To feel shame around my status as a single parent with two children with two different dads

[Wadingthroughshit]

Hi all.
That’s it really. I have two children, 3 & 7, from two relationships (one 6 six years, one 3 years). I am studying a Masters degree. We live in a small village just outside a central city. My son goes to a lovely school and my youngest to a lovely nursery. I have friends I’ve made through uni (I’ve done diploma, undergraduate, and masters consecutively since my eldest was 2/3). I joined the parent council in a bid to make friends in my village, but I feel such shame around my situation, I haven’t been able to attend any meetings yet, I’ve only managed a few messages In the group chat.
I do not and absolutely would not judge others in a similar situation, but I do myself. I think it’s also that I’m renting and not yet working. I feel a bit left out in the world, I’m 30 and not where I’d like to be!
One of my friends said to me that I wouldn’t wish to be friends with anyone who judged me...
I guess I’m not sure what I’m looking for here. I’m feeling quite overwhelmed, it is exam session so it may be that! I just feel if I had more confidence i could be a better mother for my children as they’d have people over. Whenever we are together I always plan days out for us, I’m never sitting In the house scared to go out.

You have sod all reason to be ashamed. I was brought up by a single mum. She did a better job than plenty of parents do as a team.

DP is a very stable sort and very hands on. Not a day goes by that I don’t think how much harder my mum had it than I do. I’m very close to my mum and respect her hugely. Anyone who judges you isn’t worth your time.

If I knew you I wouldn't be bothered about your single parent 2 dads status but in awe of the Masters, I missed out on Uni because I deferred to allow my older brother to go (we were going to be doing 1st year same year) as my parents couldn't afford it, and then I deferred a 2nd year but then never went, I wish I had now.

I've got 2 dh by 2 different dads. Am now very happily married to a man 19 years my junior so no, no need to feel judged. In any case if people do judge I really don't care.

I agree with the others that you shouldn't feel slightly ashamed given you have the drive to succeed.

I will say this, in this day and age the way that people feel the need to overshare too quickly with people seems to be a sure fire way for the judgy pant wearers to get their fix.

You can be engaged in the village scene, the school scene whatever but remember that you don't have to lay your life out to win friends. I'm not saying hide the facts, just be mindful that you don't have to give your life story.

Let people focus on the facts that you've told us; brilliant mother to two sons with a stellar string of academic successes that you will parlay into an awesome career over the next few years.

Kick the doors in OP.

Op, some people will judge you because naice villages just outside towns tend to be full of people whose self-confidence is propped bound up by their well-marriedness, home-ownership, good job, mown garden, and comfortable bank balance. They will enjoy telling you what a marvellous job you are doing as a single parent, how brave you are, and how yours is a 'modern' family. Underneath they will probably be feeling slightly intimidated by all you achieve. Behind closed doors they are tired, over-mortgaged, working too hard, slightly guilty mums like the rest of us.
Enjoy your studies, your freedom from home-owning diy tasks and wifely duties, smile sweetly, mention your Masters and your children lots and your exes rarely, bring up your kids well (your neighbours will enjoy telling you what a great job you are doing, considering everything.....) and get on with your life. 'rebrand' yourself as the slightly bohemian student mum from the city if it suits. Go to the parent council and be on good terms with everyone, and keep an eye out for people you might actually like to know better.

Hi everyone, I was just reading through this this morning and wanted to say a huge thank you. Thank you for taking the time to reply, thank you for helping me in what was one of the worst times, and thank you for being patient while I was healing. I know Mumsnet can sometimes suffer from trolls or people making fun, but it genuinely helped me.
I passed my Master's, and before I graduated I got a job in my field PT at the university. The contract was on a fixed term basis, but after an interview process, I have been made permanent. Work has told me I need to work on my confidence, so it is still a work in progress.
I am just finishing Cognitive Analytical Therapy and I am very single. I dated a few guys last night, but none I could see working in the long term, obviously my children none of them.
I still haven't managed a parents council meeting, but I have offered to take on of the boys from my son's class after school one day a week for dinner then take them both to football, so that's a start.
∆ above poster, people at work do that, I know they mean in it in the nicest way, but they look at me and go "you're so strong and brave, you're superwoman, I don't know how you do it, I hope my partner never leaves" a 25 yo about to get married with a young child said that last one! It's a bit patronising.
Thanks so much.

What lovely news!

Well done for all you’ve accomplished over the past year, sounds as if you’re doing well.

Funny I was wondering why this turned up again.
Yes, I would judge you - and think you are fantastic! To be able to achieve that level of education is a huge deal.To be able to do it while juggling DCs with little or no support is just amazing.
A true testament to your ability and resourcefullness. Beware of the Parents Council - they will have you running the whole thing!
And I love the idea that you had the strength to leave abusive relationships - even if it is absolutely the right thing to do, it is not easy .
So, so pleased that you are on an upward journey .Best of luck to you and your kids.
And on the relationship front, I hope you meet someone who deserves you and treats you with the love and respect you are entitled to

You sound great. Like pp have said, you should be proud of your achievements...
And anyone who is judgemental about the kids situation really isn’t worth worrying about.
Chin up luv!

Take a breath OP
You have nothing to be ashamed of. Get this out of your head that people will judge you. Any decent person wouldn’t care. Plus it’s your private business, you don’t have to divulge this to anyone. It doesn’t matter.

Thank you! Also, I meant dated in the last year, not last night, and that none of them met my children !

Are you a nasty, unkind ignorant person? Do you treat people badly? Do you neglect your kids? I bet not. You have no reason to feel ashamed.

That 25 year old wasn’t being patronizing - she meant it.
I’m married 3 kids, and yes I wonder how you single moms mange’s to juggle everything, keep a job, house and appointments, do tea and bed time alone, every single night. It’s a thought that goes through my head often!!

You’ll see as you get older, there are things you find really easy (as an example, people say I’m really organised) now I find that simple, yet I look at others really struggling to keep things afloat!! They really do mean I make it look easy. We assume everyone can do everything quick or better or easier, yet we have skills others don’t have.

Take compliments!! You deserve them. Smile at your achievements and be proud. You have two sons who love you. You are their everything.

Ugh it annoys me when women feel like this yet not a thing would be said to man with different mothers to his children.

Absolutely this!

The only people who should be judged are the men who abused you, OP.

You've achieved so much - all those qualifications while bringing up your kids - that far from shame, you should be feeling really proud.

I also think the Freedom Programme might help build your confidence, or possibly some counselling to help you heal from the shit you've gone through.

And anyone who judges you is a small-minded twat. I'd rather have 6 children by 6 men than be a small-minded twat!