Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Inheritance: equal or by need?

108 replies

HitPeakScandi · 29/04/2018 20:50

Just wondering what the MN jury say on this.

My mil is doing her will. All of dh's siblings - but not dh - have received money to allow them all to purchase apartments out right. One of his siblings is older, middle aged, single, no kids, always worked in a steady job but has a disability; the others are younger and have made choices which have meant they don't earn much (that's fine but it's not because they couldn't have more).

MIL has arranged her will so that everything will be divided equally AFTER taking into account the money she has given them for the apartments.

So now we've heard from MIL that the two siblings who are struggling have approached her and asked that she basically make the will equal now, ignoring the money they've been given. Their argument is that they need the money more than DH.

Now, the reason we have money is because I sadly lost both my parents relatively early and I inherited signficant amounts from them and I have a job with a decent income. So financially, yes, we are better off and in a comfortable position although it's really all money from me rather than DH (I don't care but he does).

And before my parents died, DH and I struggled for many years when starting out juggling rent then mortgage and raising a young family - something that dh's younger siblings have been spared, they've never had to pay a mortgage or rent!

DH feels a bit betrayed that his siblings want him to lose out.

So should a will be based on equality or need? Should it take into account money given while alive? Is DH U to be a annoyed with his siblings for thinking 'he has enough'? Or is he grabby for wanting his share?

OP posts:

SJN71 · 29/04/2018 23:02

Equally. Except for the disabled sibling who should of course be looked after. When my father died we all got equal amounts despite my older (half) sister not ever having lived in our family home (which made up most of the inheritance) and also being better off than us due to previous inheritance from her in-laws (I'm talking a couple of hundred grand). My mother (divorced from my dad) thought it was not right but I was happy for it to be equal because she was as much his daughter as us and I know it was what he would have wanted (he died intestate).

AJPTaylor · 29/04/2018 23:10

Your mil has decided what she wants to do. Your dhs siblings need to respect that.

Furano · 29/04/2018 23:20

Equal less significant cash gift already given sounds fair to me.

Pheasantplucker2 · 29/04/2018 23:32

I find this shocking of your Dh 's siblings. How distasteful. Equal split to all after Dh has been given the equivalent is fairest, but be aware she may well end up selling her flat to pay for carers in future years and there won't be anything left in any case.

I had a conversation with my parents recently about their wills as they want me to be executor. They are keen to leave us something, I told them I hope they enjoy their retirement to the full and leave nothing but happy memories for us. I just can't get over their expectations on inheritance, especially when, unless she's living in a mansion flat in Hampstead, there's likely to be much left to divvy up.

Tararhu · 30/04/2018 00:00

Your mil sounds like a wise lady. It’s best to get rid of all your money when your alive so it didn’t need to go on care or tax. It sounds like she had a very simple and fair strategy fir her will and I really hope she isn’t influenced by her greedy kids. It’s really unfair to split by needs.

My brother earns significantly more than I do but I would NEVER expect him to be cut out of my parents will because I need the cash more. I could have become an investment banker myself but I chose to do something else.

The only exception I see is if certain siblings have done a lot more in terms of caring for the mil. Maybe if three of them were living abroad and one was stuck at home sorting everything out I can see why they should get more.

I think your show should talk to his mother. If the will isn’t equal it will cause a lot of resentment and upset that could fear the family apart. You could also contest the will on the basis that she was unfairly influenced by the siblings. Again this would be a disaster. Keeping the family together is far more important than money.

aurynne · 30/04/2018 08:33

Equal.

The "need" at the time the will is written may be very different to the "need" upon the death of the parent. I.e. a sibling who is well off may have had an illness or bankruptcy by the time the inheritance is dished out. A struggling sibling may come upon a wealthy partner. We never know how things will work out. Equal is always the safest bet.

BackInTime · 30/04/2018 08:59

If she needs long term care at any point it sounds like her property would have to fund this. There might be less left over for them to argue about if that’s the case.

Original poster

HitPeakScandi · 30/04/2018 09:56

Thanks for the input - some interesting points (apart from you, Cheesy, you can fuck right off).

OP posts:

Crocuspie · 30/04/2018 10:01

I have a disabled sibling who is the richest in the family. Lots of assumptions being made about disability.

Original poster

HitPeakScandi · 30/04/2018 10:38

Agree croc.
Dh's sibling with disability is totally fine financially and would be horrified if he felt he was getting more because of the disability (which he's not). He doesn't even claim the benefits he's entitled to from the Govt. He's perfectly happy to be getting the same as everyone else.

OP posts:

agentdaisy · 30/04/2018 16:34

I'd say you mil has got it right that your dh should get an amount equal to that which his siblings have already have with the rest to be split equally.

If his siblings had been given 3k for something years ago and the inheritance was, say, 400k then I might say it would be better to split it equally in the will to avoid extra tension at a difficult time. However as the siblings were bought a property outright then dh should get the same amount with the rest split. The siblings that are kicking up a fuss would be the first to complain that it's unfair if dh had been the one bought a property and the will was divided evenly.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 30/04/2018 16:42

Bloody hell, Cheesy I think you may need to talk to someone about that chip you have on your shoulder. OP has done bugger all to deserve your spleen venting! You may be, as 'they' say in these part, projecting!

BettyBaggins · 30/04/2018 16:50

Sounds very wise of your Mil. A fair woman.

Trialsmum · 30/04/2018 16:55

Well really it should be equal but if I was your mil I’d split it between the older 2 non-moaning siblings (after your dh has his share) and tell the 2 younger grabby ones where to go. Who approaches their parents and asks for their will to be changed?!

Morphene · 30/04/2018 17:02

I don't think it matters what MIL decides...the key message is that you do not challenge someone to change their will. Very bad behaviour. I think your DH would say the same if siblings were arguing in the opposite direction...after all if you want to rearrange the cash after the MIL dies then you can.

NoodlesLivesHere · 30/04/2018 17:15

HitPeakScandi I think your MIL had it right the first time. Equal split after taking into account monies already shared.

No one can predict the future. Hopefully you and DH will have a long and happy marriage where your status quo isn't badly challenged, however no one can guarantee their future. It could well be that by the time it comes to inherit your DH could badly need the money from the estate whereas his siblings would be OK because of properties they own thanks to their mother.

Ultimately your SIL/BIL should be ashamed that they even raised this with their mother. Hope it hasn't upset her.

willynillypie · 30/04/2018 17:17

I really, REALLY don't understand how some people view inheritance money. My mother has given sizeable amounts of money to my brothers but not to me, because I am financially comfortable and they are not. I do not and would never, ever bring this up to my family in a sense of me wanting or expecting the same. Why? I don't need it! It sounds like you don't either OP, so I am struggling to see the problem. Really I am. It's deeply unpleasant to view inheritance as some sort of "right" and squabble over what's yours - particularly as MIL is still alive.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 30/04/2018 17:21

Your MIL sounds a very decent woman in not only wanting to be fair but also making her wishes quite clear to everyone

The siblings who've already had so much and now expect more sound less so. Ironic that the disabled BIL who theoretically needs it most is the one who doesn't have a problem with MIL's plans, but unfortunately that just spotlights the others' behaviour

And yes, I'm another who believes in equal splits. It seems fair enough to make exceptions for things like disability but not for life choices

SandyY2K · 30/04/2018 17:22

Your MIL is a sensible and fair woman.

R2G · 30/04/2018 17:26

Mil got it right first time, but your DH should answer 'you do what's best for you to rest easy, and I know you love us all equally that's the main thing'. Try to let it go, will tear you all apart x (sorry also for your losses)

Mightymucks · 30/04/2018 17:33

Agree with Sandy, I’m kind of in the position of the cheeky fucker siblings as my parents are giving me an advance on an inheritance buy a house. It’s being deducted off my half. My DB was asked if he thought this was okay beforehand and has very graciously agreed and I would never do what your DS siblings are doing.

blackteasplease · 30/04/2018 17:34

I think I would do equal if I had enough for this to still be of some help to each one. Which seems like the case here. They had substantial help already

If there was only a little bit to go around I might think differently.

BewareOfDragons · 30/04/2018 18:06

Two of your DH's siblings are selfish and entitled; the sibling with disabilities sounds sensible and fair.

Your MIL is doing the right thing. Siblings are completely out of order. The relationship with them is probably screwed no matter what you do, so stand for fairness for all. I feel bad for MIL, though. She has impoverished herself cash-wise to hep them, and they still want more, no matter how unfair it is. Shocking. What an eye opener that must be for her, what they're really like.

Jaxhog · 30/04/2018 18:11

The person leaving it should decide what they want to do with their money.
This!

I find the idea that family is lobbying for a better share very distasteful. It's like vultures arguing over your corpse before you're dead.

GuildfordMum101 · 30/04/2018 18:23

What my Mum has done is deduct what she has already given to my older brother from his share in the will. A large amount was given in a time of need on the understanding that he was getting his inheritance early when he needed it. I know for sure he has forgotten, and as an executor of the will I am dreading the day when he finds out, or remembers, that he will get less than the rest of us. It's a fair system, but I am sure he will not see it that way, as he recently asked her for more money but she declined to give it to him for various reasons I won't go into here.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread