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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Red flags or AIBU and overreacting

88 replies

Lucybeach555 · 30/04/2018 07:02

I’ve been seeing a new man for two months now, it’s been going really well so far and we really like each other, so I’m hoping IABU but I can’t really tell, and as much as I like him I don’t want to continue with something that isn’t good for me (I sometimes struggle with self esteem and cant always tell if I should or shouldn’t accept behaviour from other people hence me asking)

He stayed at mine last night. I have a two year old dc, he doesn’t have any (which could explain things) dd was being particularly boisterous all afternoon, although obviously this is fairly normal. We were watching a film but I had to get up every couple of minutes to see to her, as well as making dinner so I was running around pretty much constantly. Later on when she was in bed, I sat down next to new bf and he asked if I could turn the big light off. I said (lightheartedly, although I was slightly Hmm) it was just as easy for him to do it as I had just sat down. At about ten he suggested watching another film and I said I didn’t think I’d be able to stay awake, as dd still wakes up multiple times a night and doesn’t let me sleep beyond 6am, but he said it was too early for him to go to bed and he wouldn’t be able to sleep. I should have just gone to bed, I realise, but I didn’t want to leave him to watch the film on his own so I stayed up.

I was up several times in the night then finally at 5.45 with her and once she was settled playing I decided to get back into bed for 5 minutes (I live in a flat and bedroom is right next to where she plays so I can hear her) and he asked if his car keys were out as he was worried she would damage them, obviously implying I should go and check. Again I was a bit Hmm and said he could check if he liked as I’d just got back in bed for a little while. So he did and came back, lay down and said “I’m so tired!”. I replied that he could have as long as he wanted in bed, at which point dd was summoning me again so I got up and here i am.

Now I realise that all might sound really petty and unimportant, and that’s why I’m asking AIBU. is this nothing or an indicator that he’s a bit self-centred? I feel like there’s no acknowledgment of how much running around I do, and how little sleep I’m allowed to have. I know it’s my responsibility and that’s just how it is, and I’m not expecting him to fix that for me in any way! Just an acknowledgment and understanding of it I guess and I’m wondering if these quite small things are an indicator of something I should be wary of, because if so I’d rather know now.

Sorry for how long that is

OP posts:
Nousernameforme · 30/04/2018 07:35

Ignoring all the toddler related business.

If I had just sat down from making someone dinner and they asked me to get up again to turn the light out when they were just as capable I would be miffed.
The same with the keys even if i had just popped out for a wee and just got back in and then they wanted me to go find them something that they were perfectly capable of doing themselves I would not be pleased.

To add in that he didn't jump at the chance of coming to bed with you after just 2 months, whilst not red flag behaviors for me I don't think I would continue with the relationship.

He sounds a bit self involved and like he expects someone to run round after him, you already have a child you don't want an extra one.

Bin him off and give your self some time, maybe do a freedom course.

WindsweptNotInteresting · 30/04/2018 07:37

No, I don't necessarily agree it sounds like 'red flags' (that expression is so over-used!), it sounds more like he's not really had a lot of experience with kids and doesn't appreciate how much work they are. To be honest, I'm not sure I appreciated how constant it would be before I had kids, I just saw other parents dealing with it seemingly easily.

Like PP said, if it was your house, the light comment may have been more of a 'do you mind if we turn the light off' and the keys more of a 'did you see if my keys were out when you were up'. Obviously the comments may signal bigger problems down the line, but in my opinion right now it's not that bad. If you like him apart from that, I would give him another chance and the longer he is with you, the more he'll 'get' how much work children are.

Esspee · 30/04/2018 07:38

Go with your gut feeling. Can't believe an early night was not an attractive proposition to him. (and I agree with all the other posters who feel you are unwise to have this relative stranger in your home so early in the relationship)

Jessikita · 30/04/2018 07:41

Hmmm I’m going to be really honest...

I’ve always been really strict about routines and sleep (as rest is so important to me and children) so there’s no way I’d allow a 2 year old to be up all night and get me up that early to start with. But if it doesn’t affect me personally then I’m not bothered.
But as a childless person, if he let his child do that I would be seriously judgey and if end the relationship as I wouldn’t want to be disturbed multiple times etc. And because I wasn’t a parent I just didn’t “get” it or how hard it is.

I’d have a chat with him and explain your priorities lie with your daughter and you understand that mightnor be right for him etc

coffeecupofmilk · 30/04/2018 07:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pinkdelight · 30/04/2018 07:48

"Today 07:26 Aprilmightbemynewname

"2 months in you should be going out getting to know each other. A boisterous toddler who doesn't sleep would not be a plus point for any new bf."

This completely. But the damage is done now and it doesn't sound like this guy is gonna work out. Next time date for six months before getting into the domestic drudgery zone then he might know and love you well enough to understand and engage.

Tinkobell · 30/04/2018 07:48

I think you've allowed this guy into your home too soon. If you'd taken the time to get to know him better and vice versa he'd have an idea of your routine with your young DD. Personally, I'd cool it right off. He's seems to have you running around dancing to his tune. The reality is you cannot possibly maintain that for even a few nights without feeling knackered and getting ratty with your DD.
He's not a considerate chap. Cool it off!

mavismcruet · 30/04/2018 07:51

I wouldn’t say red flags, but he doesn’t sound particularly pleasant.

mzcracker · 30/04/2018 07:52

I wouldn't be having him round my child after only 2 months, let alone checking on her. You've known him for 8 weeks..he could be anyone!
He sounds a bit of a knob tbh.

userabcname · 30/04/2018 07:53

Well he does sound fairly inconsiderate. Even before I had a baby, if I'd visited a friend with a child I wouldn't have expected them to be picking up after me, I would have helped make dinner / tidy up and made them a cuppa while they put their feet up once child was in bed. I also think it's a bit odd he put off bedtime- surely at 2 months he's dying to get you in bed as much as possible! Maybe not red flags as such but I wouldn't hold out for this relationship to go the distance...I would be feeling weird about it too OP. Also, if he continues expecting you to run around after him that definitely IS a red flag - please be careful you don't turn into his skivvy!

Tinkobell · 30/04/2018 07:54

OP....in fairness to your boyfriend, you've only presented the down-side and not shared any positives about him? What do you think you and your DD are getting out of this relationship?
On the face of what you've described, he sounds more like a big kid rather than a rock of support.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 30/04/2018 07:55

She’s your responsibility - you shouldn’t be asking a bloke who’s only staying over for the first time to go and check on her. But she didn't ask him to check on her DD. She told him to check on his own keys!

But he does sound like hard work, not really what you need with a 2 year old!

Oysterbabe · 30/04/2018 07:59

It's your house and he hasn't been there much so I don't think it's odd that he asks you to turn off the light, he's probably not completely comfortable there yet.
I agree with others that it's really early for him to be meeting your child and for him to be staying over while she's there. Safety issues aside, I know it would be confusing and worrying for my 2 year old. If it doesn't work out, how long before the next boyfriend is staying over? Do you want her witnessing various boyfriends come and go?

CocoaGin · 30/04/2018 08:13

So basically he sat on his arse the whole time and wanted constant attention. You already have one child, why on earth would you want to add a man-child into the mix. And it's way way way too soon to have introduced him to your DD, they both were unlikely to have been ready. I'd say go back several gears and slow it down, give yourself chance to get to know him better.

Mylittleboopeep · 30/04/2018 08:30

I honestly don't think there are any red flags OP. Remember he has no dc's and until you have them it's impossible to know how exhausting they are. He's only had a snapshot!

To posters saying he was BU for wanting to watch a film....why? He didn't demand OP stay up too did he? He simply said he wouldn't be able to sleep so early. It was OP's choice to join him. If he'd wanted a night of sex when OP was clearly tired that would BU.

As for the lights and the keys, yes he could have done that but they are minor things OP needs to remind him of and she did.

I get what posters are saying about it being too early to introduce him to DC. However, not all SM's have an army of babysitters to take over every time you need them. Perhaps OP does not have a lot of support and so has had to make this decision.

It's too early to tell OP but if he seems a good guy in other areas I'd definitely give him a chance and monitor how things go.

Good luck

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 30/04/2018 08:32

Personally, I'd say goodbye. Far too soon for him to stay over, but he doesn't sound like a keeper. How old is he OP ?

Mylittleboopeep · 30/04/2018 08:35

Weird that posters are saying "why wasn't he dying to get you in bed after only 2 months"?

I can imagine the responses if he'd tried that. There would be ten pages of LTB he's an arse etc.

Perhaps he didn't suggest that because he recognised OP was tired.

Next time he comes over OP suggest he helps with dinner and see how he reacts.

3stonedown · 30/04/2018 08:36

I don't think he did that much wrong to be honest. You've only known him 2 months. Some people might consider it rude if he just went about in your house turning lights off that he wanted off. With the keys, he's a stranger to your DD, so might not feel comfortable getting his keys away from her. If she had been playing with them he would look like the bad guy taking them off her.

The only thing I agree with you on is that he should have gone to bed when you wanted to.

PoisonousSmurf · 30/04/2018 08:41

I'd be more worried about him being alone with your child! Please keep an eye on him at all times. Never trust a new bf when you have a non verbal child in the home.

UnsuspectedItem · 30/04/2018 08:42

Sorry OP but your house and your child. Neither of which are his responsibility, particularly after 2 months.
You seem to be having long term relationship expectations from a man you've been seeing 2 months. If it were a year in, he would be unreasonable. But for 2 months - YABU to have him over whilst your DD is there. Unfair on her especially but also him.

UnsuspectedItem · 30/04/2018 08:45

So basically he sat on his arse the whole time and wanted constant attention.

Or perhaps his new girlfriend invited him over for a date, which doesn't typically mean running around after a toddler you barely know.

If he has no experience with kids then it's not unreasonable for him to not get involved particularly with a "boisterous" 2 year old.

He came over for a date, not a mothers help job.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 30/04/2018 08:52

I don't see any massive red flags, BUT he seems to be clueless about the demands young children bring, and since you have a lively 2 year old, this is a problem. He will either pick it up quickly, or it won't work out - I would probably sit him down for a plain spoken chat now to avoid wasting time and energy if he's not really up for it.

ShatnersWig · 30/04/2018 08:52

Sorry, I think the red flags are for him and not for you.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 30/04/2018 08:54

Also I agree it is unusual to refuse an early night! Unless he is a real night owl, which wouldn't work with your life.

ReanimatedSGB · 30/04/2018 08:58

Does he come over to your house because you are short of both childcare and money, OP? Because I would be less than thrilled about having a man I barely knew come over for a 'date' in my home if I had a small child - not least because if I liked the man I would want to be paying attention to him and having fun, not constantly having to get up and run after a toddler. I'd feel the same about any kind of socialising with childfree friends, really.

I think he could be a bit lazy and selfish, but if coming to yours is the only way he gets to see you because you are short of cash and childcare, it might be more a matter of him not being that used to life with toddlers.

However, if it was him pushing for the 'dates' to be in your house, and for you to cook etc, I'd be saying: dump. He wants his feet under the table and regular sex, but isn't bothered about how you feel and whether you'd like a break, or a night out or whatever...