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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Father’s mistress attacked pensioner DM. AIBU to never forgive.

103 replies

NCJaneDoeNut · 01/05/2018 16:09

Obviously NC but mumsnet can see I’ve been around for a while.

My dad, in his late 60s instead of retiring took up with someone in her early 30s. My mum was heartbroken.

• At one point my mum went to the house my dad bought for OW to try and reason with her (bad idea, I know). My mum was in her 60s and this woman started beating her up. OWs sister was there and is a witness: My mum is very religious and all the time she was being attacked she did the ‘turn the other cheek’ thing and was singing church hymns. Her jaw was fractured and she lost a tooth.

At this point mum bought her own place but they did not legally divorce for reasons.

• About a year after this my dad and the other woman had a child together. They named him after my grandad. My dad took things from mums home to where he was now living with ow (bbq, party punch bowls etc.) for a ‘baby welcome party’. I think this child caused my mums mind to go. She went to OWs house and lit papers in the recycling bin on fire. The fire didn’t take at all. My dad reported DM to the police (he did not do anything after my mum was attacked. DM did not want to report it too). They took a statement but nothing happened.

• They had a second child. My mother got an annulment (she and my dad have four children Hmm).

• OW and dad had a big wedding. Some relations went but some did not go in protest. Siblings and I did not go.

The oldest ‘half-sibling’ is now 5. In all that time I’ve never met OW in person or the children. I see my dad occasionally and we never mention any of it.

I know the violence sounds awful but we are not a ‘rough’ family. My mum is all Charities and Church.

How do we move forward? Can we?
He’s getting on in years and I don’t want regrets.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 01/05/2018 16:13

I wouldn't hesitate to drop him like a hot brick and never regret it. You move forward by realising who you thought was your father is a low life dick and see him as a genetic donor and that's that.

RatherBeRiding · 01/05/2018 16:18

Do you want to move forward? He has broken your DM's heart and humiliated her. Not to mention the horrific assault on your DH which your father condoned - by staying with and later marrying the person who committed the assault. In your shoes I'd leave him to his life choices and concentrate on supporting my DM.

MNscum · 01/05/2018 16:18

Well I certainly wouldn't want to see her and probably not him

pasturesgreen · 01/05/2018 16:20

I wouldn't hesitate to cut my father (or my mother, for that matter) out of my life if he behaved like that. He made his own bed, he can bloody well lie in it. Hell would freeze over before I could be prevailed upon to extend an olive branch.

Fflamingo · 01/05/2018 16:22

Support DM , did she get pension share? Maybe meet him on his own once or twice a year. Otherwise concentrate on your own family.

CoolCarrie · 01/05/2018 16:31

Cut your losses OP. Your father is clearly not the man you thought he was.
It was a bloody terrible thing to allow your dm to be treated in this way, and my heart goes out to her. I wouldn’t allow my children to be around such a vile person.

Travis1 · 01/05/2018 16:34

I'd have nothing to do with him. And I would have went to the police over the assault.

PotTheRed · 01/05/2018 16:36

Sounds awful behaviour by everyone involved and your Mum comes out of it badly too. Starting a fire in a recycling bin is really serious!

Do you need to ‘move forward’? Can’t you just carry on as you are now?

elisenbrunnen · 01/05/2018 16:40

I would have nothing to do with him.

My own father went off with a woman half his age 20+ years ago; I haven't seen him or contacted him since. That was bad enough, without violence towards my mum - I would have gone to the Police about that, def. And I would have (and did) make sure that my father supported my mum financially, because she was in no place to do so herself.

He is in his 80s. I have no regrets. My dc have never met him or his OW, and will over my dead body.

That's how I moved on. He is never in my thoughts at all.

TwigTheWonderKid · 01/05/2018 16:42

Sorry I know this is probably missing the point but on what grounds was your mother able to obtain an anulment?

Rudgie47 · 01/05/2018 16:44

I think your Mum needs to go for counselling as a priority, she needs to never do anything as silly as lighting a fire again. Arson is really serious and can get you locked up for a very long time.The fact that it didnt take is neither here nor there.
I know someone who is now in a special hospital with no release date for lighting 2 fires.
I think everyone else just needs to leave them to it and live their own lives. You just have to move on no matter how hard it is.

getoutofthebath · 01/05/2018 16:44

Your mum set fire to his bin. That's pretty unhinged behaviour.

MadMags · 01/05/2018 16:47

I've no idea why you're still seeing him, but that's up to you.

Why haven't you met your siblings?

I don't know how you "move forward" in this situation but I do know it's not by singing hymns and setting wheelie bins on fire...

3stonedown · 01/05/2018 16:48

I'd move on by never seeing my dad again

MissionItsPossible · 01/05/2018 16:48

I can see why she was pushed to it but she should thank her lucky stars the fire didn't take.

I would have nothing more to do with him if I were you.

ScrubTheDecks · 01/05/2018 16:49

Support your Mum.

Say to your father that you are happy to see him (if you want to) and will meet for a drink or whatever but you will never have any contact with the OW who broke your Mum's jaw.

(how on EARTH did she not go to the police? )

squeaver · 01/05/2018 16:49

Slightly struggling to get past the mind-set of someone in their early 30s taking up with a married man in his late 60s but that aside:

Pour all your energy into your mum. This has obviously hit her very hard and clearly affected her mental health. Focus on making her later years as comfortable and happy as you can. Get her counselling (maybe through her church?). Create some memories with her. Fight on her behalf, if needed, to make sure she has a good financial settlement from your father.

If you're worried about having regrets in the future about your relationship with your father, or you feel you should build relationships with your half-siblings, do it on a polite, semi-regular basis e.g. acknowledge birthdays etc.

BUT, you owe your father nothing.

diddl · 01/05/2018 16:50

So your dad stayed with the woman who broke your mum's jaw?

Why would you want to see him?

hmcAsWas · 01/05/2018 16:51

Say what now? She was "singing church hymns" whilst being beaten up? Shock

getoutofthebath · 01/05/2018 16:52

The singing hymns while being beaten up thing is a bit, odd, too. I mean, I've never been assaulted so I can't say for sure what I'd do but I'm not sure I'd just stand there and sing hymns. Why does she keep going over there if they're so awful?

Granted, this OW sounds absolutely vile and you should without doubt go NC with her. But your mum is the red flag being waved here, she sounds a bit unhinged by it all.

diddl · 01/05/2018 16:53

"Say what now? She was "singing church hymns" whilst being beaten up?"

Not only that-why was she being beaten up?

Why not call the police & have her removed if necessary?

Goldfishshoals · 01/05/2018 16:55

I can't believe people are focusing on the setting fire to a bin (foolish as it was), rather than the not retaliating 60 year old getting her jaw smashed in.

I would have cut contact with my father as soon as he condoned such behaviour. I can't believe you still meet up with him after that OP.

MadMags · 01/05/2018 16:57

Every bit of it is fucking mental, @Goldfishshoals and breaking the jaw of a hymn-singing pensioner isn't exactly great behaviour!

But don't underestimate how stupid/dangerous/vicious it was to set a fire where a baby was living.

NamechangerT1000 · 01/05/2018 16:57

I think it is pretty clear that the OPs mother has had a mental health breakdown and needs professional help asap.
As for the dad, he could fuck off frankly.

Mrsmadevans · 01/05/2018 16:58

Are you asking this because you are religious and feel you should turn the other cheek? If so then have you prayed to your God to know what to do . If you have and you still feel like this then I think your God is telling you not to forgive them .
I don't feel l could ever forgive any of them and I would have nothing to do with any of them. I would continue to pray to God to help me forgive them though , l hope you and your DM are soon much happier my dear , Good Luck to you all.