Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inheritance: equal or by need?

108 replies

HitPeakScandi · 29/04/2018 20:50

Just wondering what the MN jury say on this.

My mil is doing her will. All of dh's siblings - but not dh - have received money to allow them all to purchase apartments out right. One of his siblings is older, middle aged, single, no kids, always worked in a steady job but has a disability; the others are younger and have made choices which have meant they don't earn much (that's fine but it's not because they couldn't have more).

MIL has arranged her will so that everything will be divided equally AFTER taking into account the money she has given them for the apartments.

So now we've heard from MIL that the two siblings who are struggling have approached her and asked that she basically make the will equal now, ignoring the money they've been given. Their argument is that they need the money more than DH.

Now, the reason we have money is because I sadly lost both my parents relatively early and I inherited signficant amounts from them and I have a job with a decent income. So financially, yes, we are better off and in a comfortable position although it's really all money from me rather than DH (I don't care but he does).

And before my parents died, DH and I struggled for many years when starting out juggling rent then mortgage and raising a young family - something that dh's younger siblings have been spared, they've never had to pay a mortgage or rent!

DH feels a bit betrayed that his siblings want him to lose out.

So should a will be based on equality or need? Should it take into account money given while alive? Is DH U to be a annoyed with his siblings for thinking 'he has enough'? Or is he grabby for wanting his share?

OP posts:
FASH84 · 29/04/2018 20:52

To me it should be equal, the only difference might be for a disabled child who might need specialist care of the parent was carer. Otherwise where is the incentive to achieve for yourself? No point buying my own house because then my inheritance gets cut... Seems odd

FASH84 · 29/04/2018 20:53

Or she could've given him an equivalent cash amount when she gave the others there's, regardless of what he would use it for

LolitaLempicka · 29/04/2018 20:53

I would say need. But that doesn’t mean life choices. If one child is disabled and has a lower standard of living due to that, then they should get more. But if one child is struggling due to poorer life choices then that shouldn’t get taken into account.

headinhands · 29/04/2018 20:53

As a parent I will do equal regardless of situation. Anything else can leave a legacy of hurt as far as I can see.

Chapman31 · 29/04/2018 20:54

It should be based on whatever the person writing the will wants.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 29/04/2018 20:54

Personally unless one of the children is dependent permanently due to disability then I think it should be left equally between all the children. It is impossible to account accurately for individual variations in circumstances, and different children make choices that will impact on their finances too. Only way to be fair.

ThereAreTooMany · 29/04/2018 20:54

I think equal is almost the always the best way to split estates. Unless there was a disability.

Bambamber · 29/04/2018 20:56

It should be whatever the will maker wants it to be. Its bad enough arguing over money when someone has died, but people squabbling over money while the person is still alive just seems so horrid.

Your MIL clearly wants it to be divided equally so everyone should respect that

Original poster
HitPeakScandi · 29/04/2018 20:56

MIL bought the apartments for them! They didn't have anything (it's a bit different with older sibling with disability who didn't ask for apartment and doesn't even live in it - it's rented out - but this sibling is happy that the money he got is taken into account)

OP posts:
Hattifattenner · 29/04/2018 20:56

Tldr - has to be equal unless there's a disability which means care needs to be maintained etc.

trilbydoll · 29/04/2018 20:56

My dad has given my sister a house deposit so he's given me the same amount to overpay the mortgage. Could your mil not do the same, just give dh the equivalent and then reassure everyone that the will is an equal split? They don't even have to know dh has had some money if they're that worried about it.

Liara · 29/04/2018 20:56

Equally. Disability and need can happen at any moment, and fortunes can reverse very easily.

I say this as someone who received nothing from my father and will receive equal shares from my mother as my half siblings who have a very, very wealthy father.

Tiredeypops · 29/04/2018 20:58

’Needs’ can change so easily so I think it should be equal. One of them could marry into wealth / get a promotion / win the lottery or your DH could suffer I’ll health / redundancy / whatever. It’s the fairest way - after all (barring disability) as siblings they likely had similar starts in life. Your DH shouldn’t be penalised for your wealth.

Original poster
HitPeakScandi · 29/04/2018 21:00

MIL wants it to be equal taking into account the huge amounts she has given to her other dc. She's put in will that DH will receive about the same amount that the others did and then the rest divided equally between them.

She would give to DH now too but she's left herself almost penniless other than her apartment.

Sibling with disability is more than happy with this arrangement. He's fiercely independent and holds down a good job - but MIL feels very protective of him which is why she forced him to take the apartment (he didn't even want it!).

It's the other two who don't have money (even though they both have always lived rent/mortgage free!) who think they deserve more and have been badgering MIL on the grounds that DH already has enough.

OP posts:
Fruitcorner123 · 29/04/2018 21:00

I agree it should be equal. While some people have less because they earn less others have less because of poor lifestyle choices or because they have chosen yo spend their money in other ways (holidays, fancy cars etc.) There is no perfect way but the fairest way it to make it all equal.

I would make an exception for a disabled or critically Ill child or grandchild who will need more care etc in their future.

I can't imagine ever asking one of my parents for money in a Will though that's so cheeky!

Bluelady · 29/04/2018 21:00

MiL got it right first time. What entitled little shits those two are.

Fatted · 29/04/2018 21:02

Or perhaps your MIL should just spend her money however she wants in her lifetime and leave her adult children to fend for themselves. Squabbling like money over this before people have even passed away is in terrible bad taste.

My parents have always brought us up on the understanding everything is split equally. Some of us have had more money than others at various times throughout our lives. But we know that our parents money is their's to do with what they want and choose.

lljkk · 29/04/2018 21:03

Equal is the ideal.
Would not be unreasonable for OP's DH to quietly make his case for equal.
Then let go of the result.
Because Very rare that it's equal. Not-Equal is what I have come to expect and always seems to happen IME.

My gran's estate was close to equal to her 6 kids. Then the two eldest forfeited their share so that their siblings (age 53-65) could have more. The eldest felt that was fairest. They are a close & loving sibling set, obviously!!

Original poster
HitPeakScandi · 29/04/2018 21:05

She has spent all her money - on buying apartments for her dc! The only money is in her apartment

She has literally nothing left, nothing. She gives them almost all her pension and buys absolutely nothing for herself. DH has never taken a penny from her - quite the opposite!

The reason it's being discussed is she's redoing her will and she has told everyone openly what's happening. It's important for her to reassure DH that he's not been forgotten

OP posts:
auditqueen · 29/04/2018 21:10

My mother left most of her money to my brother because he had kids and I don't and therefore he is more useful to society.

She also hated me.

My father, to make it up, is leaving me all his money because he thinks my brother is a knob.

Hideandgo · 29/04/2018 21:11

Equal every time. If there is a child with special needs then provisions and preparation should have been underway and made by the time their parents pass away. Done in the lifetime of the parents, so yeah, on death there might be a smaller pot but at that point it should be done equally.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 29/04/2018 21:14

The person who owns the money decides. Their money, their choice.

If my children were discussing my money and how much they thought they should get I'd leave it all to charity.

Mightymucks · 29/04/2018 21:16

Equal. In my family I am the one who loses out by this because my brother has more money than me and a more successful partner and less children but I still think that it’s right.

I don’t see why one child should be penalised because they have worked hard or made good decisions or decided to spend not to save or limited their family to save money.

I have to admit I have fucked up at some points, and I have also lost out because our parents treated us unequally as children and put a lot more care and effort into setting him up both educationally and emotionally. But that just makes me want them to treat us equally more. That was their fault, not his. He shouldn’t lose out because of it.

Noboozeforme · 29/04/2018 21:20

The person leaving it should decide what they want to do with their money.

I'm one of three siblings. Two siblings are living well the other sibling is living very very well (financially). If our parents choose to leave us money it should definitely be left equally.

Iloveacurry · 29/04/2018 21:20

She’s doing the right thing, leaving your DH his share of what his siblings have already received, then dividing between them all. His siblings are very lucky not to be paying a mortgage!