When people say 'let me know if there is anything I can do to help'

[OutofSyncGirl]

They don't actually mean it. And even if they did they often say it in regard to a situation in which they know there's nothing they can do even if they wanted to.

When people say things for the sake of it it annoys me.

I know exactly what you mean.

The helpful one are those who tend to text you with 'I'm in Asda, do you need anything?" / What time's your train in, I've got you a dinner ready / Do the kids need picking up ? etc etc

The infernal how are you, hun? / are you coping, hun? / are the kids helping, hun? are you eating, hun? don't fucking hun me!!! and it becomes an interrogation and no bloody help forthcoming either!

You have to be careful when you say it too, as some people will take you up on it.

My friend's husband has an ex work colleague who he speaks to several times a year on the phone, and meets up with once or twice a year with several other colleagues for coffee (divorced woman - 15-16 years older than him and my friend.) She was moving house last summer. She lived 45-50 miles away, and was moving 15 miles further away.

He said to her (on the phone,) 'I can get some boxes for you when you're ready to pack, and come and help you pack, and help you hoik some of the stuff to your new place...'

A throwaway sentence which he forgot about as soon as he put the phone down. But a week later, she rang and spoke to my friend, and said she needed him to come round with the boxes and help her pack, and move some stuff to her new place (60-65 miles away,) which I guess was fair enough as he had promised it.

My friend took the message and said 'Jan wants you to get the boxes and go help her pack and move her up to her new place (65 miles away from his and my friends home!)

He was shocked and stood there for a minute, then said to my friend 'well are you gonna help me?' She said 'er no. Why the hell would I?' He looked perplexed and said 'well, where will I get the boxes from?' and 'it will be less work with you as well.'

My friend scoffed and laughed, and said 'you must be kidding. YOU are the one who promised to do it. It's nothing to do with me!'

He was always trying to be Mr Big and make out he was all that, and often said shit like this, and was shocked when this woman took him up on it.

He BEGGED my friend to ring 'Jan' and say he had broke his wrist and couldn't drive, or help her. She said 'what? since I spoke to her 10 minutes ago?!'

She refused, and he ended up making some feeble excuse himself.

What a twat.

I also dislike it when people say 'let me know if there is anything I can do' because you know they don't want to do anything really (in many cases...)

where I live people say it and mean it.

My friend's husband had an aneurysm - luckily was at work and they called 911 immediately - he did fine in the end. She texted me and I said what do you need - and we went to the hospital late at night to meet her. Her friends organised meals, lifts to and from school for her son, lifts to the hospital for her son. She came home one day and realised that her lawn was mowed. No idea which neighbour did it but he did it without acknowledgement for the next 6 weeks. Another friend who lived miles away but had money paid for a cleaner for them.

Recently I said this to a friend - not a close friend who is going through an horrific time - cancer, spouse died and recurrance of cancer. I was very specific in what I could offer - I said subject to getting kids from school (with some flexibility) I could meet up, hang out, go to medical appointments. I ended up going to an oncology appointment with her where she got bad news. She picked me because she knew I would make good notes and not get emotional. She is now staying with us the night before each chemo appointment.

I don't offer help unless I mean it. If I can't do everything I will say what I can do - "I can't do lifts because of the kids getting to school but I can make dinners, will that help"

Laughing at lavendergreen's story - classic of what the OP was describing.

If I say it, I mean it. I would normally add a few suggestions in to - like going to the shops, running errands etc.

Some people also say this to me and mean it and do follow through ( when I was ill after giving birth neighbor got a few things for us on her shopping trip, etc)

Some people who say it don’t mean it ( ds was in a desperate state with school attendance and up all night screaming and shouting for a week non stop - asked Dsis in desperation to take him one night she flat out said no and offered no other help like take him for a hour anytime in the next few weeks. I have never been so desperate for help).

I don’t tend to ask for help or take up offers for help either so it’s swings and roundabouts. My offers aren’t often excepted either.

I only say it if I mean it.

LavendarGreen - yes that's a classic case in point. What he did was really wrong - even lying about having boxes! Ridiculous.

I tend to say “what do you need from me?” rather than “let me know if I can help” because it’s less ambiguous. If there’s nothing they need, they can say so. But if there is, it’s less pressure because the second implies asking for help, the first is responding to a question.

YES
And then you ask for help and they can’t

Agree . People should rethink this puppy 🐶

I agree Op!
I still struggle with the friend who said she'd bring some food after I got home from hospital after having DS. I texted to ask if she was still ok for this. Never heard back. She apologised 6 months later and said she was too busy.
I really needed help that first week and was so hurt she didn't at least let me know.
I don't believe people anymore when they say that.

Some people say it and mean it but I agree that most do not. It’s the same when people ask how you are and don’t really care for the response, just a conditioned societal expectation I suppose.

It can be frustrating that there are people around who say things they don’t mean as it ruins it for everyone else. Sometimes when you offer specific help people seem to find it hard to accept as if it’s impolite to accept . You end up having to spend ages explaining why it wouldn’t put you out and why it’s not a problem... I wouldn’t offer unless I wanted to help.

Yes as people say, when someone really wants to help they give a specific example.

Not always out, it is really hard to know what help people want or need sometimes.

I think it is. And, if people are being honest it looks as if some really do mean it. But for those who were let down by a friend I imagine it was a harsh way to discover they weren't as good friends as they hoped.