A decade with the in-laws and I think I am ready to explode......

[Flyddo]

So, this year will have been a decade that I have lived with the in-law's. To be honest so much has happened in those 10 years, I married their first son, we have 2 children and another arrival imminent (well next week) and giving myself some credit, I do believe I deserve some recognition for keeping my sanity over the last decade!
I would be lying to say that I didn't appreciate my mother in law at times, yes live in baby-sitters has been nice although rarely to I abuse this as the aggro involved just isn't worth it. In fact I can count on one hand she has had the children over night in the last 8 years!! It is usually to look after them whilst I go shopping and they are ill or don't want to go or if I am working a late shift until my husband is home! Occasionally she may hang my washing out, but I mean as much as I am grateful the other things she does really do p me off.
So, this weekend (now it may be my pregancy hormones 38 weeks and counting..) I have exploded in rage. Never before has this happened as I usually just plod on and keep the peace. This time however, I do not know what happened!!
I feel myself rambling but any advice/support/anything grateful!
So my husband's brother and his fiancee are getting married this summer, both sets of parents have donated large sums of money for this (we didn't ask or expect anything when we got married), needless to say my future sister in law accepted and the expenses have gone up and up. Now it began with- "would you mind paying for your husband's suit as we can't afford to pay for everyone's"-Ok I accepted this, this has since become "Oh and the matching shoes so everyone looks the same, and can you pay for your son's too so he matches". I declined the later as feel a 3 year old shouldn't have to hire a suit for £120! My husband's will cost a grand total of £160 to hire!! On top of this we have to shell out 2 night accomodation at a cost of £200 because they are having the wedding so far away. Now the straw that broke the camel's back this weekend was when I was asked if my daughter would be a flowergirl, "no problem" was my response. "So she has to be measured for a bespoke handmade flowergirl dress to match the other flowergirl, I need an deposit of £100 for the dress this weekend and you can pay the other £100 when you collect the dress!". Sorry to say I snapped. I politely said I couldn't afford it. No problem she said.
Now the next thing I know, she is crying on the phone to my M-I-L, apparently I had ruined her day because the flower girls won't match. I am being totally unreasonable etc!
Now please, surely this wedding is about the bride and groom! Given the vast sums of money they have been given surely the suits and dresses should come under the budget if that is what they are requesting the people wear!?!?! - Please someone tell me I am wrong???
So, my M-I-L is siding with her new soon-to-be daughter in law, both have accused me of being totally selfish and unreasonable. Apparently this wedding isn't about me, I totally accept that and nor do I want it to be about me, in fact I don't even want to be going!!! But why should I be bullied and made to feel like s over a flowergirl dress that I can't even afford just to please her! I mean I am 38 weeks pregannt, hormones are raging and it seems to me it is m vx Bridezilla!
So now the atmosphere at the in-law's is horrific, no one will speak to me, my husband is furious as I have upset his precious mother and he doesn't see the problem in just paying for it (I think his mother may have influenced him somewhat!!!) just to keep the peace. So I have been relgated to sleeping on the sofa.
Not really sure where to go from here to be honest but any feedback, advice gratefully received!!!!
Sorry feel like I have rambled!!

I think part of the problem here is that from your in-laws (and perhaps your husband's) perspective the timing of this could look very ungrateful. From their point of view, they gave you somewhere to live when you needed it for a decade, and now that you soon won't need them anymore you've turned on them. I'm not saying that's true, but I imagine it might be how they feel.

Get the builders to make the bathroom their next job, move in as soon as it's finished. They can do the rest around you.

To say that we have taken money in anyway from the in-laws over the last decade is frankly laughable. They have no mortgage and never have as the house they are in was given to them, my husband and his father (who is actually really laid back) have built 2 extensions and my husband has carried out so much work to their house is unreal. We have attended value to their house as we have bought our own kitchen and bathroom whilst we have been here. We pay them 300 a month rent and half of all bills. We buy our.own food etc. Several times I have tried to persuade my husband to move out and each and everytime his mother has said not to because it would be a struggle and the childcare used to space and why uproot them when there is enough room.at their house. Personally I think it was a purely selfish reason that she couldn't afford for US to leave and on multiple occasions convinced us to stay when yes in fact we should have moved.

With regards to the dress, I don't think you're being U at all. Surely if you want to prescribe what people wear, and choose it/how much it will cost, you buy it! Or.., let people choose their own outfits where can they choose a price their comfortable with!

Re everything else... you describe yourself as a 'guest in the house' - if you're paying rent surely you're more of a tenant?
Yes , they may have helped you, but they did take money of you as well..!

What sort of half decent person (-and esp DH ) lets a heavily pregnant woman sleep on the sofa! Is 'D'H in your bed?!

I don't know... I don't think you're in the wrong at all, but I'm torn between just paying to save the stress. I'm worried for you as you don't need this stress at this time when you live there... Is there no where else you could possibly go? Family? Good friends? X. And then Just leave it all to them? let your 'D' H sort the outfits, and take the kids to the wedding?

Why the hell are you on the sofa!!! He should be on the sofa!!!

What kind of person would let a heavily pregnant woman sleep on a sofa? Do you actually think that's reasonable?

To say that we have taken money in anyway from the in-laws over the last decade is frankly laughable.

Again, I think you're going to get a shock when you move out and - clearly for the first time ever - actually live as an independent adult. This is astonishingly ungrateful, and it makes me feel a lot more sympathy for them than your OP did.

Something mega dodgy here

1st time poster

To be fair I think I have a good understanding of what it costs to run my own home given that the costs I currently pay are probably on par if not more than what our house will actually cost. Us living with the in laws has allowed them to virtually retire as they both have stopped working and are only doing ad hoc bits here and there and live comfortably. Yes they have had to put up with us for 10 years but the MIL has actually stopped us from moving on more than one occasion citing various reasons.

You have your own kitchen and bathroom. So you’re living in an annexe by the sound of it. You buy your own food and paid for your own kitchen and bathroom. People in HA houses do much the same. If your in laws are struggling, I imagine they can rent out your former “home” and probably for a darn sight more than £300 plus half the bills.

I have never been a forum user before, only after speaking to my sister who found my whole situation awful and laughable did she say I seek advice and possibly support from fellow mumsnet users!!

Several times I have tried to persuade my husband to move out and each and everytime his mother has said not to

I don't understand why you are still married to this person.

To be fair I think I have a good understanding of what it costs to run my own home given that the costs I currently pay are probably on par if not more than what our house will actually cost.

Your mortgage and council tax will come to less than £300 per month?

Can we please not judge women who choose to have children? You don't know her reasons and she doesn't have to give any.

Late pregnancy is a tough time hormonally, it's easy to say, but just try to take care of yourself as much as you can. Is there any chance you could live part time in the new house? Put up some curtains, use the old kitchen and bathroom until they are replaced? A blow up double mattress would be more comfortable than your MILs sofa.

And I wouldn't be too hard on the in laws, however much money they've saved having you there, it has still been a decade long imposition on their home. Once you've been in your own home for a year you'll probably start to understand it from their side. I won't say anything about your husband, I', sure you know whether he is a waste of space or not, but no decent man would see his wife sleeping on the sofa when she is shortly to give birth. Will you be allowed back in the bed once you leave hospital? (I'd get that mattress and move into the house...)

To be honest I think it's 2 separate issues.

RE the house and costs:- since they are mortgage free I can see why they would struggle once you leave with the drop in £300/month plus having to pay the extra 50% of bills. If you each buy separate food already then that shouldn't make a difference regarding food. Which bills do you pay half of? Does that include council tax? Will you need paid for childcare when you leave? That is itself going to cost a fortune. Breakfast and after school club for DS is £240/month and is fairly cheap as far as what I've heard other people pay.

However, unless you live in a particularly cheap part of the country, I would imagine moving out will cost you a fair bit more. I live in an average-low area and pay £360 just in rent for a 2 bed HA property plus council tax (which would be over £100/month if I didn't have the single person discount). Then the other bills.

I will hold my hands up and say I have no idea how much mortgage repayments are because I'm not in a position to have one and it's not something my friends discuss with me.

But regarding the dress - you are well within your rights to say it's something you cannot afford on top of the rent, mortgage, refurb costs etc you currently have, not to mention the suit costs. Though I think it should have been double checked at the time who would ve bearing the costs and I would have checked in your position. If I were you, I would pull MIL to the side and say that you apologise, you have reacted badly as you felt backed into a corner and you're understandably feeling stressed with everything going on. Explain calmly that you aren't saying no to be spiteful and you would have loved dd to be a flower girl but that you simply cannot afford it with your other financial obligations at the moment.

If you were feeling particularly generous you could ask if they'd consider accepting an extra £25 on top of rent for 4 payments so that you're covering half the cost to try and calm things down but I don't think you're at all obligated to do that.

However, your husband is being atrocious letting you sleep on the sofa. I wouldn't even enter a discussion about it. Tonight I would just get in to bed and if he says anything at all I'd say very calmly "I would have thought you'd have the decency to not make a heavily pregnant woman sleep on the sofa multiple nights running because of your sulking. If you don't want to support me then you know where the sofa is" then I'd roll over and go to sleep.

plus having to pay the extra 50% of bills

The in laws are only going to have to pay an extra 50% of bills if having a family of four living with them hasn't raised the bills at all, which seems unlikely.

To be fair I think I have a good understanding of what it costs to run my own home given that the costs I currently pay are probably on par if not more than what our house will actually cost.

Ohhhh OP. You really have no idea. This statement proves it.

As a minimum you’ll need to pay for the below:

Mortgage
Council tax
Gas
Electric
Tv
Tv licence
Internet
Phone (landline)
Phone (mobiles)
Travel (fuel money/bus or train fare)
Cost of running a vehicle if you have one (MOT/tax/insurance etc)
Grocery shopping
Clothes/food for the kids

Etc.

There is no way your paying anywhere close to this at the moment.

I think you and your husband need to have a serious look at your finances.

"but the MIL has actually stopped us from moving on more than one occasion citing various reasons."

What you probably mean there is that your husband decided to do what his mum wanted.

It’s nonsense that your MIL has “stopped” you from moving out.

No one is forcing you to live there. You could have moved out.

It again comes down to your husband needing to grow a set of balls and realise that he is supposed to be an adult now and can be dangling off his mothers apron strings anymore.

So regarding not having a clue on the cost of running a house,

To be fair I think I have a good understanding of what it costs to run my own home given that the costs I currently pay are probably on par if not more than what our house will actually cost.

Ohhhh OP. You really have no idea. This statement proves it.

As a minimum you’ll need to pay for the below:

Mortgage - yes paying 750 alongside 300 rent to the in laws
Council tax- yes double whammy, 120 for.our own.house and 120 is half of in laws
Gas don't have gas
Electric - yes 20 a month for own house to.cover kettle when workers need tea and standing charge as well as half of in laws bill
Tv licence yes all of it for.in.laws
Internet yes all of.it for.in laws
Phone (landline) we don't use a landline.so.none. In laws pay for this
Phone (mobiles) yes we pay our own phone bills!
Travel (fuel money/bus or train fare) yes we pay all our own fuel etc
Cost of running a vehicle if you have one (MOT/tax/insurance etc) yes again we pay everything for our cars
Grocery shopping again we pay all our own food bills
Clothes/food for the kids and yes we pay all of this too!

We also pay for 3/4 of the oil when delivered to heat the house, buy logs for the woodburners, pay the water rates as it is fixed every.month.

My husband also lends a hand around doing jobs where.needed and has done.several extensions with his father.

Etc.

There is no way your paying anywhere close to this at the moment -errrr really I beg to.differ!

I'm assuming the op , having bought this house and renovating it is already paying her mortgage, rent to in laws , 50 percent of the bills and whatever renovation costs plus family food on top? This means it shouldn't cost more to move out it may even be cheaper.

Sorry Cross post op! 😊

The long and the short of it is that the time has come to move out.
So move out.
It’s as simple as that.
If your house really isn’t going to be habitable until August then you either put up with your in laws until then or you get out and move into a short term rental for the next 4 months or so. If, as you say above your already paying out loads to live where you are then just get out of there and spend the money of your own space.

Leave, leave, leave. I don't know anyone family, friends or work colleagues who would live like this for a short while never mind 10 years, why have you put up with it for so long?