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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that my parent secretly enjoy this?

130 replies

malificent7 · 01/05/2018 16:37

My dad and his misses are having a lovely retirement which they deserve but they seem to enjoy my work struggles / struggle to find a sitter etc...
When i asked them to sit on the day of the week when they do salsa as a one off ...i got the reply that they never went out when i was a child.

OK...Im being unreasonable to ask but i sense it is tit for tat

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 01/05/2018 17:16

Ahh yes my wild lifestyle of going to work as a teacher 9-5 and a quiet evening in with a cuppa and breaking bad ( heavan actually the last bit!)

OP posts:
Curtainshopping · 01/05/2018 17:17

YANBU if you think they might be saying no to spite you or because they enjoy being deliberately unhelpful. But I’d have to ask what the background is to make you think that?

Original poster
malificent7 · 01/05/2018 17:18

Dd is good as gold for them as they freely admit!!

OP posts:
Mrsbird311 · 01/05/2018 17:18

I’ve never got this parents don’t owe you babysitting? Aren’t you all a family? You are their child, surly they want to help you and spend time with their grand children? The longer I’m on mumsnet the odder I find other people’s families!!! YANBU they are mean parents and rubbish grandparents!! I wonder if they will moan if you put them in a home and hardly bother visiting them!! I can’t stand mean people!!! I would do anything for my family !

PyongyangKipperbang · 01/05/2018 17:18

Urgh....the glee of you struggling, I know that one.

I made mistake of moaning about an issue wih DD to my parents recently and they thought it very amusing "Oh well now you know what its like!". Yeah, and?! How is that in any way helpful? I pointed out that when my dad got a physical issue that I have had for years and he didnt really appreciate how painful it was, did I say "Well now you know what its like!" and laugh at him? No, I didnt. I gave him some advice and tips on how to cope with it. They did apologise but I think they thought sorry rather than felt sorry iykwim.

pigmcpigface · 01/05/2018 17:19

I have wondered about this sometimes. As a woman with no kids, I hear grandparents speaking about their sons and daughters in ways that they perhaps wouldn't to parents. Many are just unbelievably supportive and brilliant and awe-inspiring in what they do, but there are some who genuinely seem almost gleeful to see their children struggling. It's like rather than taking their own struggle and saying "I'm not going to let my child have a rough ride like that" they say "We had it tough, and now they are too - he he he he he". I find it quite distasteful, to be honest, especially when the two situations are NOT commensurable, e.g. when the grandchild has SEN or a disability of some kind.

Aprilmightbemynewname · 01/05/2018 17:19

Being a dm and being there for your dc doesn't stop at 18 imo.

steff13 · 01/05/2018 17:23

Dd is good as gold for them as they freely admit!!

So, they do babysit for her sometimes?

For me it really depends on what you were doing. They did already have plans. If your "sort of emergency" was that you needed to go to the hospital, etc. then I think they should have watched her. If it was something you wanted to do that came up at the last minute, your plans don't trump theirs.

MatildaTheCat · 01/05/2018 17:28

My inlaws were tricky about helping out even in an emergency. They generally would do it but would definitely let you know they’d had to give up something that could very easily be changed to another day. For context I’m talking about me needing to get to work as a midwife when my childminder was sick on the odd occasion, not going off on a jolly. It was quite hard.

Now, much later, we have invested hundreds and hundreds of hours in their care as their health has declined ( MIL has now died) and they became extremely needy and quite demanding. I have to say I do look back on that period when I was so desperate for the odd favour and it was often given so grudgingly.

They should think on.

Chillyegg · 01/05/2018 17:29

Sorry I hate this attitude that your parents don’t owe you help. No one owes anyone anything but doesn’t mean we can’t all help each other out. Ill do anything for my daughter and when she has kids I’ll help as much as I can. My mum loves having my dd occasionally. And she goes to her dads and sees various extended family. I really think it’s awful that some people are like I didn’t have any help so hehehe you can suffer.

The80sweregreat · 01/05/2018 17:30

MIne would only look after the children in an emergency - thats it.

i can sympathise, but maybe they have the ' we have had our baby days and want to have fun' kind of attitude? i am sure they would help out if it was really needed, maybe they dont see going to salsa class as that important? see if there are any baby sitters in the area you could ask maybe ( with references)

The80sweregreat · 01/05/2018 17:32

chillyegg, my parents and inlaws were like this - our friends had help and babysitters on tap all the time, we had nobody. people couldnt believe it, but we had to get on with things on our own. it makes you stronger - you have to sort things out yourself.

SardineReturns · 01/05/2018 17:35

"Being a dm and being there for your dc doesn't stop at 18 imo."

Ah, mine didn't really look out for me when I was young either.

Someone said bring it up next time they ask or whatever, I tried this once, my mum just denied it.

Also when I had the PND and that I didn't tell them as they are how they are, but I thought I ought to as I was late as I had a panic attack. Anyway I tried to tell my mum but she said "sounds like a panic attack. huh!" and walked off. So, I never mentioned it again.

They like to pretend that as a family we are close though it's weird. They are very nice to my DDs and to my DB actually so there's that.

Just, families. They're all different and some parents aren't very nice when it comes down to it.

WomaninGreen · 01/05/2018 17:35

I hate this attitude
Like they want revenge for the child they chose to have
Tell them who will choose their nursing home

They don't have to babysit but they also don't need to be wankers.

Justmuddlingalong · 01/05/2018 17:35

You would be happy leaving your child with someone you call your DF's Mrs? Is that perhaps where the issue lies?

SardineReturns · 01/05/2018 17:35

OP I would say that they said no because they don't want to,

and so to not ask.

That's the best way really.

Original poster
malificent7 · 01/05/2018 17:37

I think iabu to adk for a sitter but the glee thing rings a bell...

OP posts:
jannier · 01/05/2018 17:37

I guess it depends on what the sort of emergency was ....the fact its in advance and an evening does suggest its less of an emergency and more of a something has come up so cancel your plans grandparents surely if it were work like parents evening you would know about it and say work has come up. If it were a hospital you wouldn't have notice or a choice without the detail who can say.
If they have a regular class they go to why should they give it up unless its for a real emergency or something really special?
I think the attitude of we never went out is more about so many parents now not giving up anything and acting hard done by it gets really annoying I'm happy to look after my grandkids anytime but if I was told I should have no choice and should dump my plans because my kids going out was more important I wouldn't be so keen to do it. Most people would say an emergency came up not a sort of emergency I know some people who would say that was a broken nail so going for a nail appointment for example. But I'm really struggling to think of an emergency in an evening other than late gp appointment.

Aprilmightbemynewname · 01/05/2018 17:37

My dm was shit.
My dgm was there for me, I have been there for my dc, young and adult.
I have 1 dgc who I help with when requested.
The quality of their lives matters to me massively!!

SardineReturns · 01/05/2018 17:39

"i am sure they would help out if it was really needed"

Mine wouldn't.

They expect me to give them lifts now though? They never gave me lifts when I was young. What's that all about? I mean I would never ask them for a lift now, obviously.

When I tell people how my parents are they are always a bit shocked, I have come to realise that their behaviour is actually quite abnormal, you'd never guess as an outsider though.

Lacucuracha · 01/05/2018 17:41

@Sardine

I hope you're not giving them lifts?

SardineReturns · 01/05/2018 17:45

Well yes, not very often (I think they realise it's a bit hypocritical) but when they go on holidays and stuff and have bags. They ask, I'm not going to say no. I mean I wouldn't take a day off work or something to do it.

I do always say why not get a cab but that's not a thing they want to do. So it's not lots or long distances, but it still niggles a bit.

Slartybartfast · 01/05/2018 17:46

they are perhaps being gleeful - they say probably to themselves they have earned their right to do as they wish
what is your relationship normally like with them?

longtallwalker · 01/05/2018 17:50

No babysitting or child minding from mine either - or the in laws. It annoys me bc other siblings got it. But I feel it's just the way it is. For years we hardly went out, only using v trusted sitters. You soon catch up with a social life when D.C. reach their teens

Lacucuracha · 01/05/2018 17:50

@Sardine

At least get them to give you a lift when you need one!