Father’s mistress attacked pensioner DM. AIBU to never forgive.

[NCJaneDoeNut]

Obviously NC but mumsnet can see I’ve been around for a while.

My dad, in his late 60s instead of retiring took up with someone in her early 30s. My mum was heartbroken.

• At one point my mum went to the house my dad bought for OW to try and reason with her (bad idea, I know). My mum was in her 60s and this woman started beating her up. OWs sister was there and is a witness: My mum is very religious and all the time she was being attacked she did the ‘turn the other cheek’ thing and was singing church hymns. Her jaw was fractured and she lost a tooth.

At this point mum bought her own place but they did not legally divorce for reasons.

• About a year after this my dad and the other woman had a child together. They named him after my grandad. My dad took things from mums home to where he was now living with ow (bbq, party punch bowls etc.) for a ‘baby welcome party’. I think this child caused my mums mind to go. She went to OWs house and lit papers in the recycling bin on fire. The fire didn’t take at all. My dad reported DM to the police (he did not do anything after my mum was attacked. DM did not want to report it too). They took a statement but nothing happened.

• They had a second child. My mother got an annulment (she and my dad have four children ).

• OW and dad had a big wedding. Some relations went but some did not go in protest. Siblings and I did not go.

The oldest ‘half-sibling’ is now 5. In all that time I’ve never met OW in person or the children. I see my dad occasionally and we never mention any of it.

I know the violence sounds awful but we are not a ‘rough’ family. My mum is all Charities and Church.

How do we move forward? Can we?
He’s getting on in years and I don’t want regrets.

I'm really sorry this has happened in your family.
Nobody can answer your opening post though because you're basically asking what course of action you can take that you can live with and really only you can answer that.
Personally for me, I would support my mum in any way I could and tell my dad that I was glad that he is happy but I couldn't agree with the choices that he'd made and although it hadn't changed the fact I love him , it had changed my opinion of him and our relationship.
My dad has done terrible things and I am NC, but he was never my hero so I can't imagine how conflicted you must feel.
I hope you find an answer.

I would no longer consider my father family at this point and wouldn’t want anything to do with him or his family.

I feel so terrible and sad for your poor mum and so angry that she was attacked like that I would never forgive your dad or the other women. I would never ever speak to my dad again if he stayed with someone who did that to my mum. So sorry you all had to go through that it must have been awful for you all and the fact she is saving that money and struggling herself makes me so sad she sounds a very sweet person

Oh my. I don't think I'd want anything more to do with a dad who condoned my mother being beaten up by his girlfriend and having her nose rubbed in his too-late middle age crisis. Do you want a relationship with him?

Was the assault reported to the police?

Not reported. My mother thought she was being Christian by ‘forgiving and not reporting’. I would have thought doctors would report it but as far as I know nothing happened.

So she 'turned the other cheek' then.

That's all well and good and for some, being a Christian means forgiveness, but surely not at the expense of the due process of law? If this woman was as agressive and violent as that towards an older person, she may have previous form for it.

I don't want to worry you even more than you already are, but keep a close eye on your dad - she might be abusing him and he daren't say anything.

Your poor mum. He's driven her mad with his bullying and manipulation and knew he could get away with it as your mum is religious and would be ashamed. Please look after her. Your dad is an utter bastard.

Could you go and speak to the priest at your mum’s church and ask him for advice regarding your dm? He might be better placed to get her help, as well as the help he is probably giving her.
She really needs to get the money from the flat, please don’t take this the wrong way, but there is nothing good or christian in your dm being a martyr, your dad isn’t worth it.

Your Mum fuck that’s sad

I hope she can eventually move and find peace but very hard at her age and stage

See your dad twice a year - keep in the will

I don’t know what to offer other than huge compassion - really tough one here

OW is a pierce of shit basically

Why can't you carry on as you have been doing? Ignore the Former OW and have nothing to do with the kids.

I'd have cut my dad out of my life.

I suggest you speak to her priest. He may be able to suggest counselling with a Christian/Catholic based approach and encourage her to go.

Are you sure that your Mum didn't start attacking the OW and she retaliated? Why had your mother gone there in the first place.

As for going to the house taking matches on purpose that sounds like she planned to commit arson which just isn't on. You need to seek help for your mother - medical help.

Your father is still your father but it is entirely up to you whether you want to have a relationship with him or your half-siblings. It is not their fault in any of this.

Catholics definitely aren't anti counselling or anti mental health issues. So if your mother is a practising catholic then those views are hers, not her church's. A good priest will provide her with non judgemental support.

She really won’t go for counselling. She just wants to pretend nothing’s happened. It’s not a huge amount of cash with the flat, but it would mean she could stop working. I think she likes working and if she didn’t have an ‘excuse’ she would find it hard to justify why she’s going.

She wants to always be bustling and busy in order to avoid introspection. Even saying the rosary means she doesn’t have to be silent with her thoughts.

Both her parents died young (would have survived nowadays) and she’s not really looking to the future or wanting to change as I don’t think she sees herself being around longer than ten years.

Allthebestnames

OWs own sister reported what happened. DM did not attack first. I think she saw herself as a Christian martyr being burned at the stake or eaten by a lion or stoned to death, all while praying and looking serene like a holy painting.

The bin fire was not on. She spent time with her sister abroad for a while after that and came back normal but ‘glazed’.

If you try and say anything like ‘how are you feeling in yourself?’ She will be like ‘Oh fine, grand, change the subject let’s see if the roses are blooming’

• her parents died in their sixties, not young young.

I've nothing useful to add, OP - but this: "She wants to always be bustling and busy in order to avoid introspection. Even saying the rosary means she doesn’t have to be silent with her thoughts." sent shivers up my spine and reminded me vividly of my mother and her mother (Irish Catholic). Neither of them was comforted by their blind faith at the end of their lives, unfortunately. I hope your mother's faith keeps her going all right from now on.

Tbh if a 30year old woman broke my mams jaw I would have been round her house in a shot. I certainly would have entertained having a relationship with df after that nm seeing him separately

I wouldn't be having anything to do with him quite frankly I would be getting my mum some help though she sounds really unhappy

And you still speak to your dad after all that.

Wow.

I'm sorry OP how awful. Personally I would be going NC with my dad if happened to me.

NC, it is good that your mum does carry on working, however the money would be able to her to go on holiday again with her sister.
It’s the catholic guilt thing, your dm feels guilty at the failure of her marriage, but it clearly wasn’t her fault. Please try to talk to her priest.

My dm put up with a lot of shit from my dd because of her beliefs, but I spoke up and put my dd in his place, with help from the local priest who was a young clear thinking guy, it helped hugely.

It doesn't matter what any of us thinks, it's you who has to live with this mess. And as you cannot force your parents to behave differently or seek professional help, there is little use in focusing on their failings.

What you can do however is get some really good profit support for yourself. This is easier said than done, I acknowledge, but it could make a very big difference in the way you feel and cope for the rest of your life.

I think that ultimately we have to accept other people sometimes do terrible things, even the ones we love, but it can take a long time to reach that point of acceptance.

Certainly do not feel obliged to see anyone who you don't want to (OW or the children), but don't berate yourself for having conflicting feelings about your dad either.

My mother's dead but I still love her and hate her all at once.