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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants to go on holiday...without me!

342 replies

whatstheweatherupto · 30/04/2018 11:02

Not really sure how I feel about this situation so wanted some unbiased opinions…

DH and I have been together for nearly 10 years, married for 3, 1 DC who is just about to turn 18 months . We have had our ups and down like all couples but are generally happy. The last couple of years have been a struggle as I don’t think DH was prepared for how much things would change having DC but we’re slowly getting through it.
DH‘s best friend is female. This bothered me when we first got together, as we were all very young and DH wasn’t very good at introducing us and wanted to keep us apart which made things worse, however after all these years I can honestly say that I have no issues with her, I class her as a friend as well and actually find it nice that DH has such a close friend. I have no trust issues with her as I know she Is not remotely interested in DH and has recently started seeing someone

DH and I do not get a lot of time together as we both work full time. He works shifts whereas I work Mon-Fri hours. We share pick ups and drop offs of DC as much as possible, although the majority of childcare and housework falls to me as DH struggles with sleeping being on a shift pattern. However his shifts does mean that every couple of months he ends up with a full 10 days off work. He also plays golf nearly every other Saturday and will use his annual leave to book days off around this schedule. He also plays football some Saturday mornings before golf for a local pub team so some weekend days he can be out from very early until late which obviously eats into the time we have together with DC.

At the end of last week he came home saying he had been talking to his friend and for the first time in years she has the some of the same time off as his (she also works shifts in a similar industry to him but they rarely seem to have more than 1 day off together) and that they have been talking and wanted to go away for a few days. He did ask me if me and DC would like to come as well but unfortunately I cannot have the time off due to work commitments so we wouldn’t be able to.

He told me how much they were looking to spend and then spent the majority of the weekend looking for holidays for them both and they are now on the verge of booking to go away for 5 nights.

For the record my issue isn’t him going away with his friend, its more the issue that he wants to go away and leave us for 5 days when we get limited time together as it is. Yes he would be just sitting around the house on those days off as I would be at work and DC at nursery but we would be back in the evenings and he would be able to pick DC up a bit earlier. There is also loads of work that needs doing around the house. It’s also his attitude to the money he would be spending. They’re looking at spending about £500 altogether (food, drink, airport parking etc) and when I said that could be put towards some new carpets in the house his answer was it’s his money, he works hard for it so he wants to enjoy it for a change!

Not sure what I am looking for her, part of me thinks he is being unreasonable, but then part of me does think he should be able to go and enjoy himself.

OP posts:
Helmetbymidnight · 01/05/2018 06:54

Nah, dh married me- part of that means he doesn't get long intimate drinking holidays with another woman.
Sucks huh.

PlumsGalore · 01/05/2018 07:02

I don't see the problem separate holidays, but only if you both get them. His attitude to HIS money and spending when you need carpets is shit though.

Cambionome · 01/05/2018 07:06

You say that you don't have much support with your dc - well, you do actually. You have a dh who is able to spend extended periods of time with your child but chooses not to do so, preferring instead to go away with a friend and get pissed.

What does that tell you about him?

jkl0311 · 01/05/2018 07:10

Yeah I would let him go, plan to kick him out over the 5 days... sounds like a first class pr#%k, door locks changed, his bags packed or sold !! Then when he gets back say my life my house my child. Go!!!!!!!

minmooch · 01/05/2018 07:14

My oh goes away with his mates golfing and biking. I go away with my mates. There's no counting days etc.i love the fact that we both can go away. But if he were to say to me he wanted to go away just him and another woman I would find it so disrespectful and unnerving. It is different that he wants to spend time with just this woman. Just as strange if I said to my oh that I was going away for 5 days with another man. I think I know what his response would be.

speakout · 01/05/2018 07:25

Oh my god I love Mumsnet. Not just a shag. RAMPANT sex.

Maybe I am judging things through my own glasses.

Sex tends to be rampant when I am on holiday.

Chattymummyhere · 01/05/2018 07:31

No children, Sun, Alcohol, New body and sneaky because wife at home. Yup that’s not just sex that’s hot and heavy rampant sex.

headintheproverbial · 01/05/2018 07:32

Is it wrong that I'm reading this thinking 'I'd love to go away on holiday without my DH and DCs'??

I all seriousness as some others have said, I don't think a long weekend is the problem but his attitude in relation to this and the rest of it (lack of housework, not mucking in, time spent on hobbies) is!!

speakout · 01/05/2018 07:38

No children, Sun, Alcohol, New body and sneaky because wife at home. Yup that’s not just sex that’s hot and heavy rampant sex.

Exactly.

MaryShelley1818 · 01/05/2018 07:42

I wouldn’t mind at all if DP wanted to have a holiday without us, it’s healthy to do stuff apart BUT in all honestly I would not like it if it was just him and another woman, that would really bother me.
As for not going away if you have young children...I’m going away with friends for 3nts in Spain in a few weeks to celebrate a significant Birthday! We have pfb baby DS who is 5mths old. DP can’t wait to have him all to himself and enjoy some Daddy bonding days out :)

stopthecavalry · 01/05/2018 07:43

Some posters may be doing the OP a disservice and encouraging her to minimise a problematic situation. This is not about going away separately. Lots do that including me and DH abd in mixed sex groups. This is about a man who is already not a great partner going on a drinking holiday with his female BFF who he clearly has history with as he was reluctant to introduce them. If they are not already having sex (ag

then after 5 days of sun, sand, skimpy swimwear and sangria then they will be. Sorry to be harsh OP but I think they are testing you and you need to put a stop to it. Or Even if there is no current intent you are giving him a massive opportunity to cheat. I am faithful mcfaithful married to mr faithful mcfaithful but I think even we might struggle in those circumstances.

stopthecavalry · 01/05/2018 07:45

Sorry about typos - bloody phone

Snog · 01/05/2018 07:50

He needs to take you toddler away with him.
And you both need to work out how to divide jobs and childcare and personal free time equably.

Snog · 01/05/2018 07:51

Will they be Sharing a room?

WeirdAndPissedOff · 01/05/2018 08:09

I also think this situation is disrespectful. And even if nothing happens, it's got the potential to widen the cracks in your relationship.

It sounds as though DH really does think of himself as single, doesn't pull his weight, struggles with parenting, resents spending "his" money on the family. He's finding the reality of domestic life difficult and restraining. In comparison, a week away on holiday living it up as a couple with his female best friend, alcohol, fun, relaxation....
It's the life he left behind, compared to the life he's struggling to accept.

It seems so many affairs start and continue because it allows the cheat to relive their fantasies of being single - all the fun, none of the responsibility - while their spouse is the "boring" one who does all the drudge work at home. And it usually happens when DC are small.

If nothing else, presenting it as a done deal and not discussing it to you is very disrespectful and shows no consideration at all, and that's before we even get to his comment. ("My money" "enjoy myself for once").

ReturnofSaturn · 01/05/2018 08:10

Shock I agree with a pp, they are testing you as to how far they can go under your nose.
Cant believe how blase you sound about this OP.

monkeychickenpig · 01/05/2018 08:16

I don't mind partners going off but him being ok going off with a woman!!
I don't mind how much how trust him it's actually quite sad

I would try to see if he can go with a man

My husband has been really affected by my health and having a baby so some small breaks have helped even though friends think it's been selfish at times especially as I've been sick

I don't mind if it in turn helps him to be happier

But knowing you work full time and he is ok with leaving you to do everything is pants

Has he discussed returning the favour?

expatinscotland · 01/05/2018 08:20

Fuck that! The poor dear works shifts, therefore he can't pull his weight in the life he selected - marriage and a child, but he has energy to do his hobbies every weekend. And now a 5 day holiday 'for a change', he 'works hard', deserve to enjoy 'his' money. This person has checked out of family life. £500 to get get pissed for 5 days but no family holiday because he has a right to 'enjoy' his money. What a selfish piece of shit. YANBU.

Dungeondragon15 · 01/05/2018 08:26

I don't think OP said that her DH and bf had a relationship in the past did she? I presume that there is nothing in past history to suggest sexual attraction. In my opinion, that could just mean that only one of them is not attracted to the other and from what OP says it is the woman. There may not be any chance of anything happening but who would be happy for their DH do go off on holiday with a woman they might be attracted to for five days? That is massively inappropriate and disrespectful.

TammySwansonTwo · 01/05/2018 08:32

He’s already taking the piss by prioritising hobbies over time with his family. This would be the last straw.

I partly feel that the fact it’s a woman is a red herring, I’d be equally pissed off if it were a man. Having said that, if he is fixated on living a “single life” and he gets that opportunity with a long term female friend and a lot of booze, away from the stress of family life —not that he’s getting any of the stress— that’s a cause for concern.

I’d be asking when he’s going to start prioritising his family.

EyeRollChampion · 01/05/2018 08:37

He is a selfish, immature, oblivious, entitled cunt of epic proportions. And not just regarding this ridiculous holiday...

How are you not seeing this??!

TheDrinksAreOnMe · 01/05/2018 08:47

I missed the bit where OH and his mistress have already had a sexual relationship

So did I, in that case, HELL FUCKING NO?!

CanaryFish · 01/05/2018 08:50

Tell him to bring DC with him see how quickly he makes up an excuse as to why it wouldn’t be suitable for a kid after all

Strigiformes · 01/05/2018 08:57

Hi op, why don't you book a family holiday and invite his best mate and her boyfriend to that. That way you include her but on your terms.

ToffeeUp · 01/05/2018 09:05

This:
You say that you don't have much support with your dc - well, you do actually. You have a dh who is able to spend extended periods of time with your child but chooses not to do so, preferring instead to go away with a friend and get pissed

As for him 'inviting' you and DC along, that is to shut you down if you were to complain, after all he asked you along, not his fault you couldn't have time off....