A decade with the in-laws and I think I am ready to explode......

[Flyddo]

So, this year will have been a decade that I have lived with the in-law's. To be honest so much has happened in those 10 years, I married their first son, we have 2 children and another arrival imminent (well next week) and giving myself some credit, I do believe I deserve some recognition for keeping my sanity over the last decade!
I would be lying to say that I didn't appreciate my mother in law at times, yes live in baby-sitters has been nice although rarely to I abuse this as the aggro involved just isn't worth it. In fact I can count on one hand she has had the children over night in the last 8 years!! It is usually to look after them whilst I go shopping and they are ill or don't want to go or if I am working a late shift until my husband is home! Occasionally she may hang my washing out, but I mean as much as I am grateful the other things she does really do p me off.
So, this weekend (now it may be my pregancy hormones 38 weeks and counting..) I have exploded in rage. Never before has this happened as I usually just plod on and keep the peace. This time however, I do not know what happened!!
I feel myself rambling but any advice/support/anything grateful!
So my husband's brother and his fiancee are getting married this summer, both sets of parents have donated large sums of money for this (we didn't ask or expect anything when we got married), needless to say my future sister in law accepted and the expenses have gone up and up. Now it began with- "would you mind paying for your husband's suit as we can't afford to pay for everyone's"-Ok I accepted this, this has since become "Oh and the matching shoes so everyone looks the same, and can you pay for your son's too so he matches". I declined the later as feel a 3 year old shouldn't have to hire a suit for £120! My husband's will cost a grand total of £160 to hire!! On top of this we have to shell out 2 night accomodation at a cost of £200 because they are having the wedding so far away. Now the straw that broke the camel's back this weekend was when I was asked if my daughter would be a flowergirl, "no problem" was my response. "So she has to be measured for a bespoke handmade flowergirl dress to match the other flowergirl, I need an deposit of £100 for the dress this weekend and you can pay the other £100 when you collect the dress!". Sorry to say I snapped. I politely said I couldn't afford it. No problem she said.
Now the next thing I know, she is crying on the phone to my M-I-L, apparently I had ruined her day because the flower girls won't match. I am being totally unreasonable etc!
Now please, surely this wedding is about the bride and groom! Given the vast sums of money they have been given surely the suits and dresses should come under the budget if that is what they are requesting the people wear!?!?! - Please someone tell me I am wrong???
So, my M-I-L is siding with her new soon-to-be daughter in law, both have accused me of being totally selfish and unreasonable. Apparently this wedding isn't about me, I totally accept that and nor do I want it to be about me, in fact I don't even want to be going!!! But why should I be bullied and made to feel like s over a flowergirl dress that I can't even afford just to please her! I mean I am 38 weeks pregannt, hormones are raging and it seems to me it is m vx Bridezilla!
So now the atmosphere at the in-law's is horrific, no one will speak to me, my husband is furious as I have upset his precious mother and he doesn't see the problem in just paying for it (I think his mother may have influenced him somewhat!!!) just to keep the peace. So I have been relgated to sleeping on the sofa.
Not really sure where to go from here to be honest but any feedback, advice gratefully received!!!!
Sorry feel like I have rambled!!

Well, so much going on, but until you MOVE OUT nothing of any of it will change. What kind of advice or support do you expect from this thread OP? I can understand that you must be extremely stressed, but the fundamentals are not in place - a family home for you and your partner and children. When is the house going to be ready enough to move in to? Can you compromise and move in before it's fully ready? It doesn't have to be perfect but I promise you moving out will make a difference, at the moment none of you get any space to process anything. Really the dress and cost is small fry, it's just triggered how you feel about much bigger and more difficult things.

I wouldn't get the dress... I wouldn't apologise... and I wouldn't be sleeping on any gawd darn sofa at 38 weeks pregnant...

Please.. find your backbone.. no doubt worn down by this MOB... and tell them ALL.. to GET TO FUCK....

That is incredibly nice of your in laws to let you all live with them so long.
Your title implied they live with you for their benefit, when in fact it's the other way round.
We're they thrilled to discover number three was on its way?
Flower girl issue - yanbu.

You are on the sofa at 38 weeks pregnant?

Walk the fuck out, however unlivable that house is, go there with your children and a camp bed.

Fine, living with them means you had a deposit blah blah. The others are having a big wedding paid for so that's even anyway.

Tell your H - the writing is on the wall. I'm not 18 any more and I won't be pushed around in MY family. We're staying at OUR house from now on, fine, you don't agree, we put it on the market and split. Your mother is not the boss of me, you or our family.

So basically you'ved lived there for your advantage, not because you were forced to?

You have a house but are still with the ILs!!

'My husband knows no different'

You need to think about this. You are 38 weeks pregnant, being harassed by his family, sleeping on the sofa but it's MIL's fault because he 'knows no different'

He is the problem and you need to move into your own house asap, preferably leaving him with his mummy.

Wedding issue: say you will all attend and enjoy their day as regular guests, in regular non expensive but still lovely wedding guest clothes. Your DD can still enjoy the day and wear a lovely affordable outfit, as can your DH.

Living arrangements, well it sounds like you will be moving out very soon if you've bought a house?? Could you not have private rented all these years?? (Yes I am aware private rented is more than council property rent but even so it would have granted you your privacy).

Not sure why you are on the sofa? Is it because you had a row with DH? Can't get comfy in bed? Don't have a bed? SO many questions.

If they want the flower girls to wear £200 dresses, they need to pay for those. Focus on that one issue and on having your baby, and don't make any quick decisions about the rest of it

You don’t have an in-law problem you have a DH problem. Get him told!

I think its a shame they did not ask your daughter to be a flower girl in the first instance - but in our culture it would not be the thing to do to ask someone if your child could be in their wedding party. I did want my flower girls to match - although I did offer to pay for the outfits. My husband was bestman at his friend's wedding and he was expected to pay for the suit, shirt, tie and shoes etc to match the groomsmen.

You only have a MIL problem in that she’s shit stirred between you and your husband. The fact that you’ve lived with them and was it ‘worth it’ means nothing as you can’t change the past and also it’s allowed you to raise a family and do a degree!

YANBU to not pay for the dress. YABU to put it at the feet of your PIL and their generosity at letting you live with them for so long. Your husband needs a swift kick up the rear for letting you sleep on the sofa at 38 weeks, especially with such a ridiculous reason.

I suspect your life will not get easier when you move out.

You need to move out. When will your house be ready? And when I say 'ready', I mean 'liveable'. Summer is coming, so could you move in earlier than planned just to get your own space? How on earth you've managed to live in someone else's house for 10 years I will never know. My DM and I can manage about 3 days in each other's homes and we start to argue, and I'd have rather been homeless than live with my ILs!

It's bloody outrageous that at 38 weeks pregnant you're sleeping on the sofa. Kick your DH out of bed and tell him to sleep on the sofa if he finds your company next to him so objectionable, but don't be ousted from your own bed when you're heavily pregnant. Your DH is an arse of the highest order for doing that. I don't even know you and I'm feeling angry on your behalf!

YANBU re the dress for the SILs wedding.

Staying with your in laws is something I would not do especially when they are not talking to you and you have no husband support. How close is house to bring liveable? Given you are so far advanced in pregnancy I would move back into your bed. Let your mummy's boy husband stay on sofa.

So yes living with them we have managed to save for a deposit and get on the ladder but the hassle and stress I question whether it is worth it.

Well, yes, I imagine that independent grass does look greener. You might feel a bit differently if you actually had moved out, and had to bear the costs of your life choices, including the multiple children. I'm sorry but expecting to live with people, apparently rent-free, for a decade and never to be inconvenienced with them or to think they're being unreasonable over something is incredibly unrealistic.

Now the straw that broke the camel's back this weekend was when I was asked if my daughter would be a flowergirl, "no problem" was my response. "So she has to be measured for a bespoke handmade flowergirl dress to match the other flowergirl, I need an deposit of £100 for the dress this weekend and you can pay the other £100 when you collect the dress!". Sorry to say I snapped. I politely said I couldn't afford it. No problem she said.
Now the next thing I know, she is crying on the phone to my M-I-L, apparently I had ruined her day because the flower girls won't match. I am being totally unreasonable etc!

I've also just re-read this bit - so it seems that they think (is this also what you think?) that you asked for your DD to be flower girl, rather than them asking you? 'No problem' implies a favour being done. If so then I actually think it's quite reasonable that you, rather than they, pay for her outfit. If you don't want to do this you need to accept her not being a flower girl at all.

Just move out. Living with them for 10 years is pretty ridiculous. I understand your reasons why, but you should really have sorted your living situation out prior to having kids, I couldn’t think of anything worse than having kids while living in someone else’s home!!!!!!

To keep the peace your going to have to just pay for the dress and bits for the wedding, otherwise it will make life at home hellish!

But yeah, the time has come to move out. Your grown adults with 2 kids of your own, time to get on with it!

Living with your in-laws while you marry and raise a family of 3 children was never going to be easy so YABU to complain as it was always going to happen. You and your dh should have prioritised moving out and becoming independent adults with your own home before having children, your inlaws are probably just as glad to get their home back as you are that you are leaving. However difficult it has been no one forced you to make the decision to stay there for 10 years and she has done you a huge favour letting you live in their home with 2 children and you should never forget that.

But if your SIL wants specific suit hire or shoes for your dh, ds and/or flower girl dresses the bride/groom should be paying for them not you.

Margaret, I think it reads that the OP was asked if her DD could be flowergirl, not the other way round.

OP, you have lived with your in-laws for 10 years through choice, you have been able to pay a deposit, you have had 2 children while living with your in-laws, have been able to study, as has your DH. I think you've been incredibly lucky, and have probably had far more monetarily than your BIL and future SIL will have had with the financial help towards their wedding.

I think spending £500 to be able to attend your DH's brother's wedding and keep the peace until you finally move out is not actually that much to ask.

It doesn't make sense .....

You have a house but are having it renovated

But you were emigrating to where?

Sorry will try and answer everything, basically we have paid rent at 300 a month plus half.of all the bills so it was mutually beneficial and I suspect that once we have moved out they will struggle massively financially.
The house should be ready by August depending on the workmen and my husband and the baby!
I was asked back in January whether my daughter would like to be a flower girl (no costs were mentioned, likewise whether my husband would be a best man) the costs have suddenly been sprung on.us when my future SIL announced it the day before the suit fittings.
Another reason my MIL is so pissed is because when I had said NO to paying for the dress and that my daughter wouldn't be going to the fitting she then undermined me by saying to my crying future SIL that she would pay for.it and take my daughter to the.fitting. So I think it is also.about me.making my MIL lose face by me standing up to her and saying No!

Sorry, you're quite right raglan, and apologies OP, I completely misread. I agree that you shouldn't be paying for the outfit if they asked you.

Why on earth are you still in this family.
Move, and leave your twat of a husband behind, unless you can cope with living like this.
Your dh will never be able to support you and will always put his dm first.
I couldn't live like this and I'm not pregnant.
So sorry you are in this position it isn't going to get any better.

my good lord.. does nobody read the content of threads anymore ?

I would tel MIL if she wants to pay for the dress then fine. You aren't being intentionally difficult but you simply cannot pay several hundred pounds to attend someone else's wedding.

Secondly, you need to address the issue with your weak husband. That is the bigger issue here.

I think emigrating sounds like a very good idea.

I'd be tempted to say that you absolutely agree the wedding isn't about you, therefore you're happy to take your children as regular guests without their involvement as flower girls or anything else. If they don't like that, you're happy not to go at all.

Can you not move into the house early? We bought a house that needed a new kitchen and bathroom when DS was a baby. We prioritised getting the bathroom in and having a bedroom that was livable in, and managed OK - we had another room where we could plug a microwave, kettle and fridge in temporarily, and essentially we camped out for a bit and used the launderette for clothes washing. It wasn't great, but I was in a similar situation to you in that we'd been living with my parents and it had become pretty unbearable.