DH wants to go on holiday...without me!

[whatstheweatherupto]

Not really sure how I feel about this situation so wanted some unbiased opinions…

DH and I have been together for nearly 10 years, married for 3, 1 DC who is just about to turn 18 months . We have had our ups and down like all couples but are generally happy. The last couple of years have been a struggle as I don’t think DH was prepared for how much things would change having DC but we’re slowly getting through it.
DH‘s best friend is female. This bothered me when we first got together, as we were all very young and DH wasn’t very good at introducing us and wanted to keep us apart which made things worse, however after all these years I can honestly say that I have no issues with her, I class her as a friend as well and actually find it nice that DH has such a close friend. I have no trust issues with her as I know she Is not remotely interested in DH and has recently started seeing someone

DH and I do not get a lot of time together as we both work full time. He works shifts whereas I work Mon-Fri hours. We share pick ups and drop offs of DC as much as possible, although the majority of childcare and housework falls to me as DH struggles with sleeping being on a shift pattern. However his shifts does mean that every couple of months he ends up with a full 10 days off work. He also plays golf nearly every other Saturday and will use his annual leave to book days off around this schedule. He also plays football some Saturday mornings before golf for a local pub team so some weekend days he can be out from very early until late which obviously eats into the time we have together with DC.

At the end of last week he came home saying he had been talking to his friend and for the first time in years she has the some of the same time off as his (she also works shifts in a similar industry to him but they rarely seem to have more than 1 day off together) and that they have been talking and wanted to go away for a few days. He did ask me if me and DC would like to come as well but unfortunately I cannot have the time off due to work commitments so we wouldn’t be able to.

He told me how much they were looking to spend and then spent the majority of the weekend looking for holidays for them both and they are now on the verge of booking to go away for 5 nights.

For the record my issue isn’t him going away with his friend, its more the issue that he wants to go away and leave us for 5 days when we get limited time together as it is. Yes he would be just sitting around the house on those days off as I would be at work and DC at nursery but we would be back in the evenings and he would be able to pick DC up a bit earlier. There is also loads of work that needs doing around the house. It’s also his attitude to the money he would be spending. They’re looking at spending about £500 altogether (food, drink, airport parking etc) and when I said that could be put towards some new carpets in the house his answer was it’s his money, he works hard for it so he wants to enjoy it for a change!

Not sure what I am looking for her, part of me thinks he is being unreasonable, but then part of me does think he should be able to go and enjoy himself.

If he pulled his weight with the childcare / housework, I would say ok (as long as it didn't use the only family money available for a holiday this year - in which case it would need to be a holiday we could both go on).

But he doesn't, does he?

...the majority of childcare and housework falls to me as DH struggles with sleeping being on a shift pattern. ...He also plays golf nearly every other Saturday ... He also plays football some Saturday mornings

The majority of childcare / housework doesn't fall to you because of his sleeping patterns. He has time to do his share, but chooses not to. In fact, it's worse than that - he chooses to leave his share for you to do. What kind of a person does that make him?

Are there really women that would be happy to stand with their kids and wave her husband of on holiday with his female ‘mate’?

I have a best friend of the opposite gender, who walked me down the aisle at my wedding (no father in picture), who I've known since I was 13 yrs old, who is straight and married now too. I would never go away on holiday with him alone leaving behind my husband and young dc. If it was a group of friends with BFF included then yeah maybe but not alone for 5 days.

think if this situation was reversed and a woman wanted to go away for a few days with her best friend and her husband was saying he didn't want her to, people would be saying she should be able to go.

This would be my reaction - IF things were otherwise equal, you spent family time together and money wasn't an issue, none of which appears to be the case.

I've been away with a friend with OH's blessing and would be happy (well not happy but wouldn't disallow it!) for OH to do the same, although he tends to 'equalise' by having regular mates' nights which I don't.

If my best friend was a man and "we" invited my husband and kids (knowing they wouldn't come) and I said I wanted a real holiday for a change he wouldn't be happy.
It's the combination of him going with just one woman, them inviting her but not really meaning it, him seeing it as the best fun he's had for years and him not playing much of a role in the family anyway that all add up.
Having said that at 18 months I think it's time to sleep train the sprog. Teaching children to sleep is part of parenting and the OP sounds as though she has attachment issues.

@oldbutstillgotit if you're both faithful and trust each other how is it a difficult position? I respect my husband and he respects me, it's why we can be ourselves, have separate interests, friends and social lives as well as sharing lots of other things together, with no one laying down rules about who can and do what with whoever. It's an equal trusting relationship

He needs to grow the fuck up!!!

And working shifts is NO excuse plenty of people work shifts and still pull their weight at home!

1 Not pulling his weight at home.
2 Buggering off for AT LEAST half a day most weekend (I notice his shifts/sleep issues DON'T interfere with that!
3 several previous weekends away with hobbies
4 "his" money - not any more! Now you have DC that money is prioritised for them.
5 female "best friend" and NOBODY else going 🤔 does she golf with him too?
6 much drink will be involved = lowering of BOTH their inhibitions. I'm with other pps on this - recipe for an infidelity DISASTER
7 break from what?! Apart from work he seems to do sod ALL!
8 making you out the bad guy spoiling his fun
9 has given NO consideration to yours or DC's needs
10 uses up annual leave on his hobbies NOT on being available for family time.

About time he started playing it bloody straight! When he's off work he's not on leave from being a husband or father or even an adult with a home to run! Plenty he could be doing on those days off. And they don't involved going off on a pissed up jolly!

In all honesty I don't think he SEES himself as a husband and father. But as a single man with no "ties". That's what he wants to be.

Have you real proof she has a new relationship? Do you know her well at all?

Because frankly I'm also wondering WTF SHE is thinking!

I think he knew damn well when he asked for you and DC to go too that you couldn't! That's so if you'd raised any queries he could say "I'd hardly ask you and kids along too then would I?!" It's bollocks

I'm supposedly one of the "cool wives" (even though I'm single 😂) I think men and women can be platonic friends BUT there are boundaries. Nothing that looks like a date and DEFINITELY not holidays just the 2 of them! Completely inappropriate and MASSIVELY disrespectful to their partners/spouses.

I'm with Oohmavis - they've shagged before, making it even MORE likely something will happen on this holiday.

if you're both faithful and trust each other how is it a difficult position?

Because they are planning on staying alone in a hotel or apartment abroad getting drunk for 5 nights. Why would you put yourself in that position? Faithful and trust is all very well but wise people also make sure they don't let themselves get into tricky situations.

Yy Graphista.

OP if they shag and you find out about it he will use "i was pissed" as an excuse.

So how would be feel if you spent your time off with a male friend and went away for five days?
It strikes me that he leaves most of the parenting and house stuff to you which shows he likes the thought of family but prefers his hobbies to spending quality time with you both. This is a wonderful opportunity for extra time with dc and if there is nothing to hide there is no reason why he cannot take your dc for some dad time.
As to the comment about his money and enjoying himself for a change, that is unforgivable. If he means this and wasn't just lashing out, he needs to be called out on it. You work hard but have your priorities straight. He is behaving like a fifteen year old singleton.
You've got bigger issues here.

@Dancingleopard

Yeah you spend your money on carpeting the house love while your dh fucks off for a romantic get away

Absolutely not. I'd be going on my own holiday when he gets back.

Like I said....going on holiday wouldn't be the issue for me... I just wouldn't marry a man who had a female best friend...it doesn't sit well with me.

Once you accept the female bestie ... (some may call it controlling not to accept it) ... then you open yourself up to this kind of nonsense. Because you probably wouldn't have an issue if his best friend was male.

Why couldn't he arrange a holiday with your DCs? Given that he regularly has a whole 10 days free time, why is a holiday with a mate his 1st thought?

& I don't care if anyone calls "insecure" - holiday with opposite sex friend = no boundaries. Not everyone respects themselves or relationships be it theirs or someone else's

I really hope you get a holiday later in the year and that he has the DCs whilst you do so.

I kind of know what you mean @sandy. It’s difficult to say, as I don’t know if it’s the fact she’s a woman, or just that he is so close to a friend that he wants to spend £500, (when he clearly isn’t exactly minted), and 5 nights alone with someone else, when his wife isn’t all that happy about it. The decision was just made. MY holiday, MY fun time.

I think a weekend away for a specific activity, (stag / hen / hobby etc), is quite different to a 5 day piss up, while the wife’s at home working and looking after the children. How weird would you feel explaining that to someone if the topic came up while you were chatting to another couple by the pool or something?

Anyway, I don’t know any men who have a “best friend” tbh. My male friends never say “x is my best friend”. I know some women who do say that, but it’s quite unusual ime.

I guess it’s maybe a bit like a brother / sister relationship, but then my Dh wouldn’t go away with one of his sisters for 5 nights either, unless the whole family was going. They are all married and think their dhs would find it quite strange if my dh and one of their wives wanted a 5 day holiday on their own, even though they’re brother and sister.

It works both ways too I think. I know female best friends who were so, so close. They were both married to men, but one of the women then realised she is gay and has a new partner who is (obviously) a woman. The friendship had to change a bit, because there was another, very important woman in one of their lives. I don’t know why the fact she was a woman made things any different to when she was married to a man, but it did seem to.

YANBU. He really needs a rethink about whether he is married or single, a parent or not. We all need breaks but it doesn't seem like he plays family man very much of the time to merit thst break.

I missed the bit where OH and his mistress have already had a sexual relationship.

So not quite the brother/sister relationship at all.

They once found sexual attraction in each other- so can easily be found again.
Also I assume they like and are fond of each other as they are " best friends".
Throw into the mix 5 days alone together,, booze. If this is a hot country then bikinis, skimpy clothes, a beach holiday can be a very sensual one, " can you do my back with after sun"....

This is rampant sex waiting to happen.

Gets to do hobbies every weekend, go away for his hobby, doesn't have to do night time with dc, you do majority of childcare and housework whilst working full time and he wants to spend he little money/time you's have with another woman on holiday getting drunk?

THis is the problem - the unfairness of his request. His thoughtlessness.

YANBU

Give him the rope OP.

The ways he acts towards you and his family speaks volumes.

If my OH were to plan a holiday like this then I would wave him cheerfully on his way.

He may find the locks changed when he gets back and his clothes in the front garden.

Job done.

Why do you want to stay married to someone who cares so little for you and ds?

I'm sorry - but I am going to go against the grain. In my country - its very normal for couples to holiday/travel separately with friends or even by themselves. Holidays are a wonderful way to recharge, follow your travel dreams and bond with the special people in your life - both with your partner/children and with other special family members and close friend...and ironically, also with the person who has been left behind and is looking after the kids - because you become so grateful to them to allow you this opportunity that it helps enhance your relationship.
In the last 10 years, my hubby has willingly looked after our children while I have followed a childhood dream and gone trekking in Peru with a sister, met a childhood friend in Paris, visited family in Australia and spent the weekend in Sweden with an old university friend. My mum doesn't like flying, so my Dad regularly travels all over the world without her. My sister's husband regularly goes cycling in Europe with his cycling buddies, and sometimes she comes to visit me while he does that.
BUT, if you live in England, I don't think its culturally something that happens here. My English husband would prefer to go on holiday with me and the kids. I have tried to encourage him to go on holiday with his brother who lives overseas and who he adores - but he said his brother's English wife would not want her husband to go on holiday without her. My husband was bestman at a wedding overseas - and I encouraged him to go go a week early so he could just chill out on the beach and relax...but in that week he felt very lonely without us and decided he would only go on holiday with us next time.
For me it is not that your husband wants to go on holiday - its is he willing to look after the kids by himself at some point so you can go on holiday with your family or friends - or even by yourself doing something you really want to do.

Yes what elderflowerandrose said

Have you got a lovely male friend to take off with when it's YOUR turn to enjoy your free time and money?
I'm gobsmacked at his attitude and I would be seriously irked by the idea.

They may not have any bad intentions, but proximity, being relaxed and happy, the fact your DH is struggling with the transition to parenthood... I agree with pp that this is an accident waiting to happen.

More importantly, your relationship is currently out of balance. I think this happens in the early years more often than it sometimes seems on mumsnet, and many men do struggle with the transition to parenthood. But you need to talk about it with him, and point out that you're taking the load whilst his shifts are against him, but then when he gets the time back (time off which is intended to make up for the shifts you are facilitating) he doesn't pay that back by taking the load off you.

I'd approach it from the angle that you want time off during the weekends too - and how can you as a family facilitate that. I know that my DH is much more open to me saying what I need than to negative comment. I also know that in the early years he didn't even realise how much of the load I was taking - it somehow didn't hit his radar.

From experience, I do think it's critical that he starts taking more responsibility for your child, and doing more childcare. That's what makes the bond grow - which is what makes the hard work of parenting ok. You're probably trying to make it easier for him by taking in as much of the burden as possible - but it may actually be working against you.

What the raging girl said. I don't have an issue with my DH taking a weekend away - I do the same. I would find a lengthy one on one holiday with a female friend a bit unusual tbh although I suppose that is a very individual thing. It's the rest of the set up you describe that would not work for me though. I guess it would be fair if you got the same break/time off but I'm guessing you don't want to leave your DS for five days.

He sounds awful- if he really can't see this is massively inappropriate then yeah I'd start winding down the marriage.

This is rampant sex waiting to happen

Oh my god I love Mumsnet. Not just a shag. RAMPANT sex.

I would probably be pissed off OP but I would make sure I got the equivalent 5 day holiday in return. My DP goes away a lot with friends but I go out a lot socially and also have less frequent weekends away/girls holidays. So make sure you get time to have fun as well. And a bloody nice present from his trip.