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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Red flags or AIBU and overreacting

88 replies

Lucybeach555 · 30/04/2018 07:02

I’ve been seeing a new man for two months now, it’s been going really well so far and we really like each other, so I’m hoping IABU but I can’t really tell, and as much as I like him I don’t want to continue with something that isn’t good for me (I sometimes struggle with self esteem and cant always tell if I should or shouldn’t accept behaviour from other people hence me asking)

He stayed at mine last night. I have a two year old dc, he doesn’t have any (which could explain things) dd was being particularly boisterous all afternoon, although obviously this is fairly normal. We were watching a film but I had to get up every couple of minutes to see to her, as well as making dinner so I was running around pretty much constantly. Later on when she was in bed, I sat down next to new bf and he asked if I could turn the big light off. I said (lightheartedly, although I was slightly Hmm) it was just as easy for him to do it as I had just sat down. At about ten he suggested watching another film and I said I didn’t think I’d be able to stay awake, as dd still wakes up multiple times a night and doesn’t let me sleep beyond 6am, but he said it was too early for him to go to bed and he wouldn’t be able to sleep. I should have just gone to bed, I realise, but I didn’t want to leave him to watch the film on his own so I stayed up.

I was up several times in the night then finally at 5.45 with her and once she was settled playing I decided to get back into bed for 5 minutes (I live in a flat and bedroom is right next to where she plays so I can hear her) and he asked if his car keys were out as he was worried she would damage them, obviously implying I should go and check. Again I was a bit Hmm and said he could check if he liked as I’d just got back in bed for a little while. So he did and came back, lay down and said “I’m so tired!”. I replied that he could have as long as he wanted in bed, at which point dd was summoning me again so I got up and here i am.

Now I realise that all might sound really petty and unimportant, and that’s why I’m asking AIBU. is this nothing or an indicator that he’s a bit self-centred? I feel like there’s no acknowledgment of how much running around I do, and how little sleep I’m allowed to have. I know it’s my responsibility and that’s just how it is, and I’m not expecting him to fix that for me in any way! Just an acknowledgment and understanding of it I guess and I’m wondering if these quite small things are an indicator of something I should be wary of, because if so I’d rather know now.

Sorry for how long that is

OP posts:
kalinkafoxtrot45 · 30/04/2018 08:58

Not really any red flags, but you don’t sound compatible. I wonder what he is thinking today.

And yes, 2 months is far too early to introduce a new man to your child and for him to stay over with her there. Perhaps he thinks so too and that’s why he discussed want to check on her.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 30/04/2018 08:59

Sorry didn’t want to

motorpink · 30/04/2018 09:03

I’ve always been really strict about routines and sleep (as rest is so important to me and children) so there’s no way I’d allow a 2 year old to be up all night and get me up that early to start with

Seriously rolling my eyes at this.

Do you just have no idea?

Whitesea · 30/04/2018 09:03

Pre having my own kids, I remember visiting friends who had children. I didn’t understand at all the extent of exhaustion and the amount of work involved.

I don’t think this guy gets it either. If you write your original post after twelve months of dating, then my answer would probably be different but after a couple of months. I understand it must be hard to date as a single parent and I don’t suppose your child will view your boyfriend will be seen as anything more than one of your friends at this time. I am overky cautious but I think you need to be careful x

FASH84 · 30/04/2018 09:03

OP I have worked for more than a decade with perpetrators of domestic and sexual abuse, I cannot suggest strongly enough that this is too early to have this man in your home with your daughter, there are men that specifically target single mums for a variety of reasons none of them positive. Also please consider the impact on DD, you are now considering ending this relationship, so what about the next one? It can lead to skewed views about relationships, self esteem and expectations of women. He doesn't sound very clued up about kids, but why should he be he doesn't have any.

AuntyJackiesBrothersSistersBoy · 30/04/2018 09:08

I don’t think he has any concept of being around a young child. He is single and childless. You are a Mum and whilst you do need a life/relationships etc, I can’t really see how this one might work. I think, that in a very short space of time, he will resent the attention you must give your dd. It’ll be very hard work for you and frankly, I just wouldn’t see this man as part of your (and your daughter’s) life.

It must be hard but you are not BU and there’s nothing in this, for you.

persypear · 30/04/2018 09:09

I agree that he sounds lazy and inconsiderate and maybe lacking in experience with children. I would not be impressed with his atitude at all.

Also, if I had a young child and was looking for a new long term relationship, I would only choose a partner who was enthusiastic about parenting and who was is willing to potentially be an engaged step parent, not someone who just treats your DD as just your responsibility, and will ignore her, while wanting you to fetch and carry for him. In this sense I totally agree that you need to really take time to get to know and test the new partner - and meet family and friends etc.

He might want a child-free date, and probably the OP does too but the reality is that there is a young child in the equation. She is going to be around for many years to come and deserves to be treated as a precious part of her mothers life and she should not be seen as an inconvenience.

So to me you have seen what kind of 'dad' and partner he would likely be, and so yes, I would say that these are warning flags.

AuntyJackiesBrothersSistersBoy · 30/04/2018 09:11

I also agree with previous posters. Two months in, you don’t k ow enough about this man to have him staying over, with your child. Sorry Flowers

Vangoghsear · 30/04/2018 09:15

IMO on a Sunday afternoon you should be focusing on enjoying time with your DC not sitting in front of the TV with new man. And it's far too early for him to be involved in your home life with DC as others have said.

Failingat40 · 30/04/2018 09:16

The red flag here is your parenting op.

A 2 year old girl in the house with a new man being allowed to stay over screams out loud to me as all wrong and very risky.

No not every man is an abuser but many are!

Focus on your daughter, she doesn't need to see mummy with men. Two months is no time at all to get to know someone.

Your gut is telling you he doesn't have your best interests at heart, he's already showing early signs of being selfish.

BitOutOfPractice · 30/04/2018 09:28

Of course he doesn't "get" what it's like living with a 2yo. Why should he? That's not a red flag, it's just his life.

If I were him, I'd be calling it a day to be honest.

As for how soon you introduced him, yep, far too soon.

frieda909 · 30/04/2018 09:36

2 months is so, so early that I think you still feel very much like a ‘guest’ in someone’s house when you stay over. For that reason, I wouldn’t find it particularly offensive for someone to ask ‘could you please turn the light off?’ although it does seem a bit thoughtless to wait until you’ve just sat down. You telling him to do it himself as you’ve just sat down sounds more like an old married couple rather than two people who have only just started dating.

I wouldn’t say ‘red flags’ as such but it doesn’t sound like you like him very much, from your post at least.

rach01pink · 30/04/2018 09:44

You're going to sleep and leaving that little one with a strange man in her house. No no no.... You need to put your child first this is really worrying.

Nolikey · 30/04/2018 09:49

Agree it’s too soon for him to be staying over. If you finish it with this guy then it’s on to the next. It’s too confusing for a child.

Meepmeepvr0000m · 30/04/2018 09:56

When my dp first started staying over he would bend over backwards to help me out. If I was dealing with DD1 then he would sort dinner or tidy up or whatever. He pretty much always got up with us in the morning and later when they had known each other longer would often sneak out of bed when he heard her stir in the morning and let me sleep in a little bit.

He had looked after his nephew who was a few months younger quite a bit so knew it was hard work sometimes. In short, his attitude would have pissed me off but I do adopt a "get of your arse and do it yourself" attitude.

Whitesea · 30/04/2018 10:14

Are you the first parent he has dated?

If you are, he isn’t really showing signs of being selfish, he seems just completely unaware of the amount of work that children are. Unless people are used to being with kids, most of us are the same. Remember what it was like when we had our first child and being totally exhausted?

When my friends had children before I did, not once did I ever offer to babysit so they could go out. It simply never dawned on me. That wasn’t me being selfish, it was me being completely unaware that they couldn’t go out unless they had a babysitter.

Your BF sounds like I was and you sound tired, very tired and resentful that you are running after two people instead of just one. Maybe it isn’t the right time for you to date yet? If I had as much broken sleep, I wouldn’t have the energy for anyone or anything else. Maybe keep things casual, go out with your friends, have a good time and then wait until the next time you have an offer of a babysitter and go out again? Or if it is an option, see if your parents can keep your child overnight every now and then so you get time to yourself.

It must be so hard doing it all yourself.

mzcracker · 30/04/2018 10:21

I would expect someone I'd known for 2 months and was dating/sleeping with to be able to get up in my house and turn off a light, make himself a brew or food or whatever.
If he was that uncomfortable in your home then why not say 'do you mind if I turn off the light or check on my keys'.
He sounds like he saw you running about after your toddler and decided you should be running after him as well.

Piffle11 · 30/04/2018 10:46

I think he's not interested in your DD - as far as he is concerned, she is YOUR daughter, so your responsibility. I think it's possible that he may never bother to help you out where she is concerned, which means that you are always going to be doing everything. I think it's a little worrying that after just 2 months he's acting like he's already taking you for granted. I don't know of any 2 month relationship where someone would rather stay up and watch a film than go to bed with their newish partner.

Nikephorus · 30/04/2018 10:52

Like PP said, if it was your house, the light comment may have been more of a 'do you mind if we turn the light off' and the keys more of a 'did you see if my keys were out when you were up'.
This ^^. And I completely agree with PP that 2 months in is far too early to have him staying over.

Nikephorus · 30/04/2018 10:54

I don't know of any 2 month relationship where someone would rather stay up and watch a film than go to bed with their newish partner.
Maybe he figured that DD would wander in if they were in bed and want to sleep with her mum (and OP might fall asleep!) whereas staying up they might have more chance....

Whitesea · 30/04/2018 11:11

More than likely he isn’t sleep deprived and stays up late because he can get up late and/or catch up with sleep any time.

He seems to be getting a hard time on here. If the OP felt he was rude and lazy then obviously she experienced it first hand and knows if that was the case or not.

Trust your instincts OP and don’t just settle!

jkl0311 · 30/04/2018 12:11

Red flag for me, he doesn't understand your responsibility

Nikephorus · 30/04/2018 12:27

he doesn't understand your responsibility
Maybe that's because he doesn't have kids and has only had 2 months to get used to this one?! Hmm

AuntyJackiesBrothersSistersBoy · 30/04/2018 13:53

Why do people want to move so quickly into new relationships? My son was 4 when his dad met someone else and left. DS and I were on our own for years. I did have a relationship but now DH only stayed over when DS was at his dad’s once a fortnight.

Mayday01 · 30/04/2018 21:54

As you seem OK with having a comparative stranger in you and your DD's home and staying over, I'd think about looking at ways to strengthen your boundaries OP.
You sound quite vulnerable, and unfortunately there's arseholes out there, which this is like catnip to.
Keep your relationships out of your daughters life until you really know someone.
This man just sounds like someone who hasn't had kids and wasn't too impressed at being made to play house so soon.