Father’s mistress attacked pensioner DM. AIBU to never forgive.

[NCJaneDoeNut]

Obviously NC but mumsnet can see I’ve been around for a while.

My dad, in his late 60s instead of retiring took up with someone in her early 30s. My mum was heartbroken.

• At one point my mum went to the house my dad bought for OW to try and reason with her (bad idea, I know). My mum was in her 60s and this woman started beating her up. OWs sister was there and is a witness: My mum is very religious and all the time she was being attacked she did the ‘turn the other cheek’ thing and was singing church hymns. Her jaw was fractured and she lost a tooth.

At this point mum bought her own place but they did not legally divorce for reasons.

• About a year after this my dad and the other woman had a child together. They named him after my grandad. My dad took things from mums home to where he was now living with ow (bbq, party punch bowls etc.) for a ‘baby welcome party’. I think this child caused my mums mind to go. She went to OWs house and lit papers in the recycling bin on fire. The fire didn’t take at all. My dad reported DM to the police (he did not do anything after my mum was attacked. DM did not want to report it too). They took a statement but nothing happened.

• They had a second child. My mother got an annulment (she and my dad have four children ).

• OW and dad had a big wedding. Some relations went but some did not go in protest. Siblings and I did not go.

The oldest ‘half-sibling’ is now 5. In all that time I’ve never met OW in person or the children. I see my dad occasionally and we never mention any of it.

I know the violence sounds awful but we are not a ‘rough’ family. My mum is all Charities and Church.

How do we move forward? Can we?
He’s getting on in years and I don’t want regrets.

I find it hard to understand how you can bear to spend time with him I'm afraid.

Fair enough. I would encourage her to spend the money or give it to you now and then find ways to spend it on her. Because otherwise I'm sure it will all be left to the church.

You seem a bit passive tbh. Both parents want a relationship with you. I'd force my way a bit more on that basis. Make her talk and get help for her own good.

Have you even had it out with your father?

Sorry, I wasn't meaning to sound unkind. The whole situation is terrible and must be very frustrating for you.

Your mum's being a martyr and that doesn't sound like it's going to change, no matter what you do.

Your dad's been an utter shit and upended your previous adoration of him.

You can't discuss all of this with your own siblings? They must be having a similar reaction to you.

Look after yourself - see what help you can get.

I bet they got a divorce but she'd calling it an annulment. I've heard of that before in very Catholic families.

I don't see why OW had to hit your mum. Or is she unhinged as well?

I really don’t know why. My dad has said ‘Sonya’s sorry about all the unpleasantness from before.’ That’s all that ever been said.

I’ve loved my da for more than 30 years. It’s hard to turn it off like a tap.

How frustrating that your mother won't talk to you about such important things.

You don't have to stop loving him but I just don't know what you want from the situation.

He won't leave her and his younger children.

Your mum won't get counselling.

You won't stop seeing him, but you refuse to acknowledge the only, guaranteed, 100% innocent people in the scenario; the children.

Just leave things as is!

Obviously Sonya is not her real name.

Your mum needs help. She won't take it. That must be awful for you. You will have to try and find a way to live with her the way she is, or detach yourself (to some extent) to preserve your own sanity.

If you want a relationship with your DF you can have one, it's nobody's business but yours.

But how could she have got an annulment? These are the criteria, are any of them really possible?

They were already closely related by blood
One of them was under 16
One of them was already married
It wasn’t consummated
One of them didn’t properly consent to the marriage
Your dad had a sexually transmitted disease when they got married
Your mum was pregnant by another man when they got married

Also, if a marriage is annulled then it is treated as if it never existed in the first place, which means your mum has 4 illegitimate chidlren. Given her religious convictions it seems very odd she would leave herself and you exposed in that way.

You seem a bit passive tbh

I don’t know what I could do.
DM is like Aunt Petunia talking about magic.

I’m scared to have it out with my dad then never see him again.

I can’t say, oh, I want to see the children but away from Sonya. I don’t feel anything for them. I don’t hate them. They’re just like children on tv or something. Not really real in my mind.

Like pp said, it may be that she’s calling it an annulment so that she doesn’t have to say the word divorce.

Honestly if it were me, I'd focus on my mum, not go totally NC with my father but not go out of my way to see him either. NEVER see the OW. And speak to your half siblings when they are old enough to seek you out on their own.

My mother got an annulment (she and my dad have four children ).

^^ that's completely irrelevant, did she get a divorce? hope so

Could you ask your Dad how the marriage ended?

Cross posted op - sorry - ignore me, I started typing and wandered off

So the facts are:

Your father has turned your mother in to a shell of a woman with his behaviour.

Not to mention had children with some lunatic who the crap out of her.

Meanwhile he gets a brand new family and you both just pretend they don't exist, proving he's a terrible father too.

You have a really weird idea of "hero".

At any rate, I think you're bloody awful and yes there is something you could do. That's drop kick your dad to the curb and try and get your mother some happy.

My dad was alway my hero and I still love him even though he’s a shit.

I wouldn't call him that. He's lived with a religious fervent and a slightly unhinged one at that for 30 years. Your mother sounds like she needs psychiatric help

She was not always super religious. All this started after she found out about OW. She was looking forward to retirement with my dad. She never had a boyfriend before him. He’s been her whole life. She probably has ‘lost it’ to a certain extent.

I didn’t say my dad IS my hero. I said he always was. It’s only the last 5 years that have turned everything upside down. I can’t turn my feelings on and off like a tap.

I wouldn't call him that. He's lived with a religious fervent and a slightly unhinged one at that for 30 years. Your mother sounds like she needs psychiatric help

The OP made it clear that this has pushed the mother over the edge. Is there a reason you only post on threads to be "controversial" it's a bit boring.

NO, you can't turn them off like a tap but five years is a long time and you need to stop and ask yourself if this person deserves to be around his family? Do you have children are you letting this man in their lives?

There's lots going on here.

Your dad left your mum and took up with someone else. That's bad, but not off the scale of bad. You don't have to never speak to him again just because of that.

His new wife attacked your mum when she went round. That's not ok. No matter what your mum did to provoke her or not. If your mum chose not to call the police there's not much you can do. But I would not be having any involvement with her.

His new kids- you don't seem particularly bothered about them, they're not old enough to be particularly curious about you. I would leave it for now. But if they do approach you as they get older be kind to them. It's not their fault. You don't have to welcome them with open arms, but be kind.

And your mum, it sounds like she's really struggling. She shouldn't have tried to set a fire in their bin. But she was upset. It's hardly the crime of the century. It sounds like her whole life has really been turned upside down and she's not herself at all. But if she won't talk to anyone there's not much you can do.

Everyone is focussing on the religion thing but that's fine. If the priest is a listening ear that's a good thing. I would think he is probably giving her reasonable advice. Churches generally do not prey on the vulnerable and persuade them to hand over all their money. If the ritual and familiarity of it all gives her comfort then where's the harm? It's her safe place.

OP, just be there for your mum. What else can you do?

See your dad a couple of times a year if you want to. He's still your dad after all. But it's fine to not want to become involved with his new family.

Yep let’s blame the woman clearly having a breakdown following a distressing break up and attack 🤔
Honestly op your mum needs your help and thoughts I wouldn’t waste a single second of it on your father he does not deserve it. Him and his gf sound a horrid pair.