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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Red flags or AIBU and overreacting

88 replies

Lucybeach555 · 30/04/2018 07:02

I’ve been seeing a new man for two months now, it’s been going really well so far and we really like each other, so I’m hoping IABU but I can’t really tell, and as much as I like him I don’t want to continue with something that isn’t good for me (I sometimes struggle with self esteem and cant always tell if I should or shouldn’t accept behaviour from other people hence me asking)

He stayed at mine last night. I have a two year old dc, he doesn’t have any (which could explain things) dd was being particularly boisterous all afternoon, although obviously this is fairly normal. We were watching a film but I had to get up every couple of minutes to see to her, as well as making dinner so I was running around pretty much constantly. Later on when she was in bed, I sat down next to new bf and he asked if I could turn the big light off. I said (lightheartedly, although I was slightly ) it was just as easy for him to do it as I had just sat down. At about ten he suggested watching another film and I said I didn’t think I’d be able to stay awake, as dd still wakes up multiple times a night and doesn’t let me sleep beyond 6am, but he said it was too early for him to go to bed and he wouldn’t be able to sleep. I should have just gone to bed, I realise, but I didn’t want to leave him to watch the film on his own so I stayed up.

I was up several times in the night then finally at 5.45 with her and once she was settled playing I decided to get back into bed for 5 minutes (I live in a flat and bedroom is right next to where she plays so I can hear her) and he asked if his car keys were out as he was worried she would damage them, obviously implying I should go and check. Again I was a bit and said he could check if he liked as I’d just got back in bed for a little while. So he did and came back, lay down and said “I’m so tired!”. I replied that he could have as long as he wanted in bed, at which point dd was summoning me again so I got up and here i am.

Now I realise that all might sound really petty and unimportant, and that’s why I’m asking AIBU. is this nothing or an indicator that he’s a bit self-centred? I feel like there’s no acknowledgment of how much running around I do, and how little sleep I’m allowed to have. I know it’s my responsibility and that’s just how it is, and I’m not expecting him to fix that for me in any way! Just an acknowledgment and understanding of it I guess and I’m wondering if these quite small things are an indicator of something I should be wary of, because if so I’d rather know now.

Sorry for how long that is

OP posts:

Whatshallidonowpeople · 30/04/2018 07:06

I don't think introducing a 2 month relationship to a child is appropriate but any man I've ever dated would jump at the chance of an early night...

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 30/04/2018 07:06

I think two months is a pretty short amount of time to know someone and if you're feeling more exhausted by him being there, that's not a great sign.

motorpink · 30/04/2018 07:08

Bloody hell why is he staying over when you have a 2yo after just a few weeks?

Please protect yourself and your child

Sirzy · 30/04/2018 07:09

I don’t think you can expect a childless person to come into a house with a boisterous 2 year old and “get it” straight away tbh!

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 30/04/2018 07:09

I wouldn’t have introduced him so quickly I don’t think. It is a concern that he seems to want to add to your workload. Too soon to tell what he’s like.

MyNameIsTotoro · 30/04/2018 07:09

YABU for introducing him after only 2 months.

But yes, he sounds a bit of an inconsiderate knob.

Good, healthy relationships should be easy and not require lots of second guessing.

TuTru · 30/04/2018 07:10

He doesn’t sound sympathetic enough to your life at the moment. I think you should have a break from him and concentrate on yourself and your dd for a while, or you will get tired out xx

Namethecat · 30/04/2018 07:12

Tbh op if he were to suggest getting up and going to your child in the night or to be the one who got up early and played with them alone in a room whilst you had a lay in that for me would be a big red flag. It was your choice to stay up for the film. And you'd be getting up in the night for you child if he wasn't there anyway. Again tbh I wouldn't be having a man stay over at mine with a child in the house that early in a relationship. Maybe having him there was unsettling your child.

coffeekittens · 30/04/2018 07:13

YABU for introducing a man into your DD’s life after 2 months of dating, especially having him stay over night. It sounds like he frustrates and tires you which isn’t a good sign.

ZoeWashburne · 30/04/2018 07:14

Wayyyy too early in the relationship to be having men sleep over when your daughter is home! You still don’t really know this man.

He sounds like he isn’t ready for the reality of kids, which doesn’t work with your life. If I were you, next time I would wait until at least the 6 month mark at a minimum to introduce your daughter to a new man.

swingofthings · 30/04/2018 07:17

It's hard to understand the impact of a 2yo on own's life before you have one yourself. Did you imagine to be exactly like that before you got pregnant?

He is most likely discovering what it means to date someone with a young child and needs time to adjust. The examples you cited do give some red flags, but at the same time, it is the time to talk about things, so you can both decide whether it's worth continuing the relationship.

You need to explain to him that this is your life with your dd, that there will be time when you will have to go to bed earlier because you have to be up early and how would he feel being on his own to watch a film. He might be absolutely fine with it, or he might complain. You'll get to the point when you'll know whether he just needs a bit of time and help to adjust or whether he is not going to accept that you're a mum and it will be time to move on.

MadameEdam · 30/04/2018 07:18

A lot of creeps so specifically target single mothers, particularly those that have self-esteem issues, as they are easier to manipulate, dominate, they won't ask too many difficult questions etc. You know nothing about someone in two months, don't allow them to be in your home with your vulnerable child overnight.

Mousefunky · 30/04/2018 07:20

No, I don’t see any red flags tbh. He is a childless man who I’m guessing has very little to no experience with toddlers. He is used to his single child free life and probably doesn’t quite understand why you wouldn’t have the energy to stay up past 10pm to watch films with him. It’ll take some getting used to on his behalf, or your relationship will fizzle out.

slowco4ch · 30/04/2018 07:20

You’re worth more than trying to run around after a man after 2 months. I absolutely agree that after 2 months he shouldn’t be staying over with a child in the house. At the same time I also think he sounds like a selfish man, although I’d be a bit if someone was making themselves so totally at home at my place after a short time. Too early, too fast, too relaxed about a new boyfriend around you little one so early.

backsackcraic · 30/04/2018 07:22

He sounds like he has no interest in your life and responsibilities. If he's like that now it won't get any better I don't think. See what he's like in a months time and if he's no different you know he's not the one for you.

Ignore the haters, your life, your rules.

Pengggwn · 30/04/2018 07:24

I don't think 'red flags', he just sounds a bit lazy. He is probably surprised how much work a 2 year old is.

I love MN. You ask 'AIBU about X' and you get fifty replies about how unreasonable you are to do Y!

Aprilmightbemynewname · 30/04/2018 07:26

2 months in you should be going out getting to know each other. A boisterous toddler who doesn't sleep would not be a plus point for any new bf..

FissionChips · 30/04/2018 07:26

Ignore the haters, your life, your rules

Yup, people concerned about the impact on the the child just be haterz yo’.

Much too soon to introduce them op, you don’t even know the man properly.

BamBamIsALittleShit · 30/04/2018 07:29

You expected a lot of him, it's your house - you turn the light off and go and check on your kid playing. He doesn't have kids so he doesn't know what it's like when they give you a shit nights sleep. YABU.

TammyWhyNot · 30/04/2018 07:29

I think both instances are quite slight, it could be a bit of a red flag or not.

He might be lazy / expect you to do everything, you could be a bit martyrish “look how much I have to do).

The fact that you are asking is reason enough to be on the alert.

Is he attentive and considerate in other ways?

motorpink · 30/04/2018 07:31

I love MN. You ask 'AIBU about X' and you get fifty replies about how unreasonable you are to do Y!

Probably because if you don't do Y, X would not happen! It's all relevant.

Avasarala · 30/04/2018 07:32

Too early for a sleepover. Maybe he could have met her for a bit at the play park, but way too early to have him sleeping over.

And id be ending it. The child is your responsibility, but the rest of It? Staying up late when you were tired with no understanding from him, being told to get up and turn the light off, being expected to check for his car keys... even if I didn't have a kid and a guy acted like tha, id be done. It's just showing he expects someone else to do all the work for him. Imagine what housework will be like etc. I cant stand lazy, entitled people so I wouldn't find him attractive.

auntyflonono · 30/04/2018 07:33

I don't think you sound comparable.

DownTownAbbey · 30/04/2018 07:33

He's not considerate this early on so I suspect he'll have you running around after him and your DD. He sounds lazy at best and could be testing you to see how far he can go with bossing you about.

Pengggwn · 30/04/2018 07:34

motorpink

Not an etiquette I subscribe to, to be honest.

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