Father’s mistress attacked pensioner DM. AIBU to never forgive.

[NCJaneDoeNut]

Obviously NC but mumsnet can see I’ve been around for a while.

My dad, in his late 60s instead of retiring took up with someone in her early 30s. My mum was heartbroken.

• At one point my mum went to the house my dad bought for OW to try and reason with her (bad idea, I know). My mum was in her 60s and this woman started beating her up. OWs sister was there and is a witness: My mum is very religious and all the time she was being attacked she did the ‘turn the other cheek’ thing and was singing church hymns. Her jaw was fractured and she lost a tooth.

At this point mum bought her own place but they did not legally divorce for reasons.

• About a year after this my dad and the other woman had a child together. They named him after my grandad. My dad took things from mums home to where he was now living with ow (bbq, party punch bowls etc.) for a ‘baby welcome party’. I think this child caused my mums mind to go. She went to OWs house and lit papers in the recycling bin on fire. The fire didn’t take at all. My dad reported DM to the police (he did not do anything after my mum was attacked. DM did not want to report it too). They took a statement but nothing happened.

• They had a second child. My mother got an annulment (she and my dad have four children ).

• OW and dad had a big wedding. Some relations went but some did not go in protest. Siblings and I did not go.

The oldest ‘half-sibling’ is now 5. In all that time I’ve never met OW in person or the children. I see my dad occasionally and we never mention any of it.

I know the violence sounds awful but we are not a ‘rough’ family. My mum is all Charities and Church.

How do we move forward? Can we?
He’s getting on in years and I don’t want regrets.

Support your mum, leave him to his new wife. Although from experience I suspect as soon as your dad need his wife to look after him she will run a mile and he will crawl out of the woodwork for you and your sibling to look after him.

As to your mum it sounds like she has had some sort of breakdown having had her life torn apart by a pair of selfish people.

Why would you want a relationship with some one who has hurt your mum so badly.

Ok I've read the OP again and can see that some time has passed between now and the bin/beating up incidents.

How is your mum now OP? Has she been anywhere near your DF since bingate?

This sounds like a very sad, very dysfunctional situation.

I think the starting point is to accept that your father has made an adult decision about the person he wants to be with. That decision is VERY difficult, VERY hurtful for your mother. But it is nonetheless his prerogative as a grown man.

I think it's also important to realise that, while you might not like his new wife, there is wrong on both sides here. Your mother doesn't get a free pass about trying to set the house on fire just because she's a pensioner.

You say very little about your father as a person. If he's generally not an awful, toxic parent and you want to continue to have a relationship with him, I do not think it would be disloyal to your mother to do so. This doesn't mean you have to forgive everything he has done, or even agree with him about what was right or wrong. If he is a toxic person, however, I think you should also feel no compunction in walking away.

The issue here is that you've been put in the middle of a messy divorce. That's never a good place for children to be. It's unfair of BOTH of your parents to do this, I suspect particularly your mother.

I'm sorry OP but you and your mother sound like drips. You may not be - and you are also probably very lovely people - but really, find your anger!

No wonder your DM ended up trying to set OW's house on fire, she has no way to appropriately vent her feelings. Your father is a despicable person. He disrespected your mother and the years they spent together and his family. He not only did the cliche thing of chasing after a woman half his age, but apparently didn't care when she physically attacked your mother and went on to have two children with her which you both decorously ignore when you see him.

You either continue on as you are, with this odd half-relationship, you embrace the vile cow who assaulted your mother and get to watch your DF being a present and devoted father to your half siblings, or you tell him what you think of him and get everything out in the open. I'd choose the latter, and then just walk away with your dignity. This man has treated his first family like dirt, what's so special about him that you want to stay in his life, what are his positive qualities?

Do you think your dad should have to stay with your mum even though he was unhappy? I agree he should have divorced her before starting a new relationship but given your mother's religious views I doubt she'd have wanted that either.

I agree you should concentrate on your mum now. Personally I'd not cut my dad or siblings off but that's your choice.

But your mum is the red flag being waved here, she sounds a bit unhinged by it all

Oh the misogyny! Yes, people who’s lives are blown out of the water, who experience such deep distress, fear, anguish and god only k ow what else should just retreat to the nearest corner and forget all about it. Friends welcoming the OW into their homes for dinner? Just deal with it. Children being expected to meet with and like the OW? Just deal with it.

Jesus fucking wept.

Was the annulment because of your mother's religion, and did it mean she had to forego the financial settlement she would have received in a divorce?

Everything madmags said ^^

Re: singing hymns: I was with a physically abusive man - when he would get angry I would sing under my breath (or in my head if I couldn't catch my breath at a particular moment). I do it now at the dentist (the two are not comparable in their levels of discomfort though...). Its disassociation, you take your mind elsewhere. This might be what OPs dm was doing?

I do agree the whole situation is terrible, but also parrot what other posters have said which is regarding the fire. The fact it didn't take is neither here nor there and it terms of the devastation it could have caused, that goes way above a broken jaw.

Hope you both find the peace you need, OP

I don't think it's remotely misogynist to suggest that someone who has tried to set fire to a house is perhaps having some quite serious MH issues (it doesn't really add up to the whole 'Christian image' either, does it?). This is very real violence that the OP's mother has tried to commit.

• OW went off with an old man because he was rich. He’s not bad looking for an old man in a Tom Jones sort of way but still.

• There was a house bought for us siblings but it was sill in my dad’s name. DM was so upset by OW living there.

• I don’t know how she got an annulment. She actually took an overdose around the same time. She had to drink charcoal and said she never wanted to speak about any of it again, so I don’t know the details.

• She won’t get counselling, she just goes to church basically every day.

• She was saying to OW ‘you’re breaking up our family’. OW started hitting her. My mum just sat in a chair and sang ‘Jesus loves you’ at the woman. I think being all Christian but also probably a breakdown of sorts.

• My dad was alway my hero and I still love him even though he’s a shit.

• I don’t really see OWs children as my siblings. They’re younger than my children. I just have no interest in them.

I must say the singing hymns while being beaten up sounds absolutely surreal! Since her jaw was broken she did call the police and have the woman prosecuted didn't she? I'm also baffled that your DM was able to have the marriage annulled. How?

Cross-posted, sorry.

I have to apologise again as I now see I didn't read the OP thoroughly enough. Very sorry, will now shut up and resolve to do better.

She was saying to OW ‘you’re breaking up our family’

Obviously theres no way OW should have been violent towards your Mum but it wasnt the OW breaking up the family - it was your Dad.

If you have no interest in your half siblings, just don't see them, you're not obliged to. If your father was a good Dad to you and still cares for you (and vice versa) then there's no reason for you to cut communication with him, but you may just have to carry on as you have been?

I'm really not a fan of religion when it causes these kind of reactions in people. Turning the other cheek while someone attacks you as God might wish, but then risking causing the death of a child and mother by burning their house down. Which would God have more of an issue with? Who knows...

I don't see why OW had to hit your mum. Or is she unhinged as well?

Setting fire to a bin while not the best thing I can see why she done it. I've done some pretty stupid things when I've been blinded with grief.

Your mum though needs help. Professional help or something terrible is going to happen. And I really hope it doesnt.

I’ve never seen the children.

My dad visits a few times a year by himself. We live in different cities.

If it makes any difference, the bin was in the front garden and there was no one in the house. They were arguing in the front garden.

My DM doesn’t keep going there. She went twice. Once to be attacked, once to light the bin fire.

I’m not religious anymore but I used to be.

My mum is a shadow of herself. She accepted a very unfair settlement so is still working part time. In her free time she goes to church and to Lourdes.

She seems pretty normal now but yes, she probably had a breakdown.

My mum must have taken matches with her as she doesn’t smoke.

I know it’s my dad, not the OW my mum should have been angry with.

I wish you could have intervened to get her a decent settlement. I wouldn't speak to your father over the settlement issue alone. He has a right to leave but to leave her penniless is not really excusable.

Obviously theres no way OW should have been violent towards your Mum but it wasnt the OW breaking up the family - it was your Dad.

Yes, but she's a religious woman of a certain age, which almost definitely means there's a whacking great dose of internalized misogyny involved. The MN tenet of "Don't focus on the other woman, focus on the man who made vows and broke them" is usually a good one, but most people in the "real world" still go after the woman. (Paul Hollywoods' ex wife made headlines today for printing a recipe for an 'easy Summer tart' - her ex is currently with a woman called Summer, and most of the comments were approving - and mentioning the woman's large bust size which apparently makes her even more immoral - even though her ex had left her for another woman previously, no criticism for him.)

OP - can I ask why you've posted? Are you looking for some advice?

I agree that your mum needs and deserves help, but she doesn't sound like she's willing to get it. Also if you want to have a relationship with your father, then that's your decision. Maybe you should have some counselling yourself?

I'm wondering if she accepted the poor settlement in exchange for obtaining an annulment somehow? And if so, it's another example of how religion effs things up for women. Her husband ran off with a 30 year old, and she had to acquire an annulment because it's less shameful than a divorce. Maybe the husband is religious (and a hypocrite) and also wanted the annulment, but she's the one who loses out. It's harmful. Annulment means she financially loses out because she loses the status of being his wife.

Squeaver

I’m posting because I just don’t know what to do.

My family never talk about anything.

My mum ‘does not believe in counselling or mental health’. I’m sure the priest is giving her some advice too.

The settlement she got wasn’t terrible. There’s a flat with rental income but she won’t take the money . She’s downsized to a tiny retirement flat she bought and says ‘the money will be for our inheritance’. So it sits while she’s going to the supermarket looking for the 10p bread to put in the freezer.

I don’t know the details of the settlement/annulment because my mum won’t talk about any of it. Maybe they got a normal divorce. I don’t know.