A decade with the in-laws and I think I am ready to explode......

[Flyddo]

So, this year will have been a decade that I have lived with the in-law's. To be honest so much has happened in those 10 years, I married their first son, we have 2 children and another arrival imminent (well next week) and giving myself some credit, I do believe I deserve some recognition for keeping my sanity over the last decade!
I would be lying to say that I didn't appreciate my mother in law at times, yes live in baby-sitters has been nice although rarely to I abuse this as the aggro involved just isn't worth it. In fact I can count on one hand she has had the children over night in the last 8 years!! It is usually to look after them whilst I go shopping and they are ill or don't want to go or if I am working a late shift until my husband is home! Occasionally she may hang my washing out, but I mean as much as I am grateful the other things she does really do p me off.
So, this weekend (now it may be my pregancy hormones 38 weeks and counting..) I have exploded in rage. Never before has this happened as I usually just plod on and keep the peace. This time however, I do not know what happened!!
I feel myself rambling but any advice/support/anything grateful!
So my husband's brother and his fiancee are getting married this summer, both sets of parents have donated large sums of money for this (we didn't ask or expect anything when we got married), needless to say my future sister in law accepted and the expenses have gone up and up. Now it began with- "would you mind paying for your husband's suit as we can't afford to pay for everyone's"-Ok I accepted this, this has since become "Oh and the matching shoes so everyone looks the same, and can you pay for your son's too so he matches". I declined the later as feel a 3 year old shouldn't have to hire a suit for £120! My husband's will cost a grand total of £160 to hire!! On top of this we have to shell out 2 night accomodation at a cost of £200 because they are having the wedding so far away. Now the straw that broke the camel's back this weekend was when I was asked if my daughter would be a flowergirl, "no problem" was my response. "So she has to be measured for a bespoke handmade flowergirl dress to match the other flowergirl, I need an deposit of £100 for the dress this weekend and you can pay the other £100 when you collect the dress!". Sorry to say I snapped. I politely said I couldn't afford it. No problem she said.
Now the next thing I know, she is crying on the phone to my M-I-L, apparently I had ruined her day because the flower girls won't match. I am being totally unreasonable etc!
Now please, surely this wedding is about the bride and groom! Given the vast sums of money they have been given surely the suits and dresses should come under the budget if that is what they are requesting the people wear!?!?! - Please someone tell me I am wrong???
So, my M-I-L is siding with her new soon-to-be daughter in law, both have accused me of being totally selfish and unreasonable. Apparently this wedding isn't about me, I totally accept that and nor do I want it to be about me, in fact I don't even want to be going!!! But why should I be bullied and made to feel like s over a flowergirl dress that I can't even afford just to please her! I mean I am 38 weeks pregannt, hormones are raging and it seems to me it is m vx Bridezilla!
So now the atmosphere at the in-law's is horrific, no one will speak to me, my husband is furious as I have upset his precious mother and he doesn't see the problem in just paying for it (I think his mother may have influenced him somewhat!!!) just to keep the peace. So I have been relgated to sleeping on the sofa.
Not really sure where to go from here to be honest but any feedback, advice gratefully received!!!!
Sorry feel like I have rambled!!

Is there any way you could move into the new house?
Are any of the rooms livable?

The fact that are OK with you sleeping on the couch at 38 weeks PG is staggering.
Bunch of fuckers!!!!
This is your benchmark for your future.
I'd move into the new house somehow, and tell DH to stay with mummy until he's able to grow up and stand up to her.

£200 on a child’s dress that she’ll only wear once?!! That is completely bonkers. I bought my 2 flowers girls beautiful dresses from M&S for a quarter of the price for both! YANBU. Hold your ground and tell your husband that you won’t be sleeping on the sofa again. Take that £200 and check into a hotel - see what he has to say about that. Take care of yourself

I would have to question how easy it’s been for your inlaws to have a growing family living in their house for ten years. That’s a very long time and their are bound to be disagreements and resentments on both sides.

I don’t think you say how much rent you pay but it’s unreasonable to say they didn’t help you financially with your wedding if they have been supporting you all for all or part of this time. So perhaps they feel that you refusing to contribute is unfair after their support.

That could be entirely wrong ( and sorry I got waylaid so I may be out of date on this post), but usually there are two sides to every story. I wouldn’t pay for the dress and if the suit is £160 I would buy one from John Lewis or similar.

Good luck with the baby and get off that sofa and back into your bed. That’s totally ridiculous.

What the fuck are you doing sleeping on the sofa, get into your bed tonight. Your husband can fuck off to the sofa or better yet in beside his mom. Your husband is spineless, I don't know if I could forgive the level of disrespect he has shown you.

On one hand, the SIL is being a complete bitch and there is no way in hell you should be expected to pay for your daughter's outfit if THEY want her to be a flower girl. That's just cheeky. That entire side of things YANBU and they can all do one - especially your husband - WHY ARE YOU SLEEPING ON THE SOFA AT 9 AND A HALF MONTHS PREGNANT!?!?!?!?!!?

On the other hand, WHY HAVE YOU BEEN LIVING WITH YOUR IN LAWS FOR 10 YEARS!?!?!?! I have read your reasons but come on OP....come on.

We paid for all bridesmaids and wedding party suits. I even paid for matching shoes. Surely this is part of the deal when you budget your wedding?
I paid for my own outfit when I was MOH as bride paid for weekend accommodation and food for four of us.
Yadnbu to dig your heels in. Did them. If mil wants to pay, let her. Her choice to cough up twice not yours.
Get back in your own bed tonight and tell that lilylivered husband of yours to grow some.

our husband is spineless, I don't know if I could forgive the level of disrespect he has shown you.

THIS!!!!

Jeez, move out. With or without 'D' H. This is not a good situation for anyone.

I lived with my in-laws for 13 months. It was awful. They are reasonable people but nothing on earth would convince me to do it again.

Jesus not even going into the whole dynamics of you living with them except to say you have effectively never had a relationship with your DH as an independent adult how do you think he will be once you are not living under her coat tails?

they are totally wrong to expect you to pay out for all that if she is to be a FG they should pay they should be paying for all of it not just plunging all funds into their day and expecting people that they have asked to be part of it to pay for the privilege.

1. get off the sofa and get back into bed. That’s just ridiculous.
2. tell your husband to pull his head out of his arse and stop being such a wet lettuce. He needs to grow up.
3. your PIL have indirectly helped you out massively with your finances. They may not have handed you a cheque to contribute towards your wedding but you have been living with them and only paying a very small amount towards rent/bills, this has allowed you to have far more disposable income than you would have if you had been living independently from them.

You'll be moving soon, so keep sweet if you can. Smile nicely, and say thank you for her paying for the dress. It IS bonkers, but that's weddin s for you.

In fairness to your MiL, they have effectively been supporting you in part at least for 10 years. It may not be in cash, but I bet it's saved you at least as much as she's paying out for her daughters wedding.

Hopefully, your DH will reveal his backbone once you're in your own place. At least you have that to look forward to!

The house has just had all electrics and the plasterer is replastering the house this week after sorting the damp.issues. Still have the kitchen and bathroom to fit, new windows and then decorate once.plaster.is dry. Then new carpet and we should be in. Hence the August timeline.
My DH just wants to keep the peace at all.costs and has rarely had to deal with confrontation. I have never reacted like this before as I have always been mindful that.i respect his MIL as I am a guest in her house etc but maybe my pregnancy hormones alongside actually having a mortgage as well as paying her rent etc means financially we literally just can't afford the dress.
No one has ever said no to the matriarchal MIL which is why I think there has been this reaction to me. My husband wants me to apologise and for us to pretend it never happened but I am not sure I can.
The atmosphere is crap, just trying to keep a calm head for my children's sake who know no different and because of the impending birth.
Yes I am grateful for the opportunities that living with the IL has given both me and my husband but I am damn sure things will improve when.we can decide if we want to visit them.on a weekly basis rather than an every day basis and having them interfere in our lives and decisions.
Seems so silly to fall out over a flower girl dress but it is the straw that broke the camels back and the fact that my future SIL knowingly used MIL to her advantage into trying to get what she wanted for the wedding with the known result of go against what I said

More fool you if you have allowed yourself to be relegated to the sofa when you’re so far along in pregnancy. Your husband and his family sound awful - do they have any redeeming qualities? Is there someone you can move in with in the interim? This is not a great environment to being children up in.... good luck OP. You need it.

Fuck that, a 9 month pregnant woman does not sleep on the sofa!

You need to get yourselves moved out ASAP.

Bride and groom pay for outfits for the wedding party.or MIL can if she’s that fussed.

Your husband is still behaving like a teenager. He’s playing at being a grown up.
But it’s no wonder when he’s still living at his Mummy’s house when he’s a married man with children!

People buy houses and have to deal with paying a mortgage/bills/rent etc - I’m
Sorry but that’s just how it is. It’s also your choice to have purchased a property that needed so much work, you must have realised the financial implications when you went ahead and bought the house.

The wedding and the nonsense over a dress etc is neither here nor there. Suck it up and keep the peace or refuse to pay and deal with the fall out.

I don’t understand how come you’ve bought a house if you’re thinking of emigrating. You sound upset that the in laws gave money to your sil and not to you and your dh for the wedding. However, they have. Free rent for 5 years and £300 for the 4, soon to be 5 of you. That is worth one hell of a wedding.

Meant to add, as for the sil, I can imagine she’s confused you can’t afford to pay for the dress when you’ve had a lot of help from her parents. Fgs just let your mil pay for the dress. Or go halves.

When I got married I didn't ask anyone to pay for a thing- if she wants it then she should pay for it- is it because you asked if she was going to be a FG that shes being like this? sounds like a brideszilla to me and your husband needs to MAN the hell up!!!

No chance! They are taking the piss!!

I think it's so tight to demand the wedding party pay for their own matching outfits, picked by the bride and groom. Fair enough if they are on a budget and ask them to turn up in anything smart they have.

And get your pregnant butt back to your bed, let mummy's boy sleep on the sofa. It's disgraceful he's not got your back on this one.

I hope the renovations aren't too stressful for you I was permanently stressed when we had ours. I'm in awe you've managed to stay calm for so long, especially with little ones and a baby on the way!!

Right my sons GF has lived with us for 5 years, and I can understand and appreciate how delicate the balance is so everyone gets on.
You have to be very relaxed and not let things get to you and just let things go that are actually very irritating to you!
The OP is (in my opinion ) being unreasonable she has lived there for 10 years, okay there have probably been disagreements, and it has not been plain sailing all the time but she has survived 10 years marriage intact , and until now all relationships still "working" to a certain extent.
This arrangement has been beneficial financially and practically to the Op and her DH, they are now able to afford a home of their own.

Weddings (and the arrangements thereof) are very emotional times and I would imagine that the MIL has probably had enough. The OP is heavily pregnant, hormonal and the MIL has had SIL2B giving her an ear bashing.
So the OP and MIL after many years of "rubbing along" have fallen out!.
Honestly OP for the sake of future family harmony I would suck it up apologise for being hormonal, say that you are worried about the cost, as the house is costing more than you thought etc etc etc.
Op this woman took you in and on the whole you have got on okay for the past 10 years, please do not fall out with your in laws for the sake of 200 quid, just calm down about it all, and look forward to the birth of your child and the fortcoming wedding calmly

In many circles it's very normal to buy your own bridesmaids or flower girl dress. I would have expected to and seen it as a bonus if the bride and groom paid.

As much as it may have been financially beneficial for your in laws to have you there, fuck me, ten years of you all. I'm surprised you haven't all killed each other yet. I mean helping your family is great, but ten years of them living with you as adults like this. Would drive most people insane.

Ten years, the mind boggles.

The OP is going to get a hell of a drop when she discovers what it costs to run a house with two adults and three children.

The OP is going to get a hell of a drop when she discovers what it costs to run a house with two adults

Indeed, and she has the balls to say the sister in law is using the in laws for financial gain. When she's been taking from them for ten years.

I'm struggling to think this is real.

Firstly get yourself back into your bed tonight
You are right to be angry about this, they sound like a bunch of shits, bullying you, they should be bloody ashamed of themselves, including your spineless husband!
In your shoes I would let mil pay for the dress, and make that the last thing she has any control over.
You need to save your energy for your baby and your other children,but make this all situation a wake call for you, re “dh” and his family!

I think you might feel better if you separate the issue in hand and not add it to the catalogue of "living with the in laws".

Re the dress: You agreed that your daughter could be a flower girl. It is perfectly fair to say that you won't pay for the dress, but if MIL has offered, I think you need to accept graciously and let your daughter attend the fitting.

For all the rest... August isn't too far away after a decade. I would try to focus on the light at the end of the tunnel!