as a single parent, good for you

*what you think about yourself

My DH has 3 children by 2 different moms and I don't judge him - and I am not one of the moms. I was a single parent between splitting up with DS's dad and meeting DH. We split up because we had nothing but DS in common and neither of us wanted that in life.

You are teaching your children that sometimes it is ok to walk away from a relationship if it is not right. I would rather that than someone who teaches children to stay in an abusive relationship or stay together for the sake of the children. This makes children unhappy, they sense the tension.

The fact that you worry about it makes you human but be kind to yourself - there is no shame in being a mom (regardless of your marital status).

I think your insecurity and feelings of embarrassment are more to do with your low self esteem and in particular coming out of an abusive relationship and still healing.

Listen. Nobody gives a toss about your children’s fathers. People don’t judge. You are probably in a majority being a single parent. No one cares. You are doing a brilliant job. You sound a great mum who is setting a super example to your children. Be kind to yourself and try to organise a a bit of me time.

Shame? What shame?

You went back to education when you had babies and stuck at it to be at Masters level... youre a bloody role model to show your kids that you can achieve anything you set your mind to.

Dont be ashamed of ANYTHING. You left an abusive relationship rather than allow DC to be brought up in that environment. Bet you that there are other parents in dysfunctional relationships around you that wish they had the balls to do the same.

Be proud of yourself

Focus on what you have achieved, 2 children in good schools/nursery, home in a village, friends, about to have your masters. Sounds pretty great to me. People will ALWAYS judge, if its not one thing, its something else they have no business commenting on

DP ex wife has 2 children by 2 dads. Doesn't bother him or me.

DP has 2 children by 2 mums. One of them me. Again doesn't bother me.

In this day and age lots of people have children with different partners.

Self esteem is built on a foundation of knowing what we are good at and celebrating it.

You are focusing a lot on what you perceive as things that you d0nt like about your life. What is good about your life? What are you proud of? What are your successes? I bet there are loads and loads.

You come across as an intelligent and driven woman. Pat yourself on the back. Be kind to yourself. And absolutely drag yourself to the parent council meeting. MAKE yourself go.

Imagine you are your best friend and you were hearing herself talk about herself the way you are and then give yourself the advice that you would give her.

Say to yourself: "Go on. Do it. Every achievement starts with a decision to try. You can do it." Repeat and repeat and repeat.

Having children with more than one person doesn't make you a bad parent just as having two or more children with one person doesn't automatically make you a good parent!.

I'd suggest some councelling, maybe CBT or even just a self help book to try and get rid of this inferiority complex as you sound pretty impressive to me.

I wonder if your low self esteem led you to unconsciously choose men who aren’t worthy of you. If you can address your low self esteem, you won’t feel that way about your single parent status. Most people don’t give a damn about it and judgemental people aren’t worth bothering with anyway.

This. I wouldn't tell you what to do with your life, but it might be a good idea to shelve dating for now and just focus on you, your little family and your future. Having a man around is not always a positive, as you are probably already fully aware. It's disgusting that a boyfriend told you that you're a "drain on society". Ironically he sounds like he's shaping up to be a drain on womankind, he's probably making another girl miserable as we speak. Whether you have no children or ten children by ten fathers, you deserve to have a partner who values and respects you.

YANBU to feel shame, it'd be difficult not to when parts of society look down on and judge your lifestyle choices so openly.

I don't believe you should feel shame, as many PP have said, you've done absolutely nothing wrong and it's not exactly unusual for people to have kids with different partners. But I totally understand why you do, lots of people do look down on mums and dads with different kids by different partners, it's down to the previously held ideal of the nuclear family and what you're doing deviates from that. Look at how much judgment celebrities with different kids by different dads get: ulrika johnsson, Natasha Hamilton, both get called 'four by four', Kate Hudson has had some lovely articles about her having her third child by a third man. YANBU to have picked up on that shame and internalised it.

Society is BU, not you!

Hi everyone, sorry for lack of reply...just rushing around, but I am so appreciative. I looked briefly in softplay and nearly started to cry!
I think my shame and guilt around my status is a symptom of other aspects, because as pp have said, it’s 2018, and nobody gives a fuck. I have had three failed relationships, and the last one in particular I found extremely difficult to let go, partly because I didn’t want another one to fail. But I did my absolute best. Eldest dad held me against a wall by my throat whilst I was holding our son. Second one cheated on me. Third one very professional, well liked, extrovert, but I think he was the most abusive of all of them. My confidence and esteem are gone.
But I guess, fake it until you make it?

I don’t know how to explain...but it is such a relief to hear your stories of mixed families and never once thinking anything of it. My children don’t, they are brothers. I have a best friend who is from a mixed family and both her father and step father were awful...and I’ve never once thought any of it, she is just such a beautiful girl. I’m hopeful that once I’m a bit clearer in mind, and finished my Masters and have a job, I feel differently, well I won’t even think about it.

obviously the dad has contributed to your esteem issues - your better off without him. just remember that.

You got a Masters while looking after two young children and that is more than 99% of people could do.

Don't talk yourself down. There are people in the world who do everything they 'should' do (uni - career - marriage - mortgage - kids) and they are still miserable. Convention doesn't mean anything in regards to happiness.

You sound wonderful OP and I would personally love to hear how you managed to fit a Masters in with kids.

You're only 30! You've already achieved so much.

I really hope you'll look back on this when you're older and wonder what the hell you were worried about.

You sound like you should be more proud of yourself, not ashamed! We all have issues with feelings of inferiority sometimes, we are only human afterall. As for your family and how it has evolved, that is not anyone’s business but your own. You sound amazing OP, just don’t worry needlessly about things like that

I've not read the whole thread, but from what I have read, you sound like the kind of friend I would want to have! Don't feel ashamed. You're working hard to improve life for you and your children and that's all that matters. I wouldn't let anything get you down. :)