Inheritance: equal or by need?

[HitPeakScandi]

Just wondering what the MN jury say on this.

My mil is doing her will. All of dh's siblings - but not dh - have received money to allow them all to purchase apartments out right. One of his siblings is older, middle aged, single, no kids, always worked in a steady job but has a disability; the others are younger and have made choices which have meant they don't earn much (that's fine but it's not because they couldn't have more).

MIL has arranged her will so that everything will be divided equally AFTER taking into account the money she has given them for the apartments.

So now we've heard from MIL that the two siblings who are struggling have approached her and asked that she basically make the will equal now, ignoring the money they've been given. Their argument is that they need the money more than DH.

Now, the reason we have money is because I sadly lost both my parents relatively early and I inherited signficant amounts from them and I have a job with a decent income. So financially, yes, we are better off and in a comfortable position although it's really all money from me rather than DH (I don't care but he does).

And before my parents died, DH and I struggled for many years when starting out juggling rent then mortgage and raising a young family - something that dh's younger siblings have been spared, they've never had to pay a mortgage or rent!

DH feels a bit betrayed that his siblings want him to lose out.

So should a will be based on equality or need? Should it take into account money given while alive? Is DH U to be a annoyed with his siblings for thinking 'he has enough'? Or is he grabby for wanting his share?

It's the other two who don't have money (even though they both have always lived rent/mortgage free!) who think they deserve more and have been badgering MIL on the grounds that DH already has enough

They are the unreasonable ones. I would agree with most others in that MILs plan is fair. It sounds like the two who want even more are spoilt and entitled and will just waste/spend whatever money they are given and always want more.

They will never be satisified and always feel hard done by even when they have been helped the most - if they want to feel like they've been treated equally, they need to deal with this, not demand even more.

How I loathe this carry on. Squabbling over who's more entitled, ugh. Inevitably it causes rifts, and you know what? It's her money and she can do with it whatever she likes. You as an in law should definitely keep your beak out. If I as a daughter knew you had your oar in, my respect for you would plummet. If your dh has an issue, that's his business with his mother and siblings.

But it all sounds very trashy.

One of my siblings was talking about inheritance before our mother was dead and to this day I have no respect for her. As it turned out we were all left identical sums of money, an arrangement that cannot be quibbled with, but some chose to have theirs paid to others (rich ones to poorer ones).

So while you are striving and succeeding to paint your in laws in a less than flattering light, the impression that I get is that you are the greediest of all. It is not your mother and as you have expressly explained, you have no need for the money. Keep this up and a family feud will erupt, and your partner will lose his siblings as well as his mother.

In my line of work I see this a lot and it sounds like no matter what she does someone will feel hurt and there will be a falling out, money does horrible things to people.

I think the best thing to do is distribute it equally, so your DH gets his lump sum the divide the remainder but explain within the will why that has been done and then make the main beneficiary (ie your DH) the executor so the others can’t play funny buggars.

Good on your Mil for trying to make things fair.

Yes it should be equal unless there is a disability involved, or real, not perceived, hardship.

Equally seems fairest. Taking into account large significant sums already given. Depends on family dynamic I suppose.

My mum has two siblings. They have vastly different levels of wealth - ranging from very well off to living on benefits - with my mum in the middle. My grandparents left their money split evenly between the three of them. On balance, I think it is probably the fairest way. But the sheer extent of the discrepancy between the three of them does make me hesitate. I find it slightly uncomfortable to think of the very wealthy sibling getting even more while his sibling struggles. It's tricky.

I think your MIL is right. It should be equal or it causes lots of ill feeling.

wow cheesytoast you get the prize for the most unpleasant post

How will there be enough money to give your dh and then split more between them all if she only has the one flat left?

My sister has more money than me. Her DH has a very well paid job. I would hope that my DM will state in her will that each of us will receive a 50% share . If, for some reason, she left me more than I would give the extra to my sister. I love my sister and would never fall out over money.

There may not be any money left, if she goes into care and uses up all her cash then your dh wouldn't have benefited at all, it seems unfair and it would have been fairer to give your dh the equivalent at the time but it's crass and demeaning discussing Wills and money and I am sure you and your dh don't want to stoop to that level. Just be grateful if you receive anything.

It should always ALWAYS be equal and take into account monetary gifts given in the latter years of life to siblings, so MIL is right. A disabled sibling is a special case though.

Siblings who have been gifted money for an apartment should feel bloody lucky and grateful! the fact that you brought your own money to the marriage Is neither here nor there.

Both DH and I have a sibling each who has made poor financial decisions. Mine spent a lot of earned equity on crap rather than investing into their next house. New house was new build in bad area so hasn’t gone up in value in 15 years. we bought a shitty house in nice area at same time and have done it up gradually over the years. It has doubled in value. If DPs have more to my DSIS because of this I would be pretty fucked odd.

DH’s younger brother came into money twice in his youth and spent it all (in his words “pissed it up the wall@). No doubt his mortgage is huge. But why should he get a bigger share of an inheritance because he now has less equity than us, purely becUse of many poor choices and youthful spendiness?

A deed of variation can be arranged after death of alll siblings agree to give disabled sibling a bit extra out of each of their share

The other thing to consider is outgoings of the siblings. Some may have big mortgages, others may have kids while others haven’t. This is THEIR choice. Some may have made sacrifices to make that choice, others may have made that choice with financial ease.

The fact remains that each sibling should getan equal share of the inheritance and THEN they decide on what to do with it. If they want to give up a small extra amount to the disabled sibling they can do that . But that would be their choice and they couldn’t argue that MIL hadn’t treated them equally.

If she’s got any sense she will treat all her kids equally anything other than equal seems to cause huge problems.

Your dh should consider asking for his apartment money now.

Do you think he would?

And it is odd that you said you struggled greatly in the early years but she chose not to help you then but helped the others?

I’d wonder if she really is planning on giving the money to your dh

I can only imagine that i would help out my children financially while i'm here according to need, which means that some may get more or less throughout the courses of our lives, and divide whatever i have left of my 'help' equally for them when i'm gone as i don't want to treat any of them differently, i love them all the same and they will receive the same each when i'm gone. I sincerely hope none of my children are totting up a running total of spends while i'm around and feeling put out if they haven't all received exactly the same.

I dislike that it comes so much down to money at the end of a life. I put in much more than that as a parent, evenly distributed broadly speaking to th ebest of my ability (love, time, attention etc) and then more differentiated efforts according to their individual needs. Aren't these things just as valuable? Trying to sum things up according to the proceeds from a Will is, well...shit.

As an aside, should my parents leave me more than my siblings (which would never happen) i would insist on sharing it between us, equally.

A deed of variation can be arranged after death of alll siblings agree to give disabled sibling a bit extra out of each of their share

This is why I suggest making the main beneficiary the executor, otherwise if one of the greedy ones is the executor they could decide not to do anything and piss about until the other beneficiary agrees to a deed of variation to give them what they want, if they’re not going to inherit much there’s no incentive to get on with distributing the estate.

Equal.

I am the executor of my Mums will. For background my Dad passed away when I was a toddler my Mum remarried and I have a brother who is 10 years younger than me. Mum divorced a few years ago and as my brother was still a minor I was made executor of her new will.

My Mum planned to split everything 50/50 with small bequests elsewhere. I stepped in and requested that the first 100k go to my brother and then any surplus be 50/50. I received a lump sum at 21 due to the incident which led to my Dad passing away which means I was able to buy my first house with a small mortgage and have since traded up to my forever home and still have a relatively small mortgage. My brother will never get that helping hand so I feel he deserves the bulk of any inheritance in the future.

I should add, Neither of us expect their to be anything - we think older people should enjoy their requirement and as long as theirs a couple of sentimental pieces to keep at the end for loved ones thats all that matters.

Pressed send too soon - essentially I think it should be on need. I also think inheritance isn’t something to be expected or fought over and it’s up to the individual making the will.

This is completely up to your mum. Yous husband should be confronting his siblings and telling them to leave her alone. They had had enough of her money, she can do whatever she likes with the rest.
She can sell up and blow the lot, or she can leave him a lump sum then split the rest. Whatever she does, it is her choice.
Is there any mechanism to add a note to a will to expressly say that she's had the discussion with the younger two about them wanting it all split and her refusal, and to also explain the reason (that they already got their lump sum) so when the time comes, they won't have a let to stand on if they challenge him getting a bit off the top?
It really sounds like they'd be the type to challenge a will, so if it's possible, she should make it known why he's getting it, that's she's already discussed it and told them no as she wants everyone to have the same and they've already had their extra share.

• his mum

You are NOT being grabby. Ignore anyone being ridiculous.

Your MIL is right to make it equal. Your husband’s hideous siblings should be ashamed of themselves.

@Avasarala yes, it’s s very good idea to make it clear within the will why an unequal split has been made so that if there is a challenge to the will the courts can see the reason for the disparity. A solicitor can advise on the best wording.

Hitreak you asked advice and I am giving you my honest opinion. Sorry but I cannot stoke the flames of your burning greed because I can see through your manipulative work here. I am no fool.

Both my parents died and all bar one sibling were very respectful and gracious. Two in laws made plays (tried to be subtle) for inheritance and they are now outcasts. Be careful what you wish for.

Why can people not focus on what they have and their fortunes rather than trying to milk every situation for what they can get out of it. Yuk.