Red flags or AIBU and overreacting

[Lucybeach555]

I’ve been seeing a new man for two months now, it’s been going really well so far and we really like each other, so I’m hoping IABU but I can’t really tell, and as much as I like him I don’t want to continue with something that isn’t good for me (I sometimes struggle with self esteem and cant always tell if I should or shouldn’t accept behaviour from other people hence me asking)

He stayed at mine last night. I have a two year old dc, he doesn’t have any (which could explain things) dd was being particularly boisterous all afternoon, although obviously this is fairly normal. We were watching a film but I had to get up every couple of minutes to see to her, as well as making dinner so I was running around pretty much constantly. Later on when she was in bed, I sat down next to new bf and he asked if I could turn the big light off. I said (lightheartedly, although I was slightly ) it was just as easy for him to do it as I had just sat down. At about ten he suggested watching another film and I said I didn’t think I’d be able to stay awake, as dd still wakes up multiple times a night and doesn’t let me sleep beyond 6am, but he said it was too early for him to go to bed and he wouldn’t be able to sleep. I should have just gone to bed, I realise, but I didn’t want to leave him to watch the film on his own so I stayed up.

I was up several times in the night then finally at 5.45 with her and once she was settled playing I decided to get back into bed for 5 minutes (I live in a flat and bedroom is right next to where she plays so I can hear her) and he asked if his car keys were out as he was worried she would damage them, obviously implying I should go and check. Again I was a bit and said he could check if he liked as I’d just got back in bed for a little while. So he did and came back, lay down and said “I’m so tired!”. I replied that he could have as long as he wanted in bed, at which point dd was summoning me again so I got up and here i am.

Now I realise that all might sound really petty and unimportant, and that’s why I’m asking AIBU. is this nothing or an indicator that he’s a bit self-centred? I feel like there’s no acknowledgment of how much running around I do, and how little sleep I’m allowed to have. I know it’s my responsibility and that’s just how it is, and I’m not expecting him to fix that for me in any way! Just an acknowledgment and understanding of it I guess and I’m wondering if these quite small things are an indicator of something I should be wary of, because if so I’d rather know now.

Sorry for how long that is

Listen to your gut always
He doesn't sound interested in trying to fit into a relationship with a child in tow. In a new relationship, especially with someone with a child you would try to prove to be supportive and helpful to show you are keen to take part and a good future partner.

No you should not have just gone to bed. How can you think going to sleep whilst a relative stranger is in the house with your two year old is a good option?

I can see that pretty much every poster has said that two months is way too early to introduce a new man to DD and that he should not be staying over re safeguarding issues etc.

Fair enough! However, can I just say that if she had been dating him for a year, how would that make him any safer re safeguarding and her DD?

Yes she would know him better but men who have ulterior motives for dating women with small DC's do not wear badges saying "beware, potential abuser"

One poster said "when I had been dating my DP for some time he would sneak out of bed to occupy my DC whilst I slept in" and whether this poster had been seeing this man for 2 months or two years there is always risk.

I am not suggesting that either of these two men I have mentioned are that way inclined. Just that everyone is focusing on it being too early and I want to ask how would the risk be less after 6 months etc or a year?

BTW I speak as someone who was once told " I want to take you for lunch so we can spend some alone time. This is just between us, don't tell Auntie"

Spoken by the uncle I had idolised for 15 years, who had hugged me and picked me up as long as I could remember.

That was 15 years, not two months remember. I was lucky, tough and resilient and told him to do one.....it could have ended very differently though.

Remember, abusers do not wear badges.

However, can I just say that if she had been dating him for a year, how would that make him any safer re safeguarding and her DD?

Well, op would have more of an idea of whether her and her boyfriend would work out long term, helping to protect the child from the emotional harm that can come from a parent having various short term live in partners.

Fission I meant how could she be sure he was safe re safeguarding her DD any more after 6 months than 2 months? I was coming from the angle if, god forbid, he was a predator.

Bit more likely to find out more info about a person by two years, you would have had atleast some chance of hearing from people about any past behaviour etc.
Not fool proof by any means at all but it’s better than nothing.

What everyone else said: too soon and toddlers are a pain in the arse. Mine were a pain in the arse and they were mine! So, perhaps he will bugger off after that and save you the trouble of dumping him. Next time you get a new bloke, get a babysitter and go out. I can’t think of anything less romantic than a date early on in the relationship with a pain in the arse toddler around, especially one who doesn’t sleep.

I cannot get my head around having pretty much a stranger staying over and you going back to bed.

I'm a single mum, I get it's difficult but there's now way I could have someone I hardly know in my home and more importantly around my 2 year old DS.

Actually i havnt brought any man home but anyway, my ex waited nearly 2 years before introducing his girlfriend to our DS

Find all of this quite scary actually and for the record, I don't think he's the one showing red flags

Sorry op but I think the red flag is your parenting

Another one who thinks you are the one with red flags. You don't know this man and he's staying over with your child in the house? Why would you take the risk with your child's safety like that?

You might as well save your breath (or rather typing fingers). OP hasn't come back and isn't likely to, with everyone telling her what a bad parent she is.

As other posters have said, it's way too early to be letting him stay over at your house with your daughter. I think you should stop that and concentrate on going out and getting to know him more outside of the home to see if you are compatible. By the sounds of it I don't think he's a great catch tbh.

When my dp first started staying over he would bend over backwards to help me out. If I was dealing with DD1 then he would sort dinner or tidy up or whatever. He pretty much always got up with us in the morning and later when they had known each other longer would often sneak out of bed when he heard her stir in the morning and let me sleep in a little bit.

No wonder the child abuse rates of the children of single mums are so high.

OP: i am begging you on behalf of your child who does not have a voice here: DO NOT LET A MAN YOU BARELY KNOW SPEND TIME ALONE WITH HER. Please. Do not let him "attend to her" or "check on her" or "prove himself" by showing interest in her. She is 2 years old. She is barely verbal. She can not articulate herself if anything bad happens.

This is fucking crazy.